by Gina Henning
The vibrating stops for a second and then starts up again. I dig through my purse and turn my phone off. No technology can connect me to what I need right now. It’s gone; the connection is lost.
Chapter Fourteen
“Lauren, Jack is here.” My mom is outside my bedroom door. I don’t want to talk to Jack or anyone else. I didn’t get home till after seven and told everyone I was really sick. I think they could judge from the red splotches on my face that I had been crying and thankfully no one bothered me.
“I don’t want to talk to him.”
My mom opens the door and shuffles across the floor. I’m lying on my bed, facing the wall.
“What happened?”
“Nothing. I don’t want to talk. Please send him away.”
“Honey, I think that’s something you need to handle on your own.” She reaches over and combs the hair on my face to the side.
“I don’t want to. I just want to sleep.”
“Lauren, whatever it is you have to talk about it. You can’t just sit in a room avoiding the world.”
“Yes I can.”
“No, Lauren, you can’t. You are in my house and my rules go, so you can either come down and talk to him or I will send him up.”
“What about your ‘no boys in my room’ rule?”
My mom laughs. “Honey, Jack is no boy. Now what will it be?”
“Fine.” I sit up. “I’ll come down. Just give me a minute.”
“That’s my girl.” My mom leans down and kisses my head and gives me a hug. I’m immediately brought back to my childhood where I scraped my knee and a simple kiss from her could mend the pain. I wish it were that easy now.
I stalk over to my vanity and assess the damage. My face is blotchy and what’s left of my eye makeup is a mess. I do my best to fix my eyes, but there is no way to fix the blotchiness without foundation and I don’t wear any so it’s only powder. Besides, it really doesn’t matter what I look like to Jack. That’s the least of my worries.
At the bottom of the stairs Jack is talking with my mom. His eyes are full of worry. He notices me at the stairs and rushes to where I’m standing.
“Hey, what happened? Where have you been?” Jack grabs my hands.
“Um, let’s go outside.” I do not want to have this conversation in front of my family. We pass through the living room and all eyes are on us. Luke moves his head from left to right and I notice his hands are balls of fists. I shake my head at him.
Outside, we stride down my parents’ sidewalk.
“Do you want to go for a drive?” Jack stares down at me.
“No.” I bite my lip.
Jack reaches around and pulls me in close to his body. I’m sinking deeper on my own. I’m physically wrapped up in his arms, but I couldn’t be farther from him. It’s like even though we’re connected, we aren’t. We are like two different islands that were once formed together and now we are separated. One of us is content with the status quo and the other person…me…is not happy. I can’t continue on like this. It’s like I’m giving up my sense of self and ignoring how I feel about a true partnership. Every moment Jack takes the lead it’s like I’m slipping away into a place where I’ll be forgotten. My identity and my choices. It’s not just the wedding date but it’s everything it encompasses. I can’t be with someone that leaves me in the dark and I can’t find the light in this situation. I’m sad and scared, afraid of what is going to happen next. I planned ahead and did my best. I accepted the role of Jack’s fiancée but I didn’t think that meant he would get to make all the decisions. Everything about our relationship has been halted and seeing him with Corinne sharing a moment. It’s all just too much. I can’t be in a long distance relationship. I’m not strong enough to handle it. Each moment apart hurts too much. Each moment we’re together is a constant reminder of what I don’t have. Jack. He’s not really a permanent part of my life. And yet I’m putting my life on hold because of choices he is making. I can’t let myself slip away into this place of no say and no voice. I can’t wait any longer…my tank is emptying and I can’t breathe…I’m going under.
“What’s going on, Lauren?” He kisses my head.
“Jack, I can’t do this long-distance relationship anymore.” I swallow hard and hold back the mountains of tears that want to fall from my eyes. I wouldn’t have thought I had any more left after earlier.
“What are you saying?” Jack takes a step back.
“I’m saying, I don’t think it’s working out.” Tears slide down my cheeks.
“How? Why?” Jack runs a hand through his hair. “Is this about Trent?” The vein in his throat is going to pop through his skin.
I laugh. “God no, it’s about you.” I blink and try to clear the tears.
“About me? Why?” He grabs my hands. “What about me?”
“It’s everything, Jack: the date, your secret plans, the office, Corinne…” I swallow.
“The date—this is about setting a date?” He bites his thumb. “Lauren, I told you I’m working on it. I want to set the date. But I need to make sure everything is set up before I can do that.”
“Right, everything that you don’t want to talk about with me.” I shake my head.
“There are some things I need to do on my own. Can’t you understand that?” Jack shakes his head at me.
“No, I can’t…and I can’t wait anymore… It’s too much. It hurts too much.” I grimace, fighting to keep the tears away.
“Lauren, come on…we can make this work. It is going to work.” He pulls me back in close to him and tries to kiss me. “Come on, we work; we make sense together.” Jack cups my face and kisses me. “Lauren, you know we do.”
“We don’t make sense if we aren’t living in the same place.” I glance to the side. “And we don’t make sense if you aren’t willing to share with me.”
“Lauren, it’s only been six months. Some people are engaged a lot longer than that before they get married.”
“I’m not some people.” I blink and tears fall down my face. “I don’t want that. I never wanted a long-distance relationship, yet for six months that’s what we’ve had. And we don’t seem to be moving forward at all.”
“Let’s go to my place and talk this out.” Jack releases my face.
“No, I can’t. I can’t, Jack. I’m sorry.” I back up and walk up my parents’ sidewalk. My stomach is turning over and over and I’m a blubbering mess. I rush into the house and up the stairs before anyone can say anything to me.
***
Even though we argued about it, Megan eventually went to Vintage Estates to pick up my grandmother after her brunch. I told everyone I didn’t want to talk about it. But my family is not foolish; they know I’m upset and it has to do with Jack.
I’m not going to cause a drama on Mother’s Day. This day isn’t about me. My flight leaves at four, so I only have a few hours left with my family and I intend on making them count.
With the addition of my grandmother and the twins, we now have to take two cars in order to go somewhere together as a family. My dad is driving the Suburban with everyone except Luke, Aurora, the twins, and me. I’m squeezed in the back seat of my mom’s Camry between the two car seats. To say I’m uncomfortable would be an understatement.
Clay and Terra are staring at me like I’m an alien. I decide to go with it and make goofy faces. Clay is appreciative of them and laughs, but Terra has a skeptical look across her five-month old face.
“You’re a tough crowd.” I tickle her tummy. She doesn’t budge. It’s like she is made of steel. Her big blue eyes are staring up at me and it’s like she is saying, “You can’t break these chains.”
I shake my head. “Where are we going, Luke?” I know my dad will take a secret to his grave, but my brother will spill the second you give him a chance.
“Some live show Dad found. He thought Mom and Grandma would really like it and you know Aurora is always game for anything.” He leans over and open-mouth kisses
her. The smacking noises coupled with the fact that, in this compact car, I am two inches from them is enough to make me want to vomit.
“Where is the place?”
Luke retracts his face from Aurora’s. “I can’t remember. Babe, do you remember?”
“I don’t remember… Baby, you know I can never keep up with all these places your parents take us to.” She reaches over and squeezes his thigh. Her arm does not retract. My eyes do not need to see what I think is happening.
Luke laughs. “I know, baby, you got too much going on in your head as it is.”
Aurora giggles. “Oh, Luke, stop.” She leans over and unbuckles her seat belt. Oh my lawd, please tell me she is not going to get in his lap. Aurora’s mouth grazes Luke’s ear.
“Baby, you better sit down. You know what happened last time.”
“Okay, baby.” Aurora slides back into her seat.
I can only hope that wherever it is we are going is close. I’m not sure how much more of this sexual foreplay between the two of them I can take. I glance at each baby. They are staring up at me, as if they are asking me about all the quandaries of life and I can only focus on one. Jack.
I swallow. Not today. I text Brianna.
“Hey, Monday can you meet after work for drinks?”
“Oh no, that bad?”
I slump my shoulders and bite my lip. I can’t respond or even go into what the level of bad means. I will not cry today. At least not until I am in the comfort and privacy of my own home.
I text back. “Yes or no?”
“Yes, of course. ((HUGS)).”
I take in a deep breath. The car slows and I peer out the window. The neon lights on the building in front of us are enough to require a warning about people experiencing epileptic episodes.
The biggest and by far brightest sign reads: Wild Bill’s Wacky Show and Comfort Food. If it weren’t for the hot pink circle lights with yellow flashing lightning zigzags, I might think comfort food was possible. I could go for some comfort food today. Even surrounded by my family I’m not the least bit at ease. My heart is tearing inside. Walking away from Jack last night was hard, but it felt like the right thing to do at that moment.
Yet, now my thoughts are full of second-guessing and questioning myself about whether or not I overreacted. Should I have held out any longer in this long-distance stagnancy of our relationship? Should I have gone for a drive with him or to his house to try and talk things out? I swallow hard. The lump of sadness in the back of my throat does not clear.
Luke unbuckles Clay from his car seat and places him in his Baby Bjorn. Aurora is not as quick with Terra and I opt for exiting through the left side. I do my best to squeeze out of the tiny space between the base of the car seat and the driver’s seat. I heave myself through like it’s a life or death situation on passing through to the other side.
Luke raises an eyebrow at me. “Maybe you should go with a salad today.”
I roll my eyes at him. “There is like an inch in between the seats. Give me a break.”
“Hey, I’m not saying anything other than a salad.” He shrugs his shoulders. “Might do you so some good.”
I press my lips together. The best way to put an end to this topic is not to speak. I stride over to where my grandmother is climbing out of the Suburban.
“Hi Grandmother, I’m sorry I couldn’t make it earlier.”
“Yes, dear, what was that about?” She squeezes my hand. “Corinne seemed to be really concerned about yours and Jack’s relationship. Is there something wrong?”
I take a deep breath. I don’t want to lie to my grandmother, but I don’t want to have this discussion right now.
“I don’t know, Grandmother.” I point at the sign. “What do you think about this place?” I give her an opportunity to share her thoughts on the restaurant.
“Oh darling, you know at my age, we just take what we can get for out-of-our-element experiences.” We link arms and stride into the building. “Speaking of…Lauren, how is the apple pie planning going?”
I stop for a second. My heart sinks… Every bit of making the apple pie has been with Jack. We’ve shopped for ingredients together, tested out batches together, and… I swallow. “Uh, it’s coming along.” In reality, I’m still not sure if I’ve found the right balance of ingredients to make the pie my own. I still question why my grandmother has challenged me with baking this pie. I am not a baker or really a cook either. I’m pretty hands off in the kitchen unless I’m making popcorn or I’m around Jack.
“Well, dear, the annual Fourth of July pie baking contest is only a couple of months away… You’ll need to be ready.” My grandmother squeezes my hand.
My stomach tightens and my air is constricted in my chest. Ready. Jack was always asking me if I was ready. Now, I’m not sure that I am… I don’t think we are ready or the right people for each other. Not when he doesn’t want to share things with me. And I’m not ready for this pie. My lungs are squeezing tight. I swallow hard… I would hate to fail. “I don’t know, Grandmother, you know…I’m not…maybe they can switch names and Megan can do it?” I pucker my lips together and let out a deep breath.
“Well heaven’s no, we aren’t going to alter a contestant’s entry form. That is shameful.” My grandmother clutches her pearls. “Lauren, I gave you my special apple pie recipe. I want you to participate in the contest.”
“And I appreciate it…but I’m just not sure if I am ready… Maybe this isn’t the right timing.” I swipe some hair behind my ears. “Maybe I should try next year or something?”
“My dear Lauren, all things worth achieving take effort. You wouldn’t have gotten that promotion if you didn’t know this.”
“I know but baking isn’t really my…” I don’t want to insult my grandmother…but baking isn’t my thing. I’m culinarily challenged. I’m not the kind of person who should be entered in a pie baking contest.
“Exactly, Lauren, baking isn’t in your comfort zone. And you’ll find that when you step out of your comfort zone you find the sweetest rewards in life.” My grandmother squeezes my arm.
I can’t help but think we aren’t just talking about the apple pie. Is my grandmother trying to give me relationship advice? Does she know I sort of broke up with him? My insides twist… It’s like a barb wire is wrapping itself around my heart. It hurts so bad. I don’t want to be broken up. But I can’t stay in this long-distance purgatory. And I can’t be with someone who doesn’t open up to me.
You don’t open up often either, says a nagging little voice in my head. It’s been bothering me since I fled Vintage Estates. Am I really just like Jack, so used to doing things alone that I find it hard sharing? I didn’t tell him about Trent until it went too far; I’ve hardly told anyone at work that I’m engaged… But becoming a we doesn’t mean I have to stop being a me. Why didn’t I just talk with him about how I felt, instead of walking away? I swallow hard.
“Lauren, it will all work out.” My grandmother smiles at me. “Remember, a good apple pie is a considerable part of our domestic happiness.”
“Okay, Grandmother, I’ll try.” Maybe she’s right. Maybe baking this pie is symbolic somehow of my being able to accomplish something bigger than myself? I sigh. I hope it’s nothing like the disasters I created in my home economics class.
My dad holds the door open for us to enter the restaurant. Inside the music, if it could be considered that, is a mix between twang country and rap. Cymbals go off every three seconds. I know it’s every three seconds because after the first two times I counted.
An old man dressed like a cowboy gallops towards us on a wooden pony. “Whooaa, Nellie…slow down. We’s got ourselves some cust-to-mers!”
“Did you say custard? You know I can’t stand that general.” The cowboy is using the wooden horse like a dummy.
“Oh now, Nellie, you know Custard is long gone. Buck up.” He pets the horse’s yarn mane and leans down and kisses one of the wood ears, which appears to have been
chipped recently as it is not smooth.
“Ouch, I think I got myself a horse-cut!” The cowboy chuckles.
“Welp, you do need a haircut. Your mamma won’t be proud of those scraggles,” the horse continues.
“That’s enough out of you.” The cowboy takes the reins and tosses the horse into a corner.
“Howdy folks. My name is Wild Bill. Are y’all ready to be entertained?”
Winter and River scream, “Yes!”
My mom giggles. “I think we already are.”
“Well how about that… I bet you are Leia.” He reaches down into a wooden bin and pulls out a big pink cowboy hat and places it on her head. “I hear you’re part of the entertainment today.”
“What?” My mom grasps her chest. “Oh, I couldn’t.”
“Now, darling, you can. Here is a horse for you.” He grabs a different wooden horse and then finds two smaller hats and places them on Winter and River’s heads.
He eyes me. And I shake my head and point at Aurora.
“Now, Clementine, I know you’re not a mamma yet, but your pretty sister-in-law has passed on her performance duties today to you, as she’s got the youngins to tend to.” I eye Aurora.
“Lauren, have fun with it… Don’t worry about me.” Aurora waves her hand in the air.
As if I was worried about her. I mean I am worried about her, but I’m not worried about her being upset about not partaking in whatever is supposed to happen. I’m not a mom. If Aurora doesn’t want to participate it doesn’t mean that I need to fill her place.
“Oh, but what about Megan?” I eye her.
“I’m the camera crew.” She waves her big fancy camera that Brian got her for Christmas. It’s one of those SLRs and I think he managed somehow to install Wi-Fi on it.
I sigh. The cowboy has moved on and found a sparkly rhinestone white cowboy hat and placed it on my grandmother’s head.
“Oh, boy…well I’ll be falling over a bucket of daisies.” He reaches behind him and hits a bell. “Yessiree we have the finest-looking cowgirl to have crossed our doorsteps.”