by Lucia Franco
Joy ignored my truth. "Well, you have a real mother now to give that to you."
I shook my head in disbelief. Joy was hurting. I knew she didn't come here to act bitter toward me, but I could feel it in her words. She was such an insecure woman. I'd never understand her.
"Why are you here if you're just going to continue your mean girl mentality? Why did you want to see me?"
Joy stood up. She straightened her dress and picked up her purse. With a dignified look, she said, "I wanted to congratulate you and tell you I am proud of you, regardless of our relationship and what's occurred. Anyway, I won't attend the Olympics, but I'm looking forward to watching you. What you did, so few can do." There was an awkward pause as tears filled her eyes. "It wasn't right of me to take the issues I had with Frank out on you. For that, I'll forever be sorry."
Standing, I meant to follow her to the door but she shocked me in place with her apology. Right before she opened it, Joy turned around and looked at me. Really looked at me.
"Is that why you came? To apologize?" I asked, my stomach tight with apprehension.
An apology was never something she gave easily. However, there was no resentment in her eyes and her shoulders weren't stiff. The mask was gone, and I saw a woman living with a black conscience covered in guilt and lies.
I saw a person with feelings. Her jaw wobbled and it made my heart ache for her. "Yes. I truly am sorry. I never wanted this for you despite my inabilities. A few times I wished I'd paid more attention to you when you performed. You're incredible, Ana, and I felt like you needed to hear me say that in person."
My lips parted. Her eyes watered and she wiped a tear away that slipped out. I was speechless that she allowed herself to be so vulnerable.
Joy opened the door and I held my breath.
Goodbyes were never easy, and that's what this felt like. We had eighteen years of history together that were coming to an end.
I watched as Joy walked out with the door quietly closing behind her.
In my heart, I knew this was probably the last time I'd ever see her again, and I wasn't sure how to feel other than cry.
Twenty-Three
The first day we flew back to Georgia, I slept the entire day.
In fact, I'd slept for three days straight.
The consequences of pushing myself had set in and I was out for the count. My body kept spasming. Everything tightened up and my body fought against me, trying to take over and bring me down. All I could do was wake up to my alarm going off as a reminder to take my medications, eat something small, and then go right back to sleep. I only had a week until I would be shipped off to Texas again, and my body needed to heal. I may be stubborn, but I wasn't an idiot. Recuperating was an absolute must, or I wouldn’t stand a chance. For once, I listened to my body’s warnings.
I had yet to speak with Kova privately. After I saw Joy, I went to dinner with both coaches and then back to Dad's suite where I’d stayed until we checked out the next day. Dinner had gone surprisingly smooth and luckily short. No words were exchanged between Kova and me after that night and I hadn't seen him since.
Now, I was back on Amelia Island with no way of talking to him. I could use my burner phone, but I didn't want to risk calling him after Katja had picked up that day, so I stored it in a hidden place in my room where it wouldn't be found. It was so tempting, but somehow, I'd managed to resist.
I didn't want to hurt my dad again either. Something about what Sophia had said when she gifted me the book twisted my stomach with guilt.
Still, my heart yearned for Kova. The longing that was caged inside my chest wanted to break free and run to him. I ached for him, his touch, his words, the look in his eyes when it was just the two of us. I fucking missed him so goddamn much. If this was what a real breakup felt like, then I never wanted to experience it again. It hurt.
While I had to drive down to Cape Coral to pack, there still wouldn't be time to see each other. We were flying together to Texas to train and prepare for the Olympics, but it wasn't going to be possible to talk to him during that time either. It definitely couldn't happen on the plane, and there'd be too many ears around for the type of conversation at the training facility too. We needed time, and we didn't have it. I wasn't sure what the status was of his arrest, or if he was charged with anything.
After I finally climbed out of bed, I showered and ate a normal meal, then I texted Avery to tell her I was in town only to get a ton of angry emojis in return because she was away for a cheerleading competition. She congratulated me on making the team. I hadn't told her—apparently Xavier had. When she got back, I'd be in Cape Coral and then Texas. We promised to fill each other in when we got a chance.
Walking into Dad's office, I asked, "Where's Xavier? Is he here?"
He moved the phone away from his face, and mouthed, "Pool house," and pointed a finger toward the window.
Nodding, I turned around and made my way outside and down the walkway to his mini house.
I knocked on the door and waited. I didn't want to barge in on him; who knew what he was doing and with who. It didn't take more than a few seconds for the door to fling open and his bright smile to greet me.
"Hey—"
My brother pulled me into a bear hug and squeezed me. "Sleeping Beauty finally wakes," he joked. Laughing, we separated, and he invited me into the house. "Dad said not to bother you or he would take my credit card and my truck, so I stayed far away."
I beamed up at him. Xavier's truck was his pride and joy.
"It’s all good."
I glanced around. It had been awhile since I was here. His pool house looked nothing like what Avery had described when she told me their breakup story. It looked…livable.
"I really needed the rest. I can't believe how much I slept." His eyes softened with empathy and I pointed a finger. "Don't look at me like that, you loser."
Xavier grinned from ear to ear. "I'm just saying for someone who legit slept for days straight minus five hours, you still look like shit."
I rolled my eyes and took a seat on his couch. "I don't feel like it, though. I did when we first got back and my body locked up. I was throwing up like crazy, but I'm way better now."
Xavier studied me. His honey brown eyes took in my face down to my toes. He grabbed a cigarette out of the pack on the beat-up coffee table and lit it between his thumb and index finger. He took a long drag and exhaled.
"Do you mind?" he asked after he lit it, and I shook my head.
I frowned. His hand holding the cigarette shook, and I wondered why.
"Why are you shaking like that?"
His eyes dropped to his hand. "Alcohol withdrawal. I need a fucking drink."
My brows shot up, surprised he was being so honest. Every once in a while, I had seen his hands shake but I never thought anything of it until now. I had no idea it was alcohol related. Kova loved his vodka, but he never shook.
"But it's so early," I said, stating the obvious. It had to be around noon on a Thursday.
Xavier shook his head and brushed it off. "Nope, we're not going there. We're going to talk about you and how you made it to the fucking Olympics. Do you even know how cool it is to say my sis is going to the Olympics?" He paused, and took another drag. "We have a lot to catch up on."
I let out a light laugh. "What if I say we're not going there?" His eyes turned to stone and I stared right back. Of course, I was going to tell him. I smiled and that seemed to loosen him up. "I'm just playing. What do you want to know?"
"Well, for starters, how the hell do you feel? Your arm okay? Healing…everywhere else?" He used his hand to gesture toward my empty stomach.
I moved my arm around, slowly stretching it. "It aches here and there and it's a little sore, but it's much better. Not nearly as bad as it was. I should be good to go by the time the Games start."
"I couldn't believe when Dad called me. I know he didn't tell me everything because he's concerned about my 'anger issues.'" He sounded anno
yed. "I almost drove down there to murder Kova and kick Dad’s ass for hurting you. I want the truth, Adrianna. What happened? What's been happening? Has your coach been abusing you this whole time? Did he rape you? Why didn't you come to me? Why didn't you tell anyone?"
My stupid brother had already assumed the absolute worst and it was going to be hard to convince him otherwise. The last thing I wanted or needed was him worrying too.
Xavier's nostrils flared, and the hand that wasn't holding the cigarette tightened into a fist. His knee started to bounce furiously. By the rapid succession, I’d swear he had the questions stored in his mind ready for when he saw me. I don't think he even took a breath. His sudden anger struck a slice of panic through me. Stress cramped my stomach. I hoped I wasn't the reason he needed a drink.
I softened with compassion. I wanted Xavier to see that I was going to be honest with him, but make sure he knew that nothing bad had happened to me. I didn't want him to worry about me like that, or think I wasn't protected and left to be abused. This was going to be tricky because I could already taste his rage.
I sighed and pulled my knees up and crossed them under me. I reached for the blanket on the back of the couch and covered myself. His house was freezing yet he was sweating profusely.
"It's not like that. I know what you're thinking and what Dad told you, and I swear on my life that it's not. I know it's hard to believe, but it's the honest truth. I wasn't raped, Xavier. I wasn't abused. I wasn't taken advantage of. Nothing like that ever happened."
He stabbed his cigarette out in a glass ashtray. "Then what the fuck happened? Because I've been thinking the worst over here ready to go on a murder spree."
"It's not pretty."
"Life rarely is."
I was a little unsure what to do. Xavier threw his hands up before I could even think. He had no patience.
"Well? I'm waiting."
Closing my eyes, I began.
The story took nearly an hour to tell, and during that time, I purposely left the sex out. He knew I’d had sex with Kova, he didn't need the details. I told him how Kova had pulled me from the meet, then he'd gotten married without telling me. How I’d hooked up with a guy from the men's team to spite Kova. I wouldn't tell him who, though. Xavier was shocked over that one and said he didn't expect that from me. I told him how his mom had played a part in the whole charade to get back at Dad, and how she’d roped Katja into it. I’d tried to focus on how Kova and I'd connected through gymnastics and personal stories so Xavier could see it was so much more than lust like Dad had said. Kova and I had a mutual attraction and the chemistry didn't need any friction to begin with. It was already there the moment we’d met.
Just about every little aspect of my illicit relationship with my coach, Xavier now knew. He let me speak, but that didn't mean he wasn't fazed by it.
It was the complete opposite. His eyes rarely left mine, but his body emitted a trail of rage I could feel. Quite a few times I'd wondered if this was what Avery had been talking about because it scared me too. He was like a volcano ready to erupt. His knuckles were screaming white and when they weren't, it was because he was chain-smoking cigarettes. He got up and paced the floor, sat down and grabbed his head and pulled on his hair. I felt bad and stopped a few times only for him to wave his hand in a circle for me to keep going. When I was done, we both sat there for a long moment without saying anything.
I was second-guessing my decision to tell him so much.
"It's kind of similar to you and Avery, you know," I said, breaking the silence.
His head snapped up. Elbows on his spread knees, he dropped his hands and gawked. Wild eyes stared back at me.
"You can't possibly say that."
I frowned. How did he not see that? "But it is."
"Aid—no, it's not. Not even close. He's a fucking adult, what he did is illegal. There's a huge difference."
My jaw slackened. "He didn't do anything wrong." I pleaded with him to understand. "How can you sit there and say that after I told you I pursued him too? I told you I love him. How can you sit there and say otherwise? Who cares about the ages?"
He put his hand up. "Stop. I can’t stomach anymore. I'm disgusted. All I can picture is his hands on you, and I want to fucking break them."
Xavier stood and marched into the kitchen, each step louder. I followed him and watched as he yanked opened the freezer and pulled out a bottle of vodka by the neck. He didn't bother with a glass. He uncapped it and took a long swig. I grimaced. How gross. That stuff tasted like rubbing alcohol.
"Xavier, please. I thought you'd be understanding."
He put the bottle back and wiped his mouth on his bicep. "Well, you thought wrong. There's no excuse, honestly." He glared at me, refusing to back down. "There's not."
Hurt laced my eyes as anger ignited inside of my heart. "Avery told me she went after you too. And you’re an adult."
He let out a haughty laugh. "Yeah, she's fucking lying, but I'm not surprised. That's all she's good at anyway." He shook his head. "Fucking lies. She's filled with them."
My eyes lowered, and the flame of anger inside of me rose higher with how he spoke about my best friend he’d screwed over. Avery wouldn't lie to me, not after our pact.
"I knew she wanted me, so I chased her until she caved because I wanted that sweet ass too. Only it kicked back and I got attached. Who knew—little fucking Avery." He shook his head again like he was in a state of disbelief. "Karma got me, though, when she got rid of our kid."
"That's right. You got her pregnant then fucked her over and left her."
Twenty-Four
His eyes widened and all I could see was white.
"Don't even go there!" he yelled in my face, spit flying. I pulled back because I wasn't going to take his aggression. "You have no idea what you're talking about."
"You’re a drug addict and an alcoholic. She couldn't handle that and tried to help you. I know about all the overdosing too. You were spinning out of control. You shoved her away to hook up with someone else in front of her. You fucked her over and left her and then ignored her while she was going through the worst time of her life. You used her. I knew you would too, and had I known what was happening, I would've stopped it the first chance I got."
It wasn't fair of me to say that, but I was mad and couldn't stop the pent-up aggression from coming out of me. Damnit. A tear slipped from the corner of my eye. And then another. I couldn’t tell if it was because I was angry, sad, or just frustrated with everything.
"Don't start with the waterworks. That's the same stupid shit she used to do, and it won't work."
"You're such a dick," I said and wiped them away. "You got my best friend fucking pregnant and then walked out of her life like she didn't exist. How can you sit there and get mad at me and want to kill Kova when you're no better?"
I thought he was going to explode. Xavier put his index and middle finger in the air along with his thumb. It reminded me of a gun. His hand trembled and from that trembling came his wrath that spread throughout the room.
"You better stop, now," he said. His voice was quiet, barely in control. I wasn't afraid of him. He'd never physically hurt me, but I'd never seen him this worked up before either. "You're so far off that I'm about to fucking lose it. What happened is because of her, not me. I didn't do anything wrong but worship the dirty ground she walked on. She fucked us up."
"Famous last words from a junkie," I spat out and then immediately wished I could take it back.
His chest rose and fell fast, and his eyes flared. "Seriously, Aid? How fucking dare you compare me to your sleaze-ball coach and then call me a junkie. What Avery and I had was really not the same at all. "I don't care if you stood in front of him naked with your legs spread willing and ready, he should have walked away. Dad trusted him. He was supposed to look after you, not fuck you." He seethed. "I can't believe Dad didn't kill him."
"He almost did."
"Good. I wish he had. I wish that fucke
r was six feet under and rotting. I wish I could pull each fucking limb from his body."
My jaw trembled violently. Before I could stop them, tears gushed from my eyes. This was not what I wanted to happen when I came in here to see him. I didn't want to fight with my brother. I missed him and wanted to talk to him.
I covered my face with my hands and cried, sobbing quietly. A loud sound erupted in the room, like an explosion, and I jumped. Glancing up, I saw Xavier had punched a wall. There was a massive hole.
He stalked over to me and I stepped backwards quickly. My heart was racing. His knuckles were bleeding and when I stumbled, he grabbed me by my elbow.
"Get the fuck over here," he said, and hauled me to his chest.
Xavier released a deep, slow sigh that was dripping in regret, and hugged me. I broke down, crying hysterically against him.
"I'm sorry for calling you a junkie." I whimpered. "I didn't mean to. I know you're not."
"Just shut up. I am one, and I got pissed. I'm your big brother. I'm supposed to protect you and all I ever do is fuck up every damn day. I'm not mad at you, I'm mad at myself and feel like all I do is let people down." Cupping the back of my head, my brother held me, letting me cry as much as I needed to. "I wanted to kill him, sis, when Dad told me what happened. He had to hold me back because I fucking lost it and I was ready to get my boys and go after him. I feel like I let you down and didn’t protect you when you needed it most."
His apology wasn't helping my emotions because all I could do was feel the weight of his words and the regret lining them. I clenched my eyes shut trying to hold in the tears. We both felt bad. Maybe we both had shit built up inside we had to get out, and it just happened to be with each other.
Guilt ate away at my heart. All I did was hurt people and sometimes I didn't even know I was doing it.
"I promise, Xavier, I promise nothing like that happened. I swear." I sniffled. "I have no reason to lie anymore. Please believe me. He—Kova—he was sick over it when it happened. I didn't care that he was, and I found myself purposely tempting him and trying to be around him."