Ghosts From Our Past: Both Literally and Figuratively: The Study of the Paranormal

by Erin Gilbert

  Oh, wait. Abby’s reading this over my shoulder and says we also handle ghost pets. It’s true what they say: You learn something new every day! Especially when you work with smart, talented women. I’m not just typing that because Abby’s still reading over my shoulder (although she is). I’m saying it because it’s the truth. I could go on longer praising my coworkers, but my index fingers are getting tired. It’s almost time to put them to bed for the day.

  In closing, if you run into any trouble out there . . . you know who to call. If the trouble is, like, a flat tire, call roadside assistance. For troublesome spirits, call us—the Ghostbusters.

  —Kevin, the Ghostbusters’ receptionist

  Ghostbusting Resources

  Now that we’ve deleted the hundreds of photos of “spectral orbs” that turned out to be dust, we have space to include some additional materials in this edition. From sample interview forms to a comprehensive paranormal dictionary, we’re proud to present the resources we wish we’d had at the start of our careers as metaphysical examiners.

  Paranormal Quickstart Guide

  Click here to download a PDF of Paranormal Quickstart Guide.

  Paratechnology Tool Kit: The Basics

  Audio Recorder

  Batteries

  Camera

  Carbon Monoxide Detector

  Compass

  EMF Meter

  First Aid Kit

  Flashlight

  Ghost Trap

  Infrasound Monitoring Equipment

  Ion Detector

  Motion Detector

  Night-vision Goggles

  Notebook

  PKE Meter

  Proton Pack

  Toilet Paper

  Walkie-Talkies

  Watch

  Conducting a Metaphysical Examination: Step-by-Step

  1. Interview Parapercipient(s)

  2. Evaluate the Evidence

  3. Inspect the Location

  4. Postmortem

  The Usual Sources: Paranormal Reference Books

  Ghosts from Our Past: Both Literally and Figuratively: The Study of the Paranormal by Erin Gilbert and Abby L. Yates

  The Great Book of Other Realms by William Ambrose Collins

  Encyclopaedia of Psychic Science by Nandor Fodor

  The Encyclopedia of Ghosts and Spirits by Rosemary Ellen Guiley

  Kemp’s Spectral Field Guide by Maureen Kemp

  The Heiss Guide to Frightful Entities by Vernon Heiss

  Sample Waiver of Liability for Metaphysical Examinations

  Click here to download a PDF of Sample Waiver of Liability for Metaphysical Examinations.

  Sample form provided for reference only and is not intended for field use. Prior to engaging in work as a metaphysical examiner, seek professional legal assistance from an attorney. Don’t worry—they won’t dismiss you as a lunatic, as long as you can afford their services.

  Is It a Ghost? A Handy Quiz

  Click here to download a PDF of Is It a Ghost? A Handy Quiz.

  Think you have what it takes to be a Ghostbuster?

  Great! Except we’re not hiring at the moment. We have, however, prepared a short, ten-question crash course exclusive to the revised edition of Ghosts from Our Past.

  This quiz is a quick and easy way to test your reading comprehension. It isn’t meant to replace the more comprehensive Metaphysical Examination Examination (the MEE, administered through the Kenneth P. Higgins Institute and a handful of other questionably accredited schools of higher learning).

  There are no right or wrong answers here—just good and bad answers. If you miss a question or two, don’t beat yourself up. We’ve thrown some trick questions into the mix. Yeah, we tricky.

  The only way to know for sure if you’re dealing with a ghost is to test for the presence of spectral particles. For this quiz, you won’t have a PKE meter. You’ll have to rely on your wits. Anyone lacking wits should rely on guts, and if you ain’t got any guts then we’re a little worried about how your mama raised you.

  1. You have moved into a house. For the first week, all was calm. But the second week, the disturbances began—knocking noises inside the walls, mysterious footsteps on the stairs at night, the sounds of a giggling child echoing in the vents. Is it a ghost?

  Answer: Yes. A Class I, from the sound of it. Unless it’s just a raccoon with a strange, childlike laugh, which happens more often than you’d expect.

  2. You wake up to find your apartment is in disarray. Pictures have fallen off the walls. A bookshelf has toppled over. Half the dishes are broken and scattered across the kitchen floor. Is it a ghost?

  Answer: No. You either slept through an earthquake, or you’re messier than Holtzmann and your apartment is exactly how you left it last night.

  3. A message has materialized in blood on your bedroom wall, threatening you and your family with a plague of locusts unless you pledge your soul to the Lord of the Eternal Harvest. Is it a ghost?

  Answer: Yes. You’ve been personally targeted by a Class VII entity—quite the honor! You’re not a farmer, so the locusts don’t pose a threat to any crops, but they could do a number on your potted plants.

  4. While driving on a country road late at night, you pass a horse-drawn carriage that quickly disappears into the fog. Is it a ghost?

  Answer: Depends. Did the horseman holding the reins have a head? If the driver had a head, then it was probably just a regular horse-drawn carriage. If not, then it was definitely a ghost.

  5. Using an old 35mm camera, you take a roll of photographs at your three-year-old niece’s birthday party. Upon developing the film, you notice a sinister clown in the background of several of the photos, staring silently into the camera. Is it a ghost?

  Answer: No. That’s the clown your sister-in-law hired off Craigslist. Never hire a clown off the Internet. Better yet, never hire a clown.

  6. You hear the howling of a coyote outside your window. Or is it a wolf? You crack the blinds. The yard is empty. But there . . . on the edge of the woods . . . a pair of great, glowing green eyes. Is it a ghost?

  Answer: You’d better believe it! What you’ve got there is a faery dog, a Class VI entity native to the Scottish Highlands. Sorry—we forgot to tell you that you were in Scotland.

  7. While cruising through the Bering Straight, you spot a ghostly seventeenth-century ship flying a skull-and-crossbones flag, with no visible crew. Your cruise ship’s captain attempts to steer around the pirate ship, but it’s of no use. As you prepare for a nasty collision, the cruise ship sails right through the spectral ship! Is it a ghost?

  Answer: Yes. We kind of gave that one to you, by using the words “ghostly” and “spectral.”

  8. Your thirteen-year-old daughter has started speaking in tongues and lighting fires seemingly with her mind. Most disturbingly, she’s started sleeping three feet above her bed. Is it a ghost?

  Answer: Possibly—if she’s possessed, that is. Alternatively, she may be exhibiting telekinetic powers, which commonly manifest in young adults her age, according to some paranormal experts. Either way, keep a fire extinguisher handy.

  9. Every time you descend the steps into the basement of your Victorian home, you get the chills. You felt a hand on your shoulder and heard your name whispered down there last week, although nobody was there when you turned around. Is it a ghost?

  Answer: Yes. While further investigation is necessary, this has all the makings of a Class III haunting.

  10. For the past several months, your morning toast has come out either barely warm, or else burnt to a crisp as if in hell’s oven—all on the same toaster setting. Is it a ghost?

  Answer: Even if it is, the issue can be solved by simply buying a new toaster.

  Kemp’s Spectral Classification Table

  Click here to download a PDF of Kemp’s Spectral Classification Table.
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  Source: Maureen Kemp. Kemp’s Spectral Field Guide. New York: Doubleday, 1984.

  Click here to download a PDF of Parapercipient Interview Form.

  Click here to download a PDF of Supernatural Stakeout Journal.

  The Devil’s Dictionary

  Paraterminology You Need to Know

  Agent: We don’t mean an FBI agent, like Fox Mulder. Parapsychologists use the term “agent” to refer to the primary actor in a metaphysical examination (usually an entity). For cases involving poltergeists, the agent is the human around which the poltergeist activity is centered.

  Amulet: Gems, scarabs, or other paratrinkets thought to ward off malevolent specters. Such spectral bling is of dubious practical value.

  Apport: A solid object teleported from another location, usually from the spectral ether. Conversely, a deport is an object teleported away from a location. Not to be confused with ectoplasmic manifestations.

  Astral Body: Some paranormal experts believe in the astral body, a sort of middle ground between the physical body and the soul. Believers in astral bodies point to out-of-body experiences as proof. During an astral projection, the astral body is said to leave the physical body and take flight, often soaring around the globe or traversing the galaxy in an invisible state. We read one account where an astral-projection proponent believed she had visited Saturn and returned to her body on Earth in under sixty minutes! Such a journey would have required her to travel over twice the speed of light—an impossibility, according to most physicists. Even if astral bodies exist, it’s unlikely we can just take them out for joyrides to the stars and back.

  Astral Projection: See Astral Body.

  Automatic Writing: Spirit-directed writing; a form of para-transferral embodiment. Ectoplasm allows spirits to physically manipulate possessed parapercipients’ bodies.

  Barrier: The durable but not impenetrable wall separating our world from the spectral ether.

  Channel: See Medium.

  Clairvoyance: A type of extrasensory perception. From the French words clair (“clear”) and voyance (“vision”). Clairvoyants are said to be able to psychically view both the past and the future, as well as remotely view objects and events in the present that would otherwise be inaccessible. Believers in clairvoyance are unable to adequately explain just how such powers work, in a scientific context. It appears clairvoyance is also French for “b.s.”

  Control: A spirit that acts as a guide to the spectral ether. Common during the heyday of the spiritualist movement, but uncommon in today’s DIY world. Most paranormal investigators and mediums prefer to cut out the middleman when possible.

  Deport: See Apport.

  Direct Voice Phenomena (DVP): Spirits speaking without the aid of a medium.

  Direct Writing: Unlike automatic writing, direct writing occurs when a spirit takes control of a writing device with the aid of ectoplasm, rather than possessing someone and using their hand. Which is probably for the best—using someone else’s hand is just creepy.

  Divination: The art of prophecy. Fortune-tellers make predictions based on divine inspiration, which is occasionally said to come from spectral entities. Divination takes many forms, among them a branch centered around the use of flour. In ancient Greece, occult Paula Deens baked slips of paper with aphorisms (often predictive in nature) into breads, cookies, and cakes. Baking them somehow “sealed” the fortunes. As you might have guessed by now, fortune cookies are actually a modern-day form of this ancient practice (known as “aleuromancy”). Every time you crack one open, you’re practicing divination! Another fun fact: Fortune cookies are served in Chinese restaurants in the U.S. and around the world—everywhere, that is, except China. Which makes us feel like we’re participating in some sort of cultural-appropriation sham (though that’s not going to stop us from eating them). But back to divination: Does it work? As the Magic 8 Ball says, “My sources say no.”

  Drop-in Communicator: Séances are usually conducted with the intent of reaching a particular spirit. When a different ghost makes an appearance, the unwanted visitor is said to be a drop-in communicator. Such uninvited guests may offer their skills to mediums as controls. Then again, they might just spit ectoplasm in your face and give you a spectral wedgie. Drop-in communicators should not be trusted. If you ordered a pizza from Papa John’s, and a delivery person in an unmarked van arrived with a pizza from an anonymous pizza joint, would you eat it? Depends on how hungry you are.

  Ectoplasm: Spectral foam generated through significant coupling of spectral and Standard Model particles. Negatively charged ectoplasm allows psychokinetic energy–based entities to interact physically with our world. Residue is generally green or white in appearance.

  Electronic Voice Phenomena (EVP): Recorded voices, thought to be transmissions from ghosts or other entities. Usually recorded on magnetic tape and heard only on playback.

  Entity: Interdimensional manifestations originating from the spectral ether.

  Exorcism: When an entity takes control of a human being, an object, or a site such as a house, a request is often made for it to be expelled via an exorcism. Unless you don’t mind that your roommate Brittany is possessed. Maybe the ghost actually empties the dishwasher once in a while. Exorcisms may work from time to time, but scientifically grounded means of entity disposal are the only techniques used by professional paranormal exterminators.

  Extrasensory Perception (ESP): So-called powers of the mind that seemingly transcend the senses. See Clairvoyance and Telekinesis.

  Fortune-Telling: See Divination.

  Fright: Collective noun for a group of spectral entities (i.e., “a fright of ghosts”).

  Ghost: Traditionally, spirit energy of a deceased life form that has returned to this universe from the spectral ether. Composed of psychokinetic energy and, in physical form, ectoplasm. The word “ghost” is also used to describe any type of paranormal entity, including interdimensional entities— You know what? Do we really need to define this for anyone?! WHAT DO YOU THINK WE’VE BEEN DOING FOR THE PAST COUPLE OF HUNDRED PAGES?!!

  Ghost Hunt: See Metaphysical Examination.

  Ghost Vehicles: Spectral ships, airplanes, and other vehicles are rare but notable. One of the most famous is the Flying Dutchman, a seventeenth-century ship that glows deep red with a crew of ghostly pirates. In some instances, ghost vehicles are thought to be composed entirely of ectoplasm, being the handiwork of one or more returned human spirits—after all, Ford Tempos don’t have spirits. In other instances, vehicles may be possessed by interdimensional entities.

  Ghostly Images on TV (GIOTV): Spectral images seen or heard on the television. And, no, The X-Files doesn’t count.

  Goat: Term used in academic circles for nonbelievers in the paranormal. See also Sheep.

  Guide: See Control.

  Haunted: A location with recurrent paranormal phenomena is said to be “haunted.” People, animals, and inanimate objects possessed or inhabited by spirits are also sometimes referred to as being haunted.

  Interdimensional: From outside our universe. By their very nature, paranormal entities are considered interdimensional since they originate in a higher dimension (see Spectral Ether). Some academics use the term “transdimensional.”

  Levitation: The ability to float in the air in apparent defiance of the laws of physics. Most ghosts can levitate at will. While some paranormal experts believe people and objects can levitate as well, we’re less convinced such a thing is possible without the aid of PKE and/or ectoplasm. That’s not to say it won’t ever be possible: Less than a hundred years ago, the idea that the human race would land on the moon was considered impossible. Some say it still hasn’t happened.

  Materialization: The act of creating physical matter seemingly out of nothing. In paranormal terms, an entity is said to materialize in space-time when it takes shape using ectoplasm, which is generated through a reaction between our universe and the spirit�
��s PKE.

  Medium: Any person who claims to have a direct conduit to spirits or the spectral ether.

  Metaphysical: See Paranormal.

  Metaphysical Examination: A paranormal investigation or “ghost hunt.” Usually focused on a single location, and conducted by a team of trained metaphysical examiners with the express purpose of confirming or denying a paranormal presence.

  Mortal Progenitor: A spirit’s former identity as a living being.

  Near-Death Experience (NDE): An out-of-body experience reported by persons who have come close to death. You might even say they’ve come NEAR DEATH. Experients report a sense of floating out of their body, as well as a host of other phenomena such as dark tunnels, bright lights, the spirits of deceased relatives, and the presence of a supreme being welcoming them to the spirit world (i.e., the spectral ether). Of patients whose hearts have stopped but were revived, 8 to 12 percent report experiencing one or more classic NDE components. Previously, NDEs were about the only way to glimpse the other side. We got our own peek at it, however, when we went through a portal (detailed in A Glimpse into the Unknown, a sample of which appears at the end of this book)!

  Other Side: See Spectral Ether.

  Ouija Board: Cardboard or wooden board used for communication with the dead. A popular party game for children and teenagers. At least that’s what we hear.

  Out-of-Body Experience: See Astral Projection and Near-Death Experience.

  Paranormal: Beyond ordinary sensory perceptions or established scientific laws. Some paranormal experts make a distinction between the paranormal, the supernatural, and the metaphysical; we think they’re full of it. Not only are these terms interchangeable, but they’re also just placeholders. On a long enough timeline, every element of the paranormal will either be incorporated into the scientific canon or discarded.