by Janie Marie
“I know that,” David said and finally turned his head to glare at his brother-in-law. “What is happening in her mind?”
With a sigh, Arthur told him, “She is trapped in some sort of psychosis. She doesn’t know what is real because her memories are so vivid and painful. I think, from what you have been thinking about from last night, she has been seeing her past as though it is present. She’s somewhat aware that shouldn’t be true, and she tried to fight it, but Jason—”
David growled and looked back at the door. “Is she still stuck? Does she know what’s happening now?”
“Sometimes, but she’s dragged back into memories; she cannot stop them. They are more powerful than I have ever witnessed them in her mind. Before she was able to hide away. Now, she’s practically paralyzed inside her own mind, forced to watch them.”
“Brother, tell me I haven’t lost her,” he said, squeezing his eyes shut.
Before Arthur could answer, Bedivere came out of the bathroom.
David opened his eyes and walked forward. “Can I see her?”
Bedivere was already nodding. “Yes, but let me prepare you. I don’t really understand all that happened, but I assume it was more to the fact that she feels committed to you as well as Death. I am sure you hear her occasionally mumbling ‘Not David.’?”
His heart tore. “She doesn’t want me?”
“That’s not what she means,” Bedivere said sadly.
Arthur sighed behind David. “She thought it was you with her, brother. She thought he was you.”
David was pushing past Bedivere before Arthur could say more. As soon as he was inside, he hesitated. Jane was on the floor, a towel loosely wrapped around her, staring up at the ceiling as Guinevere ran her fingers through her wet hair.
“Baby,” he said, walking closer.
“Not David.” Her face scrunched up in fear for a few seconds before going blank.
Bedivere walked past him and knelt beside Guinevere. “Jane, David is here now.”
“Not David.” Her voice cracked and a tear slid into her hair.
David dropped to his knees and held his shaking hand over her inflamed skin. “Baby, I’m here. I never left.” He took the risk and touched her cold hand. The jolt of electricity made her jerk, but she didn’t let go of his hand. She didn’t look at him either, though.
“Not David,” she said again, her body shaking this time.
He leaned down and caressed her cheek. “It’s me, my love.”
She took several panicked breaths, but he held her hand in his and continued caressing her icy cheek.
“David?” Her eyes shifted from the ceiling to him.
“Yes, baby.” He smiled and leaned forward to kiss her forehead. “It’s me. I’m here. Oh, baby, I’m so sorry.” He placed his palm on her cheek. “She’s cold.”
“David?” She slightly tilted her face toward his hand.
“It’s me, Jane.”
Again, her eyes focused on him, but he knew by the way her pupils continuously dilated that she was still seeing something else.
He moved his face closer, pressing his lips to her nose and cheek as he slid his hand into her hair. “Can you feel me? Remember how I feel hot?” He moved his hand from her head to hold the back of her neck. “Remember how our lips felt against each other’s?” He kissed her cheek. “Baby, I wasn’t rejecting you. I love you. I’m here. And I’m real. Whatever you are seeing and hearing, ignore it. Focus on me. My heat, my lips.” He kissed her closed eyelids. “Feel me.”
Jane raised one hand to his face.
He quickly let go of her neck and covered it, leaning into her palm. “There. Keep coming back. I’m right here.” David turned and kissed her palm before moving her hand to his neck. “Hang on, baby.”
“You’re here?” She gripped his neck as her confused gaze locked with his as he stood up.
David smiled and kissed her forehead again. “Always.”
“Gwen, get her something to wear,” Bedivere said.
David lifted Jane so he could put his face next to hers. The sweet, flowery scent that he could only describe as Jane assaulted his nose. He breathed her in, chuckling when she copied him. “It’s me, I promise.”
Guinevere returned and finally David lifted his head. He smiled even though he could see complete ruin in Jane’s eyes.
His sister unfolded one of his shirts and gestured to the counter. “Arthur suggested I bring your clothes for her . . . Sit her there, and I will help her dress.”
He did as he was told but kept his hand on Jane’s back when her panicked gaze met his. “I’m not going anywhere.”
Guinevere held up the shirt. “Hold her towel in place, and I will put this on.”
Again, David did as he was told and carefully grabbed a hold of the top of her towel, smiling tenderly at the anxious look on Jane’s face. It seemed to soothe her a bit, but she still looked unsure of what was happening around her.
“Deep breath, baby,” he said, returning her focus to him when she seemed to be slipping away.
It never left David’s mind that Jane held something dark inside her. The entity, whatever it was, it was pure evil. As he thought on it, he wondered why it wasn’t manifesting now. She was completely vulnerable, so why wasn’t it taking over? Why didn’t it come forward and kill Jason?
Jane’s face disappeared for a moment as his sister slid the shirt over her head. When her wide eyes came back into view, a dark thought popped into his head. It wants her to suffer.
He swallowed as his heart cried for her, and he tried to keep his expression calm. He was devastated. Afraid. She’d only come out of her previous torment because of Death. Now, all she had was him.
“Jane,” Guinevere said. “I need you to put your undergarments on. I will have David and Bed turn around, all right?”
Jane looked toward David as he spoke. “I’m still right here.”
He handed his sister the towel and turned away.
“She’s done,” Guinevere announced.
As David turned, he smiled and walked close to Jane. She looked lost, and he noticed her gaze fixed on a spot on the bathroom floor. His heart felt like it had been squeezed. The bastard raped her on the floor of a bathroom . . . Just like she had been when she was a child.
He cupped her cheek as he coaxed her to look at him. “Let’s get you out of here, okay?”
“Not here,” she said, and in that moment, looking into her eyes, he saw little Jane.
“I know, baby. Not here, never again.” He slid his hands under her and lifted her into his arms, not waiting another second for anyone to tell him what to do for her.
He felt her tense at the sight of Arthur, Hades, and Gawain.
“Jane, they are just here to check on you,” he said softly in her ear. “Stay with me.”
“David,” Arthur said as he stepped forward. “She needs to be somewhere where she feels safe—this room already contains startling memories for her. Take her to your room. Stay there until Bedivere can come examine her tomorrow. Gawain and Elle will watch the children.”
“Does she need anything from here, brother?” Guinevere asked.
David shook his head. “She has nothing important here.”
Jane laid her head on his shoulder and he turned on instinct to place a small kiss to her forehead.
“Jane,” Gawain called out, making David halt.
He looked at her and saw her eyes wide in fear.
“Baby, it’s Gawain . . . Is it all right if he sees you before we go to our room?”
Her lip trembled. “I’m not clean.”
He heard Gawain stop walking to them, and it took everything in him to not go hunt Jason down.
“You are, Jane. It’s others who are dirty.” He kissed her temple. “Gawain, you can see her tomorrow.”
Gawain let out an angered breath. “Of course. I will look after the twins. Take care of her, brother.”
“I will,” David said, walking out and not lo
oking back. He knew Jason had been moved out of his room, and he honestly hoped they never saw him again.
After entering their room, he carried her to bed. “Can you lie here for just a moment?”
She didn’t respond verbally, but she reached out for his pillow. He quickly placed her on the bed and watched her crawl to the farthest edge. She clutched the pillow to her as she curled into a ball.
David stood there for a second and wondered how many times Jane had curled away from Jason in this same way. “I always sleep on the edge of the bed,” she had said.
Again, he forced himself not to go hunt down Jason and simply untied his shoes. He watched her the entire time. She didn’t move, but he didn’t think she had closed her eyes yet.
“Jane, I’m going to go change. I will be right here, though.”
“Okay,” she whispered.
He grabbed his things quickly and changed in his closet faster than he’d ever dressed before.
As he came out, he decided to walk over to where she had situated herself. Just as he thought, she was staring at nothing.
“Jane,” he said, squatting in front of her. He smoothed her hair back, smiling because at least she wasn’t flinching. “Do you need me to sleep down here next to you?”
She slowly dragged her eyes to him. “Are you real?”
Nodding, he caressed her cheek. “Do you feel me?”
“Hot.”
He chuckled, pressing his entire palm against her cheek so she could feel more. “See? I’m real. You said no one feels like I do to you.”
“David,” she said softly, and his heart ached. She didn’t sound like herself; she sounded like a child.
“That’s right, baby. David. Do you want me to sleep next to you or on the floor?”
“I’m tired.”
“I know, my love. Is it okay to sleep beside you? Will that help? My heartbeat?”
She didn’t answer. She rolled away and moved to the opposite side of the bed.
David stood up, at first upset that she didn’t want him, but he smiled when she peeked over her shoulder.
“Will you just sleep next to me?”
It wasn’t what he had hoped, but it was more than he expected. “Of course, Jane.” He lifted the cover, and after lying a few inches from her, he covered both of them. But before he lay down, he leaned over and kissed the back of her head. “I love you. So much, Jane.”
She nodded but stayed quiet.
“If you need me, I’m right here.”
Again, she nodded, but she closed her eyes. For a while, he stayed halfway leaning over her until her breathing slowed. Once he was certain she was sleeping, he laid his head down, but he kept his eyes open to watch her.
He tried not to think of what she experienced along with the guilt he felt. It wouldn’t do either of them any good. So, he tried to think about the coming weeks. Earlier in the day, he and Jane had attended a briefing about their upcoming mission to retrieve the hounds for Artemis. It was something he had secretly been looking forward to because he knew Jane would enjoy meeting them. If she hadn’t already been slipping away, he would have educated her more, but he kept quiet.
His thoughts about the beasts came to an abrupt halt when Jane’s heartbeat sped up, and she began breathing frantically. She was hyperventilating in her sleep.
David rolled over and put his arm around her as he whispered in her ear, “Shh, baby, I’m right here.” He pulled her closer. She began to panic more, so he stopped and simply hugged her. “I’ve got you. You’re not there, Jane. You’re with me.” He kissed the back of her head. “They can’t hurt you anymore.”
Her erratic breathing eased, and she relaxed against him. So, he quickly kissed her head and wrapped his arm around her. There was no way he was letting her sleep by herself. He wondered how many nights she’d gone through this, and he understood Death’s constant contact with her now. Because, even though he didn’t understand why Death wasn’t coming to her now, he knew the angel loved her. Only her. Death had made sure she wasn’t alone, but now it was his job. He had to keep her in one piece, give her time to grow stronger to fight the war inside herself and the evil that was drawn to her for reasons he still could not fathom.
For hours, David prayed for her and guidance until exhaustion overtook him, pulling him into nightmares of his Jane, present and how he imagined her as a girl—the defeated and dying girl he loved. But every once in a while, he saw her, his beauty standing tall as she roared at the darkness around her, only to be swallowed whole.
The pile of toys seemed unending as David sat on the floor trying to help Nathan find a particular dinosaur. It had been five days since the incident with Jason, and David hadn’t left Jane’s side for more than a few minutes at a time.
Unfortunately, she’d only gotten worse. She wasn’t exactly shut off because he could see the pain in her eyes; she was still seeing things, hearing things, but she wouldn’t confide in him. Arthur had told him privately when she bathed under Guinevere’s care that she was ashamed and disgusted with herself. But she knew he was there, and she was trying to hold on.
It was terrible to witness her this way. She’d stare off, avoiding eye contact with everyone. Usually her face scrunched up in agony, and he’d pick her up and carry her back to their room, but he always brought her to sit with her kids. She never interacted with them, but she’d watch them. They seemed to know not to talk to her, but they’d also occasionally try to get her to come to them.
It was heartbreaking to see their sorrow. Nathan, especially, seemed to be affected. David often found himself holding Nathan on his lap as they both sat next to Jane. She never looked at them for more than a few seconds before her eyes would glaze over.
They’d trained together, too, but her demon never surfaced. The warrior he knew she was never rose to the challenge, either. She was simply doing it to please him. Everything he tried had little reaction. He read to her, talked to her, walked with her around the castle, but she never engaged with him. If he asked her a specific question, she’d respond with a simple answer and then turn away, her body tensing as if she was always preparing for an attack. Even their bedtime and feedings had been uneventful. She no longer fed from him; he was now drawing his blood several times a day for her to drink, and she never crawled to him in her sleep like she’d done before.
The only positive turn of events was Jason staying away from her. Although he would turn up whenever Jane visited the children, he never came close. David made sure of it, along with Gawain and Arthur.
Jason didn’t fight them. He just watched her, and he seemed to slip into his own depression.
David glanced up; he knew Jason was on the other side of the room, and he was right. Jason sat in a chair, staring in Jane’s direction. David already knew she was unaware; she always was.
He checked on her where he’d left her sitting on a swing. She was still there, just staring at nothing, but seeing something nonetheless. Normally, he would have gone to her, but Nathan and Natalie needed attention from someone other than the wives and knights. They wanted to be near Jane, which was near him.
After accepting she was not witnessing something too horrible, he looked back at the pile of toys. Regardless that she wasn’t suffering the worst of her torments, he would take her into his arms again as soon as he could.
David dug around the pile some more and gave out a frustrated sigh. “Nathan, I do not think it’s here.”
When he looked at Nathan, he realized the boy was watching Jane. David followed his gaze and found Jane in the same state. How he longed to see her smile again.
“Mommy sad,” said Nathan.
David looked away from Jane. “She will be okay.”
Nathan tilted his head at David and looked back over at his mom. “David happy.”
David frowned, not understanding what he was trying to tell him. Obviously he wasn’t happy, and he didn’t think that Nathan was trying to say that.
“He wants you
to make Mommy happy again,” Natalie said.
David hadn’t even realized that she was playing with her dolls next to him. He took in her hopeful look and smiled sadly. “I don’t know how.”
Neither of the twins responded to him, so David turned his attention back to Jane. He’d need to take her away soon.
“You make Mommy smile,” Natalie spoke up again.
David snapped his surprised eyes over to her.
The miniature version of Jane grinned. “Make her smile. She never smiled like she did until you came.”
David was stunned. Of course he had figured Jane was often depressed, but to have a pair of five year olds aware that he caused a difference was shocking.
He looked back at Jane, and then around the room. His gaze landed on Arthur. His brother-in-law had made a habit of sitting with him when Jane was around the twins.
They made eye contact, and with a faint smile, Arthur shrugged.
David knew Arthur was simply saying he was also at a loss. Why not listen to the children?
Jason was the next person he sought out. It didn’t surprise him to find Jason already watching him. David could see the protest in Jason’s eyes. Even though Jason clearly felt remorse, he still seemed to want to hold onto his claim over Jane. As far as David was concerned, besides the title of husband and father of the twins, Jason was nothing.
“Mommy likes you,” Natalie said after David’s continued silence.
He shifted his gaze back to the little girl. “You think so?”
Natalie usually didn’t talk to him, so he was surprised to see her encouraging smile.
“She loves you,” she said, looking over at her mom.
David’s mouth fell open, and he was speechless when Nathan bobbed his head in what seemed like a silent agreement.
Natalie returned her attention to him. “Do you love her?”
David wasn’t sure how to answer. They obviously knew he loved Jane, but he got the feeling they realized it was more than a platonic love. He was completely in love with Jane, and he knew she was falling for him before this all happened.
He glanced at Jane. She hadn’t moved, but he knew all attention was on him. The others in the game room, Arthur, Guinevere, Gawain, Elle, and Gareth—they all watched him. Even Jason, who he knew had heard Natalie since she didn’t bother to talk softly.