by A. T Brennan
“And now?”
“It’s some of the funniest shit I’ve ever seen.”
We leaned back against the couch as the episode started. It felt nice to be sitting shoulder-to-shoulder, but after what we’d just done my body was craving a little more contact.
Almost as though he’d read my mind, Logan lifted his arm and rested it on the back of the couch behind me. I didn’t know if it was an invitation or just him stretching, but I wanted to cuddle so I was taking it as one.
I half expected him to pull away as I leaned into him. Instead his arm moved to circle my shoulders and he tucked me against his body. It felt good to be so close to him, and I sighed as he shifted so we were even closer.
I’d never cuddled with a dude before and worried that our similar builds would make it awkward or uncomfortable, but I’d been worried for nothing. It felt amazing, and I was glad we’d added it to our list of things we did together. I just hoped it wasn’t a one time thing.
LOGAN
As Adam and I cuddled on the couch I had a hard time focusing on the TV. A part of me had been afraid Adam wouldn’t want to suck me. It was irrational, but I’d been with a few ‘strict tops’ as they’d called themselves, who refused to put any part of my body into theirs. They didn’t mind getting their dick sucked or fucking a tight ass, but they wouldn’t suck or get fucked.
I knew it was all preference, but I’d always wondered if it was their way of keeping the ‘gay’ out of having sex with guys. Considering Adam had only been with girls and he was so new to being with men, I’d thought it would take a long time before he was comfortable with the idea of putting my dick in his mouth.
He’d not only been comfortable with it, he’d been fan-fucking-tastic. His technique had been a bit raw and sloppy, but his enthusiasm had made it that much more incredible. Plus, he’d swallowed me.
All that had been amazing, my body was still tingling slightly, but this was perfect.
I was a cuddle whore, and I usually had to settle for snuggling with Avery when Matt let go of her long enough for me to get some cuddle time with her. It was nice with her, but I missed the feel of a male body.
There was something so right about feeling broad shoulders and a tight chest, and Adam seemed to fit perfectly against me.
Considering I kept my sexcapades on the casual side I didn’t get a lot of chance to cuddle with anyone. When we were there to fuck I could usually get the requisite hold after sex, and then they’d get up and that would be that.
With Adam everything was different, and I was breaking all of my rules for him. I didn’t do complicated—and this was hella complicated, and I didn’t do relationships.
Adam and I might only be messing around, but living together was creating a sense of intimacy I’d never had before. I saw him all day, played video games and went to the gym with him. We had a lot of access to each other, and it wasn’t just my dick that wanted him.
I liked hanging out with him. I enjoyed our game nights and shooting the shit when we were bored. I had strong feelings of friendship for him, but there was something else there.
I didn’t know if I was falling for him or if it was just the forced domestication our living arrangement created, but I cared about him in a way I’d never felt before.
It was confusing as fuck and I wished I had someone to talk to about it, but I didn’t. I had no idea if Adam was planning on coming out, or if I was alone in feeling anything other than being roommates with benefits.
I’d never been in love before. I’d had some strong attractions and a few mild obsessions in the past, but never love. I’d never looked at a guy and imagined settling down and only being with him for the rest of my life. I wasn’t there with Adam yet, but I had no desire to even look at other guys, and the thought of him with someone else made my pulse race and my stomach turn.
It wasn’t just possessiveness, like he was mine to play with and no one else could have him until I was done with him. It was genuine affection and warmth that made me want to be the only one in his life.
I was probably reading way too far into things. Adam was discovering his attraction to men and he was exploring the physical side of it with me. He’d said it himself. He wanted to explore sex with me. I was basically his gay mentor at this point.
I stifled a sigh and pulled him a little closer. I didn’t want to think about that, or anything at all, right now. At the moment I wanted to enjoy Adam’s warm body against mine, feeling his shoulders rise and fall as he breathed and hear him laugh and chuckle along with the show.
Right now was cuddle time. I could drive myself crazy with questions and ‘what ifs’ later.
Chapter Eight
Logan
The next week was busy as all hell for both Adam and I. He was starting to ramp up his workouts and our schoolwork was starting to pile up.
I was helping him with his essays and assignments almost every night, but I didn’t mind. He wasn’t a dumb guy. He knew the material and he had a lot to say, he just had trouble putting his thoughts on paper in a coherent way.
It was tough, trying to help him learn how to write an essay as we were correcting the ones he’d already done, but he was determined to do as well as he could and never complained.
We were also messing around almost every night, usually after we finished our homework. We blew each other, gave each other hand jobs, and a few times we’d jerked off together. We still kissed and made out, but there was something missing.
It felt as though he was holding back a bit, and I knew I was. My feelings were still a giant mess and I was trying to protect myself. If I thought of it as getting off and not messing around with a friend then I was able to distance my emotions from the acts themselves. I had no idea if that’s what he was doing, but the chemistry and fireworks were still there so I was trying to convince myself it was enough.
Matt and Avery had invited me and the twins over on Saturday. It was a rare weekend when both Avery and Paige had Saturday night off and we were going to play Cards Against Humanity and have some drinks.
I was looking forward to getting out of the house, but there was a stupid part of me that was disappointed Adam and I wouldn’t get to hang out.
“What time are you leaving?” Adam asked as he came into the kitchen. I’d been heating up some leftover beans and rice from the night before, and was watching the bowl spin around in the microwave.
“A few hours.” I glanced over and watched him pull an iced tea out of the fridge.
“You should put some taco seasoning on that.” He nodded to the microwave. “Or hot sauce.”
“I would if I had any left. It’s bland, but at least it’s more edible than that lentil and rice thing I made the other day.”
“Yeah, that kind of stunk up the place.” He grinned and leaned against the counter. “What did you put in it?”
“The last of my salsa, rice and boiled lentils. In theory it sounded good but the reality was pretty gross.”
“You want some buffalo sauce? There’s some on my shelf.”
“That would probably be pretty good.”
“You could add some canned tomato and corn to it too, give it a bit more texture and taste.”
“Look at you, Gordon Ramsay.” I laughed as he blushed slightly. “You’re all over this cooking shit.”
“I’ve got to eat healthy while I’m training so I had to learn how to cook.” He shrugged. “Otherwise I’d eat boiled chicken breast with rice and broccoli for ten months of the year.”
“I learned how to cook too. Mom insisted on teaching all of us, but I suck at it. The gene skipped me, that’s for damn sure.”
Adam pushed off the counter and went to the fridge. He pulled out a bottle of buffalo sauce and handed it to me. “It’ll be better with some heat.”
“Thanks.”
Just then the microwave beeped and I pulled out my bowl. I added a slash of the sauce and handed it back to him.
“You have any plans ton
ight?” I asked as we heading into the living room.
“I was supposed to meet up with Kev and Brad, but they’re heading to a party at Sigma house.”
“Oh, you tagging along?”
“I was thinking about it.” He leaned back. “I’m all caught up in my homework and I’m actually ahead on my assignments. It might be nice to get out.”
“You’ve earned it. As long as you don’t fall back into old habits then what’s the harm of having one night off?” I tried to keep my voice casual but there was a part of me that was apprehensive.
Sigma parties were always crazy. What if Adam met someone while he was there? He was obviously a relationship man and we were only fucking around. I had no claim on him, but that didn’t mean I wanted some skank—male or female, getting their claws into him.
“What are you guys going to get up to?”
“Drink and Cards Against Humanity.”
“That’s always a good time. Your friends are a little more low key than mine.”
“We weren’t always.” I laughed and took a bite of my food. “Before they wifeyed up we were a partying bunch. Matt and the twins were always hooking up with random chicks, and we were at every party we could get to.”
“What about you?” he asked. His voice might have been casual but his eyes told me he really wanted to hear my answer.
“Definitely didn’t hook up with random chicks.”
“Obviously. I meant with guys.”
“Sometimes.” I shrugged. “A lot of the time, if I’m going to be honest. I had a bit of a manwhore phase.”
“Not anymore?”
“No. I’m tired of the dance.”
“Dance?” he asked.
“Going out, flirting and doing the ‘will we, won’t we’ dance. Then there’s the hooking up and then nothing.”
“You want more than just hooking up?”
“I don’t know. I never did before.” I put my bowl down.
“Never? You’ve never had a boyfriend?”
“Nope. Lots of sex but no boyfriends.”
“Wow. I’ve pretty much always had a girlfriend. This is the longest I’ve been single since I was fifteen.”
“Not me. I didn’t lose my virginity until I was seventeen, after there wasn’t anyone I wanted to be in a relationship with. Then I came here and there were so many more options. I guess I went a bit crazy sampling the buffet.”
“So what if you’ve had a lot of sex? It’s college. Unless you have a ticket counter outside your room with a VIP waiting lounge for the next people in line, then you’re not a manwhore.”
I chuckled at that mental picture. “That would be something else.”
He looked like he wanted to ask me something else, but kept his mouth closed.
I picked up my bowl and took another bite. “This is way better with the sauce.”
He grinned and I decided to ask him something I’d been curious about since he’d told me he was struggling with school.
“How bad did it get with your grades last year?”
He sighed and raked his hand through his hair. “I almost blew it.”
“How?”
“I have to maintain a 2.9 in order to stay on the team. I finished last year with a 2.8.”
“Shit, that means...”
“It means I’m technically not on the team right now.”
“Damn.”
“Yeah. Coach and the school said I could get back on if I finished this semester at a 3.2, but even then I’m not guaranteed to be starting pitcher. Coach doesn’t play games when it comes to our grades. He has strict rules and I fucked up. I could lose everything because I partied instead of studying.”
“Shit. If you need any help at all—”
“You’ve helped a lot already,” Adam interrupted. “I was a solid C student my entire life, now I’m pulling B’s and even the odd A.”
“I’m glad I could help. I know what making a stupid mistake feels like.”
“Your finances?”
“Yeah. I had to get my parents to bail me out. It was so humiliating, and I felt like a failure. I never want to have to go to them and beg to be bailed out again.”
“That had to be rough.”
“It was. Between the four of us, I’m the only one who fucked up. They all partied as much as I did but they were a lot smarter with their money. I hated being the only one who failed.”
“You’re fixing that now. I’m sure they see that.”
“They do.” I paused before asking my next question. “Have you told anyone you’re bi?”
Adam pulled in a deep breath and looked away. Guess that answered my question.
“How did you come out?” he asked as he looked back at me.
“I told my brothers first, then my parents. I didn’t really tell people at school, but it got around. It was a small school and I was the only out kid in our grade.”
“Were people cool?”
“For the most part. There’s always going to be assholes out there, but I had three built-in bodyguards so I didn’t get fucked with as much as I could have.”
“I don’t know if I’m ready to tell anyone, not yet.”
My heart fell a bit. If he wasn’t ready to be out then he definitely wasn’t ready for more between us. My role was set. I was the guy he liked and fooled around with behind closed doors.
“It takes time. It’s all so new to you.”
“Plus there’s baseball.”
“Yeah, that’s a whole world I never had to worry about. You think the guys on your team would care?”
“Some wouldn’t, but some would. I’ve heard the shit they say. If they find out I like guys and I’ve been in the showers with them I don’t think I could convince them I wasn’t creeping.”
“That was one of my biggest fears after coming out. I was terrified someone would think I was checking them out at the gym, or freak out that they’d gone to camp with me when we were kids or something.” I shoved a bite of food in my mouth and started chewing. I didn’t want to get into any more details about that. Not right now.
“That’s what I worry about.”
“What about your family?”
“I don’t think they’d really understand. My parents are cool, but they wouldn’t get that I like both.”
“And they’d think you were confused and actually straight because of your history?”
“Yeah.”
“That’s something else I don’t really know much about.”
The silence between us stretched out and I concentrated on eating.
Getting involved with Adam was only getting messier. Usually messy made me turn tail and run for the hills, but I didn’t want to do that now.
I liked Adam as a friend, and I was having feelings for him that went beyond friendship. The best and easiest way to fix things would be to break off the physical and just be friends...but I wasn’t ready to give him up.
I was setting myself up for heartbreak and pain, but I couldn’t quit him.
ADAM
There was so much more I wanted to say to Logan, but I couldn’t get the words out.
When we’d started messing around I’d told myself it would be hot and fun. I’d never planned on falling for him.
I had feelings for him. I knew that, and they went deeper than friendship or affection. I liked him as a partner, and that confused me.
I’d felt love before but it had always been with girls, and it had been different. I’d never had such a burning need to be with someone before, and I’d never had a girlfriend I couldn’t get enough of.
When I wasn’t with Logan I was thinking about him. Every night when he’d help me with my homework and assignments I could barely focus because I’d be thinking about what would happen after.
Whenever my mind wandered I would think about him, and about what we’d done together. I knew I was falling for him, but I didn’t know if he felt the same way.
When he’d asked about coming out and t
elling people, a slice of fear had shot through me and every bad scenario by mind could conjure up hit me all at once.
I was scared about what people would think, how my teammates would react. The sports world was full of machismo, and had a fair amount of toxic masculinity in it. I knew our team had a policy of inclusion, but that didn’t mean everyone would be cool with me being into guys.
Then there was my family. I was an only child and the prodigal son. How would my parents react when they heard that I might end up with a guy? I knew my mom was hoping for lots of grandkids, and everyone was rooting for me to make it to the minors, if not the majors. How would they handle it if being out fucked with my future?
If I was going to be honest with myself I wanted more with Logan. I didn’t want to just mess around and play house in our apartment, but the thought of walking around hand-in-hand with him both thrilled and scared me.
I wanted to go out on dates and do all the things couples did, but I was afraid of what could happen.
Logan was so comfortable with himself, and he was definitely out and proud. I couldn’t ask him to hide with me because I was being a bitch. Besides, there was no guarantee he even wanted more. He’d just said he didn’t do boyfriends, why would I be any different?
* * * * *
“Sure thing at twelve o’clock.” Kevin nudged my arm and I almost spilled my beer all over myself.
We’d been at the Sigma house party for about half an hour, and I wasn’t really having fun. It was loud, crowded, and Kevin kept talking about the chicks he had on the go. It was a normal night, but I just wasn’t feeling it.
“Smooth.” I rolled my eyes and glanced behind me. There was Katie dressed to kill with her gaze zeroed in on me. She was a beautiful girl. Her hair was long and blonde, and she had the body of a dancer. The tight green dress she was wearing showed every curve and her blue eyes were undressing me.
“Go for it. She’s into you. You’d be a fucking moron to turn that down.”
Normally seeing someone like her giving me their best fuck-me eyes would send my hormones into overdrive, and I’d be over there hitting on her so fast her head would spin, but I wasn’t feeling it tonight.