Dear Delilah (Hudson U)

by T. Bester

  But fear not, I will tell you what to expect and how to make your first time not-so-awkward.

  Which brings me to my the first thing you should know.

  1. It’s awkward. Straight up, is-it-in-yet awkward. With a bit of luck, the person you decide to do this with knows at least a little something — it helps. Trust me.

  2. Your body will naturally know how to prepare for sex, your blood will flow south, your va-jay-jay will widen and it will become wet — this is a GOOD thing. It means you are TURNED ON, and that’s exactly what you want.

  3. Sounds. Yes, there are sounds and I’m not just talking about the heavy breathing, and it might take a while for you to ignore them. This is completely normal too, and the comfortable you get with your body and how it feels during sex, the more certain sounds will actually turn you on.

  4. It can HURT. There’s this useless piece of skin on the inside of your va-jay-jay called the ‘hymen’ and in most cases it tears during first-time sex. It’s not a oh-my-God-I’m-going-to-die kind of pain (if you can survive Day 3 period pains, you can totally handle this!), but it’s not an oh-my-God-let’s-do-that-again kind of sensation either. The good news is, it doesn’t last the entire time and when it’s over, you’re free to carry one your shenanigans.

  5. You might not orgasm. Unfortunately. Because having to go through discomfort during your first time just isn’t enough. But here’s the truth, you may be a little preoccupied with what goes where to focus on getting the right kind of stimulation so not having an orgasm is normal. It will take some time (and practice) to figure out exactly what turns you on and what kills your lady boner. Patience, young one.)

  Now, here are a few things you can do that will help you relax.

  1. For the love of all things Holy, do NOT discuss ALL your plans with your friends. I know you’ll feel inclined, but sometimes they can freak you out, and make you chicken out. Don’t do that.

  2. FOREPLAY. FOREPLAY. FOREPLAY. Write this on your hand if you have to. This will make things way easier and smoother for both of you, especially if your guys is on the larger side. This is also a great way to figure out what you like, and what you don’t like. Personally, I like it when my guy goes down on me first — the sight of him between my legs gets me all hot and bothered, which only makes the sex so much better.

  3. JUST BREATHE. Don’t overthink it. Don’t worry about what he’s going to think of your nipples, or the fact that your va-jay-jay is not completely bare (although I do recommend it, your clit will thank you, and your vag will weep with joy). Be in the moment, no matter how scary.

  4. LISTEN TO YOUR BODY. It knows exactly what to do, even when your mind tells you otherwise. Once you trust yourself enough to let go, the sex can be great!

  5. Make sure that you consent to everything you do before you do it, and if you’re not comfortable, say so. Communication will go a long way in making the experience more enjoyable.

  And remember — you are a beautiful, confident, sexy woman and owning your sexuality is your birthright.

  P.S. Happy coming.

  Xoxo

  Delilah

  18

  SAVANNAH

  NATHAN’S MOUTH moves over mine and I suck on his tongue. I feel hot all over, and the harder he presses me into the bed, the more I want him. After the first, er, second time we had sex, it’s all I’ve been thinking about. And it turns out, when they say that girls don’t think about sex nearly as often as guys do is complete horseshit. Being horny is a real problem, and it’s uncomfortable, more so when you’re a little too shy to ask for it. Huh. I should write about that, how to ask for sex, because I’m sure I’m not the only one who wants to initiate it — constantly — but doesn’t know how. Especially when Nathan hasn’t initiated it since the last time. At first I thought maybe he wasn’t into it anymore, maybe he no longer wanted me, but Zoey assured me I was just conjuring up shit in my head. It might have something to do with Delilah’s newest letter, and the fact that I’ve been considering asking Nathan to help me.

  He pulls away, and when I open my eyes, he; was watching me, the slightest frown between his brows.

  “Where’d you go?” he asks, resting on his forearms.

  “Sorry,” I exhale. “I’m just…” I shake my head, and bite my lip. “Don’t mind me.” I reach up, my hand around his neck, and kiss him. I tighten my legs around his waist, sucking in breath when I feel his hardened cock beneath the soft fabric of his sweats. This time, he stops kissing me, and I blink.

  “Sav…” he presses. “Tell me.”

  I drop my head onto my pillow. “It’s nothing, really. Just…” When he waits me out, I relent. “I have the next letter for the column, and I don’t know how to answer it.” Truth is, every answer I’ve given, every bit of advice I’ve parted with, has come from happenstance and miraculously fallen into my lap. I’d get a question, and somehow, things would fall into place so that I can answer it without having to Google much. Sex on the first date, for example. Someone asked, and I was able to answer without the trauma of looking for answers online. Same goes for what sex feels like for the first time. Zoey and Erin miraculously saved me from having to scour other columns, and gave me enough advice to legitimately write my own.

  “Let me see it,” he says. He moves so that I can get up, and I hand him the letter, waiting while he reads it.

  His smile is wide when he looks up at me, teasing. He folds it up, and drops it onto the floor before standing. “So, what’s the problem?” He closes the space between us, and I arch my neck to look up at him.

  “I’ve never…” I swallow. “I don’t…” My stutter only makes his grin stretch further across his face.

  “And you want me to help you?” He leans down, and brushes his nose over mine, his hands on my hips. I nod, a warmth traveling up my cheeks. “It’s taken you long enough.”

  He lifts me up, and gently places me on the bed.

  “What does that mean?”

  He removes his shirt from over his head. “I’ve been waiting for you to accept my offer.”

  He reaches for the hem of my shirt and I lift my arms. “I don’t get it.”

  He chuckles. “Why do you think we haven’t had sex since our first official date?” His brow lifts, and he waits for me to catch on.

  “You’ve been holding out on me on purpose?” I slap his arm, and he catches my hand, kissing my palm with a laugh. “That’s just mean. I’ve been going crazy.”

  “Me too,” he sighs. “But I knew you’d come to your senses eventually.” He unbuttons my jeans. “And I’m glad you have.”

  “What are you doing?”

  “Helping you, Savannah.”

  “Well…” Nathan pulls my jeans off my legs, and then slowly slides my panties down. “I thought we could talk about it.”

  His mouth twists, and it’s wicked and sinful, and then he lowers himself onto me, brushing his lips across mine. He kisses me, deep, sucking on my tongue, and I hold onto his arms for dear life. My lips part, and I inhale him, the sweet scent of his breath, the way his chest presses into mine. My nipples are hard beneath the demi-cup of my bra, and as if he knows my body, he reaches behind me and unclips it, slipping the straps down my arms until my breasts are bare to him. He works me into a frenzy, his kisses hot, and when he palms my breasts, pulling at the barbells, I arch my back, breathless. He breaks our kiss, and I hold on tighter, not wanting him to stop.

  “You can talk now,” he tells me, helping me move further up the bed, making room for him. “I’m not going to need your mouth for this.”

  I want to protest, but he’s already licking a path between my breasts, down my stomach, between my legs.

  He bends my knees, and parts my legs. When I try to shut them, feeling far too exposed like this, he gives a light shake of his head.

  “Let me see you.”

  He drops his gaze, and I don’t want to look, but I also can’t look away. His nostrils flair, his chest moves with a halted breat
h, and he licks his lips. He drags his hands down the inside of my thighs, and I shiver. Without warning, he pushes his finger through the lips of my sex, and then fingers my entrance, playing with me, taunting me.

  My breath leaves me in whoosh, followed by a harsh intake when Nathan lowers his head, and parts his mouth over me. I’ve thought about it, and every time I imagine him kissing me there I cringe. But now, seeing him do it, watching him, makes me needy (and grateful that Zoey insisted I get a wax a few days earlier).

  “Ohh…” It comes out as a stutter, an almost indecipherable gasp of surprise. “That feels good.”

  His tongue sneaks out, and my body jolts when the tip moves over my clit. But what really gets me going, what really keeps my gaze transfixed on Nathan is the way he kisses my sex — slowly, with absolute intent. He sucks my clit into his mouth, and my leg twitches.

  “Oh wow, that’s…” He does this thing where he gives a slight shake of his head, and I feel the pull in my belly. “Ahhh…”

  When he lets up, he looks up at me, his eyes hooded and dark, the silver of his pupils a molten grey. “Now, talk. Tell me what feels good.”

  My breathing is heavy, but I try muster up enough coherency to tell him. But fuck, it’s hard because my brain is muddled with want and a complete, unadulterated craving to have his mouth back on me.

  “Keep doing that,” I whisper. “What you were just doing.”

  He does just so, watching me, watching him. I nod, frazzled. “That.” My legs shake. “God, keep doing that.”

  I breath out, and clutch at the comforter, my orgasm building like a slow simmer, my blood racing through my veins. He sucks, swirling his tongue over my clit, and I grab his hair, holding him between my legs.

  “Oh sweet baby jesus.” Nathan’s eyes clash with mine and with one last draw on my flesh, my orgasm hits me. My body contracts, my toes curl, and my eyes roll back until I’m seeing stars dancing behind my eyes lids. “Oh, shit, Nathan!” I cry out. Nathan licks and I try to pull his head away. “God, stop, stop, stop, I can't-" I shake my head, and feel another wave rock through me util I’m sucking in lungfuls of air. I feel him move up, kissing my belly, my breasts, my neck.

  “So, how’d I do?” His breath hits my face.

  I mumble incoherent nothings, my heart beating in my ears. God, no wonder girls want their guys to do that right — it’s pretty fucking fantastic.

  Nathan chuckles. “Yeah, I’m pretty fucking fantastic.”

  When I finally open my eyes, he’s hovering over me, the worlds most smug grin on his face. Bastard. Not that I’m complaining.

  “Meh,” I shrug. “You’re okay, I think I’ll keep you.”

  “WHY DON’T YOU think about changing your major to journalism next semester?” suggests Zoey. Her wrist flicks this way and that as she paints, her colors lashing across the canvas in bold strokes. “I mean, if you like writing the column, and you like doing the research,” she places emphasis on the word ‘research’ and winks, a teasing glint in her eye, “then maybe you should consider taking it more seriously.”

  The research she’s referring to, of course, is the actual research, the online kind and not the kind I’ve been doing with Nathan. But I still blush, knowing that she’s teasing me for good reason - I kind of told her Nathan was ‘helping’ me after he left, and only because she saw my post-orgasm flush.

  “I’ve thought about it,” I tell her from my place on the floor. “I’m still not sure though. The column is only now getting a steady flow of readers, and the letters are starting to increase, but I’m not sure I’d be any good at writing about other things.”

  “Then you should try,” she replies. She leans back, bites on the end of her brush, and then carries on, her brows drawn low in concentration. “You have a campus of horny college students at your disposal, and a list of social issues they have to deal with like same sex relationships, one-night-stands that end badly, and how to recover when you bang your best friend. Hell, you can even talk about how at least one in every five female students is pregnant, yet there’s no healthcare facility on campus where they can get medical attention, or advice about alternatives.”

  “Nathan suggested I write about my own topics, too.” I sigh. “But I have no idea what I’d even write about, Zo.”

  “You can write about what it means to be sex-positive in a society that still has a primary Patriarchal mindset, or how a girl doesn’t know the first thing about self-love because she’s always being told she’s not skinny enough, or not pretty enough. That kind of stuff.”

  “I’m not a journalist, Zoey, and the only reason I started answering the letters is because Toby all but threw it at me. I still feel like I have no idea what I’m doing, even with help.”

  Zoey snorts. “I get that the ‘help’ is beneficial to your writing, but there are other ways to liberate girls than simply through the act of sex. So far, the responses to your letters have been great, I read them every week, but don’t you want to do more?“

  “I don’t know,” I reply honestly. “I want girls to read my letters and take something away from it, but you called me a ‘sex columnist’ and that’s not really what I am.”

  “Then let me ask you this, when you’re doing actual research for your letters, and not the kind where you do my brother for research, do you enjoy it? Do you yourself resonate with the hundreds of women all over the world who fear their own sexuality, or the idiotic expectations that are placed on us to do things in order, like get married at twenty-one, pop a baby at twenty-five and be the perfect wife and mother all the time? Because if you do, then I think the column is the perfect opportunity for you to address those things, and really do something worthwhile. You might even find that you like it.”

  When I don’t respond, Zoey adds, “Do yourself a favor and at least think about it, okay?”

  I nod, and then let out a huff of laughter. “This is why you should be Delilah.”

  “And deny you the opportunity to bang my brother every week? I don’t think so,” she giggles. “Besides, I think once you’ve gotten into it, you’ll find what you love.” She exhales, and frowns. “And I don’t mean having sex with Nathan, I think you already love that.”

  I open my mouth, and I’m sure if I were to actually see my own reflection, my face would be redder than a peppadew, never mind a tomato, but when I have no rebuttal, I snap it closed.

  “Don’t be embarrassed,” laughs Zoey. “I’m getting used to it, and hey, at least one of us is gettin’ some.”

  It’s only later that night, when I’m alone in bed, working on the next letter that I give credence to what Zoey said. I like answering the letters, even if it’s taking me some time to be completely comfortable with writing about my own experiences, but I can’t deny that I’ve also enjoyed reading other girls’ stories. There’s a side to female sexuality that interests me, particularly why we fear our own bodies and allowing ourselves to just let go and be in the moment, why we tend to attach so much more to sex than is really necessary. I set out to become a voice for the girls who wrote in for advice, but maybe what I’m really looking for is my own voice.

  ____________________________________________________

  Dear Abby

  Oral sex is one of those beguiling things, and unless you’re completely honest with your guy, you’ll never enjoy it. A lot of girls are intimated by it, and until my first experience, I was too. But, you don’t have to despair - I have a few tips that can help you both make the most of it.

  1. TRUST. I cannot stress this enough. Whether you’re with someone you’re in a committed relationship with, or just fooling around, make sure you TRUST the person you’re with. Make sure you’re doing it because you want to, and not because you feel pressured. Your body is YOURS. Always remember that, and respect it.

  2. Make sure you’re in a situation that you’re comfortable in, and feel safe in.

  3. Leave your insecurities at the door. You can’t immerse yourself in the mom
ent if you’re worried about what your partner is thinking about your nether regions. Be comfortable in your body, in your sexuality, and in your divine right to express both those things in a way that makes you feel good about yourself.

  4. If he doesn’t want to go down on you, he won’t. It’s that simple.

  And 5. COMMUNICATE. Your partner won’t know what makes you feel good unless you tell him. Take the time to learn what does it for you and what doesn’t, and don’t be afraid to communicate those things. It’s not always easy. The first time my guy went down on me I was terrified, and nervous, and all I could think was ‘oh my God, I hope my cooter doesn’t smell’. But it was also one of my most empowering moments, when I could openly ask him to do something that made me crazy. And don’t get me started on the orgasm — it’s mind-blowing, and if done right, your toes will curl, your heart will race and for those few seconds, you’ll feel like you’re floating outside of your own body. You deserve that.

  Xoxo

  Delilah

  ________________________________________________