by Unknown
Last year I was so together and organized and I knew where I was going and had a plan to get there. I was doing well in school and on track with my life. Now, I was just sailing along pretending to know what I was doing and stringing everyone along with me. I hadn’t been a very good roommate, I sucked as a girlfriend because I wasn’t even sure who I wanted my boyfriend to be.
Andrew wanted me, but right now, I didn’t want to be with him. I couldn’t commit to anything we did together. For four months, I didn’t want anything to do with Josh, but now that I’m here, after he’d kissed me, I knew I wanted something more with him. But that’s not what I was here to focus on.
Ugh.
“Jenna?” it was Josh. He took up all the space in the doorway to the kitchen. He was backlit so I couldn’t see the expression on his face.
“Um,” I’d just told Andrew that I was staying in Riverview, but I hadn’t even asked Josh if I could stay with him.
“You can stay here, Jenna.” He said before I could form the words to ask.
“Thanks,” I said.
“Mom’s asleep.”
“Oh.”
“Let’s go downstairs, we can talk.”
“Okay,” I smiled.
I followed Josh back into the living room and through the hallway to the stairway that lead down to his room. I remembered that as a kid his room was upstairs next to his parent’s bedroom on the main floor. We’d have hushed conversations about things I can’t remember anymore. I guessed that after his dad left, Josh moved to the basement and took over the whole floor. He had a room with his bed, a small TV, and a stereo, but there was a large room that had a big screen TV several gaming systems and a huge wrap around leather couch.
I didn’t know why I expected Josh’s room to be different. It had only been four months since I’d been here. But I embraced its familiarity and flopped down on his bed and flipped through the car magazine he had open. I felt at home here. I felt comfortable. Two things I hadn’t felt anywhere in the last four months, possibly my whole life.
“Buying a new car?” I asked.
“No,” he chuckled. “Just dreaming.”
“I hear ya. I probably need to replace the civic soon. It’s been running funny.”
“Really? Maybe I can take a look at it. I’ve been working on the tractors at work lately, so I’ve picked up a few skills.”
“Okay. I’ll let you do that.” I smiled at him.
He sat down next to me on the bed and ran his hand up and down my back in a familiar way. This small talk back and forth we were doing was only stalling what we really needed to talk about.
“I’m sorry about your mom,” he said, still rubbing my back.
“I’m not,” I said bluntly.
“I know.” Josh got it. He knew my relationship with my mom and didn’t try to force emotions out of me that weren’t there.
“I’m sorry about your mom,” I said and rolled onto my side, his hand sliding so it rested on my hip. “How much longer does she have?” I asked my question again.
“A couple of weeks,” he bowed his head, his voice cracked.
“Oh my gosh, Josh!” I sat up and hugged him.
He wrapped his thick arms around me and pulled me into him. I was in an awkward position, so I swung my leg around him and straddled him as he sat on the edge of the bed. He buried his face in my neck and squeezed my harder. I could barely breathe, but I know he needed me.
Before too long, his tears trickled down my neck, across my collarbone, and eventually disappeared down my shirt. His body rocked as he tried and failed to hide his sobs. I held him tighter in a vain attempt to stop them, but eventually I just let go, so he could too.
Me feet were going numb from the way I was sitting on him, but I was afraid to move. I was afraid to do anything to distract him from his grief. He literally has no one now. Just like me, I realized.
Josh and I were the same now. We both had fathers who didn’t want us in some capacity. I assume my father would love for me to live with him, or be able to have a better relationship, but he can’t get past Linda. I lost my mother and now Josh is about to lose his. Technically I lost mine a long time ago, but to actually have her gone was a different story.
No, I will not shed a tear for my mother. No tears. I can’t. I got over not having her as a mother long before she even went to jail. She abandoned me when she chose men over me, she abandoned me when she went to jail, and she abandoned me when she died. All of those were the result of her poor decision making.
Josh on the other hand, was losing his mother for no good reason. No one had decided for her that she was to die now. Cancer had made that decision for her. She didn’t make bad decisions in her life. She made the best ones she could and she deserved a long and happy life. And Josh deserved a mom and a grandmother for his future children. Or our future children.
“Josh?” I whispered into his ear.
He sighed heavily and rubbed my back before leaning just far enough back so that I could see his face. He rested his forehead against mine and pushed my hips against his.
“My feet are asleep,” I whined.
He laughed a breathy laugh that made my chest explode with a desire for him I didn’t know I still had. Before I knew what was happening, he’d braced me against him, stood up, and then placed me gently on my back on the bed, following me down. His blue eyes were bright and rimmed with red.
“Josh,” I whispered again. “I thought we were going to talk.”
“I don’t want to talk.”
His mouth was on mine, hard and soft all at once, like at the river earlier. Of course I kissed him back. Other places were exploding now, and I couldn’t touch him enough. My hands were all over him, and I felt like I needed to kiss him more, or longer, or better. Whatever we were doing just wasn’t enough.
His hand slipped under my shirt. Just the feel of his rough, callused hands against my smooth skin made me moan into his mouth.
He took this as a cue to move forward. He slipped his other hand under my shirt and pulled it off.
“I don’t know if we should do this right now.” This was my ridiculous attempt and being sympathetic and moral.
“I do,” he breathed.
The last twenty-four hours and brought me to this point. This decision to sleep with Josh in this moment. We were both hurting and vulnerable. Not the best way to fuel this fire between us. But here we were. His mouth was inches from mine, waiting for my cue to let him continue. He needed me, he wanted me. And I felt the same way about him.
I pulled at the hem of his shirt and slipped it over his head. I kissed the corner of his mouth playfully, letting him know that it was okay to proceed.
He got up from the bed and walked over to his computer desk. I sat up, confused. I thought I’d sent the right signals, but maybe I should have said something out loud. He returned a second later with a small, red, square. Ah.
He unbuttoned and unzipped his pants and pulled them down. I watched as he ripped open the square, but I averted my eyes after he pulled down his pants, choosing instead to count the glow in the dark stars that he’d stuck to the ceiling above his bed.
He climbed on top of me and I let him remove my pants and underwear.
The last time we’d had sex was right before I’d left Riverview. The actual day I’d left. And the day I’d dumped him. I used him up and sent him on his way. In a way, he was using me now. I thought for a second that I should feel ashamed, but using me wasn’t the right term. We were distracting each other from the less than stellar hand that life and dealt us recently.
“Jenna, look at me.”
I did as he asked. I gazed into his blue eyes and lost myself in him.
CHAPTER EIGHTEEN
I couldn’t stop staring at him. And he apparently couldn’t stop staring at me either. He’d smile, I’d smile, and we’d giggle, then repeated the whole process over again.
I’d just slept with Josh. No holds barred, passionate sex. We
ll, as passionate as I’d ever experienced. I was numb all over, my lips buzzed with the afterthought of his kisses. Our sweaty bodies were tangled beneath the blue plaid sheets of his bed.
“So, how’s school,” he said to break the silence.
“Good. Hard. Time consuming.” I wasn’t able to form real sentences yet.
“Kind of like sex with me then?” he laughed.
“Josh!” I said and pushed him so he rolled onto his back and then rolled back over to face me. He grinned for the first time since I’d seen him at the river. I couldn’t help but smile too, even though I wanted to hit him. His comment was wildly inappropriate, but extremely funny at the same time.
“So good then. School?” It was funny that he felt the need to confirm that he meant that school and not sex with him was what was good.
“Yes. To both.” I winked. “How’s school for you.”
“Ah. I took a leave of absence,” he looked ashamed.
I paused before speaking, “I get that.” I couldn’t imagine what I would have done in his situation. If I had loved my mother like he loves his, I would have quit school too.
“Work was becoming more demanding, and then my mom just wasn’t getting better. She needed me. I talked with the dean and he let me take this year off.”
“No, that’s good. You don’t have to explain.”
“He said I can take summer school and catch up if I take extra classes in the fall. I could still graduate on time.”
“That’s very ambitious.”
“I know how important school is to you.”
“What do I have to do with your school decisions?”
“I don’t know. I just didn’t want to let you down.”
“Let me down?”
“I don’t know Jenna,” he sat up in bed. “This summer changed me. I realized a lot of things. I realized that I want to get out of this town, to make something of myself. I don’t want to work as a farmhand for the rest of my life. I don’t want to get caught up in all the drama of this town. I want you.” He looked right at me with that last part.
He wanted me.
“I need you Jenna. You make me whole. I’ve been lost without you these last few months. I don’t know what I’m doing or where I’m going.”
I hugged him close to me and buried my face in his chest. I didn’t have any words. He had just expressed exactly how I’d been feeling, but was too stubborn to admit.
“I think I need you too,” I said.
“Is this like last year when I told you I think I love you and then later I tell you that I really love you?”
“What?” I pulled away from him.
“You know, I said that to you last summer.”
“I don’t think I remember that. But, maybe? I know I need you right now.”
“That’s good enough for me.” He pulled me back in our embrace and we soon fell asleep.
I’m vaguely aware of him leaving the bed at some point in the night, but when I woke up the next morning, he was snoring softly next to me.
My bladder was about to explode, so I rolled out of bed and tiptoed out of the room. There was a downstairs half bath just down the hall from Josh’s bedroom. The door didn’t close all the way, but I didn’t care. I did my business quickly and rushed back down the hall. I didn’t want to risk waking Josh. Something told me that he hadn’t slept much in the last few months, so I made my way up the stairs and said a thank you to no one that the stairs were carpeted.
I went straight to the kitchen and helped myself to the fridge only to discover that it was all but empty. Only a half full gallon of milk that expired today and a bottle of orange juice. I searched the cabinets only to find cans of soup and shelf-stable microwaveable dinners. My heart sank at the thought of Josh zapping his meals and eating alone at the kitchen table.
I found a box of lucky charms and chanced the expired milk and sat at the table to eat. The silence was welcomed. My phone didn’t ring, there were no roommates to barge into my room, and no distractions. Just me and my own thoughts.
But all I seemed to be able to think about was Josh. Why was it so easy for me to be with him? I’d backed out on sex with Andrew twice. I just couldn’t bring myself to be intimate with him no matter how much I thought I wanted to.
I also had reservations about telling him about my past and he seemed to share the same thoughts. But maybe he was going to tell me over the holiday break. He’d told me that his mom was living upstairs with the Hamilton’s.
But everything came so easy with Josh. I just knew that I wanted to be with him. He already knew my past because he was part of it. He wasn’t the only one I’d ever slept with, but he was the only one I ever wanted to sleep with again. I balked at my own admission, then smiled to myself at the realization.
I wanted to be with Josh. I couldn’t deny it anymore. It had been a wasted effort to erase him from my world completely.
I felt guilty for essentially leading Andrew on. But in my heart, at the time, I wanted to be with Andrew. But things can change in an instant.
I stared at the sunny, yellow wall as all of this rolled around in my head. My cereal was soggy and the sun had risen above the horizon before I snapped out of my thoughts. I dumped the cereal in the sink and wandered back to the living room. I thought I’d see if Josh had woken up yet.
When I entered the living room, I noticed that Mrs. Riley was sitting up on the couch. It was still dark in the room because the curtains were drawn closed, but the sun peaked through a tiny opening in the center where the two panels met.
“Mrs. Riley?” I asked.
“Good morning dear,” she croaked out.
I rushed over to her. I didn’t think Josh had been up to see her yet.
“Can I get you something?” I was eager to help her, but I had no clue how.
“No, dear. I’m okay. I was just enjoying the early morning quiet. I’ve always been a morning person. I used to wake up early and just sit at the kitchen table and think. Half the time I probably just stared at the wall.” I chuckled at her admission.
“I was just in there, doing the same thing,” I laughed again and she pushed out her own and coughed some more. Why do dying people always cough?
“How have you been Jenna?” She asked when the coughing had subsided.
“Oh good. Good,” I didn’t know how to answer.
“How’s school?” she pressed on.
“Fine. I have more psychology classes this year. History as well.”
“That sounds lovely. How’s Michelle?”
“She’s fine. Fitting in nicely.”
“Well, it sounds like you have things in order.”
I wasn’t sure if she was complimenting me, or insulting me because I’d ignored her and Josh for so long.
“I guess you could say that.” I looked down and realized that I was wearing her son’s shirt and little else. I pulled the hem of the shirt down over my knees in an attempt to be more modest.
“I know what you did down there, Jenna, and I just want to say this. Please don’t play with his heart. It’s already broken and I’m about to break it even further.” She reached out her hand and ran her fingers over my cheek. She smiled warmly and let her hand drop to mine and she grasped it. It was cold and skin was stretched over her boney fingers.
“I won’t, Mrs. Riley,” I rubbed her hand between mine, then held it to my lips. “I promise.”
“Hey, you two,” Josh said. I hadn’t heard him come up the stairs.
“Hi, sweetheart,” Mrs. Riley said to her son. He leaned down and placed a simple kiss on her cheek.
“Hi,” I said when he turned his attention to me.
“What are you doing?” his tone was mildly accusatory, but I brushed it off as him being protective of his mother. And maybe he was wondering why I was half dressed in his clothing, talking to his mother.
“I, uh,” I stuttered. “I woke up to pee, then I was hungry so I made cereal but didn’t eat it. Then I saw that yo
ur mom was awake.” I gestured to her, “so I asked if she needed anything. I literally just sat down.”
“I see. So do you want some breakfast?” he asked.
“Yeah, that would be great, but you have, like, no food.”
Mrs. Riley laughed next to me.
I turned to find her grinning from ear to ear.
“What’s so funny?” I asked.
“Mom,” Josh whined.
“It’s nothing. We have no food because Josh can’t cook. He can microwave soup and that’s about it.” She giggled again. It was nice to see her laughing. I thought maybe she hadn’t for a while.
“Mom,” Josh whined again.
“We’ve been eating at the café for months now.”
“Every day?”
“Yes. You didn’t notice Josh’s waistline? All he eats are hamburgers.”
“Mom!” Josh huffed.
“Seriously?” I couldn’t help but laugh at this. “I will go down to the store and buy you some food. Something healthy with no dead cows,” I stopped at the word dead. Was it insensitive to say morbid words around someone who was dying?
“I think that sounds great,” Mrs. Riley said. She clasped her hands in her lap.
“You can’t cook,” Josh scoffed.
“I can cook better than you,” I retorted.
“I’d pay to see that,” Josh said.
“Fine. Better bring the cash.”
We left it at that. Josh left for the café with orders of pancakes, eggs, and bacon. I retreated back down to Josh’s room. I showered and changed back into the clothes I’d worn the day before. I hadn’t brought any clothes to change into since I hadn’t planned on staying the night. I’d made a mental note to stop at my old house to see if I’d left any clothes behind.
When Josh returned, we ate breakfast in the living room, then Josh helped Mrs. Riley with what I’d guess was her morning routine. I’d decided to make that trip to the grocery store, so I left the two of them and drove the short distance to the middle of town where Miller’s Market was located.
***