Two Old Fools - Olé!

by Victoria Twead

  The 6th of January marks the Feast of the Epiphany when the Three Kings, or Wise Men, arrived in Bethlehem. Spanish children will wake up to find their gifts, and this day is the last holiday before normality returns and school and work begin again.

  Another highlight of the day is the Roscón de Reyes, that delicious, highly decorated bread-like cake baked to look like a king’s crown. We were invited next door for a slice of cake and mug of hot chocolate.

  “Lovely cake,” said Joe as he munched his way through the slice of Roscón handed to him by Carmen-Bethina. He took another big bite.

  Nobody warned Joe. Nobody told Joe to be careful. Nobody told Joe that the cake hid little Christmas figurines. Whoever finds the Christ Child figure is crowned King or Queen for the meal, while the one who finds the dried bean must pay for next year’s Roscón de Reyes. Guess who broke a tooth as he bit on the Baby Jesus?

  Joe clapped a hand to his mouth and spat the Baby Jesus and a piece of tooth into his paper napkin.

  “What the..?” he spluttered. Luckily, Joe’s horrified grimace was misread by Carmen-Bethina and Paco, who took it to be rapture at finding the Baby Jesus.

  “Ahh!” beamed Carmen-Bethina, “you have found the Baby Jesus! I hoped you would be the one to get Him!”

  “English!” shouted Paco, giving Joe’s back a hearty congratulatory whack, causing him to eject another shard of tooth. “You are King for the meal!” He thrust the golden cardboard crown on Joe’s bald head and everybody applauded, Bianca barking with excitement.

  Paco whisked Joe’s hot chocolate mug away and replaced it with a brandy glass, sloshing a generous measure into it. An hour later, Joe had forgotten all about the tooth.

  “That’s the most expensive piece of cake I’ve ever had,” he moaned, much later. “I’d much rather have got the dried broad bean and had to pay for next year’s cake, than have to go to the dentist and get my blasted tooth fixed.”

  I sighed and wrote myself a reminder on our kitchen calendar to make an appointment.

  January 9, 2010

  Vicky,

  As you know, we are in the grip of very cold weather here in West Sussex, skiing gear is the order of the day.

  I have booked every thing we have a hire car and a european TomTom so we are up and running ready for our visit in March.

  Andrew

  X

  January10, 2010

  Hello Andy,

  Yes, we've been watching the UK news with interest! Unusual for England to get so much snow! It’s still raining here, never seen anything like it. They say it’s the wettest winter in living memory but hopefully it’ll have stopped by March...*fingers crossed*

  Very much looking forward to seeing you both. Was Anna surprised by the present?

  You are very organised - car, flights, everything. Our place is very easy to find, but bring your mobile phone just in case. I can easily draw you a map with main landmarks. We’re about 40 mins away from airport (based on Joe’s driving, normal driving probably 25 mins). Half the journey is easy motorway, then winding road into the mountains.

  Vicky xx

  January 12, 2010

  Vicky,

  We are really looking forward to seeing you as well. Anna was really surprised by your book and flight tickets on Christmas day.

  Polly has my TomTom so unable to check whether it will lead us to your house, will do this later.

  Take care, see you soon,

  Andrew X

  It would be nice to write that the weather improved with the start of the new year, but it didn’t. It was the second week of January and we were still housebound. I looked out of the kitchen window at the steady drizzle. Would it ever stop? I yearned to see clear blue skies again, but the heavens had other plans. There was plenty more rain destined to fall on Andalucía. Four times the average rainfall for an entire year fell in just two months.

  Our home felt permanently damp. Green and white patches of mould decorated our cave bedroom in furry clumps. The faster I scoured them away with bleach, the faster they grew back. Water still poured into our dining room, and in El Hoyo it was gushing in other unexpected places.

  19 The Rain in Spain and a Donkey

  Sweet Potato Mash

  Our part of Andalucía was already blessed with numerous underground springs that permanently poured from cracks and fissures in the mountains and valleys. Every village boasted of having at least one natural mountain spring and El Hoyo was no exception.

  At the top of the valley was a spring that trickled into a rectangular cement catching-tank about the size of a small swimming pool. The mountain water was clear and sweet and the locals took their empty water bottles there to refill for drinking water. We had never seen the tank even half full until this January. Not only was it filled to capacity, but it overflowed like a giant’s bathtub might if the tap were left running. Sheets of water poured over the rim and onto the road where it lay in great ponds.

  Brand new watercourses now burst from the mountainside, a result of the prolonged torrential rain. Pretty waterfalls splashed where none had previously existed, all heading toward our village set in the lowest part of the valley.

  At the entrance to El Hoyo was a little stone bridge spanning a deep dry gully. Previously, if one leaned over and looked down, one would see grass and weeds clinging to the sides, and trees growing at the bottom. During the past six years, we’d never seen a single drop of water flowing in that gully.

  But following the deluge, water flowed. A stream was born that quickly developed into a small river. The river swelled and gathered strength, the level rising daily. Trees fought with the current to remain standing, their roots clinging desperately to the fast-disappearing soil. Water swirled around them and the weaker trees tilted, lost their foothold, and were swept downstream.

  All around the valley, the slopes were being reshaped. Water worked into cracks in the ground and turned them into gaping fractures. Saturated, the soil broke away in massive wedges and slid downhill. Boulders, some the size of garden sheds, hung precariously, ready to let go their fragile hold and career down, gathering momentum and crushing all in their path. Landslides were becoming a common occurrence.

  Driving anywhere was hazardous. Once over the little bridge with its newborn river gushing beneath, the road became a slalom course. Mud and rocks slid from above, piling up and obstructing the road. The soggy ground beneath the tarmac grew saturated, and in many places the road had entirely fallen away.

  Around the countryside, many ancient and abandoned cottages flattened overnight, the dry, powdery mud and cement holding them together washed away. Walls that had withstood hundreds of years of blistering summers and freezing winters gave up their fight and were reduced to a pile of rubble. One day, the derelict house next to old Marcia’s shop surrendered and collapsed into a mound of debris.

  We were not alone. Everyone was suffering, most far more than we were. All over the region, homes were flooded as rivers burst their banks. In Jerez alone, 2,000 houses lost their battle with river water. In the village of Valderubbio, 600 of its 800 homes were flooded.

  Homes were devastated, agricultural land decimated, crops ruined, roads and bridges swept away and buildings collapsed on a scale that no Spaniard could remember. The TV newcasters told us that during three weeks of torrential rainfall, the Andalucían emergency services received 37,000 calls for help.

  But it was the personal, heartrending tragedies that shocked us to the core and even stopped Joe complaining about our own situation. We heard countless agonising stories.

  A pensioner perished in her own home as a flash flood swept her into the basement.

  When the Guadalhorce river burst its banks, 26 horses drowned, their corpses floating onto nearby roads and fields.

  We heard the tragic story of a British couple. They were visiting close friends who lived in a house in the country, near Granada. As they sat watching television, a landslide swept through the house, crushing the visitors
but leaving host and hostess unhurt. The funeral was attended by hundreds, both Spanish and expats, and as the coffins were carried outside, the congregation clapped, a Spanish gesture to pay their final respects.

  And then at last, after nearly ten weeks of continuous rain, the skies cleared and the sun came out - and stayed! We knew it would take a very long time for Andalucía to repair itself, but the future looked bright once more.

  The council did its best, clearing and rebuilding the roads as fast as they were able. Work began again on the new apartment block, The Monstrosity, as the builders returned, took up their tools and switched on their cement mixers.

  Old Marcia’s grown-up sons and grandsons arrived and donned space-suits. Marcia’s roof leaked even more seriously than ours had. Water had poured in, and yet she never complained. The sons sprayed the whole of Marcia’s roof with foam, insulating it and making it rain-proof.

  I cannot describe the joy in my heart as I resumed simple tasks again, like hanging the laundry outside. The mud in the chicken enclosure turned back to powdery soil. Joe repaired the leaky roof, our rooms dried out, and we applied fresh white paint. It was still midwinter and the days were short, but the sun warmed our skin and lifted our spirits.

  Granny Ufarte’s chair reappeared in the street, the old lady’s head nodding as she dozed, a pile of sewing or knitting heaped on her lap, Fifi at her feet. Sometimes the new baby’s stroller would be parked beside her and the twins would be chattering and playing not far away. Of course the good weather allowed Jorge to take up his street soccer practice again, but we didn’t mind.

  Joe and I felt fat and unfit following the Christmas festivities and the rain-enforced house arrest. Now that the skies were clear, we set ourselves the target of walking up the winding path to the village shrine every day. The path was so steep as to be almost vertical, and the walk made the backs of my legs cramp and my chest heave with the effort. But it was worth it. The view around the valley and back down to the village was glorious. The rain had made the vegetation lush and the white-blossomed almond trees were a stunning contrast. I am aware that many writers, far more talented than I, have successfully described the winter almond blossom, and I understand what inspires them. Those perfect pinky-white waxy flowers against an achingly blue sky is, for me, one of the most beautiful sights in the world.

  If the Ufarte twins were about, they sometimes joined us on our hikes, putting us to shame as they skipped ahead with the energy of youth while we heaved and gasped behind. More often, we set off alone, beginning with a brisk walk that faded to a laborious trudge as the slope steepened. We stopped frequently, not just to rest and catch our breaths, but to look and listen.

  There was a new sound in the village at this time of year. It was an urgent clicking noise, repeated many times and filling the hills. The source was the lady quail, advertising herself to attract a mate. As we passed through the village, we passed rows of domed cages pegged to house walls, each poor occupant clicking insistently. Paco and the villagers would leave at sunrise, find a likely spot to set their cages down, then hide and wait. The lady quail, with only romance on her mind, would click loudly, unaware that she was luring her suitors to an untimely death. The hapless male quails appeared, and BANG! their destiny was sealed. Instead of roaming the hills, they would be served up on plates. At weekends we frequently saw the village men triumphantly returning, rifles slung over their shoulders, cage in one hand, several lifeless quails swinging from the other.

  Then, as we laboured up the hill and left the village behind, the clicking continued, but this time, it echoed from the mountains. Luckier, unconfined birds were calling, and we hoped their ardent admirers would remain safe from the village guns.

  One cloudless February day, we puffed up the hill, glad of the excuse to stop and chat with Burro, Geronimo’s donkey, who was often tethered at the side of the path. Burro was looking sleek and fat, stuffed full of lush grass. But his appetite was only his second priority because Burro was in love: he had a girlfriend. Each daybreak he sang to his lady-love in the next village, adding more verses at regular intervals during the day. His eyes would mist over, he’d lift his handsome head skyward, stretch his neck, pull his lips back to display long yellow teeth, and bray long and loud to the mountains. Then he’d whicker, give his head a violent shake that made his ears rattle, and resume grazing. We never heard his lady-love reply but assumed she enjoyed his serenade.

  On this particular day, we noticed that Burro’s tether was wound tightly round the tree he was tied to. He must have walked round the tree numerous times, the rope shortening with each circuit.

  “Poor old boy,” said Joe, and seized Burro’s halter. “I’ll untangle you. All you have to do is walk back round this tree a few times. Come on...”

  Would Burro walk? He would not. Apart from a rattle of his ears, he ignored Joe and studiously carried on chomping the grass and wildflowers.

  “Now, come on, Burro,” Joe urged. “It’s for your own sake.” He tugged and coaxed and pulled on Burro’s harness. Burro stopped grazing but moved not an inch, his four hooves planted firmly in the soil.

  “Oh well, please yourself,” said Joe. “I was only trying to help you out.” He shrugged, let go of the halter, turned and walked away. Instantly, Burro lifted his head and walked behind him.

  “Don’t look round,” I said. “He’s following you now.”

  Geronimo’s donkey

  Joe walked round and round the tree until the rope was unwound. Success! Pleased with himself, Joe stopped, and that was his mistake. Burro nudged him, then gave him a friendly but meaningful nip on the backside.

  “OW!” yelped Joe, rubbing his rump. And that was the moment Joe acquired a second bruise on his delicate derriere. Readers of Chickens may remember how the Rainbow Man, or Indalo, inflicted damage to Joe’s tender posterior, and now Geronimo’s donkey had succeeded in doing the same.

  It was on the walk up the mountain that we encountered other creatures, potentially far more deadly than Geronimo’s donkey. In fact, these creatures are probably the most dangerous in Spain and have been known to take lives.

  Huffing and puffing, we reached the bench at the shrine. As always, as soon as we regained our breath, we admired the view. Being February, the mountainsides were dotted with almond trees in full blossom and although the breeze had a sharp edge to it, the sky was clear blue and the sun warm.

  Before the walk, I’d made up my mind to ask Joe outright what was worrying him, and I planned to wait until we were rested. We sat side by side on the bench, Joe with his arm around my shoulders. I looked at him sideways. Most of the time he seemed happy enough, but sometimes his eyes would glaze over and he would disappear into his own head. What was eating away at him? What was the matter? Why wouldn’t he tell me?

  Having gained sufficient breath to form words again, I opened my mouth to question him. My planned words were never uttered because I happened to look down at the ground a few feet in front of us and the moment was lost.

  “What’s that?” I asked, pointing.

  Joe stood up and walked over, crouching down to examine the curious spectacle I’d spotted.

  “Oh my gracious aunt!” said Joe. “What on earth...”

  20 Killer Caterpillars and a Dentist

  Lamb Cochifrito

  Lemon Swordfish with Roasted Tomatoes

  The shrine stood in the centre of a clearing at the top of the mountain. It was freshly painted and flowerbeds had been planted all around. Several benches stood beneath waving pine trees and glorious views stretched out over the mountains in all directions.

  But it wasn’t the view that attracted my attention that February day, it was the area directly in front of my shoes. Writhing along the ground was a long, brown, sinuous worm-like thing. Except it wasn’t a worm, or even a snake. It was a six-foot-long line of caterpillars, marching nose to tail.

  Caterpillars walking in a line

  We were enchanted. Each little cate
rpillar was brown with yellow stripes and soft downy hairs. Each caterpillar followed the one in front, never deviating from the line, never being left behind. We stayed awhile, fascinated, watching the determined little procession.

  “I wonder what type of caterpillar they are?” said Joe. “And I wonder where they’re heading?”

  The answer to these questions was to come as a bit of a shock...

  We took some photos, headed back down the hill, pausing briefly to chat with Geronimo’s donkey, then went home. I switched on the lap-top and described our caterpillar encounter on Twitter. And what a response I got!

  ‘@VictoriaTwead They’re KILLERS! Don’t go near them!’

  ‘@VictoriaTwead Hate them, hate them, hate them!’

  ‘@VictoriaTwead What is the point of those evil things?’

  ‘@VictoriaTwead Those caterpillars are DEADLY, avoid at all costs!’

  I was a little taken aback... Killers? Deadly? How could those cute little fluffy caterpillars be anything but charming? My Internet research took me to the Grazalema Guide which has an excellent article on these sinister little creatures.

  I read the article. The caterpillars we had encountered were Pine Processionary caterpillars, destined to morph into unremarkable moths. The female moth lays her tiny eggs in a pine tree. The eggs hatch and the caterpillars grow quickly, feeding voraciously on pine needles at night. To protect and house their community, they spin a white fluffy bundle in the tree and in February or March the entire colony abandons the tree in a long line searching for soft soil to bury themselves and pupate. This procession was what we’d observed on our walk.