3rd World Products, Inc., Book 1

by Ed Howdershelt

  And so it was. I showed her a few things using her remaining stripes and she soaked up the info instantly. Four games later she was playing as well as Gary and we had yet to discuss anything except the game of pool.

  I turned the table over to them and sat down to watch. Ellen broke and sank every ball in quick succession. Gary never got a shot. While he didn't seem upset, he had definitely noticed that she seemed to be a faster learner.

  Ellen asked, "Have we played enough games to satisfy protocol?"

  I laughed. "Oh, absolutely, Ellen. 'Protocol' has been thoroughly satisfied. Gary, where the hell does she get these ideas? Do you two think you're mingling with aboriginal natives or something like that?"

  Gary came to the table, sat down, and for the first time that night I saw him actually sip some beer. Ellen watched him as if she couldn't believe he was doing such a thing, then seemed to steel herself as she also came to the table.

  "Something like that, yes," said Gary. "We've encountered customs in other regions that required participation for acceptance."

  Ellen picked up her beer and seemed to hesitate for a second, but she raised the glass to her lips and took a sip.

  I grinned at Gary and asked, "Do you think she'd have done that if she knew what it was made from?"

  Gary glanced at his own beer in surprise.

  Ellen's eyes flicked to mine in a flat gaze.

  "Fermented grains," she said. "You seem to feel a need to tease me. Would you do the same to another woman?"

  I nodded. "That would depend on the woman, I guess. Now what did you want to talk to me about?"

  Ellen said, "You never answered my question. Where do you think we're from?"

  I sat back and sipped my beer, then said, "The spaceship."

  Ellen asked, "If you believe that, why aren't you more concerned about our being here?"

  "I don't believe it, I just think so. If I should be concerned, tell me why. To me you're just tourists from a bit farther away than New York until you do something to change that view."

  Her eyebrow went up slightly at the word 'tourists'.

  "Gary said you think he lied to you. Why do you think that?"

  "I'd prefer not to say how I knew, Ellen. It's handy at times."

  Ellen's gaze turned briefly piercing, as if she was very used to having her questions answered instead of evaded.

  Gary asked, "Since you think we're aliens, why do you think we're here? I mean, here, now, in a bar with you?"

  "Like I said, Gary; tourists. You've probably seen way too much of that ship and need some time away. I figure the contrast of cultures and technology is about what it would be if I decided to take a tour of a village in the mountains of Ecuador. I'd see what I'd consider rudimentary technology and superstitious natives. This particular native, by the way, is not noticeably superstitious."

  "No, apparently not," said Gary. Ellen said nothing.

  If I was right, they were tourists. If I was wrong, whether they were aliens or anything else, I'd just given them a reason to let me go as harmless.

  After a moment, Ellen said, "We're here as observers, Ed. Nothing more."

  "Whatever. I wasn't gonna worry about it, but it seems to me that observers only observe. They don't usually interact with those being observed. When you start buying the natives beers and playing pool, you become tourists."

  Ellen actually chuckled. Gary and I both glanced at her in surprise.

  "Am I not allowed to think something is humorous?" she asked. "Ed is correct. We ceased being observers when you interacted this evening."

  Susie came in to see how we were doing and asked me if I wanted another beer. I said I'd had enough. When she left, I noted Gary eyeing her legs. Ellen noticed too, but said nothing and gave no indication of annoyance.

  Something about the two of them said that they were co-workers of some kind, but not necessarily a couple. Ellen was gorgeous, and that induced me to ask about their relationship. Gary answered that they had been assigned together.

  Ellen wryly asked, "Are you again just curious, Ed?"

  I didn't mention the fact that she seemed to be displaying an actual personality for only about the second time that evening.

  "Nope. I'm interested, Ellen. Beautiful blondes are one of my few weaknesses."

  "It doesn't bother you that you think we're aliens from another world? What if we have some strange new disease?"

  I laughed softly and said, "Whoever parked that ball out there has likely been here before and made contacts. They believe that we can't or won't attack it and they knew exactly where they wanted to park it, so if there's a nasty disease of any sort on that ship I'd be damned surprised to hear of it. Just tell me that you won't suddenly turn into a green slime monster with long teeth and I'll take my chances with you. I did tell you that you're gorgeous, didn't I?"

  Ellen actually smiled, then she asked, "If we're from such an advanced race, why would I favorably consider you, who happen to be one of the natives?"

  I smiled. "Hey, stuff like that happens with tourists. Wanna see my grass hut and go native for a while?"

  Gary laughed sharply, startling both of us. "Sorry," he said.

  Ellen's tone was cold. "You're amused that he would find me attractive?"

  Gary quickly said, "No! No, no! Of course not!"

  "Then what was so amusing?"

  Gary looked like a bug on a pin. "I just... I mean... Well, Ed thinks we're..."

  It was interdiction time.

  I said, "Whatever you two may be, Ellen is the kind of woman most men dream of and I'd be remiss not to at least tell her so. It never hurts to let any woman know you think she's beautiful." Just to cement matters, I turned to Ellen and asked, "Wouldn't you agree, Ellen?"

  Ellen had been looking at me as I'd spoken. She looked archly at Gary and flatly stated, "Yes. I do indeed agree. Thank you, Ed."

  Heh. They'd have something to talk about later, aliens or not.

  Gary gave me a wry glare above his grin and sipped his beer again. He almost spilled his beer when his watch beeped a couple of inches from his face. Ellen's watch also beeped. Gary looked at his watch and made a comment about how late it was and both of them stood up.

  It wasn't even nine o'clock yet. Late? I stood up as well. It was an awkward moment as nobody spoke, then Ellen asked, "How may we contact you again?"

  I considered what number to write on the napkin as I asked, "How about if I give you a phone number?"

  For some reason I decided to use my real number instead of the library's fax number and scribbled it on the napkin, which I then handed to Ellen, the closest of the two. She glanced at it and put it in her purse with a "Thank you."

  There was another moment of awkwardness. I said, "Don't worry, I'm not going to ask for yours yet. Just call me the next time you're in town."

  After a couple of goodbyes, they left the bar. Through the big front windows I watched them walk to the Chevy and then watched the Chevy leave the parking lot. They headed north on US-19 and were quickly out of sight.

  Susie had picked up our bottles and wiped our table and now stood silently near me at the window. She looked up at me when I turned.

  Susie said, "I saw the blonde grab you outside, then Gary went out and you came back in with them. Is everything all right?"

  "I think so."

  "What are they? Cops?"

  "No, I don't think they're cops. More like tourists."

  "Not many tourists go around grabbing people, Ed."

  I shrugged. "I don't usually mind being grabbed by beautiful blondes. Not too much, anyway. Come to think of it, you're a beautiful blonde, Susie..."

  She patted her bottle-blonde hair and said, "You know better than that and I'm a little married at the moment, too, but I'll keep you in mind."

  "Damn. I guess I forgot. Oh, well..."

  Susie grinned at me went back to work behind the bar. I said goodnight and went to my car, keeping a watchful eye on surroundings. It occurred t
o me that I might be followed. I sipped coffee from my Aladdin mug, which goes everywhere with me, and considered matters a bit before starting the car.

  Dave had been able to leave the bar without difficulty. Susie and the few others in the bar had been generally ignored. I was the only one Ellen and Gary had spoken to at any length all evening.

  I had to assume that Ellen had been positioned somewhere nearby so that she could respond quickly if called to assist, which meant - to me - that either they'd been trolling for company in a bar or they'd known that I was going to be there.

  Prior to their watches beeping they'd made no mention of having to go anywhere at a given time, but that meant little. Cutting their visit short might or might not have been a deliberate action, but what if it had been used as a way to allow Ellen to prompt me for a means of contact? We hadn't used last names, so the logical response would be a phone number.

  If they were actually tourists they might call me sometime for another session. If Ellen actually had any interest in me, she might call. She hadn't seemed shy.

  If they'd simply been a kinky couple looking for a menage-a-trois, they'd have had no reason to end the encounter so early. It would have made more sense to continue to get to know me until they'd decided to see if I was interested.

  They wouldn't have needed a phone number if they'd already known who I was, so the number would have been a test of my willingness to cooperate, I suppose.

  Given that range of speculation, everything seemed to point to my having been singled out, either before or after meeting Gary. Was I being a tad paranoid? Maybe so, but it never hurts to be wary when enough odd items coincide.

  Ellen and Gary might have been uncomfortable with the idea of doing anything about me in the bar, but I had five miles of darkness to drive through on the way home. I stayed alert the whole way home and was actually a little surprised when I arrived at my driveway without incident.

  Remember what I said about other times and places and instincts? About leaves being turned the wrong way and things not seeming quite right?

  My ancient cat, Bear, wasn't waiting in the kitchen window to greet me. That could have meant only that he wasn't feeling up to clambering onto the kitchen counter, but after all that had happened, I was wary.

  I backed away from the doorway and quickly slipped around the house to the back to peek into a window or two. Ellen was sitting on my couch. Bear was on her lap and appeared happy enough. I'd probably be happy enough, too, I thought.

  A quick look around found no other people in or around the house, so I let myself in the back way and quietly approached the couch.

  Bear saw me first and greeted me with his usual "Yahh!". Ellen was startled and started to stand up, but I waved her back down as I put my mug on the coffee table.

  "Don't get up. You'll only make Bear lose his lap. You two are getting along pretty well, but ol' Bear thinks everybody comes here to see him. Where's Gary?"

  "I'm here alone. I didn't think it a good idea to wait outside."

  "I didn't see a car. You're here on foot? You're either a trusting soul or very confident, and since you were able to let yourself in, I'd say confident. Want a drink? I may have something in the fridge."

  "Nothing, thank you. Gary had an errand to run and dropped me here. He'll be back a little later. You don't seem too surprised to see me."

  "Surprised? After this evening, no, not much. Very cautiously curious, yes."

  I took a seat on the other end of the couch and watched Bear soak up her unconscious attention as her hand stroked him. Yup. He seemed very happy.

  Ellen reached into her jacket pocket and handed me a silvery tube. It was capped at one end and - if it had had a lightbulb - it could have passed as a tiny flashlight. There were no buttons or switches on its surface. I looked at Ellen.

  "It's a personal defensive device," she said. "A stunner. Maybe you'll feel more comfortable if you're holding it instead of me?"

  I glanced at the thing again and handed it back with a laugh. "Nope, not really. It could just as easily be a flashlight or a communicator and for all I know it's keyed to you somehow and wouldn't work for me anyway."

  Her eyes widened slightly at that. She said softly, "You're right. It is keyed to me. Even if you knew how it worked you couldn't use it. I thought you might be more at ease with me if I demonstrated that I mean you no harm."

  No, not really, I thought. I nodded and waited, watching her pat Bear.

  Ellen seemed to concentrate for a few moments on Bear's immediate happiness. When he abruptly adjusted his arrangement slightly she flinched just as slightly and pulled her hand back before resuming her light strokings.

  I said, "Not many cats on that boat, huh?"

  Ellen looked up and said, "No. None. I'd seen pictures of them, but this is the first one I've ever actually touched."

  "Are you officially confirming my belief that you're an ET?"

  Ellen was confused. "A what?"

  "An ET. ExtraTerrestrial. Also known as a BEM, short for 'Bug-Eyed Monster'. The term is a hangover from the early days of science fiction. Usually any blonde in those movies was being carried away by one, but it's come to be an all-inclusive slang acronym for interstellar aliens."

  Ellen lifted an eyebrow and said, "Hardly flattering, but yes. We're from other worlds, although two people currently aboard the ship are natives of Earth. They've been with us for years."

  "Good. That probably means I was right about diseases." I grinned. "How do you intend to prove to me that you're an alien?"

  She sounded surprised and mildly defensive as she asked, "Why should I have to prove it? You already believe it."

  I stood up, reached for my Aladdin coffee mug, and said, "Without proof, it's just something I think. I've half-believed other things that turned out not to be true or not altogether true. If you have any reason to want me to truly believe you, you'll have to cough up some proof, ma'am. I'm going to get a fresh coffee. Sure you don't want one?"

  "Oh, uhm... Yes, please. I've had coffee before with a little sugar in it. That would be nice, I think."

  I left her to minister to Bear and went into the kitchen with my mug. One of my ladyfriends had once referred to my mug as a binky. In other times and places I had always carried an extra canteen with coffee in it, but my Army-issue canteens never quite seemed appropriate Stateside, even though it seems nowadays as if every yuppie lugs some kind of a fancy water bottle around.

  When I returned with Ellen's coffee in a stoneware mug and mine in the same plastic, lidded mug, Ellen noted the difference.

  "Do you always use that same cup, even when you're home?"

  "I fix computers and make webpages in peoples' homes and offices. Some people seem to think a rinse is as good as a wash, so I got in the habit of always having my own cup. No reason to dirty another one, even here."

  Ellen looked at her own cup and gave me a wry grin. "A good policy."

  "I'll get you one for your birthday, then, if you'll tell me when and where to send it. In the meantime, be assured that I really wash my dishes. Now, about proof..?"

  Ellen sipped her coffee and then looked at me.

  "What would you consider proof, short of a visit to the ship?"

  "Why short of a visit? I promise not to push any buttons."

  Ellen gave me a wry flicker of a grin. "A visit would require some rather special authorizations. What else would convince you?"

  "No idea. What can you offer? For that matter, why would you offer? I mean, really, why are you here at all? You aren't worried about me mentioning you to the cops, are you? Lots of people around here think they've spotted aliens lately. I'd just be one more nutcase on the books if I said anything to anyone official."

  Ellen thought about things a bit, then said, "The first thing the other two Earth people asked was where we'd come from and why we're as human as anyone from Earth. You haven't. Why?"

  I shrugged. "I'm no astronomer. It wouldn't matter to me which piece
of the sky you pointed to. You're human because you are, just as you'd be anything else if that were the case. I'm more concerned with why you're on Earth and why you, in particular, are sitting in my living room."

  Ellen patted Bear a few more times before answering. "I want to rent a room," she said. "I don't know precisely how long I'll need it."

  "Why you and not Gary? Why not the two of you renting a place? Not that I'd mind having you here, of course. Just curious. Again."

  Ellen let out a sigh that sounded like a precursor to a confession and kept her eyes on her attentions to Bear as she spoke.

  "Only one of us will be assigned to this area and it was decided that I would stand a better chance in negotiations for your assistance."

  I had to laugh. "Well, that was probably a quick and easy decision. Someone must have mentioned that you had a rather positive effect on me."

  She lifted her head and stated, "Gary suggested that I be the one to approach you about local assistances. I could think of no reason not to do so, since you seemed very taken with me. And... There was something about you... I felt very comfortable with you without quite knowing why."

  I laughed again. "Gary was right. 'Very taken with you', huh? I want to show you something. Be right back."

  I went into the front bedroom and retrieved my sketchbook for her.

  "I design most of the things for sale on my WiccaWorks.com website," I told her. "Goblets, tiles, and jewelry, all along one theme line for one audience. Lately I've been working on coming up with a caryatid to use as a goblet stem."

  Ellen seemed to reflect a moment, then said, "A figure of a woman used like a supporting column. I've seen them on some of your ancient buildings."

  "Right, and I recognize your definition as a direct quote from a dictionary. You must have one helluva memory, ma'am."

  "So I'm told." Ellen leafed through the pages and said, "Arms. Legs. Shoulders and necks and faces. Very nice, but what are you showing me, exactly?"

  I grinned and turned to the last third of the sketchbook, where I'd assembled all the sketched body parts into whole women in various positions.

  "I'm showing you you, Ellen. They all have about the same height, weight, carriage, poise, and dignity. I've been trying to draft a perfect woman for my sculpture work and now she's sitting on my couch with my cat. You're her. She's you. You're my vision brought to life."