Live In Position

by Sadie Grubor

  "I knew it!" Her beaming face snapped up to mine and she clapped her hands.

  "Wait, what?" I slid into the familiar kitchen chair completely confused.

  "I was suspicious with all the bathroom time and you eating like you haven't for a year. Plus you're glowing." She placed a hand on top of mine.

  "So you tricked me into confessing?" I was shocked at her tactics.

  She shrugged. "I do what I have to do." She smirked and sipped her coffee.

  "I can't believe you," I fought not to smile, but it was too funny.

  "Oh, you can have coffee, its decaf." She smiled larger. My mouth was agape at her admission. She was definitely a mastermind.

  Carla coaxed me into telling her what was going on, and I had to admit it felt good to talk to someone who wasn't involved in my Seattle life. She listened, nodded, agreed, and disagreed, but mostly she was comforting.

  "I think you did the right thing coming home. You need to think about all of this and figure out what you want." She stood and took our mugs to the sink.

  "So, you don't think I'm running away?" I bit my lip.

  "Perhaps a little, but I understand why. You're scared. This is a lot to deal with and all at once, though I'm biased about the baby." She smiled brightly. "I cannot wait till that little bundle gets here." Carla almost squealed. I laughed, but it wasn't whole hearted.

  "Listen Sophia, I know I'm not your mother, but I'm here for you; forever." Her hand settled on my shoulder. I burst into tears and wrapped my arms around her waist. From that moment, Carla was more than a step-mother.

  I spent the rest of the day watching chic flicks with Carla. We laughed during Bridget Jones' Diary, cried during Beaches, and did a little of both during Breakfast at Tiffany's. The afternoon was relaxing and I didn't have to think about a thing.

  The next morning I woke up with instant thoughts about Victoria. Though I called Will every day to make sure she was doing okay, last night he had acted strange when I talked with him. I was getting the feeling she wasn't okay and it hurt so much to be the cause.

  I dressed quickly and warmly before climbing into my father's old truck and driving to the boat docks. It was still early, but most of the fishing boats had already left for their day of work on the ocean. I shivered at the thought of being on the water in this cold weather; however, it didn't stop me from walking around the docks and looking out into the water.

  Victoria was sad and suffering because of me. I left to clear my head and figure out what I wanted, but still hadn't come up with a damn thing. The questions still swirled through my mind on replay.

  Did I want to leave Seattle? No. Could I accept leaving Victoria? Never. Could I really give up and walk away from Collin? Not at all. Did I think getting married in a few months was a good idea? God, no. There was still so much to work out, so much to discuss and work on. I couldn't willingly enter marriage with these issues lingering over us. Unable to take the cold weather any longer, I climbed into the truck and drove back to my childhood home.

  My father was home that evening. For old time's sake, I challenged him to some poker. We used to play cards on his boat, during winter months, and especially on holidays when we were home all day together.

  With two bags of chips and large glasses of Pepsi, the game was on. Carla laughed at our banter and taunts throughout the different hands we played. Eventually I had her sit with me, trying to teach her how to play and beat my dad.

  That night I went to bed full of sweet and salty treats. This morning I woke up having to pee so badly I was actually considering just squatting over the garbage can in the bedroom. It was closer. My other issue, I was swollen. The engagement ring Collin had given me was so tight I thought my finger would turn purple. I finally got the ring off when I entered the kitchen. I sighed in relief.

  "You really should pick up a baby book and start reading." Carla laughed. "You would know not to eat so much salty stuff." She shook her head and sat eggs and toast on the table.

  "You're probably right." I set the ring down on the table. She picked it up and whistled. "It's probably a sign I should give it back." My poor joke didn't make Carla laugh, she scowled at me.

  "Don't go making drastic decisions without talking to the man first," she quipped and set the ring on the table. "Here," she took a gold chain from her neck and slipped the ring onto it. "This way you won't lose it, but you won't cut off the circulation to your finger. Drink a lot of water to get the swelling down." She handed over the necklace to me.

  "Thanks," I spoke around a mouthful of eggs. "I'll give it back once I can get the ring back on." I slipped the necklace over my head.

  "I trust you." She winked at me and turned back to the stove.

  After showering and getting dressed, once again I took out my dad's truck. I drove around town, stopping here and there to reminisce about childhood and my life. It wasn't long before I found myself at the docks again. I was aimlessly walking around when a rope hit me in the head.

  "What the –"

  "I'm so sorry," a deep husky voice called out. "I didn't realize anyone was out there."

  Over the side of a large docked sailboat came a dark haired man. His smile was so bright and infectious. I had to smile back.

  "It's alright," I rubbed my head. I started to walk away.

  "You really shouldn't walk the docs in this cold weather. You could fall in." He hopped down from the boat and stepped toward me."

  "I-I'll be fine." The sight of this large man coming toward me began to make me nervous. He was so tall. I barely reached his shoulder. When he stopped a decent amount of steps between us, I relaxed.

  "Honestly, the water freezes easily on these boards, so be careful." He smiled again.

  "I will." I turned and continued to walk away.

  When I slipped a little on a patch of ice my face flushed red and I turned back. He was laughing at me.

  "Shut up," I laughed and turned back. "Okay, so it's not so safe," I stated as I walked by him chuckling. We were both laughing when I took the last step off the dock. A throat cleared drawing my attention. My smile fell from my face.

  "Sophia," Collin spoke, but all I could see was his frazzled and disheveled appearance.

  "Collin," I tried to speak, but only air came out.

  He took a step forward, testing my reaction. When I stayed in my spot, he closed the distance and wrapped me in his arms. The embrace felt so good and familiar I put my arms around him.

  "I've missed you so much," he squeezed harder.

  "Collin," I gasped, "hard to breath." He pulled away.

  "I apologize," he took my hands in his and rubbed his thumb over my fingers. He paused and confusion filled both our faces. His eyes dropped to my hand. "You aren't wearing your ring?" The words were choked out in sadness and anger. Before I could respond, he reacted.

  "I guess you've made your decision."

  He brought his head up and looked over my shoulder. I glanced behind me and saw the dark haired man working on his boat. Turning back to Collin, I could easily read his assumption.

  "Are you kidding me?" I was taken aback by his insinuation.

  "I can only assume. You left and haven't come back." The muscles of his jaw were tight and it was clear he was fighting for control.

  "Yes, I left, but that didn't mean I wasn't coming back. I needed time to think." Tears formed in my eyes.

  "And with the lack of your ring, I'm guessing you've made some decisions." He spat out, a single tear escaped his eye. I pulled my hands from his.

  "Yes, I have." I quipped angrily and stomped around him toward my dad's truck.

  "Sophia," his tone was warning. I spun around and jumped with how close he was behind me. "Don't just walk away. Where is your ring?" A sea of rage and sadness battled in his eyes.

  I yanked the gold chain out from under my shirt. His eyes focused in on the ring.

  "It's right here," I spat.

  "But why –?"

  "I'm swollen Collin." An
d before he could get another word or question out I finished. "It's something that happens to a pregnant woman." I turned back to the truck, climbed in and revved the engine.

  Punching the gas pedal, I reversed and sped out of the parking area. Gravel sprayed from under my tires and I could hear small clinks against metal. I only hoped to have hit his car with some of them. Pulling up to my father's house, I got out of the car trying to wipe away the tear streaks from my face.

  "Mommy!" Victoria's voice made my stomach flip and warm tingles spread through my body. We ran toward each other and I scooped her up in my arms. "Why are you crying?"

  I set her back on her feet and smiled down to her, "Because I'm so happy to see you." I kissed the top of her head,

  "I've missed you so much," she wrapped her arms around my legs. My anger and frustration with Collin melted away.

  The sound of tires screeching to a stop pulled both of our attention toward Collin's car. His movements were fast as he emerged from the car, slamming the door, and approaching our reunion. My muscles tensed and my back straightened.

  "Sophia?" The regretful sound of his voice caused my muscles to loosen. "I'm sorry," he stood a couple of inches from me. "I just, I thought you were leaving us for good and –"

  "You're leaving us?" Victoria gasped.

  "No, of course not." I reassure her with another kiss to her head.

  "Are you coming home?" She pressed further.

  "Of course I am." I cupped her face. She smiled.

  "Is it true?" Collin's voice broke the smile Victoria and I were sharing. We looked to his distraught face. I turned back to Victoria.

  "Victoria, why don't you get inside before you freeze?"

  "Will you be in soon?"

  "Yes," I smiled as she ran off and through the door. Once it was closed I turned back to Collin, who had come closer to me.

  "Can you watch what you say in front of her and try thinking of someone besides yourself?"

  "Is it true?" His eyes searched my face. I crossed my arms over my chest.

  "Yes, I'm pregnant, but that doesn't mean –"

  "No," he shook his head, "you're not leaving us, you're coming back?" His eyes softened.

  "Of course I'm coming back." I dropped my arms. "Collin, I love you and Victoria. I just needed to breath, get some space, and figure out how to handle this rift we've created."

  He didn't say a word. Before I could say anything else, we were wrapped in an embrace. His lips pressed against the side of my head, over my cheek, until his path stopped on my lips. Pulling back he pressed his forehead to mine.

  "We're having a baby?"

  I nodded. He kissed me again only this time it was deeper.

  Before I could get carried away in the passion mounting between our connected lips, I pulled back and looked up into his face.

  "I'm coming home, but I don't think we should get married."

  His smiled morphed into confusion.

  "But…so you don't want to marry me?"

  I sighed. "Collin, we can't agree to marry until we work everything out."

  "But we're having a baby. We are getting married. Sophia, I want to be married before the child comes. I want you to be my wife when this child," his hand splayed across my stomach, "comes into the world."

  Covering his hand with both of mine I smiled. "I want my book career, and that means traveling. I won't fight with you every time I need to be away."

  "It's solved," he shrugged with a smirk. I pursed my lips at him in disbelief.

  "Just because you say that, doesn't make it true."

  "Sophia, I don't ever want to treat you or Victoria the way I did in New York. I love you too much to lose you the way I did." Tears slipped over his cheeks.

  "You didn't lose me."

  He shook his head.

  "Yes, I did. You ran home to get away from me." I opened my mouth but he stopped me. "I get it and have realized the difference. This time when you left, there was really a chance you wouldn't come back. It was so different from the traveling you did for work. I was a fool and idiot."

  "That still doesn't solve my traveling and your insecurity with it."

  "I'll just come with you." He smiled.

  "And when you can't? When we have to be apart, then what?"

  He sighed heavily. "I may be a grouch about it, but I will have to learn to deal with it. Like I told you, I know, now, what it's like for you to leave and truly not be coming back."

  "I was coming back." I cupped his face and wiped away the left over tears.

  "But I didn't think you were. This was different. It was devastating."

  I kissed him. I kissed him with all the reassurance I could produce.

  Two days later we were back in Seattle. Before we left Tacoma Collin agreed we needed to sit and talk about everything when we got home. Things were better, but there was still so much to deal with. Victoria was staying with Larissa so Collin and I could have our discussion tonight.

  Dinner was finished and I was setting it out when Collin stepped into the room. My hormones were raging more and more with each passing day, and his intense good looks didn't help the matter. So when he walked into the room in a simple ensemble of jeans and an old gray college t-shirt I had to bite back the desire firing up inside of me. It wasn't until the middle of dinner our discussion finally moved beyond pleasantries and social discussion.

  "So, you still feel we shouldn't get married," he hadn't really asked as a question, but I knew it was.

  "I don't think it's the right time." I sat back into the lacquered mahogany chair and met his gaze.

  "I want to marry you. Please, Sophia, think of our child."

  "That's one of the many things I am thinking of." I countered. He sighed.

  "We've already discussed your traveling. I will have to work at it, but I know it can be much better going forward." He leaned his elbows onto the dinner table.

  "What about your control issues?" I raised one eyebrow at him.

  "I don't try to control you," he protested.

  "Oh?" I gave a half grin and a shake of my head. "Remember the truck, moving my room?"

  "Those are in the past," he waved it off and set back in the chair at the head of the table.

  "You don't think that demanding things from me or getting furious when I make a decision isn't controlling. Do you even realize how much it hurt to have you throw in my face that I wasn't Victoria's mother?"

  He grimaced at my words.

  "It crushed me and hurt her too. You got angry and threw it in my face because you didn't have control of the situation. Then there was the night we were arguing in the kitchen and you brushed me off like a child, 'until I wasn't so defensive'. If I dismissed you like that, you would lose it." His head dropped and his eyes closed.

  "I'm not used to being any other way." He barely said the words loud enough for me to hear. "But," his eyes came up and met mine, "I want to change for you."

  When he pushed back from the table I sat up straighter. The moment he was on his knees in front of me I leaned back into the chair.

  "I know how much you've compromised to be with me, how much you've taken and taken with amazing grace." He smiled sweetly. "It's my turn to do that for you. I love you Sophia Ashwood. Please, please do me the honor of becoming Sophia Bishop?"

  The smell of his shaving cream wafted into my nostrils and made my body tingle. His hands on my knees were sending hot waves between my legs. As I tried to focus and respond to him, my imagination ran wild with thoughts of me and him on the dining room table.

  "I…you…" My mind was spinning, but telling me to stay firm. My heart was turning to a mushy pile of goo and telling my head to 'shut it'. "There is still so…I don't want to be fat bride," I blurted and then started to laugh.

  "Is that a yes?" His crooked smile was the last straw.

  Nodding I leaned down and captured his mouth with mine. His hands slid over my thighs to my hips. He pulled me to the edge of the chair, breaking our k
iss. The warmth of his lips lingered on my skin as he trailed a path down my chest and over my collar bone.

  "That's how I should have proposed to you." He mumbled against my skin.

  I fisted the hair at the back of his neck and pressed my open mouth to his. We kissed passionately and our hands roamed the other's body. My fantasy of dining room table sex was coming true.

  Collin sat naked in a dining room chair while I was snuggled against his chest, straddling his lap. Our breathing had calmed, but the chaos of our tossed clothing still littered the floor. I pressed my lips to his pectoral muscle and hummed in contentment.

  "So, you don't want to be a fat bride huh?" I felt his chest shaking with his silent laughter.

  "Why would I want to put on a wedding dress with a stomach the size of a globe?" I brought my head up to look at him as we spoke.

  "But you aren't opposed to marrying me?" I shrugged and he tickled my sides.

  "No, I'm not." I laughed out.

  "Marry me in two weeks?" The longing and excitement mixing in his emerald eyes was so endearing.

  "You're insane." Pushing to climb from his lap and get dressed, he pulled me back down.

  "I'm serious. If I can arrange it, will you do it?" His eyes searched my face.

  "No," I shook my head.

  "Why?" His brow furrowed.

  "It's too soon. We just talked everything over and –"

  "Do you want to leave me?"

  "Of course not, but –"

  "Do you believe I won't change or you're just worried I can't?"

  "I, uh, I don't know." I dropped my face.

  "Answer me." His soft words were matched by the softness of his touch. He brought my face back up to look at him.

  "Yes, I'm worried, but I'm worried it will be too hard for you and you won't want to do it anymore." The honesty poured from my lips like smooth malt liquor. He smiled.

  "There is nothing I could want more than to be with you. You know that right?" I bit my lip and nodded. "Okay, then marry me."

  "Collin," I groaned and attempted to get up again.

  "Sophia," he imitated me. I smacked his chest playfully. He grabbed my hands and held them to his chest. "I love you and will never risk hurting or losing you again. Marry me?"

  "Okay."