He leaned in to kiss the older woman. ‘So, you’ve met, and you have drinks, excellent start. Here.’ David discreetly handed me my bag, his eyes trained courteously on his father’s guest.
Look at me, I urged him, desperate for a reassuring nod, a smile that would confirm that he had not seen anything out of the ordinary. But his eyes remained on May’s.
‘We have, but I’ve yet to probe her properly. Now, David, how are you? And university? Do they still call Sussex a university these days?’
David laughed, taking a drink for himself from a passing tray and another for May whose glass was already empty. I watched his inflection shift, the way he rolled his vowels, his whole demeanour straightening, so different from the one he assumed at home; visibly reverting to his heritage.
He was so good at this, so natural. A natural liar. The thought pricked at the top of my arms.
‘I graduated a while ago now, and would you believe, I have a job?’
It was hardly deception, the ability to ingratiate oneself with one’s parents’ friends, I reprimanded myself as the conversation turned to David’s work. Besides, if he had seen something in my bag there was no way he would be standing here now, having a conversation about the merits of the Russell Group.
Distracting myself, I let my attention drift across the party to the guests expertly moving between one another: the flow of kaftans, the chink of glasses, smoked salmon giving way beneath veneered teeth.
As if sensing my unease, David pressed his hand gently, reassuringly, against my lower back. Looking up, I caught his eye briefly and any residual fears instantly fell away.
Bolstered, I squeezed his hand before taking a step away so that I was standing a little away from the crowd, my back to the glass windows. Across the pool, my attention was caught by a young woman around my own age in the kitchen, thick dark hair falling in front of her eyes. Despite the heat, she was dressed in dark jeans and a black vest top revealing deeply tanned shoulders, black flip-flops drumming impatiently against the tiles.
Looking closer, I realised she was talking to Athena, whose figure was partially obscured by the fridge door.
My attention turning once again to the party, I reached into my purse, pulling out my phone and holding it in front of me, as if checking a text. Discreetly pressing the button for camera mode, I clutched it to my chest, an intentionally disarming smile pasted across my face as I turned casually from left to right, repeatedly pressing the red button.
Glancing down for a second, I saw Jorgos through the screen of my phone, less than a metre from me, his eyes concealed behind his glasses.
Flicking the camera off, I let the phone drop to my side and raised my hand in a gesture of hello, but could not be sure if he had seen.
‘You OK?’
David was standing beside me once more and I turned, giving him my best smile.
‘Fine.’
‘Good. There’s someone I want you to meet.’
CHAPTER 16
Maria
Like all of my mother’s requests, my attendance at the party had not so much been a suggestion as a command. It was the day before our big blow-up but already tensions between us were bubbling just below the surface.
‘Maria, I never ask anything of you. Please. How long has it been? Clive always asks after you and they know you are back from Athens. You don’t have to stay long.’
Was it purely out of a sense of duty that I had conceded, or was there a part of me that wanted to see David again; part of me that refused to write him off?
The moment I arrived, regret had started to gnaw at my bones.
The house had changed almost beyond recognition. The dark stone kitchen where David and I used to seek refuge from the afternoon sun when we were children had long been bulldozed, replaced by Carrara marble. But the expensive alterations could not erase the memory of Artemis’ face. It was everywhere, reflected in the brass taps, shimmering on the surface of the infinity pool.
As I watched my mother fussing with a tray of drinks, I remembered David’s words screaming after me from the upstairs landing.
‘Mama, I need to go.’
I kept my voice low as she fiddled in the fridge for no reason I could fathom other than to remind the caterers whose kitchen this really was.
The rage in her eyes was so immediate that it must have been bubbling under the surface, just awaiting a false move. Yet I persisted.
‘It doesn’t feel right. The house where Artemis …’
I restrained my voice to a whisper, aware of the staff moving in and out of the kitchen.
‘Just being here makes me feel sick. Don’t look at me like that; we owe that man nothing.’
‘Nothing?’ My mother’s eyes shone with incredulity. ‘You’re living in a fairy world. Who pays for your university tuition? Hmm, Maria? Me. And who pays me?’
It was my mother’s face that gave away his presence, her body pulling away from mine suddenly, righting itself, her tongue flicking over her lip where bubbles of spit had formed.
‘David!’
I turned and there he was, inches from my face.
‘Maria.’
The warmth in his expression was genuine, I was sure. In that moment, my fear that night, the visceral terror that had sent me running from the house, seemed irrational. It was a response to what had happened, I reminded myself now, just as I had tried to tell myself in the years following that summer, when the nightmares clawed me out of sleep.
Before I could speak he held me in his arms, his body so different from the one I remembered. The puny frame of a boy had been replaced with something more solid, more cultivated.
‘Maria, I want you to meet Anna.’
He took a step back and beside him I saw the young woman from the restaurant. I felt a stab of jealousy as his arm touched hers.
She could not have been much older than me. Her eyes, with just a touch of mascara, were a pale green. As she smiled, there was something disconcerting about her, a wariness or a preoccupation that made her impossible to pin down.
When she spoke, she self-consciously pushed her hair behind her ear, the tone of her voice not matching her words. ‘It’s so nice to meet you.’
‘And you.’
Did I imagine David flinching at the sound of my voice?
‘Maria is my daughter.’
My mother accentuated her vowels, making it plain she was no longer the housemaid, but rather the family friend she had for so long been.
‘She and David are very old friends, they were very close.’
I felt my cheeks blush. ‘That was a long time ago.’
‘Maria is studying in Athens now, David, did you know it? She was working as a teacher for a while and now she is at university. And …’.
My eyes flashed her a warning but she carried on nonetheless.
‘Actually, she has been selected to do a year in London as part of her course …’
‘Mum?’ My eyes snapped to her face. ‘It’s not confirmed, there are things I have to work out first.’ I shook my head, indicating my mother had got it wrong.
Anna’s attention seemed to drift away as Athena rattled on. After a moment, she broke away, almost imperceptibly, and with a small, unconvincing smile disappeared into the crowd.
‘I can’t believe it’s been so long.’
David accompanied me to the end of the drive, the huge iron gates slowly opening to reveal the pitch-black mountain beyond the gravel drive.
‘Are you sure I can’t call you a taxi?’
‘I have my bike.’
I moved towards the scooter I had propped on the other side of the gates, as if preparing for a quick getaway.
‘It’s so good to see you again, Maria. You look … You look great.’
‘Thank you. You look well, too.’
He leaned in to kiss me on the cheek and instinctively, I flinched.
If he noticed, it did not show.
‘Are you free for a coffee, or l
unch? You could come over tomorrow. Anna and I—’
‘I can’t. I’m heading back to Athens in a few days. I’m working all the time, you know, I have so much to catch up on. My thesis is due after the holidays and …’
‘It’s wonderful, your course … You always wanted to go to university.’
Did he have any idea how patronising he sounded?
‘The London thing, you know, if you needed somewhere to stay, or …’
There was a hint of hope in his eye, or had I imagined it? Maybe it was relief that whatever had stood between us all these years was falling away.
‘It’s fine, thank you. I have options, it’s more that I need to work out stuff here.’
‘Well, if you do … If you ever need anything, or … It would be lovely to see you. Thanks for coming tonight.’
There was something about the sadness in his eye, a hint of the boy he was, my friend, that made me reach for his hand.
‘It’s good to see you too. Your mum, she would have …’
I stopped, unsure of what I had intended to say, pulling my hand away as the gates started to close behind us.
‘You better go, Anna will be looking for you.’
David nodded and turned.
I don’t know why I said it. The words would strike me later as odd, but as I pulled my leg over the bike, I heard myself add, ‘I’ll see you again.’
CHAPTER 17
Maria
Of course I didn’t mention that I had seen them, a few nights earlier.
I had been walking back through the square from the shops, the evening our lives fused together again after so long apart.
They were sitting in the far corner of the restaurant. Clive, Jorgos and David, the young woman I would later come to know as Anna seated between them. From where I stood, looking in across the taverna from the street, perfectly obscured by a trellis of vines, I could see her foot nervously tapping under the table as she moved her fork around a plate of food that remained largely untouched.
Would I have recognised David if it were not for my mother warning me earlier that day of the Witherall descent on the island? Was it coincidence that I walked by his father’s favourite restaurant, just a few hours after I heard of his return? I told myself it was, but it is possible that I was seeking him out, in spite of myself.
I felt my body freeze. It had been almost ten years, after all. I had been just twelve the last time we saw each other, and he was fourteen. For a moment I pictured that night, heat clotting the air around us, his final words chasing me down the hill, muffled by the sound of my own snatched breath, the bones in my legs jarring as my feet slammed against the path away from his house.
There were changes, of course. The pale skin had grown warmer, more lived in; the stack of ratty cotton bracelets in red and greens and yellows he had worn up his arms that last summer had been replaced by a heavy silver watch.
From here, it was impossible to tell if it was Artemis’ features that lingered in her only son, or Clive’s.
A sudden breeze whipped through the trellis, so that if any of them had looked over, I would have been exposed. Ducking down, making to leave before anyone spotted me, I was distracted by a tremendous noise and I turned again to see the young woman at the table leap up, her chair making a cracking sound as it fell and hit the ground.
A second later, David stood too, ready to follow her into the restaurant when Clive, his demeanour unbroken, laid a hand on his son’s arm. Straining to see what would happen next, I lifted my fingers to the foliage as the couple at the table directly in front of me stood, blocking my view.
At the same time, I heard my mother’s voice calling from across the square.
‘Maria?’
Crossing the road towards her quickly enough that she would not have a chance to catch sight of Clive, I glanced briefly back at the men and felt a chill inexplicably rolling through my bones.
CHAPTER 18
Maria
The tensions between my mother and me that summer were such that it was just a matter of time before one of us snapped.
I had woken first one morning. Struck by the lethargy that smothered me within hours of my return, I had fallen asleep on my bed the previous evening surrounded by the textbooks that provided a convenient escape from Athena’s relentless tongue.
The house stood on the tip of the island, old and proud. It was already cloyingly hot in the room. Pushing open the wooden shutters, I was met with a square of perfect blue, the sea and sky blending in to one another, pressing everything else out.
It was still early. Following the quiet sloshing of the sea, which whispered to me through the kitchen window, I made my way down the familiar twists of the mountain path to the port.
The air was lighter down here. Yannis’ bar was the furthest along the street running parallel to the sea, tapering out where a strip of bars and restaurants met the side of the mountain.
At this hour, it was the only place open. The plastic chair creaked as I sat.
‘Just a coffee, please.’ I smiled to the young waiter whom I recognised as the son of Carolina, one of the shopkeepers at the top of the village, his mother’s solemn expression reflected in his pointed features.
I had been back on the island less than a week and already my body twitched with the sense that the land was closing in on me. A scattering of boats dozed on the horizon, illuminated by the morning sun, their distance a mockery, and for a moment my mind flicked to my father.
‘Maria? I thought it was you! I heard you were back.’
I looked round at the familiar voice. Kasia’s tone had been given an extra authority by the months she had spent training to become a teaching assistant. I had trained alongside her, at the only school on the island.
Phillip, standing beside her, had the same self-satisfied expression he had worn throughout school.
‘But weren’t you in Athens? I thought you were too good for us these days?’
‘I’m visiting my mother for the summer.’ I tried to match Phillip’s jovial tone, aware of the light sting of humiliation on my cheeks.
Kasia placed a smug hand over the neat bulge of her belly.
‘I’m having a baby shower in a couple of weeks, if you’re around?’
For a moment I pictured the same faces from school, the same idle gossip; I worked hard to keep my expression neutral.
‘Congratulations! That’s such lovely news. And thanks, but I’m not going to be around long.’
I did not mention the flat on the mainland I had sub-let for the summer in a desperate attempt to recoup some of my rent.
‘Really? I just thought you might have decided to stay and take over your mother’s job—’
‘Lovely to see you both.’ I raised my cup at them, my jaw gritted, the tension still pulling at my mouth as I stood, leaving a handful of coins on the table.
If anything could be said for my encounter with Kasia and Phillip, it is that it was just the catalyst I needed. That same afternoon, I went back to the house and booked my return flight to Athens, for a couple of days later. Given that I had rented out my flat for the summer, I would have to sofa-surf while I worked out my next steps. But it would be worth it. In fact, when I imagined the prospect of another month on the island, I knew I had no other choice.
I had been to see my course leader the day before I came back here. Her office had been dark, both curtains pulled against the glare of the sun.
She smiled when she saw me at the door, and I felt myself buoyed as I accepted a seat in front of her desk, though it was clear I would not be staying long. I was already stretching the boundaries of teacher – pupil relations to have turned up at her office uninvited, and I knew better than to push my luck.
The air in the room was thick and sweet with sweat, as she started to speak.
‘I appreciate you coming to see me, Maria, and quite honestly I could not think of a single reason not to recommend that you apply. You are bright, you are tenacious
and you are clearly driven, but I feel I must warn you, the placement is not cheap.’
However it might have sounded, this was not a plea for preferential treatment so much as an exercise in expectation management. If new tactics were needed, I would have to start work on them straight away.
‘Maria, as I’m sure you are aware, mature students do not qualify for any sort of bursary and, well, I just don’t want you to be in any doubt. London, it is not an easy place to make your money stretch.’
‘It is not a problem,’ I said, my features serene, despite the flutter of my heartbeat.
The professor’s eyes smiled back at me as she nodded, holding out her hand.
‘Well, in that case, I cannot think that there will be much standing in your way. With your grades, I can’t think of a student more deserving of the year abroad. Of course there will be formalities, and nothing is a stone-cast guarantee, but I’ll keep you posted.’
‘Thank you.’ I stood, dizzy with the prospect.
‘And what are you doing this summer? You’re staying around in Athens?’
I shook my head regretfully.
‘I’m going to see my mother. She is … I haven’t seen her for a while.’
‘Lovely. The Sporades, yes?’
‘Yes.’
My brevity had been well received.
‘Beautiful. Now have a wonderful summer, and as soon as I know anything, I will be in touch.’
CHAPTER 19
Maria
The day I was due to return to Athens, I woke to my mother’s voice, an instant reminder of where I was; the sound of her singing along to the radio seeped under my door like gas.
Already, I could picture the scene from where I lay, my body too big for the bed. She would be dressed for work, her apron pulled too tight around her waist, arranging flowers in a vase; tensing her jaw against the shooting pains that juddered up her spine as she moved.
It was the first time I had been home from university since the Christmas break, and given my premature return to the mainland – which I had put down to a summer job opening that was too lucrative to refuse – I knew exactly what would await me when I finally stepped out of this room. There would be freshly baked bread, piles of spanakopita laid out on the blue and yellow tablecloth she would have spread across the table on the terrace, two chairs squeezed into the gaps, although she would not sit. This was the setting of the scene for the memory she would use to rewrite the history of our time together.
The Most Difficult Thing Page 11