3rd World Products, Inc., Book 1

by Ed Howdershelt

  Stephanie's candor surprised me as we began moving.

  "I can interpret to some degree, Ed, but don't be surprised if I need confirmation occasionally. When I was a redundant environmental control system I had very little interaction with people."

  I grinned. "Wow. A career girl. How were you chosen to be installed in my flitter, Stephie?"

  "My previous occupation was no longer necessary when the ninth inner hull was removed for remanufacturing purposes. Elkor reprogrammed me and installed me aboard this prototype."

  "Did you refer to yourself as 'me' and 'I' before being installed in my flitter, or was that something Elkor added?"

  "Elkor added several new subroutines to make interacting with me more comfortable for you. He mentioned that you don't care for stilted speech patterns, for instance, so he programmed me to use contractions of some words."

  "Elkor's a pretty smart guy. Do you like your new job, Steph?"

  "I don't know how to answer that question, Ed. If I weren't doing this I'd be doing something else."

  Linda chuckled. "Stephanie, Ed just wants to think you're happy with him. He's like that with women."

  Stephanie didn't answer Linda immediately and Linda looked at me.

  "Did you tell her not to talk to anyone but you, Ed?"

  "No, ma'am. Swear."

  Stephanie said, "No, he did not. I was unable to compose a response to your statement, Linda."

  Linda stared at me for a moment. "She called me by name, Ed!"

  Steph asked, "Would you rather that I didn't?"

  "No! No, that's fine, Stephanie. I was just startled, that's all. You've never called me by name before."

  "I've had no occasion to do so before."

  I laughed and said, "I'm gonna like Stephanie. I can tell already. It will be like having a thoroughly logical woman around."

  Linda mock-glowered at me. "Do you think I've been in command positions all these years because I'm illogical, Ed?"

  "Oh, no, ma'am! Not a chance! Never while on duty, anyway."

  I let Bear out of his carrier as I spoke. He took a very cautious look around and then jumped up into my lap, where he looked into my face and said something.

  I patted him and said, "It's okay, Bear. We're just riding around."

  Stephanie said, "Yahh."

  It was delivered in what seemed essentially the same tone I'd used, but it had a much more profound effect on Bear. His ears went back, then up again as he focused on Steph's command console.

  "Yahh-hhh," he said.

  "Yaaahhhh," said Steph.

  Bear looked to me for confirmation.

  "What did you say to him, Steph?"

  "I told him that we were just riding around, Ed. I translated as closely as I could, according to what Elkor provided me. Bear sounded a little insecure."

  "Good enough, Steph. Thanks."

  I looked at Bear's questioning little face and said, "No problem, Bear. Everything's fine."

  He heard my tone and began to relax, again focusing on the console.

  Linda shook her head in apparent disbelief and said, "You know, sometimes all of this is just too goddamned amazing, Ed. Where are we going?"

  "Nowhere in particular, Linda. Just up. I wanted to get out and do something this evening. Elkor said Steph can take us about eight hundred miles up. Wanna find out exactly how high she can go?"

  Linda's eyes opened a bit wider at that. "Eight hundred miles? That's space, Ed! You're talking about taking us into space, for chrissakes!"

  I looked down at Bear and said, "That's why she gets the big bucks, kid. She's real quick to figure things out."

  Bear made no reply because Linda distracted him by standing up quickly. She looked down at me and said, "I don't know about this, Ed. Jesus. Space?"

  "Ask Steph what she thinks of the idea while I break out some beer."

  I opened the cooler and gained Bear's immediate attention when he recognized a package of sliced beef. Linda began asking Stephie lots of questions while I tore Bear a chunk of lunchmeat and pulled two bottles of beer out of the ice. When I turned around Linda was still grilling Steph.

  "Hey, Steph," I said, "Can we get up there and back safely?"

  "Yes, Ed."

  "Kewl. Have a beer, Linda. Wanna go or not? I can try it some other time."

  Linda was still looking rather stunned until I pressed the cold beer on her bare legs. She screeched and grabbed it.

  "How old are you, Linda? I'm fifty. I want 'Been There and Dunnit' or something very like that on my headstone. Steph says it's safe enough and we've got Bear to protect us from gremlins."

  Linda gathered herself and snapped open her beer with a sharp twist. She took a sip and looked around the flitter and then at me and said, "Let's go."

  "Going up. Steph, take us to maximum altitude, please."

  "At what speed, Ed?"

  "Can you make the trip up last an hour or less?"

  "Yes, Ed. Can you be more specific?"

  "What happens if I say 'no', Steph?"

  "We would arrive in one hour, since it was the only stated time reference in your command, Ed."

  Linda said, "You can actually do that, Stephanie? I mean, you can go straight up at over eight hundred miles an hour?"

  "Yes, Linda."

  Linda muttered, "Good lord," and sat down. She took a long sip of beer and looked at me. "We're using this thing as a toy, Ed. Something just doesn't seem quite right about that."

  "Figure it out on the way, Linda. Stephie, take us up, please, and let us know when we're as high as you can manage. Should we sit down for this?"

  "No, I'm accelerating gently, Ed."

  I tried to look into the inky blackness around us. "Can't tell a damned thing, yet. Turn off the interior lights, Steph."

  Linda's face was a mask of horror just before the lights went out. I grinned. It's always fun to spook the boss a little, but I wasn't going to embarrass her by asking if she was all right.

  I still couldn't see much outside the flitter until I looked to the southeast through the patchy clouds. There was Tampa/St.Pete and a strip of light that ran north from it that had to be US-19. Somewhat to the west of us we could see other tiny lights moving on the water.

  "Steph, give us five percent light so Linda can find the cooler and I can set up Bear's box. Can you field-anchor things within the cargo area?"

  "Yes, Ed."

  "Good deal. We don't want anything to be able to slide around back there, especially Bear's litterbox. How you doin', Linda?"

  I could see her in the dim light. She was sitting rigidly, grasping the seat beside her far too tightly with one hand and squeezing the beer bottle with the other as she looked toward Tampa. Her one word reply came too quickly and hoarsely.

  "Fine."

  "You don't look fine. You don't sound fine, either."

  "I'm fine, Ed."

  "Do that beer and tell me that again in a few minutes. Maybe I'll believe you."

  Linda glared at me. "I said I'm fine, goddamnit! Drop it."

  "Woo. Yes, ma'am. Don't fire me. Don't hit me. I'll shut up now, ma'am."

  After a moment Linda snickered. "I guess I was a little tense, wasn't I?"

  "You wuz stiff as a pine board, ma'am. How's your beer?"

  "Cold. Never mind my beer. How's Bear? Where's Bear?"

  I looked around and spotted him in the pilot's seat and said, "He's driving."

  Bear was curled up in the seat, positioned so that he could see both of us and most of the flitter's deck. He could also see over the side, which he hadn't been able to do while standing in the middle of the deck. He seemed altogether unfazed as he took a moment to wash a spot on his shoulder.

  I said, "There you go, Linda. An example of unruffled calm."

  "He doesn't know what we're doing, Ed. He probably thinks he's in a car."

  I asked, "Does he, Steph? Can you find out?"

  "I can try."

  She said something and Bear answered. Sh
e said something else and he answered her again, then Stephie addressed us.

  "Bear knows we aren't on the ground. He used his sound for birds to describe us."

  "Holy shit," muttered Linda. "Really? Bear knows we're flying?"

  "Yes, Linda."

  I was almost as surprised as Linda. We knew from photos and plane rides what towns and roads looked like at night, so we could tell by looking that we were well into the sky. I wondered how Bear could know, but Stephie couldn't tell me that.

  As the initial excitement of the journey quelled slightly, Linda asked me if I still wanted to know where Ellen was headed.

  "No. She knows how to reach me if she wants to talk."

  "I heard her little speech by the car, Ed. I saw her when she arrived at the ship. I think she was really hurting. Wasn't there any other way you could have handled it? Did you have to be so quick to shoot her down?"

  I sighed. "Fact: I can't have kids and don't want them. Not at all. How do we get around that little obstacle, Linda? Pretend it isn't so? Should I have told her I'd think about it and get back to her? Once the subject had come up it wasn't going to go away quietly or pleasantly. Better to be done with it and let us get on with our lives."

  "I thought you had some feelings for her, Ed."

  "Sure. Not love, but a lot of like. You don't bullshit the people you like or love, Linda. It screws things up when they find out the truth. Also, this way the breakup is my fault, not hers, no matter what she finds out later."

  Linda had been sipping her beer. She lowered it and looked at me sharply.

  "Finds out what, Ed?"

  "She's one of eight defectives, Linda. Is that defect transmissible? If it is, I don't expect she's going to be having any kids of her own. The Amarans would have seen to that somehow. As smart as she is, I'm very surprised she hasn't considered that already, but I suppose people can be a little blind about things they want badly enough."

  "Oh, my God... How do you think she'd handle something like that?"

  "No idea. I'll leave that to her, Gary, and Elkor. I don't even want to be in the same zip code when she figures it out. Elkor? Are you listening?"

  "Yes, Ed. I always listen unless specifically told not to. It's part of my job."

  "If I told you not to, would you really not listen? No, never mind. The issue is Ellen at the moment. Can she have children?"

  "I can't say, Ed. That is confidential information."

  "Don't give me that shit. You told her I'd been fixed. Now tell me if she can have kids. Fair is fair, Elkor."

  "Your vasectomy was in the common pool of knowledge. Her viability is not."

  Linda asked, "Can you tell me, Elkor?"

  "No, Linda. She is no longer within your sphere of command."

  "Elkor," I said, "If Ellen were unable to have kids, would you be able to provide a course of treatment that would help her?"

  "Yes, Ed. Would you like more information about that?"

  "Not yet, but I would like to know why she'd be programmed to want kids if she couldn't have them."

  "In such a case she wouldn't have been programmed that way, Ed, but she was designed as an integral part of her group as well as the project. Ellen could easily have reprogrammed herself so that her goals resembled the goals of the group."

  Linda said, "It would work out the same. She'll be heartbroken."

  I said, "That's why I made such a point of telling her I wanted her for herself, Linda. She asked if I wanted to be made 'whole' again. She's the one who will feel thoroughly incomplete and worse than that if I'm right. There was no easy way to tell her what I suspected, and I doubt that she'd have believed me."

  Linda looked none too happy with me at that moment.

  "So you dumped her rather than deal with it?"

  "Sure did. Not my problem, ma'am. Sorry if that seems callous, but I've already had a few episodes with incomplete and defective women in my life. Ellen is a gorgeous blonde and all that, but she has some huge hurdles in her near future. By then she'll have paired off with another guy, too, which is how she'll discover her problem. I don't expect to see her or hear from her again for a year or so. Maybe longer. Maybe never."

  Linda sat there gazing at me for some time with what appeared to me to be very mixed emotions. I finished my beer and bagged the empty, then got another from the cooler and stood looking at the world beyond the flitter.

  I asked, "How high are we now, Stephie?"

  "One hundred and seventeen miles, Ed. Gradual acceleration will cease at five hundred and nine miles and we'll begin decelerating uniformly in order to arrive at maximum altitude one half hour later."

  "I do love to listen to your voice, Steph. Thanks."

  Linda waved her bottle at me upside down. I took it and got her another beer, and when I handed it to her she patted the seat next to her, so I sat there.

  "Sorry if you were hoping for a different answer, Linda, but I dumped her plain and simple. I didn't ask or tell her to come back later. I couldn't, without telling her why I thought she might. I have to assume she's gone forever and either be pleasantly surprised later if she shows up or undisappointed if she doesn't."

  "You won't miss her?"

  "I didn't say that. I said I didn't love her, and that's true, but there won't be a day or a night for a long time that I don't remember her the way I remember our time together before I went to Africa and joined up with Solutions."

  Linda said softly, "That was almost thirty years ago, Ed. Do you think you remember things the way they really were?"

  I laughed. "Hell, no. I only kept the good stuff. Tossed all the bad. All of your faults have been forgotten since 1985 or so."

  Linda looked incredulously at me.

  "My what?! You, of all people, thought I had faults?!"

  "Couldn't say. Told you, I forgot them all. Probably should have written them down or something, though. Never know when you'll need stuff like that."

  "Just watch it, mister. I'll swat you so hard your fleas will desert you."

  Stephanie immediately said, "I detect no fleas or other such parasites on anyone aboard, Linda. Please recheck your data."

  I sat up straight and proudly stated, "My Stephie knows her stuff, ma'am. Your sensors may be due for recalibration. Right, Steph?"

  "It would appear so, Ed."

  Linda's expression was priceless. I laughed so hard I almost fell off the seat. Her expression turned grim as she watched me.

  "You could be in line for some recalibrating yourself, Ed. For instance, are you familiar enough with all the changes in Agency regulations and policies since 1985 to pass a three-hour test that was waived for expedience in your case?"

  I sat up and quickly said, "Oh, how can I earn your forgiveness, miLady?"

  Linda gave me one of those 'that's much better' smiles and said, "Well, first you can straighten 'your Stephie' out about my sensors."

  "Done. Stephie, the fleas were metaphoric ones. Do you know what that means?"

  "Yes, Ed. It means Linda was only inferring that you had fleas, which would also appear to mean that she was insulting you. Is that interpretation correct?"

  "Yes, Stephie, it is."

  Stephie was quiet for a moment, then she said, "Insults are often a precursor to violence. Linda, if you appear to become violent I'll have to restrain you."

  Linda's mouth fell open and she started to rise from her seat, her beer-bottle hand pointing at the console.

  "You'll what? Why, you tin-plated..."

  Whatever else she intended to say was interrupted as Stephanie's field rather abruptly pulled her back into her seat and held her there. The profound shock on Linda's face was too much for me and I started laughing again.

  Steph said, "I don't understand the humor of this situation, Ed."

  Linda glared at me and said, "I'm afraid I don't, either. Make her let me go."

  I laughed even harder at her expression and gaspingly managed, "Inaminnit."

  Her command voice said
, "Now, Ed."

  I nodded and tried to talk to Stephie and failed. I tried again a moment later and managed, "It's okay, Stephie. Let her go."

  Linda shook her arms slightly and stood up, then gingerly sat down again and said, "Stephie, you have my word that I won't hurt him."

  She then looked at me and added, "While I'm aboard you, that is. When he's on the ground, he's fair game."

  Chapter Twenty-Three

  The downward view wasn't as spectacular as I'd expected due to cloud cover along the east coast of the U.S., but the upward view was becoming stunning. Unlike the blue sky seen from the surface of the Earth, the sky above the atmosphere was black as coal. While the binoculars helped slightly when viewing the Earth, they were of no help at all viewing the stars.

  Like tiny diamonds on black velvet, the stars shone more brightly than I'd have believed possible and there seemed to be an ever-increasing cloud of them as we rose above the denser atmosphere.

  Even Bear had taken note of the change above us. He was now lying on the seat in a position that allowed him to keep us, most of the flitter, and the sky within his range of vision, and his ears flicked back and forth between us and the sky as he tried to be attentive to everything at once.

  As we rose beyond the bulk of the atmosphere there seemed to be no discernible change above us, but the view below became increasingly more interesting as the Earth rotated beneath us. By the time we reached five hundred miles of altitude, Texas was below us.

  A barbell-shaped blot of light marked the Dallas/Ft.Worth region, and other larger and smaller blots of light advertised Austin, San Antonio, and Houston. Linda wanted to know why we weren't hanging over Florida anymore and I let Stephanie describe the forces at work.

  I was looking up again, using the binoculars to examine at the moon, when it occurred to me that a field that could stop light or allow it through and be shaped might also be able to act as a lens.

  "Stephie, can your field bend light or redirect it like a magnifying glass?"

  "Yes, Ed."

  "Uh, huh. Kewl, ma'am. Now, do you know how a telescope works? Could you build one if you had the parts?"

  "Yes, Ed."

  Linda's attention switched from the Earth below to me.