You and No Other

by Jane Weiss

  In short, life was good, and I wanted to use this occasion to share our joy with important people in our lives—those who had been instrumental in helping us stay the course and believe in ourselves.

  How to proceed? Should I plan and execute the event by myself? I was overwhelmed at the thought. I really wanted this to be something incredibly special for Jane. Who else might want to help? Should it be a surprise to Jane? How would I manage to get everything done under her watchful eye and intuition radar? She noticed if a coaster had been moved across a table. How did I think I could pull off preparing for a party for forty-plus people without her finding out? I spent weeks imagining how this could happen, and finally enlisted the help of my sisters Brenda and Penny, Jane’s daughter Lynn, our friends Rachel and Darci, and our neighbors Doug and Dianne. Here’s how the plan rolled out:

  With some trepidation, I called Lynn, explained my interest in having a surprise sixtieth birthday party for her mom, and asked if she would consider helping me plan it. Though Lynn and I had attained a certain level of “truce” in our relationship, and at times had communed deeply, I didn’t know how she would feel about working this closely with me. I also wasn’t positive she was ready to help orchestrate such an honor for her mother. But I was silly to have worried. Lynn eagerly signed on, and devised a beautiful ritual, whereby all invitees were asked to write two copies of their blessings for Jane. With the party invitation and description of the ritual, she mailed out small sheets of handmade paper for each person’s writings. One copy of blessings was put in a scrapbook for Jane to keep, and the other she was to burn and release to the universe in prayer at a later time and place of her choosing. Did Lynn know her mom, or what? She also painted an exquisite personalized birthday mural which was hung in the dining room on party night.

  Next, I asked Brenda and Penny to call one evening in late October, and say they would like to come to Minneapolis the weekend of Jane’s birthday and celebrate with us. The deal was that the four of us would plan a fun weekend, including dinner at a nice restaurant on Saturday, as tribute to the birthday girl. Then we’d come back to the house for coffee, dessert, and a peaceful evening prior to whatever we conjured up to do on Sunday. Jane loved my sisters as I did, and was thrilled that the four of us had carved out time for “her weekend.”

  Next-door neighbors Doug and Dianne agreed to store various supplies I kept stacking in their garage, and to receive the delivery of catered food on Saturday afternoon. They kept it refrigerated until they watched us leave for dinner, and then trundled over to the house with food, dinnerware, tablecloths, and decorations to help Rachel, Darci, and Lynn prepare the buffet table and decorate the kitchen, dining, and living rooms.

  Rachel and Darci made a trip to the house one November afternoon when we knew Jane was tied up in CPR classes, so I could show them where to find serving dishes, trays, and a variety of utensils they would need to complete the buffet table. Between Rachel, Darci, and Lynn, they also managed to meet flights of Jane’s other three kids who arrived from Los Angeles and San Francisco the day of the big event.

  Lynn received all the RSVPs and blessings that folks sent, and arranged their writings artistically in a scrapbook for presentation to Jane at the party. She coordinated her siblings’ travel itineraries, and was a conduit for their input to the party planning process. I relished Lynn’s and my close involvement in creating this special occasion for her mother—my beloved partner—and was grateful she was willing to work with me to make it happen. I felt like this was a breakthrough for us to hopefully continue building an authentic relationship going forward.

  The big weekend arrived. Brenda and Penny pulled into our driveway around 9:00 p.m. on Friday, as planned. We stayed up late talking that evening, caught up on sleep Saturday morning, and spent a leisurely afternoon in more conversation, until it was time for showers and dressing in order to meet our dinner reservations. I grew more tense as the day wore on, still not believing we’d be able to pull off the evening event without hitches, and certainly not without Jane discovering what was up.

  I had chosen one of Jane’s favorite Greek restaurants in the next suburb over, so we could get home without difficulty after dinner. The meal was an extravaganza with numerous courses and a special birthday dessert to dispel any suspicions Jane might have about this being an authentic birthday celebration. We nearly rolled out to the car, and I dreaded seeing all the food we knew was waiting at the house. When Jane left the table for the bathroom, I called home on my cell phone to tell the group that we’d be arriving shortly.

  Three of us chattered too animatedly during the twenty-minute drive home from the restaurant, with Jane seemingly oblivious. I pulled into the garage, and as we all climbed out of the car and headed into the house, we positioned Jane to be first through the mudroom doorway. As she rounded the bend and passed the den, headed for the hall closet, a chorus of voices yelled, “Surprise!” and began singing Happy Birthday in full harmony.

  Jane virtually froze in her tracks with mouth open as she tried to assimilate what was going on. (She claims to this day that she hadn’t a clue!) I excitedly surveyed the boisterous group, and noticed only three of Jane’s children in the room. I wondered what happened to Michael, since I knew he’d planned to come. But before I could get to Lynn to ask questions, the phone rang. Doug reached for it, then made his way through the living room and handed the phone to Jane. The room grew quiet, and we heard her exclaim, “Michael! Oh, where are you? Do you know what’s going on here?” Then I heard his voice answer as he ambled up the steps from our lower level. He was talking on a cell phone to Jane, who was now only about ten feet away, but she was turned the opposite direction from his approach. As he drew ever closer, party guests could barely keep their composure until Jane’s inevitable cry of recognition, and her collapse into Michael’s waiting hug!

  Next were mama-bear hugs for Lynn, and for Marie and Andrew, both of whom had flown in from San Francisco that day. And waiting their turns to convey birthday wishes and more hugs were David, Edward, and Erin, followed by all the other assembled guests. Moria sent her written blessings from Indiana, and called Jane later in the evening. She was the only one of our eight children unable to be there in person to recognize Jane’s significant milestone.

  As I surveyed those gathered in our home, everything began moving in slow motion, and I still hold several snapshots of the evening in my mind. There were lesbian friends, a gay couple, and heterosexual friends, intermingled with nieces, nephews, neighbors, and our children. Edward and Marianne were chuckling over something with friends Pam and Linda. Marie and Andrew exchanged business cards with Penny’s nephew Mitch and his partner, Mark. Lynn and husband, Kenton, were in animated conversation with David and Suzanne, joined by my nephew Curtis and his wife, Sophia. Erin was once again hearing about the importance of women’s sports from Leslie and her partner, Kim. And Rachel and Darci were standing back with our neighbors Doug and Dianne, smiling as they observed the whole scene.

  Jane

  Embraced, enfolded, loved, lifted up—all those feelings overcame me as I slowly walked into the midst of party celebrants, arm in arm with Bonnie. Photographs captured my ecstasy, which was quickly followed by deep gratitude that this had been done for me—that all of these loved ones would make the effort to celebrate me.

  Brenda, Penny, Bonnie, Lynn, and I did a five-way hug—they, recognizing they had actually pulled it off, and me, that the party was just beginning. It was all happening here, in our house, for me, and for us. I couldn’t stop the tears streaming down my cheeks. Who could have dreamed, after all the years of uncertainty, fear, pain, and guilt that an evening like this might occur?

  What an incredible memory was made that night! I have vivid mind pictures of seven of our eight children laughing and singing together in our bountiful home, now filled with so many other cherished friends and family. The event truly symbolized and crystallized how far we all had come, against all odds, in acceptanc
e and forgiveness. What more could my heart want?

  Epilouge

  2010

  Chanhassen, Minnesota

  President of the United States: Barack Obama

  Vice President of the United States: Joe Biden

  Nearly thirty years after the beginning of our relationship, we decided to share our story because, despite the increased visibility of same-gender relationships over this period, gay people are still considered “other,” to be tolerated but not embraced as equal members of society.

  Is the world in a totally different place than it was in1981 when we were struggling with the realization that we had fallen in love with someone of the same sex? Yes and no. Would the journey for us be significantly different if it were beginning to unfold today rather than in 1981? We think not, at least not in ways that would have made our experiences much less painful both for us and for our families. There are still miles to go before homosexuals, bisexuals, or transgendered individuals are afforded the same respect, freedom, safety, and opportunities that are givens for the rest of society.

  Bonnie

  In the years since Jane’s party, our families’ healing has continued. There have been many more joyous gatherings, and some painful times, too.

  In this third age of our lives, we are counting our blessings and many of them are embodied in our children and grandchildren’s lives. We’re grateful, too, for good health, for enough financial resources to live comfortably, and most of all for our amazing, once-in-a-lifetime love. What would my life be without this precious one to whom I agreed to come when she thought she would not experience the fullness of love in this lifetime? How did we ever have the courage to say yes to each other? How does one deserve this kind of love? And how does one ever give back to this world the depth of love we share?

  Jane

  Giving back from my core is my focus these days, for I’ve become acutely aware of my desire to find a way in my every day to explore and share spiritual journeys and learnings. Since my early days together with Bonnie I’ve continued reading spiritual growth books and taking experiential classes to deepen understandings about my connection to God and the ways Spirit moves to heal.

  Bonnie and I have always given each other the freedom to pursue our dreams and soul urgings, along with deep encouragement and support on the paths we’ve taken. I’m curious, excited, and grateful to Mother/Father God for where our lives have carried us and our beloved families and I’m awed at the Grand Design that creates opportunities to birth our imaginings.

  Acknowledgements

  Each Book has its own path to completion - some hard, some easy, yet all require the efforts of many, many people besides the ones who appear on the cover as authors. We would like to acknowledge the inspiration and support of the following people who joined with us on this path:

  Bonnie’s mother Helen, who encouraged her from the other side to “WRITE”

  Self as Source writer’s seminar leader Christina Baldwin and seminar participants in Tuscon, AZ in December, 2001, who nurtured early story seedlings and encouraged Jane’s voice to emerge as co-author.

  Meg Wheatley for her ongoing friendship, mentorship, and sage wisdom reminding Bonnie that everything is as it should be.

  Beloved Writer’s Group members Catherine Wilson and Anne Seltz, who over a three-year period, listened to every new chapter with their hearts, as well as the skill of their craft, to help us shape each rewrite.

  Bonnie’s Book Club “sisters,” Pat Raph, Jean Freeman, Nancy LeTourneau, Edie Meissner, Deb Wilkins-Costello, and Margaret Vaneeckhout, and our dearest long time friends Robin Berry and Denise Tabet, who painstakingly made their way through our first raw manuscript and provided priceless feedback.

  Paulette Alden and Lane Stiles whose content editing of the first manuscript gave us courage to go on, and Judy Taccogna and Marly Cornell for generously and graciously editing the seventh draft of our manuscript with detailed notes for our consideration.

  Minnesota Independent Publishers’ Association (MIPA) President Pat Morris, who gave us invaluable advice and championed our book to 2Bills Literary Agency whose principals were so encouraging when we were disillusioned with the onerous task of finding a publisher.

  Most certainly, Corinne and Seal Dwyer of North Star Press for believing ours was a story that needed to be told.

  Lastly, to our families, who provided a powerful learning crucible, shaping story, while reshaping and reframing all of our lives.

  About the Authors

  Bonnie Zahn (right in below photo) grew up in Fort Madison, Iowa, with her parents, two sisters, and a brother. She earned a bachelor’s degree in nursing from Marycrest College in Davenport, Iowa, then two master’s degrees from the University of Minnesota—in medical surgical nursing, and in healthcare administration. Her career spanned some forty-five years as she progressed from nurse to college nursing instructor, hospital education director to hospital administrator, and health system executive director of quality to corporate senior vice-president for strategic development. She has lived in Minnesota since 1966, where she spent most of her healthcare career. She has written technical/professional papers throughout her healthcare career, has had two articles published in trade journals, and she has co-authored three Quality Improvement manuals. This memoir is her first narrative nonfiction work. Recently retired from full-time work and doing consulting, she enjoys photography, quilting, African hand-drumming, travel, and grandchildren!

  Jane Weiss (in above photo at left) spent most of her early years in Reading, Pennsylvania, with her parents, brother, and sister. She graduated from West Suburban School of Nursing in Chicago, Illinois, and after her four children were in school, earned a bachelor’s degree in healthcare communications from the University of Minnesota. Her career progressed from public health nurse to Long Term Care Services manager and from Senior Services education director to vice-president of Operations for one of Minnesota’s largest senior services companies. She has written and published numerous trade journal articles. During a position as healthcare public affairs writer, she was granted the Award for Excellence for Corporate Internal Newsletters, and also received a United Way Feature Article Award. This memoir is her first narrative nonfiction work. Nearing retirement, she is in an education and apprentice program to become a healing touch practitioner, works part-time in quality management for a nurse call center, and adores spending time with any of our twelve grandchildren.