by Lucia Franco
I nodded. "I have a question. Realistically, say I start dialysis shortly after I come home, and say I respond well to the treatment, how long do I have before I would need a transplant?"
Dr. Kozol chuckled under his breath. "I feel bad for your future husband," he joked, which made me laugh. "If, and that's a big if, you have a positive response, I'd say no more than two years to be safe. Four would be ideal, but given where your health is right now, that's highly unlikely. We'd rather be prepared early. I hesitate to tell you this because I don't want you to focus on that."
I perked up. I could work with a two-year timeline for both Avery and myself. Even though she was selflessly giving me a kidney, I had to take her time into consideration too. I wasn't going to chance my life like everyone around me assumed I was. I felt in my heart of hearts I'd get better enough to compete again, and that's the kind of mentality I went with. I could hire a personal trainer and do light workouts while recovering with dialysis that way I didn't lose what I’d worked so hard to attain.
Biting the inside of my cheek, I said, "Let's schedule the dialysis now. I'll be here with bells on first thing when I get back." I stopped when something dawned on me. "Wait, I'm supposed to be going back to Amelia Island after the Games."
"That's not an issue. I have an office about thirty minutes west of there. I'll make sure your file is transferred and everything is in place when you come in. In the meantime, once you decide where you will relocate to, let me know so I can put together a reputable team. How long will you remain in Georgia?"
"I'm not sure."
Dr. Kozol began writing while he asked me questions. Since I was deferring school to recover, I had roughly nine months before school started again, which meant I had about six or so to prepare for the collegiate team, and three months to get my health in order.
"Right now, you're retaining fluid in your feet, which isn't good."
"Is that why they felt stiff and swollen this morning? I almost had to change my shoes."
"Yes. Luckily, it hasn't reached your face. Any nausea or confusion? Irregular heartbeat? A change in urine?"
I shook my head. "Honestly, no. I've been feeling really good. Other than the usual joint pain and more hair loss, nothing out of the ordinary. My headaches have been pretty bad, but I think those are due to the fact I'm stressed out and running on anxiety because of the training camp and the Games."
His eyes met mine above the rim of his glasses. "Don't ignore what your body is trying to tell you."
"I'm not."
The room grew quiet as Dr. Kozol made his notes. I wasn't too thrilled about starting dialysis.
"You're going to be monitored for heart disease since you already have severe kidney damage that's progressing. I'm going to switch out one of your medications for a stronger steroid. This'll help with the wear and tear. I implore you to take the medication exactly as it's stated on the bottle. You cannot miss a dose."
I sat up straighter. "I'll fill the prescription, but I need to see if it's on the list of banned medications before I take it. I'm going to be given a full health screening by the Olympic Committee, so I'll need a full copy of my file."
"I spoke with your father and already have it prepared for you. I’ve included my personal phone number for their physicians. Everything is right here," he said, tapping the thick folder next to him. "I also told Frank I'd be willing to attend just to be safe. He felt like it was a good idea."
A huge sense of relief washed over me. I smiled, actually liking the idea. There would be doctors chosen by the Olympic Committee, but they didn't know me, and if I was cutting it as close as I supposedly was, maybe this was a good thing.
I hadn’t made it this far just to collapse now.
Twenty-Eight
"Everyone is going to know." I whined into my cell phone.
"Why is that a bad thing?" Avery asked.
"When you found out, how did you feel?"
She was quiet for a moment. "I guess I was really sad and just felt so bad. I started thinking about all the negative things. I got really down inside and cried."
"Exactly. I don't want that. I don't want anyone to feel that way about me. I'm fine. I'm not going anywhere anytime soon. Now people are going to look at me differently. They're going to be like, 'Oh, that's the girl with lupus and kidney disease,' or 'Why doesn't she look sick?' What if they call me names for pursing my dream instead of getting better? Then the digging starts, and the questions follow. Then there's the pity looks. I just don't want to be made to feel any different, because I'm not. I'm just a little sick. Others have it worse than me. I'll be fine."
I was in my room packing for my early flight and stopped to sit on the bed. Lying back, I stared at the celling.
I started to panic about one thing, then all the little things followed that didn't bear a thought in my mind before this. The walls of my chest began to feel like they were closing in and then the pressure started. I didn't like when my pulse pumped harder in the next beat. It shook me up. My hand flew to my chest and I closed my eyes, inhaling through my nose and exhaling through my mouth. My fingers shook and my body began to warm all over.
"Yeah, but they're not going for gold either." Her tone softened and I opened my eyes. "Maybe it won't be such a bad thing. Talking about it is good, chica."
I let out a dramatic sigh. "I can't believe I didn't see this coming."
"I can't believe I get to go to the fucking Olympics and watch my bestie!" Avery said.
I chuckled and sat up. Glancing over my shoulder at my suitcase laid open on my bed with clothes and leos strewn across it, I reached for my favorite leo and fingered the material. I'd gotten this one shortly before I went to World Cup. It was all black with tons of fuchsia Swarovski crystals in different sizes across the chest. It was the leo I wore to warmups right before my big meets. Joy had gotten it for me.
"Will it be weird with Xavier there?"
"I don't have an issue with him, he's the one who hates me. You know that."
"True, but didn't he call you when he found out I made the team?"
Her giggle made me smile. She was giddy. I was surprised when I found out Xavier had called Avery and told her the news considering how he supposedly felt about her.
"He did. He's so excited for you. I honestly hadn't heard him like that in so long." She paused. "It was good to hear him so happy for a change."
"Do you think you'll talk to him, like hang out at night? You know I have to room with my team, so I won't be able to stay with you."
"I'm not worried in the least. If he wants to chill, I'm cool with that. If not, then that's fine too. I figured I'd walk around and check out the eye candy. I know all"—she drew out the word—"about the Olympic Village and what goes on. I read online that over a hundred thousand condoms were ordered just for the Village, and nearly five million for the whole city. That's a lot of fucking for just two weeks."
A loud laugh burst from my throat. The Olympic Village had super tight security to protect the athletes and help keep them focused on their events without distraction. That meant no reporters or parents or friends were allowed behind the gates. Only those competing in the Games. With a variety of ages and bodies primed, and all the tension and stress, athletes needed a way to let loose. From what I'd heard, nothing was off limits and anything was possible. There had been numerous rumors surrounding the last Games about orgies and dating apps used for sex. Honestly, I couldn't imagine doing any of that.
"So, what do you think you're going to do? Just sneak inside and people watch?" I laughed picturing her walking around like a little kid in a candy store. "Are you going to walk up to a dude and say take me for the night, no name needed?"
"Aid… Stay innocent. I know a lot of the guys visit bars and venture outside the Village after they're done competing. I just want to see them in all their glory. Nothing more. Look, but don't touch."
"Right," I said, not convinced in the least. I placed my cell on my shoulder and
held the phone with my ear. Folding my leos and gym shorts, I stacked them in my suitcase. "Make sure you tell my brother first. I bet you won't make it through the hotel doors."
"He won't care."
"That's what you think."
I thought back to how he acted over her while I was home. Fat chance she was doing anything without him. Xavier could deny all he wanted that he was done with Avery, but after speaking to her and him, they were both so totally head over heels for each other still. It was too bad they were hiding their pain and not dealing with it together.
"You're so crazy."
"And you love me for it."
"True." I smiled to myself as I walked into the bathroom to place my toiletries into a separate bag. "So, I had to see my doctor today before I could board the plane tomorrow."
"And?" she responded quickly, her voice tight. "What's wrong?"
Now it was my turn to laugh. "Nothing is wrong. He did a thorough body check." I paused, swallowing hard for what I was about to say. "He wanted to plan the surgery after the Games—"
"Let's do it!" I frowned, caught off guard by her response. "Tell me when and where and I'm yours."
"I told him I would start dialysis instead."
She groaned under her breath. "You know, if you were in front of me right now, I would shake you. Why did you do that?"
I walked back into my room holding the little Louis bag. "You'd have to take time off from school your freshman year of college. I'm not doing that to you, and he said I could probably get by two more years with dialysis. Maybe even four. I figured if it all goes well, that's what we'd do."
Avery made a sound under her breath. "I don't understand you. I'm willing and ready now. You are well past ready and needed a damn kidney a week ago. What's the hold up? Are you scared your body is going to reject it? Because I'm not. I think it's going to be a success."
I sat on the edge of my bed and slid down until I was on the floor, and pulled up my knees. My lip rolled between my teeth. I picked at the carpet, feeling that gloomy sense of despair swirl around my chest again. I hated when I got down and out like this. It was hard to breathe, hard to focus, hard to just think because of the guilt I was dealing with inside. Avery would have to give up a lot for me. She'd have to alter her life for a while for mine. I really felt like I needed to let my body cool down from all the intense training before jumping straight into surgery. They all seemed to say otherwise.
"I'm not going to take away your first year of college like that. The recovery time is long. Plus," I said, hesitating, "it would have to be well planned and more organized since I won't be here. I don't even know which doctor will be doing it. It's not that easy."
Was I trying to convince her, or me?
"What do you mean you won't be here? Where are you going, and why am I just now hearing about it?"
"You're going to need months off. A summer would be ideal."
"Aid," she said. "What do you mean you won't be here? Where are you going?"
Exhaling a strained breath, I told her about the offers I received from the colleges and broke it down for her. "They couldn’t have come at a better time," I added. I truly believed that.
"Hold the phone. Florida wants you, and you're going to say no? Are you serious? But that's where I'll be going, and we always planned to go to college together." She mock whined. I swear I heard her stomp her foot.
My shoulders slumped forward. "I don't know. I feel like I know, but I don't. I’m really so torn."
"Ugh. You'd rather live with tornados or earthquakes?"
I paused, unblinking, trying to figure out what she was saying when it dawned on me. A small laugh rolled off my lips.
"Well, when you put it like that, neither. Seeing as my gym future is so uncertain, I have to think about where I'd want to go to school if I don't end up doing gymnastics. Where I'd be happy living and possibly one day having a life there. The plan is to have a place on the team, but there's a good chance I won't be able to handle it in the end."
She was quiet. "Yeah," she said softly, agreeing with me. "What about Kova?"
My eyes closed. Her question was a straight shot to my gut. I tried not to think about him when I thought about my offers, but the truth was, I did. He was very much sewn into the layers of my heart. He always would be, and I'd be lying if I said living near him wasn't high on my list.
"You're going to leave him? I find that hard to believe."
"I can't walk away from him."
"Then what will you do?"
I contemplated my answer. I had a feeling that what I wanted to do, was not what I would do.
"How do you walk away from someone you love?" My jaw began to tremble at the thought of leaving that I had to stop talking for a second. "It's impossible."
"What?" Avery yelled, though she'd pulled the phone away. She gasped. "Be right there! Can I call you back in a few, Aid? My dad literally just said my ass is grass, so I have to go run and hide now."
A slow smile curved my lips. "Ave," I said. "What did you do?"
She snickered into the phone, which made me laugh in return. "My brothers were pissing me off. They got what they deserved."
I shook my head. "Which was what?"
"I put that temporary hair dye that's all the rage in their shampoo. Now Connor has electric blue hair, and Michael’s is corn yellow. Or maybe it’s the other way around. Either way, they deserved it."
I covered my mouth. Xavier would straight up murder me if I did that to him. He was all about the hair right now, which was probably why her brothers were too.
"Text me later," I said, then we hung up.
Rising to my feet, I finished packing everything except for a few things I'd add in the morning. It wasn't late, but the flight departed very early, so I figured I'd just go to sleep since I didn't have anything else to do. I was always tired anyway.
Lifting my suitcase off the bed, I spotted the book Sophia gave me. I reached for it. I gazed down with the sudden need to flip through it, wondering if this was a sign too.
I climbed into bed and pulled the blanket over me. I read countless passages about stepping forward into growth and that I was to trust in myself to see my true beauty. How I had to train my mind and heart to be stronger than my emotions or I’d risk losing myself. That I needed to prove myself to me, because I mattered most to me. Then there were the reminders that I'd been given this life because I was strong enough to live it.
Sometimes I didn't feel like I was strong enough to live it.
There were so many motivating pages that I connected with. Who knew words could breathe inspiration into me like this, like maybe I was strong enough to handle anything.
It wasn't until I read the last page of a chapter that it really hit close to home.
When you change within yourself, the world around you will follow suit.
I had to close the book otherwise I would cry. The words rang with too much truth. Somewhere along the way I'd felt the change and had been trying to fight the pull, not accept that it was okay like the book suggested I do. I was a different person, and that meant I would have to let go of who I was comfortable with to find the new me. Accepting this also meant there would be a domino effect of change coming into my life. Was I ready for that?
I placed the book on my nightstand and turned off the light. I'd had enough reading for one night. Going to sleep sounded more appealing than mulling over my thoughts. Curling up on my side, I was on the verge of dozing off when my cell phone rang and startled me. I reached for my cell and frowned.
"Avery?" I said. She was sniffling into the phone. "What's wrong? Are you crying?"
"I'm just so happy for you. I only want what's best for you, and I feel like you're starting to finally see your worth and what you're capable of. I'm so happy you're my best friend."
I nestled the phone closer to my face and smiled. "You're so corny. I love you."
"I know. I just had to say it. Wherever you end up, it's where you're
supposed to be. Even if you are hundreds of miles away from me," she added. I could hear the smile on her face. "I can't wait to see you soon."
We both hung up and I drifted off to sleep, feeling much more optimistic and truly fortunate that I had a friend who’d stuck by me through all the shit I'd been through.
Twenty-Nine
Kova kept to himself as the clouds passed by. His blank stare was reflected in the glass, a look I couldn't recall ever seeing in his eyes. He seemed lost. Usually there was a feeling in his eyes, or an emotion he was trying to hide that I could typically see through.
This time there was nothing. That's what worried me the most, because he was the same exact way when we flew to the training camp a couple of weeks ago.
When we had first arrived at the Olympic training camp, I thought Kova's distance was due to us keeping everything strictly professional. We hardly spoke during then, not that we had time to. It'd been more intense than the last time I was there.
I wanted so badly to reach out and take his hand and just ask what's wrong. He didn't look at me very much, and when I did actually catch his eyes on me, he'd quickly look in the other direction. It bothered me to see him hide his emotions from me when he rarely ever held back before.
I knew it was the last thing I should've been concerned about, but before life had flipped upside down, we were in a really good place. I wanted to go back to that time. To when Kova had picked me up from the training camps and took care of me. I'd been in rough shape, probably having flare ups if I could remember properly. Funny thing, though, the camp I attended this year made Nationals feel like a walk in the park. Located in a secluded area of woods with hardly any cell phone reception, the coaching had been borderline emotionally and physically abusive. Food had been carefully calculated and washed down with laxatives once again. I'd forgotten how much I hated that part with a passion until my stomach had cramped in the middle of training from the pills. We had been weighed every day. I knew nothing about my new teammates except for the injuries they'd hidden and been forced to train on. Not one girl was in working order, each one of us brought something more painful to the table. One gymnast had trained on a foot that had broken bones. Another girl had landed wrong and fractured her back, resulting in an alternate taking her spot. Still, we hadn’t complained as our bodies were manipulated during the day and therapy was applied at night. We were brand new come morning.