by Lucia Franco
Xavier pulled back and lifted the hem of his shirt for me to wipe my tears. I tried to smile but I couldn’t bring myself to as I took it and dabbed my eyes. I was hurt, but so was he. God, I wished we could go back and redo this conversation from the start.
Exhaling a large breath, I glanced up and was taken aback by the way he was looking at me.
Xavier was in a bad place. I had a terrible gut feeling no one knew just how messed up inside he was. His pointed nose flared. His dirty blond eyelashes framed the glowing amber of his eyes. He was going through some deep stuff too.
I didn't say anything. All I could do was hug my brother. He was emotionally suffering just as much as I was, possibly more, and maybe, just maybe, he needed this more than I did.
My heart pounded against my chest for him. Squeezing my eyes shut, I prayed that whatever he was dealing with inside would get better.
Xavier rested his head on top of my shoulder and we stood in silence as tears streamed down my flushed cheeks. He dipped his head and I felt his back shaking. It was a subtle shake, but I could feel it.
After a few good minutes of us dealing with our struggles in quiet, I said, "I know you're mad at her, but I hope you can come to terms with what happened between you guys. Not only is she my best friend, but she's my match, Xavier. She's always going to be in my life."
"I know. What are the chances that would happen?"
Xavier seemed much calmer now that he released whatever he was holding in.
"I was just as shocked. She surprised me on my birthday with the news."
"I know. She told me," he said, and I glanced up with my brows drawn together. He answered my puzzled stare. "When she got the news, she was bursting to tell you. I'm sure you know she's terrible with surprises. So, she told me and talked my ear off for days and said she was going shopping for you."
A dim smile tugged at one corner of my mouth.
"She got me some really funny things," I said, thinking of the shirts and mug. "I loved them."
"Yeah, I saw them. I helped her pick them out."
Surprise was written on my face. She hadn't told me they’d spoken or that he’d helped her, but I guess that didn't really matter in the grand scheme of things anymore.
"It'll never work out with her," he added, his voice as far away as his stare. He was looking at something over my shoulder, but I could see he was lost in his thoughts.
"You don't know that."
He looked back at me. "No, I do."
"Do you love her?"
His long silence was my answer and I didn't like that. It was like barbed wire around my bleeding heart.
"I don't want you to worry about me and her. Everything'll be fine. I'll be real with you that I still fucking love her even though I want to wring her tiny goddamn neck. I know she feels the same way. But sometimes love just isn't enough, some things just can't be forgiven."
"Crazier things have happened."
He ignored me. "The last couple of years have been really…disturbing, but I'll always be here for you. I love you, but you better not ever think about hooking up with that man again, Adrianna, because I will kill him."
A sad chuckle rolled off my lips. I knew he wasn't serious. At least I didn't think he was.
"I love him, Xavier. How does one stop loving someone when it's killing them? I don't want to let go of him, and I know he feels the same way about me."
"Even with everything he's done to you, you still would hold on and love him?"
Before I answered, I took a hard look at him. Something in my gut said he was asking more for himself than to question me. I had a feeling this had to do with him and Avery.
"I do." I looked in his eyes and told him the truth. "If it's worth it, I have to forgive to move on. Kova's worth it." I nodded. Xavier didn't say anything. He seemed surprised and slightly hopeful. "Please, please," I said, stressing the word, "don't tell Dad. It's the honest truth, though."
He lifted my side braid and ran his fingers over it. Still looking at my hair, he said under his breath, "When you find out how to stop loving people when it's killing you, let me know."
Twenty-Five
I’d almost forgotten I had to see my doctor for a full checkup before I left.
Lupus brain fog was real.
I drove south to Cape Coral the day of the appointment.
Before I’d left, Dad told me Kova had called him and said he needed to speak with me because a couple of colleges had inquired about me. I had been thrilled, thinking I could put my focus on my next goal to keep my mind busy, but Dad had been reluctant. He didn't want me going back to World Cup for anything without him, especially where Kova was involved. But he also knew how important it was to discuss this matter. As gradually as I could, I’d reminded him Kova wasn't going to college with me.
With a little over an hour before I had to see my doctor, I was currently sitting in Kova's office with Madeline next to me. They'd already been in his office waiting for me when I walked in wearing light denim skinny jeans and a boho chic top with my leopard flats.
Looking at him but not being able to touch him, physically hurt me. I was getting to the point where I was unable to tell the difference between heartache and the tightness from my illnesses anymore. Both hacked my chest open with bare hands. I swallowed, wondering if he felt the same. I thought this would be easy—come in, have the conversation, leave.
But it wasn't like that at all.
The anguish in my chest at seeing him again in his element consumed my heart and took over all feeling. His fingertips tapped the top of the wood desk and my eyes dropped to the motion. Memories of us in his office flashed through my mind. My eyes lifted to the wall he took me against when Hayden had walked in and found us. I looked back at the desk he was still tapping, and I pictured myself hidden under it naked when Katja had walked in. I shot a quick glance over my shoulder to look at the couch where we had shared many intimate moments together and did a double take. My stomach plummeted.
It was a direct blow to my gut.
The couch was gone. My brows knitted together and hurt lacerated my tender heart. I wondered when he got rid of it, and why. My instincts told me it had to do with us, but the bigger part of me fighting for us was more optimistic about it.
I turned and faced forward. Madeline was still writing stuff down and checking her phone while she did, mumbling to herself. Kova was peering straight into my eyes with a helpless look.
I needed him. I needed to touch him, to feel his arms wrapped around me. I needed him to demand I tell him I love him so I could say I hate you. I just needed him to breathe against me and I'd know how he felt about us.
Absence did not make the heart grow fonder. It made the heart ache for something that might never be.
I didn't believe in soul mates. I thought the saying was cheesy, it made me laugh, but I got it now. I understood it, because I felt the two words come together.
Not attempting to see Kova later was going to be a struggle. I was trying to respect my father’s wishes and not hurt anyone else, but when my stomach was in knots and my heart was screaming out for him, it was difficult to consider anyone else's feelings but my own.
I looked at Kova. Our eyes met and he took my breath away. His hat was missing—I loved seeing him in it. The half-moon crescents under his eyes and drained expression told me he hadn't been sleeping much. I briefly wondered if he was writing his thoughts away or finding solace at the bottom of a vodka bottle. Sometimes he did that when his thoughts were dark.
My gaze drifted further down and I noticed Kova wasn't wearing his wedding ring anymore. I glanced away, trying to think back to the Trials and whether or not he had it on then, but it was all a blur. I wanted to believe he hadn't worn it, but I just couldn't remember.
"It's good to see you, Adrianna," Madeline finally said. She looked up from the binder she'd been writing in. "It felt strange not seeing you all week."
I gave her a sincere smile and cupped some
loose strands of my hair behind my ear. "It was strange not being here, actually. I didn't know what to do with myself. All my schoolwork is done. I finished early, so I just slept the whole time."
Her gaze softened with a knowing look I didn't like. She knew why I’d slept the week away, I was positive she knew. Though, it became a question with multiple choice answers. Did she know about both diseases? Or about the abortion—could I call it that if I'd already started to miscarry?
I didn't want to think about it.
"What did you do with your medals?" she asked me.
Now I was grinning from ear to ear. "I hung them up in my room at my dad’s house along with the flowers. I placed the bouquet upside down to dry so I could keep them forever."
"That was such a great idea. You can spray them with hairspray and they'll hold."
"Thanks. I'll do that."
Just as I looked at Kova, Danilo walked in. Glancing over my shoulder, I watched as he took a chair that looked too small for him to sit in and pulled it right next to me. He was a beast of a man and looked like someone on steroids. I bet he crushed soda cans between his meaty hands for fun.
"As you know, Danilo is now with World Cup," Kova said. "I felt he should sit in with us to go over a few things as he will be the new head coach."
I frowned, and looked back at Kova. Head coach? But what about him? Or were there two head coaches?
I studied Kova's gaze, trying to see what he meant by that, but he gave nothing away. Zero. Was he going to have to go back to jail? The thought made me queasy and now I had even more reason to talk to him privately…if we ever could, that was.
"Congratulations, Adrianna," Danilo said, putting my attention back on him. His Ukrainian accent was stronger than Kova's Russian.
"Thank you."
"Yes, let us get started," Kova said and stacked a few papers together. "A few universities have interest in you. They are top ranking division one schools in gymnastics. Now, while we are unaware as to what you plan for your future, it would behoove you to consider their offers, and to do it soon."
My lips twitched at the way he said "behoove.".
Kova continued. "They are aware you are a member of the Olympic gymnastics team and that you may postpone for one year. This is very common. Should you commit to a school, you have a place on any of the teams whether you postpone or not, except for one."
I was curious. "Which schools?"
Kova's eyes scanned the papers. "University of Florida, UCLA, University of Georgia, and University of Oklahoma. They are all offering full gymnastics scholarships. The head coach at UCLA feels she can work with you enough on beam to have you as an all-around gymnast, and not just a specialist. Georgia and Florida want you as a specialist on vault and bars. The difference between them is Florida wants you to commit this year. They will have to reassess you the following year. Oklahoma wants you as a specialist on vault, bars, and floor." He paused and looked me in the eyes. It was hard to focus on his words when I was looking at him. "You have options."
"All the schools are the absolute best. You can't go wrong with any of them," Madeline said. I turned toward her and she smiled. "I'm partial to Florida—Go, Gators!—since I went to school there." She put her arms out and did the gator chomp. It made me smile bigger.
"I have no preference," Danilo added blandly, and I stifled a giggle. He just shrugged when I looked at him. "I am not familiar with any university here."
I sat for a moment thinking as I looked back to Kova. Madeline and Danilo gave me their opinions, but Kova hadn't and I was curious what he thought.
"What do you think?" I asked him.
Kova's opinion mattered most to me.
"It does not matter what I think. The choice is yours to make."
My brows furrowed, my smile faltering a bit. I was overcome with emotion. Uncertain which choice was right, grateful that I'd been offered at all. I swallowed, feeling a little stressed out but happy. If we were alone, I would ask again and make him tell me.
"When do I need to make a decision by?" I asked.
"Your commitment will be announced after the Olympics so you can focus. I believe the schools will be emailing you and your dad with documents to review."
Being offered a place on the team from any of those schools was an honor. I was flattered they recognized me. Kova had said they were watching, but I never believed it when there were so many other athletes better than me.
"You have a big decision to make," Madeline said. "You'll have to weigh the pros and cons and really think about where you want to call home for the next four years or so."
Danilo added, "They will do a full medical sweep on you as well and check you for ailments. It is wise to be honest and up front before any contract is signed."
I nodded reluctantly, aware of what he was hinting at. Eventually I'd have to share my secret and pray the school wouldn't withdraw their offer. Until then, I couldn't worry about it. I had enough on my plate as it was.
"Before you leave today," Madeline said, "you'll need to clean your locker out since you won't be returning to train here."
I was quiet. It never occurred to me that I needed to take everything with me, but she was right. I would never train at World Cup again. Tomorrow I would leave for Texas, and then I was Olympics bound. After that, I was going back home to Amelia Island.
I glanced down at my hands. My palms were dry, and the skin was ripped a little. A bittersweet sensation climbed to my eyes. I hadn't grown up in this gym training, but I spent enough time here to consider it a home. I matured as a person and athlete. I formed friendships and relationships within these walls. I cried and laughed.
I'd take the memories with me and hold them close to my heart. This was another chapter of my life I was about to finish.
"You didn't realize, did you?" she asked softly. I shook my head.
Still looking at my hands, I said, "I guess I'll be saying goodbye, then."
"Take all the time you need."
Madeline and Danilo rose to their feet. "Make sure you come say goodbye before you leave. The girls are waiting on us, so we need to get out there."
Danilo stared down at me a moment, then said, "Second place winner is first place loser. Bring home the gold." My lips lifted at his words of wisdom.
I sniffled back my emotions and thanked Danilo, then told Madeline I'd find her. The door shut behind them as they left, leaving Kova and me alone.
The moment I'd been waiting for had finally arrived.
The air in the room became dense, that awkward silence filling the space between us. It was just the two of us, a ticking clock, and many, many words left unspoken.
I blinked my eyes rapidly trying to fight the tears when I decided to stand. I needed to get out of here, but I wanted to ask Kova questions. My pulse kicked up a notch and beat like a drum in my throat. I was jittery, feeling too vulnerable at the moment. I wasn't prepared for these emotions when I came here and now that they were baiting me. I needed to leave or I was going to cry any second.
"I'll see you later." My throat tightened and my words sounded mumbled.
I couldn't even look at him.
Saying goodbye to World Cup meant saying goodbye to Kova.
My heart was not ready for that.
My. Heart. Was. Not. Ready.
I couldn’t breathe. Oh God. My chest was so tight. I struggled to get air into my lungs.
"Wait," he said, but I was already at the door and reaching for the knob. "Please." His hand appeared in front of me. He held the door closed, and I immediately dropped my hand.
We were alone. He was right next to me. My eyes closed shut as my breathing deepened. I could feel the warmth of his presence, the smell of his sultry cologne, the dire need pulsing through me to reach out for him. I couldn't walk away when we were made for each other.
I shook my head before he could say anything. My eyes were filled with tears now. There were pieces of my heart embedded here that I couldn't take back
with me. How was I supposed to leave?
Kova didn't say anything.
I didn't say anything.
Did he know how much I needed him right now? How close I was to breaking inside?
Of course, he did. Because he was Kova, and I was Ria, and we understood each other in ways no one else could.
He reached for me…and that was all it took.
Kova cupped my arm and pulled me to him. I went willingly and let out a cry against him. My hand found his chest and I fisted his shirt as soft tears fell from my eyes. I hugged him so tight, like I was afraid to let go, because I was. I was scared to let go because I wasn't sure what would happen to us next.
"Ria," he whispered. His fingers brushed the hair away under my ear and draped it over my other shoulder. He tried to tip my face back to look at him, but I shook my head. "Please, I need you to look at me."
"I'm so sorry." I whimpered. "For everything. I wish I could take it all back."
"No," he said on a strangled gasp. "Do not say that. I do not regret a thing, and I know you do not either."
Taking my wrists gently into his hands, he brought them up and over his shoulders so I had no choice but to hug him, and it broke my heart even more. He let go then placed his hands under my shirt and on my hips like he needed to feel me. Kova hugged me to him. A sigh rolled through my lips at the touch of his warm flesh on mine.
Kova needed me too.
Rising up on my tiptoes, my heart beat wildly against my ribs. With trembling fingers threading through the hair at the back of his neck, I finally looked up.
My heart was in his hands.
Twenty-Six
I wanted to kiss him and tell him that I did love him, that I was going to do whatever I could to fix this and make it right, but something felt so off that it caused a tide of anxiety to wrap around my heart and hold back.