3rd World Products, Inc., Book 1

by Ed Howdershelt

  He gave me a wry smile. "Yes. She definitely was pissed. I don't fully understand why, since you don't desire fatherhood and other men are available, but she's still pissed."

  "It's called 'not getting your own way', Gary. I'd been incorporated into her agenda and she'd spent a lot of time and emotion on me before she found out about my vasectomy. To her, that was just a little problem Elkor could fix in no time. To me, it wasn't. Tell Ellen that I'm in agony over this and that I dream about her and miss her terribly. Maybe that will make her feel better. No, wait. If you tell her that she'll think she might change my mind about kids."

  Gary laughed softly and said, "Maybe I shouldn't tell her anything, Ed."

  I nodded. "Yeah. Good enough."

  The .357 didn't take long to clean. I reloaded it and put it in its holster, then cleaned up the area and took the soiled newspapers out to the trash. When I came back in, Bear had climbed aboard Gary's lap for some attention. I stopped by the fridge for a Dr. Pepper and put the guns away, then sat on the couch again.

  I watched him scuffle Bear's chins and stroke him for what seemed like quite a while before, without looking up, he asked, "So what now? What are you going to do about Linda?"

  "Is she listening to us, Gary?"

  "No. I turned my watch off when I came in."

  I nodded. It didn't really matter, anyway.

  "Well, then, not a damned thing, Gary. This is Linda's demon. She let me see her truly frightened of something for the first time since I've known her. I told her that everybody has something they fear, but that didn't seem to help much. Her ego has to heal itself before she can face me comfortably again, I guess. Gary, I've seen people scared before. I've been damned scared myself, at times. Things that don't get to one person will petrify another. No biggie. Maybe she'd have been less frightened if she'd been in control of the flitter. She doesn't seem to realize that I just don't give a damn about it."

  "Maybe if she heard you say that..?"

  "Your watch may be off, but I've no damned doubt you're recording all this. Play it back for her later, Gary. I'm telling you that the meaninglessness of it has to occur to her. Nothing I say will make a damned bit of difference until it does."

  Gary ruffled Bear for another moment, then said, "You could try."

  "Been there. Dunnit. A reporter in Africa messed his pants because of a bullet's near miss. He wouldn't come out of his room for a while afterward. Only the fact that the next day's field commander was a woman made him decide to continue with us. It would have been more embarrassing for him if he hadn't gone out with us again. The same kind of thing has happened other times in other places to other people. You can say anything to try to help them through it, but until they come to terms with their embarrassment, you're wasting your time."

  Gary looked thoughtful. "Are you so certain that you're right, Ed?"

  "Certain enough to re-retire and take Stephie on a tour of Europe rather than wait for Linda to realize she's human, after all."

  "Stephie? Oh, yes, your flitter."

  I grinned. "Oh, yes, indeed, my flitter. You really ought to get one of those, Gary. Stephie makes those flying boxcars you've been driving seem boring."

  Gary laughed and said, "Some of us have things to do, Ed. It will be at least another year before I can take a whole week off conveniently. Maybe I'll see about getting one then."

  "Uh, huh. Tell you what, Gary. Don't wait. Do it before there's a waiting list."

  Gary's watch beeped four times. He glanced at me and put a finger to his lips, then tapped it.

  Linda said, "Gary, when you get a few minutes, I need to get with you about moving some of my stuff off the ship. I know we have a month, yet, but..."

  Bear heard Linda's voice and said, "Yahhh."

  Gary made an 'Oh, geez!' sort of face.

  There was silence for a few moments, then Linda said, "Hello, Bear. Gary, it can wait. Call me back when you're free."

  "Okay," said Gary. When Linda said no more, he turned his watch back off.

  I looked at Gary to try to determine if what I was seeing on his face was real anguish at being caught.

  "She didn't really know you were coming here, Gary?"

  "No."

  "Did you know what had happened during our flitter ride?"

  "No, not exactly. I was hoping you'd tell me."

  "Well, I guess I did that. She'll assume I did, too, and assume I told you more than I have. You may find yourself in my position shortly, Gary. What then? You still have to work with her."

  Gary gave me a wry grin. "I'll manage."

  I nodded. "Do you want to take the watch and PDA with you?"

  He shook his head. "No. That isn't why I came. I'd like to ask you to defer any permanent decisions, Ed. Let this problem sit a while. Maybe it will work out."

  I nodded again. "Okay. The watch can stay in the fridge for a week."

  "A week?"

  "A week is what she has to work with. She'll becomes a girlfriend, a boss, or the same kind of old friend she was before this project started. A fond memory. She knows where to find me."

  "I see. Well, I guess I'd better be going."

  Gary took another moment with Bear, then put him down and stood up. He looked around the room for a moment and said, "Ellen really liked it here."

  He turned as we headed for the door and added, "And so did I. Thanks."

  As we shook hands, I said, "You were good company. Both of you. When Ellen gets past her snit, why don't you bring her by sometime? We'll make her new hubby do all the cooking on the outdoor grill."

  After Gary left I set the answering machine for four rings and replaced the anti-call plug with the phone's line, then recorded a new answering message:

  "Hi, there! I'm probably sitting right here waiting to see if this is just another one of those too-damned-many sales calls, so leave a message at the beep. If you're a sales person, leave your private, home number and a time when you'll be in the shower or eating dinner so I can return your call appropriately."

  I took the PDA out of the briefcase and had a look at the screen. Smaller icons had been added to the sidebar menu in the shapes of the new ports. When I touched each icon, a drop-down window displayed its properties and functions. Elkor had apparently intended them to be similar to what I was used to on my own computer.

  I touched the disk icon and was presented with a choice of 'Internal' and 'Floppy'. Tapping the internal drive's icon split the screen and presented me with another set of icons in a box frame.

  "Elkor, we're down to individual information systems, here, and I'm not fond of vague icons as a whole. How do I change these icons to descriptive text?"

  As I watched, they changed. One was marked, 'Stephanie/Flitter'. I tapped it as Elkor asked, "Is this better, Ed?"

  "Much. Thanks, Elkor."

  A titled document appeared on the screen, and from there it was just a matter of tapping the highlighted links to specifics that interested me. Of immediate interest were Stephanie's capabilities. I tapped the 'specifications' link and was presented first with diagrams and data concerning her structure.

  I tapped on the word 'summary' and was rewarded with a list I could use. Stephie's ceiling, top speed, ranges of field densities, and defensive capabilities took up several screens by themselves, and more info was offered via embedded links. The 'maneuverability' link offered a graphic display. I tapped it.

  For several minutes I tapped one after the other of Stephie's preprogrammed maneuvers. Each was displayed on a grid with a miniature flitter that at first zipped through the motions so quickly I couldn't follow them. The speed zoom helped a lot. Slowing the animation to one-third speed allowed me to understand what was being done by the cursor-sized flitter on the screen.

  Stephanie could apparently change direction nearly instantly. Up, down, sideways, or any variation of combination thereof was no problem, even at her best speed, which was thirty-four hundred miles per hour.

  I blinked and rerea
d the number. It was a three, a four, and two zeros. That was basically Miami to Seattle in less than an hour! Ho-ly shit!

  I put my finger on the number and asked, "Elkor, is this a typo?"

  "No, Ed."

  "The commercial flitters aren't going to be able to do this stuff, are they?"

  "No, Ed. They'll be limited to one thousand miles per hour and the more gradual course changes experienced in atmospheric aircraft, partially to make them more marketable. There will be other changes, as well, such as a fifty-thousand foot ceiling and fields capable only of shaping themselves for least resistance in flight, insulating and pressurizing the canopy, and preventing collisions. They will not be able to focus ambient energy and particulate matter as Stephanie can. That facility was judged too dangerous by the design committee."

  "I'll bet. They were probably worried that someone would bypass protocols and find a way to use it as a weapon."

  "Those were almost the exact words of the committee member from Idaho."

  I read on for a bit, but eventually I tapped the PDA off and said, "Elkor, I think I'll learn best by doing from here. The numbers are beginning to mean less and less to me. I'll take Stephie up to around six hundred and let her show me what she can do. She probably needs a pilot about as much as I need a dog, anyway."

  Elkor said, "That might, indeed, be the best way to learn, Ed. Should I infer that you don't like dogs, either?"

  "Some are okay, I guess, but they rip up lawns and make messes and useless noise the same way kids do. I once kept an Akita for a friend, though, and that dog seemed pretty smart. When he first arrived, I asked him if he understood that he was only a ten minute drive from a kennel. He barked once, and not loudly at all. He found himself a bunk on a spot of carpet and only barked to let me know someone was outside. If he wanted out, he knew how to operate a screen door handle and he never tried to go out the front. When Chuck got out of the hospital, Binky stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on my shoulders - he was big enough to do that - and barked once the way he had when he arrived. I didn't know if he was saying 'thanks' or 'fuck you'."

  "I trust you responded graciously, Ed?"

  "You do have a sense of humor, don't you, Elkor? You're just not allowed to admit it to anyone, right? Yeah, I patted the godzilla dog and said, 'See ya, Binky. You've been a good guest for a dog.' Funny thing was, I guess I meant it. Most of the time I forgot he was there. I'm sure Bear never forgot for an instant, but Binky never bothered him at all. Ignored him completely. I'd thought that Binky might have to stay outside in the yard, but his reaction to Bear was only something like 'Oh, I see you have a cat,' when I introduced them through the glass doors. Bear settled down after a while and they seemed to come to an understanding."

  "Still, didn't you feel as if you were taking a chance?"

  "Sure. I cracked the door so they could sniff each other a bit, but I had a stick in the track to make sure Binky couldn't open the door any farther, and I made sure Binky knew that Bear was mine by showing Bear lots of attention at the door and letting Binky sniff my hand after all the petting of Bear. He got the message."

  "Why did you expose them to each other at all, Ed?"

  "Accidents happen, Elkor, and Binky was a big dog. I couldn't leave the stick in the door track all the time, and Binky was smart enough to let himself into the house if I'd forgotten it even once. He was going to be at the house for a week. That's too long to take chances with doors. If Binky had shown any aggression at all, he'd have been in a kennel a few minutes later."

  "How did you become Binky's keeper?"

  "Chuck and his wife were in a car accident. Her mom came over from Orlando to sit with their kids, but she was deathly afraid of dogs. It was a decision made in a hurry in an emergency room. Who is the flitter-marketing honcho, Elkor?"

  "Mrs. Denise Michaelson shares that position with Mr. Robert Preston. Their offices are located in Miami, Florida."

  "Do they have PDA's or pads?"

  "Yes, they have PDA's. Would you like me to see if they're available?"

  "Sure would. Thanks, Elkor."

  Moments later a woman's voice was briskly asking, "How may I help you?"

  No company name, no preamble or unctuously formal greetings.

  I said, "This is Ed..."

  The woman's voice was honey-coated steel. She'd have sounded delectable if it hadn't been for the barely-concealed edge in her tone as she interrupted me.

  "Elkor told me who you are. How may I help you?"

  Well, zap, y'all! Skip the pleasantries with this one.

  "I just want to know how soon personal flitters will be available."

  "We're not releasing that information at the moment, sir."

  "Tell me anyway. I have one and I want to use it, which means landing and taking off in my driveway in broad daylight. I'm trying not to rock your boat, here, ma'am, so let me know how soon I can fly it or I'll just have to guess."

  "Where did you get a flit...? Never mind. It can't be a production model unless you're with the government, and if you were, you wouldn't be asking me this. You must have one of the prototypes."

  "So they're already being issued for government use?"

  She ignored my question and asked Elkor if my security clearance and need to know was high enough. Elkor said my security clearance was adequate and that he was unable to properly judge my need to know.

  "Mr. Howdershelt," she said, "Very limited public sales are two months away at the earliest. We're making a slightly enhanced version available for police and government use first. You should be seeing them on the nightly news by the end of the week. If you fly yours openly after that time you should be prepared to identify yourself as a government employee until such time as public sales commence. Does that answer your question well enough?"

  "Sure does. I'm surprised as well as grateful for the info, ma'am."

  There was a moment's pause.

  In a lower tone, she asked, "Surprised? That sounds like an insult."

  "Nope. Not at all. When you answered I figured I'd called at a bad time, but I had you on the line, so I asked anyway. Thanks for the info. I'll try to contain my urges until I see flitters on the news."

  "Mr. Howdershelt," she said, "Do you know who you're talking to?"

  "Yes? No? The woman who knows when I can fly in the daytime?"

  "I didn't think you did. You will soon, though. I do not like the casual use of such phrases as 'contain-my-urges'. If we should ever speak again..."

  "Don't you worry, ma'am. I'll do my damnedest to avoid that, 'cause I don't like humorless, stuffed-shirt, PC people. That, by the way, wasn't an insult, either. It was just an observation. See ya. Thanks again. Do you want to hang up first?"

  She must have.

  Elkor said, "She's no longer in contact, Ed."

  "Good enough. She told me what I wanted to know."

  Ten minutes later Elkor told me Linda wanted to speak with me and that she sounded angry. I decided to break my own rule and answer through the pad.

  "Hello, Linda. This is an official call, I hope?"

  "You bet your ass it is, Ed. You just managed to insult a woman who happens make half a million a year and is the second chair in what will be the biggest corporation in America by next month."

  "Well, now and then I catch a big one. Where are you going with this, Linda? Am I fired? Can I turn in my secret decoder ring and code book now, or would that not please your royal highness's fancy?"

  "By God, I'd love it if I could fire you. I'll be out there with your paperwork this evening, Ed. Sign it and I'll send it up the line. That's all."

  I heard an abruptly-truncated 'slam' as her pad hit the desk.

  "Elkor, Linda's no longer in contact, either, right?"

  "That's correct, Ed."

  "That's two for two. Wanna go to the pub for a while?"

  "Linda said she was coming to the house, Ed."

  "That's right. She said she was coming. She didn't ask if I'd be
here to meet and greet her. Anyway, I told Gary I'd wait a week on the signoff. I'll leave her a note, how's that?"

  "That might be a good idea, Ed."

  The note I magnet-stripped to the door said, "Linda, sorry I missed you. Had to go to the pub. Use your key, put stuff on table. Ed."

  Elkor said, "She has no such key, Ed."

  "So I should tell anyone who walks up that the door's open?"

  "I see. A minor subterfuge. Interesting."

  Chapter Twenty-Seven

  I don't usually show up at the pub before six and Susie knows that. She was mildly surprised to see me and curious about my briefcase.

  "Couldn't leave it in the heat," I said. "There's some plastic stuff in it. I just wanted to get out of the house for a while and have a look at you, ma'am."

  Susie was wearing her 'cheerleader' outfit. It consisted of white socks and tennis shoes, what was once a real blue and gold cheerleader skirt, and a cut off, low-necked t-shirt top that had been painted to match the skirt. She'd cut the shirt away an inch or so below her boobs for maximum tip-getting effect.

  "Stunning outfit, Susie, as always."

  "I'm the reason half these guys come here, y'know. Have to keep up appearances and all that. Ice House or iced coffee?"

  "It's nearly five. Make it an Ice House."

  She nodded and walked to the cooler in a gait that made the skirt flip deliciously, then turned to look over her shoulder at me with a 'gotcha' grin. Poor, shy little Susie. When she got back with my beer, she held it in front of her.

  "New trick," she said. "Watch this."

  Susie put the rubber gripper over the top of my beer and gave it a quick snap that made her breasts wobble wildly under the t-shirt.

  As she set my beer down, she asked, "Well? What do you think? Will it make some of them switch to bottled beer?"

  "Well, as you know, I'm a leg man, but I was certainly impressed. Are you a frustrated exotic dancer, Susie? Won't your husband let you dance at clubs?"

  She grinned and said, "As if! I don't want to dance at clubs, Ed. There's too much competition ready to show more that I want to in clubs. Here, I'm the star of the show. Hell, I am the show, and I get all the tips."