by Janie Marie
“I’ll give you time to calm down,” he said, dismissing her request. “I have to go. I’ve been here longer than I intended.”
She scoffed, looking over and finding him completely clothed. “Yeah, no need to waste time with me when you have your piece of ass giving you multiple orgasms. Go. Go kill my husband. Hell, go take your little tramp to David and see if he wants a turn because you nearly fucked me and maybe that’s how it works for guys. I couldn’t get him off like your precious girlfriend.”
“She is not a girlfriend, and you satisfy David. Your kiss satisfies me more than the women I fuck, so stop saying this shit.”
“No, I don’t. I shouldn’t care that you fuck other women when I’m supposed to be with David, but I do. And it kills me that you chose to fuck some woman when I needed you. David is a better man than you, but after all this, I can’t allow him to take me back. I lost him, and I never even had you. He may be better than you, but I am a fucking monster compared to you.”
“I’ll be back.” He sighed. “Listening to you pitying yourself and insulting me is pointless. And don’t stay on the floor; the bed is not soiled.”
“Fuck you!” She glared at him, her heart too angry to stop saying things she knew she’d regret. She already regretted everything, but this fire wouldn’t die. “You know what? I wish I had gone with Lucifer that day. At least he’s honest. He doesn’t make people believe they are loved, and I bet he honors the deals he offers.”
“You know nothing of Lucifer.” He balled his fists. “Keep talking like this, and you will stay here for eternity.”
“Kiss my ass, Death! I’ll kill myself if I have to, you selfish bastard. I know you’re just waiting for me to leave so you can bring your little piece of ass back to your bachelor pad. ‘My realm.’ You fucking asshole.”
He sighed and walked to a small chest. He opened it, rummaging around before pulling out one of her old shirts. It was an extra-large black shirt with a grim reaper on it. She had bought it when she was eighteen, after he had wiped her memory.
“Where did you get that?”
He walked to her, squatting as he put it over her. “I was with you the day you bought it—I loved finding you sleeping in it almost every night . . . You left it at your old workplace, and one of the male employees took it. I took it back after scaring the shit out of him.”
She smacked his hand when he tried to pull her arms through. “Don’t touch me.”
He ran his fingers through his hair. “You will understand my choices one day. I did not mean for this to happen. You cannot offer yourself to me this way, and you cannot use that bitch against me. Out there, she can keep me away. She might even have some way to truly harm me, but here, I rule. Don’t forget that the next time you want to attempt to force my hand.”
Her heart felt like it was bleeding. “So you’re the only one who can do things for the greater good? I can’t sacrifice myself for my husband’s life?”
“He’s your ex.” He gave her a long look. “You chose David not too long ago, remember? You are barely thinking about him in all your self-sacrificing acts. They’re admirable, in a way, but you have yet to truly put him first.”
“I am thinking about him, idiot! I hate myself for everything I’ve caused him to suffer. So I’m ridding him of me. He feels obligated to be with me because I’m his Other, but none of the knights’ Others are as fucked up as I am. He deserves beauty, and I’m ugly. I’m ugly inside and out, and I want him to be happy with someone who will never break his heart.”
“You may think that, and you may break parts of his heart, but he will never walk away from you.”
“I KNOW!” she screamed. “That’s why I have to hurt him. It would be nicer if he just forgot me, but you like to hurt me, so we’re just stuck in this little circle. The only thing is David is a saint, and we are two fucked up monsters.”
“Jane.” He sighed.
She cut him off, her heart being broken by her own hands. “I love him!” She cried, shaking as she stared into Death’s eyes; they gave her peace even now. “If I look into David’s eyes, I have hope, but I can’t risk everyone’s lives and hearts because he believes in me.”
“He’s not the only one who believes in you, angel.” He leaned down and kissed her forehead. “I wish I could tell you the truth. Doing so, though, would change everything. I just want you to see your value. It has nothing to do with your power. She is not what makes you great.”
“I tried to believe in myself, Death. It has only brought pain and cost the lives of innocents.” She whimpered. “Will Jason feel it?”
“No. I already relieved his pain. He is simply waiting.” He rubbed her tears, and she couldn’t push him away anymore. “Don’t beat yourself up so much. You have been pushed to the brink so many times. I just could not let you fall for this.”
“Can you tell Jason I tried?” She closed her eyes as he lifted her off the floor and carried her back to bed.
“I will tell him you loved him so much you were willing to do anything to save him, but I will not change his fate.” He kissed her on the lips. “I love you.”
“Don’t say that to me.” She rolled on her side, away from him—away from the peace his presence gave her, away from the magic his touch created. “Just do me a favor, if you need to fuck your girlfriend, or anyone else, do it somewhere I will never go, or take me out of here before you do.”
He sighed as he rubbed her back. “I will return, and I will stay with you while you mourn your loss.”
“No.” She curled up into a ball. “I don’t want to see you. If you have to come, stay invisible or whatever. I’m sure you’ll be able to determine if I’m too crazy to be dropped off with the world. And if I’m not calm, but you need the bed for a fuck, maybe take me to Antarctica until you’re done.”
“I want you to think about this, okay?” He ran his fingers through her hair. “During your last forty-eight hours on Earth, you fucked David. I know it was your first time together because I saw you the day before. You have been hurting because of the way he treated you, but you jumped his fucking nuts the moment he said he was sorry. That’s fine. You did it because you love him, and you needed physical love from him. Now, think about me; you were mine. You liked him, but you were mine. I knew if I left, you would fall for him; you were falling for him right in front of me, but you sought comfort from him the fucking moment I left you. I feel you, Jane. I feel what he does for you, and I feel your ecstasy when he loves your body. You sought comfort in his arms, in his bed—with his body. I did not seek comfort—I sought distraction. There is a constant desire to be one with you. It isn’t lust, but that is the only way I can stop myself from ripping you out of David’s arms. So, even though I hurt you by fucking other women, I do it for your benefit—so you stay with the man your heart has chosen.”
She closed her eyes as everything he said began to make sense. Death was not human; he did his duty, and she was the one forcing him to do these things. “That only makes me feel worse. Just go. I don’t want to talk to you if you’re not going to save Jason. You’re just hurting me, and I’m hurting you more. I don’t want to hurt anyone. I just want to end.”
He turned her face to him, caressing her cheek, sending his presence into her with his touch.
She sighed, letting herself have this for just a moment before opening her eyes.
“I will never let you end, Sweet Jane.” He kissed her softly, and it felt like a glimpse of Heaven from the depths of Hell. He kept his lips against hers as he spoke. “If there was ever a way for you to be mine, I would make it so. But you see, my beautiful girl, I will always hurt you. No matter how much I love you, I will take more than I can ever give you.” He kissed her again. “David will give you everything. That is why your heart chose him. It knows he will not hurt you. No matter how much it and your soul love me, they know I will only cause you pain. David is love. We are something else.”
Her lips trembled until he slid his finger
s over them.
“I will return for you, Sweet Jane. Use the time you have here to grieve. Without me here, your pain will begin to numb because there is no pain in death. Take advantage of that so you can mentally prepare for what you will return to.”
She shook her head. “When you take me back, I never want to see you again.”
He was quiet for a few seconds. “Good. It may be better that way.” His departure was instant, and so were her cries.
She cried for Jason and her babies. She cried for David, for everyone who unfortunately became a part of her wretched life. She cried for Death. Even now, she did not want to lose him. She felt wrong without him.
She didn’t know how long she cried for, but she knew it was a considerable amount of time. Her voice had gone hoarse from her sobs until only faint croaking noises left her chapped lips. Eventually, though, exhaustion set in.
When she woke, she would have no one.
No Jason. No children. No David. No Death . . . Nothing.
Her demon smiled as she accepted her life was over. Even if she was not dead, even if David forgave her, she would never forgive or love herself again. And she had no one but herself to blame.
Death exhaled as the slightly disorienting effects of teleporting to his realm faded. He glanced at the empty bed and shook his head, walking around to find Jane on the floor. She was staring up, her eyes unfocused, and her breathing so shallow she looked dead. The dark flooring made her pale skin stand out, further crushing his heart because it reminded him of the night he found her after her overdose all those years ago.
He knelt beside her, watching as her fixed gaze went unchanged. The olive color of her eyes mixed with the black of her demon’s. The gold and bright green tones were barely lit, but a faint glow near her pupil gave him enough hope to stay on his path.
“This is why you could never come with me, baby girl,” he said, already aware she was experiencing death behind her unblinking eyes. Just as the souls were behind the curtain, she was seeing her life all over again. Without him here to keep her flame burning, she would slowly inch closer to the edge of her own death. Of course, she wouldn’t fully die, but her soul knew it was meant to pass here; it was trying to move on.
“Can you hear me?” he asked, touching her cold hand. He’d only been gone for two days in Earth time, but, for her, she’d been stuck here for weeks.
Her lips parted as a tear slowly slid into her hair. “I’m tired, Jason. I was with Wendy all day.” Her expression didn’t change, but she parted her legs as another tear slid down the side of her face. “Go ahead.”
He covered his eyes for a moment, his own soul roaring within him as it reached for her, wanting to rescue her from these memories. She experienced them even without being here, but seeing her like this, unable to wake from them, his heart could barely take it.
She sniffed, and he lowered his hand from his face, watching that light dim in her eyes. He didn’t want to experience this; he’d felt this torment so many times from her. She gave her body to men because they took advantage of her trust in them. She’d been conditioned at such a young age to view herself as a tool for a man’s pleasure. She would always be this way. Until he let her go.
Death gently closed her legs. She was still naked from the waist down, and he was hating himself more for having been so cruel to her earlier. He held her hand, knowing he couldn’t just wake her. Like a sleepwalker, she needed to wake on her own.
Again, she spread her legs. Her voice was quieter, more innocent than it already was. Younger. “It makes me feel weird here.” Since he was holding her hand, she put his hand right between her legs. He closed his eyes as his own heart struggled to beat when she pushed his finger on her clitoris. “No, Stephen. I don’t like it.” She whined, and he carefully removed his hand from hers, closing her legs again, and pulled the blanket off the bed to cover her.
He took her hand again as he looked at her face. Tear after tear slid into her hair as his soul continued to roar, demanding he save her. It didn’t care about any of the rules forced on him or what damage his actions could cause—it needed her to stop hurting.
Death slid a finger down the path of her tears, feeling some relief when a sad smile touched her pale lips.
“Don’t leave me,” she whispered, but she still wasn’t awake. This was another moment in her life, another time she had called to him without remembering who he was. She only knew someone was there.
“I will never leave you,” he said, leaning down to kiss her. “Wake, Sweet Jane. Please wake from this.” He knew she wouldn’t until she saw every memory, but he could guide her to focus on the happier times she held so close to her heart. He brushed his mouth over hers, sending part of his soul to comfort her. “I am here. Follow me, baby girl.” He shouldn’t do this, but he couldn’t stop himself when she continued to cry. He watched the emerald glow dance across her face as his soul eagerly entered her body.
“Death,” she said, smiling but still stuck in her past. “You’re supposed to act scared.”
His chest and throat ached as badly as the burning sensation in his eyes. She was remembering him with her when she was only a teenager. She would always try to scare him, and he never understood why.
He let go of her hand to hold her cheek, continuing to brush his lips over hers. He wondered what memory his soul would try to show her to ease the torment her demon was likely inflicting.
“I love you, Death,” she breathed against his lips, just like she had on her birthday the first time she told him.
“And I love you, Sweet Jane,” he said even though he had not said it then.
“That’s kinda romantic, Death,” she said, smiling again. “I didn’t expect that.”
He grinned, pressing his lips to hers as he recited what he’d said to her the night they took her back to her family. “I’m not romantic . . . I imagined more than just kissing when I saw the moon. Loving you as you’re completely naked under the moonlight is definitely one of my favorite recurring fantasies.”
He felt his soul searching for something inside her as she spoke again.
“I would have followed you,” she whispered.
Death closed his eyes as he called his soul back. This moment was from their conversation after he’d restored her memory. Again, he repeated what he’d told her then. “I know. But I wanted you to be happy. I saw nothing for us.”
“Oh, Death,” she said, kissing him on her own, just like she had done the night he’d returned. “You always became so volatile when it came to something happening to me.”
His lips turned up against hers. “You’re all I have, Sweet Jane.”
She put her arms around his neck and mumbled against his skin. “I know I should be angry with you, but I forgive you. I think I’m incapable of being upset with you, actually. Besides, we’ll figure this out, and I know you will do everything you can to keep me safe. Whatever happens, though, please don’t make me forget you.”
Death caressed her hair. “I will never do that to you again.”
“Thank you, Death.”
“Always, Sweet Jane.”
Death pressed his lips to her head. He was holding her in his arms, but they were back on Earth—standing a foot from David’s bed where her vampire was asleep with her children.
It should have been a sweet or even sad sight for Jane to see her children asleep in David’s arms. It should have caused her heart to ache at how tightly they clung to his shirt. It should have heated her skin and sped her breathing to see his face again, because, even exhausted, David would always be incredibly sexy. And a man caring for his woman’s children, especially children that weren’t his, was definitely something worthy of extra points of attraction. Yet, here Jane was, without the faintest bit of emotion stirring within her.
“He has taken great care of them,” Death said quietly.
“Oh.” That was all she could think to respond.
Death pulled her closer. “Your emotions wil
l return soon.”
She glanced at him. He was still holding her even though they’d teleported from his realm several minutes ago. “I feel you.”
He smiled that smile that haunted her even in her dreams. “As long as a part of you wants to, you will always feel me.”
“I didn’t want to come here,” she said, knowing what they’d said and done to each other before he’d left to take Jason. The effects of Death’s realm were keeping her from lashing out at him, but she remembered everything. She knew she was hurt, betrayed, and sad. She knew things were over for her. She knew her choices would only lead to more destruction, but she had no other way. The only way was to choose which path offered the least pain to those she loved.
“I know, angel.” Death kissed her cheek. “I could not watch you that way any longer, though. It will be good for you to be with them. They have missed you.”
She looked back at David and her kids. “Can he hear us?”
“No. Tell me when you’d like me to drop the sound barrier, and I will. I just desired these extra moments with you.”
“Then you will leave?” she asked, a slight panic suddenly rising in her. He was supposed to leave her; she had demanded it, but she really didn’t want to let him go.
“Look at me.” He smiled when she did. “I will never leave you, Sweet Jane. Even when you push me away, I will be with you.”
Jane returned her attention to the bed. “You sound like each other—you and David. I wonder if it’s just me who causes you both to be who you are.”
“You cause a lot of things, angel.” He kissed her head. “I suppose it makes sense David and I think and speak similarly about you.”
“It’s almost as though I am cycling through the same trials with each of you,” she said, studying her vampire. He was lying on his back with Nathan and Natalie curled up on each side of him, and he looked so worn out. His hair was messy, he had bags under his eyes. Even his shirt was dirty, reminding her of how she looked with them—never taking care of herself. Jane realized his shirt was stained with dried tears from her kids where he’d held them against him.