by A. T Brennan
Logan: sure. I’m done now
Avery: me too. Meet at co-op?
Logan: done
Avery: yay! See you then :)
Logan: *kisses*
Avery: *kisses*
I made my way over to The Co-Op and got in line to pick up our drinks. It was pretty busy, so as soon as Avery walked in I nodded toward an empty booth so she could grab it for us.
When I finally got to the front of the line I ordered two mochas and then headed over to where Avery was sitting.
“What’s going on with you?” she asked as soon as I sat down and handed her drink over.
“What do you mean?”
“You’ve been pretty MIA recently. I know you’re not going out, but you could still come over. Paige was saying how she’s barely seen you, and Jax mentioned you’d blown off a few offers to hang out.”
“I...”
“Are you seeing someone?”
Her words cut through me and my lie died on my lips. I hated lying to her, and I needed to talk to someone.
“Kind of.”
“Logan?”
“He’s not out.”
“Is it the same guy? The one who only realized he was bi recently?”
“Yeah.”
“There must be something special about him if you’re still seeing him.”
“There is. He’s amazing.”
“So what’s keeping him quiet?”
“I’m guessing he’s scared at how people will react. He’s got a lot to lose if he’s not accepted.”
“Cryptic...like family?”
“And other things.”
“Still with the cryptic.” She sighed and pulled the lid off her drink. “I understand you’re protecting him, and I think that’s really amazing of you, but is he worth it?”
“Yes.”
My answer was so fast I didn’t even have time to think before I was talking.
Avery grinned and sipped her coffee.
“Don’t give me that look.” I rolled my eyes and popped the lid off my drink.
“You really care about him.”
“I do.”
“You love him.”
“Yeah, I do.”
“But you’re not sure he feels the same?”
“No.”
“Have you told him?” she asked carefully.
“Yeah, I waxed poetic about him and confessed my love while we were Netflix and chilling the other day.”
She snickered and took another sip.
“No, I can’t tell him.”
“So what are you going to do?”
“No clue. But I can’t seem to walk away.”
“Well, how about you put him out of your mind and focus on hanging out and having fun. It’s been forever since we all got together.”
“I can’t really spring for too much fun.”
“I’ve got you. Matt got me a push-up bra and my tips have been phenomenal this week.”
I almost spit out the sip of my coffee I’d just taken.
“Matty bought you a push-up bra? My brother Matt? The same one who still gets jealous when I get my bestie cuddles from you and he knows I like dick?”
“The same one.” She laughed. “He said I might as well flaunt what I have, but he also gave me a whistle and a mini can of pepper spray.”
“That definitely sounds like him.”
“Can I ask you something personal?” she asked after a pause
“Of course. I’m an open book.”
“Have you had sex with your mystery guy yet?”
“Yes.”
“Did you feel anything with him?”
“I felt everything with him.” I sighed and toyed with my cup. “It was...perfect.”
“Logan.” She reached out and put one of her hands over mine. “This sounds complicated. You need to figure out where he’s at or you’ll get hurt.”
“I know.” I sighed and gripped her hand in mine. “I’m scared.”
“I get that. Admitting how you feel about someone is terrifying.”
“He’s the only guy I’ve ever let get into a position where he could hurt me since Ryan. Every other guy in my past was a body, but he’s...he’s so much more.”
“I don’t want to see you get hurt, but there’s something I think you should hear.”
“What?”
“There’s a girl at the bar, you know Heidi?”
“Yeah, the bartender?”
“She’s bi as well. She only came out last year when she met a girl she wanted to be with. I was talking with her and mentioned I knew of someone who was struggling to come out as bi and she made a few points I’d never thought of.”
“What did she say?”
“She said it took her a long time to come to terms with her sexuality, and a lot of people still don’t understand it. They think she’s in a phase, faking it or just a lesbian who can’t admit the truth. It was really hard for her, and even now that she’s with her girlfriend she still has to defend her past relationships and her sexuality.”
“So you think that’s something my man might be struggling with.”
As stupid as it was, calling Adam ‘my man’ felt really good.
“I think so. It’s a bit different from what you went through because you’ve only liked men. He’s liked women, and now he likes you. It adds a whole new layer of confusion to it, and he might be worried that coming out as bi would mean people would think of him as gay when that’s not what he is.”
“Shit, I never thought of that.”
“I could be way off, but it made a lot of sense when Heidi said it.”
“Yeah. I guess I have to take that into account too.”
“Okay, enough relationship talk.” She grinned and gulped down some of her coffee. “Time for gossip, and then dinner and drinks.”
“You really are my favorite person ever.”
“I know.” She grinned. “And you’re mine.”
ADAM
“What?” I answered my phone after looking at the call ID. It wasn’t the most polite thing to say but Kevin wasn’t exactly who I wanted to be hearing from.
“We’re hitting a new bar tonight, you in?” He didn’t even bother to acknowledge my curt greeting.
Kevin was one of the few people I knew who used their phone for more than just texting and looking at the internet. He had a habit of calling if he had more than a few things to say and he refused to get into text conversations, unless it was dirty talk with some random he’d met.
“Who’s we?”
“First stringers and a few lady fans.”
I sighed and looked at the clock on the stove. I’d been in the process of trying to figure out if I wanted to crack into my waiting beer now or wait a bit when my phone had rung. I’d thought it might be Logan, but it had been Kevin.
“Come on, man. It’s been forever since you came and chilled with us. You said you’re on track with your work. What’s one night out going to do?”
“I guess, yeah.” I was starting to warm up to the idea of going out.
Between wanting to spend all my time with Logan and actually spending all of my free time with him, I needed to get out.
It wasn’t that I wanted to be away from him, it was the opposite. He’d texted me when I’d been at the gym to tell me he was going out with his friends and I missed him. We’d been separated for a day and as far as I knew he was coming back to the apartment later, and I fucking missed him.
I wasn’t jealous he was going out, or worried about him meeting someone. I was sad that I’d miss spending the evening with him.
I was so far gone with love it was pathetic. Here I was panting after him like a puppy, pouting when he decides to go out with his friend and then mope because I missed him. That wasn’t me. That had never been me. I didn’t know what hold Logan had on me, but I needed to get some perspective before he broke my heart.
I loved Logan. I knew that, and I could admit that. I was head-over-heels in love with him
, but I was getting too attached.
I needed to put some distance between us or he’d destroy me when whatever we had was over, it only made sense to start now.
“So you’re in?”
“I’m in. Where and when are we meeting up?”
“Celtic Corners, at eight.”
“Cool.”
It was almost seven so I had enough time to grab a shower, have a quick bite and then head over. I’d look up the address on my phone later.
* * * * *
When I walked into the bar it was hard to miss my teammates. A dozen of them and a handful of girls were sitting in the back area of the bar drinking from pitchers and being loud and boisterous.
It was strange. A few months ago that had been me. I would have been at the center of the crowd laughing and drinking, and being loud and obnoxious. Now I looked at them and actually had to work up the desire to put my happy drinking face on and go over to them.
As I headed to the back of the bar I almost bumped into someone, and when I looked up I was so shocked I almost tripped.
“Adam?”
“Logan?” I looked at him and then at the table full of my teammates. None of them had noticed me yet.
I saw Logan look to his left and that’s when I noticed his brothers and their girlfriends sitting at a table laughing and talking quietly.
“I didn’t know you were going to be here.” I swallowed and tried not to notice how gorgeous he was, or how much I wanted to lean in and kiss him.
“Avery and Paige work here. We meet here all the time.”
“Kev invited me...I’ve never been here before,” I added lamely.
“Oh, well, I guess you should go and see your friends. I was just going to the bathroom.”
“Yeah. Guess I should.”
He gave me a pained look and sidestepped me so he could pass. It took everything in my power not to turn and watch him walk away, and that was the moment Kevin looked up and saw me.
“Dude!” he shouted and the other guys started cheering and waving their drinks around.
I went up to the group and slid into an empty chair. “What’s up?”
“You need a drink, man.” Kevin pushed a glass of beer toward me and I caught it before it could spill all over me.
“Thanks.”
I was just lifting the glass to my lips when I saw Katie at the other end of the table. She gave me a flirty wave and a wink and I hoped my smile didn’t seem too forced as I nodded back.
Shit just got really complicated.
LOGAN
Adam was the last person I expected to see at the pub, and that had been the most awkward greeting of my life. As soon as I’d seen him I’d had the overwhelming urge to kiss him, but we were in public and I assumed he was meeting up with the group of loud ballplayers at the back of the bar.
I’d been fooling myself when I’d thought I could keep things platonic out in public but fuck him in private. Pretending that his presence didn’t make both my heart and my cock swell was impossible, and it hurt.
I understood he wasn’t out yet, and I even got how it was more complicated for him than it had been for me, but it was hard to be someone’s dirty little secret.
The worst part was I couldn’t even talk to anyone about what I was feeling without outing him, and I wasn’t going to do that no matter how hurt I was. Instead I went to the bathroom, did my business, washed my hands and headed back to our table.
“You okay?” Matt asked after I’d sat down.
“Fine.” I nodded and picked up my glass.
He gave me a look that said he clearly didn’t believe me, but I just smiled and tried to act natural.
Everyone was laughing at some story Jax was in the process of telling and I tried to focus on him and not Adam, who was still in my line of sight, as he sat and drank with his friends.
“I’m going to get a refill, want one?” Matt asked, nodding to my nearly empty glass.
“Sure.” I drained what was left and pushed it toward him
“Do I look like your barmaid?” he asked with a chuckle. “Get your ass up and come to the bar with me.”
I rolled my eyes as Avery giggled and followed Matt up to the bar.
“So, what’s going on with you?” he asked, leaning against the bar as he looked at me.
“Nothing.”
“Bullshit. I know you, Logan. Something is bothering you.”
“Avery didn’t tell you?”
“You’re my brother. If you need to talk to me you know I’m here. You’re allowed to have secrets, Logan. Avery would never betray your trust.”
“I know.” I sighed and leaned against the bar heavily.
“Guy trouble?”
“Yeah.”
“What’s going on?”
“I’m kind of seeing someone.”
“Wow. That’s new for you.”
“Yeah.” I nodded. “But it’s complicated?”
“He’s in the closet?”
“Big time. He’s also bi.”
“Wow, another difference.”
“I know. I’ve never really met any bi guys before. It’s a bit weird to think that he can get it up for anyone.”
“Pretty sure that’s not how it works.” Matt laughed. “I’m sure it’s certain chicks and certain guys. Not everyone with genitals.”
“True.” I couldn’t help smiling. “So, yeah. It’s complicated.”
“You have feelings for him?”
“I do.”
“You love him.” It wasn’t a question.
“That obvious?”
“Only because I know you. Does he love you?”
“I don’t know. He likes me.”
“What else is bothering you?”
“I’m the first guy he’s ever messed around with.”
“Ah, another layer of complication.”
“Yup.” I sighed again and raked my hand through my hair. “What if whatever he’s feeling is because I’m his first?”
Matt looked at me for a moment and then smiled. “I felt the same way with Avery.”
“What?”
“I was head over heels in love with her, but I was scared she only felt what she did because I was her first... everything.”
“How did you get over it?”
“I told her I loved her and she said it back.” He grinned.
“That simple, huh?” I rolled my eyes and he laughed.
“Ended up being that simple. Didn’t seem it at the time.”
“You know, until him I never wanted more. I didn’t want what you and Avery, or Jay and Paige have. I liked being free and single.”
“And now?”
“I want a boyfriend.”
“Is that desire stronger than your need to protect yourself?”
“I couldn’t tell you.”
“Logan, I know you were pretty messed up when Ryan—”
“I really don’t want to talk about that. Not right now,” I cut him off.
“Okay. Just know that I’m here for you, okay? That will never change.”
“Thanks, Matty.”
“Now, let’s get you a refill.”
“Please and thank you.”
It took a moment to get the bartender’s attention, but when we had our new drinks in hand we headed back to the table.
I couldn’t stop myself from glancing at Adam, and he seemed to be having a great time. He was laughing, giving the guy to his left a high-five, and his glass was empty.
Well, two could play this game. If he could have fun ignoring me then I could pretend to have fun without him.
ADAM
Pretending to be the life of the party was fucking exhausting.
Sitting at the table talking about the same shit we always did, being loud and drinking way too fast had been my bread and butter. It had been my element and the one place off the ball field I’d felt comfortable.
Now it felt hollow and empty.
Logan and his friends were behin
d me so it was really hard to sneak glances at him without being obvious, but the few times I managed to glance back he’d looked like he was having fun.
He was laughing and drinking, cracking jokes and being Logan. He also never looked at me, not even when I tried to catch his attention as I walked past him to pay for a new pitcher.
Great. I was miserable and he was having the time of his life.
About two hours after I’d sat down the crowd was getting anxious and restless. I’d been pacing myself, only sipping at my beer while my buddies inhaled theirs, and they were plastered while I only had a slight buzz.
At the moment everyone was trying to figure out where to go next. It sounded like more drinking and some dancing were in order, but I was done. I wasn’t in the mood to play along anymore, and I definitely didn’t want to go somewhere and have to babysit my teammates and their dates.
I saw movement out of the corner of my eye and glanced over in time to see Logan and his friends getting up and gathering their things. He didn’t even bother giving me a backward glance as I watched him leave he pub.
Yup, I was done.
I was just pushing my chair back when Katie appeared at my side and sank into my lap.
“You’re thinking way too hard about something.” She pressed her body against mine and I heard several of the guys cheering as everyone turned to watch us.
Shit. This wasn’t the way I’d hoped to talk to her and let her down easy. With everyone watching I knew rejecting her would be humiliating for her and she didn’t deserve that. I was the asshole who was using her as a beard.
“I’m about to head home.” I looked up at her but kept my arms by my sides.
“Mmmm. I like the sound of that,” she purred and leaned down to kiss me.
Her lips were soft and her breasts were pushing against my chest, but there was nothing. No spark, no twitch, no heat. My dick was sleeping and my nerve endings were intact. Kissing her was about as arousing as watching water flow out of the faucet.
“Katie—” I pulled away from her and shook my head.
Suddenly the hairs on the back of my neck stood at attention, and I knew someone was watching me from the other end of the bar. I turned, hoping to God it wasn’t who I thought.
Logan was standing at the table he’d just vacated with a devastated look on his face. My heart seemed to skip a beat as adrenaline flowed through my body and panic set in.