Just Perfection

by Heather Guimond

  Marina’s grip on him loosened, and he partially slid down her body. “What’s wrong with him?” she asked.

  I immediately stood up and took him from her. I sat him back on the floor and stood to face her again. “I’m sorry, Marina. Sammy doesn’t react well to strangers, and he’s not big on cuddling. Don’t take it personally.”

  Her eyes a narrowed at me, but she nodded her head.

  “That’s true, Marina,” Justin agreed. “Just let him get to know you slowly. He’s a little bashful.”

  Perhaps he’s just a good judge of character, I thought grumpily, then sat back down in front of Sammy, trying to engage him in the ball again to stop his crying. He eventually settled down, but it looked like our little game was over since he scooted away.

  I got up and turned on the TV, putting it on a children’s cartoon station. He had been cruising for about a month at that point, so he was easily able to climb up on the sofa. He glued his eyes to the screen while he flapped his arms in excitement.

  “Oh look,” Marina said, giggling. “He looks like a little bird. Why is he doing that?”

  Justin chuckled and replied, “That’s what he does when he gets excited.” He looked at the TV. “Oh, it’s that cartoon about a talking parrot. It’s one of his favorites.”

  Realizing no one had actually introduced me, I smiled and put out my hand. “Hi, I’m Mimi, by the way. Justin and Sammy’s, uh, roommate.”

  She gave me a limp-wristed hand shake. You know the kind where the person basically pinches your palm rather than clasping your whole hand.

  “Pleasure to meet you, Mimi,” she replied, but I could tell by the look on her face she thought it was anything but.

  Justin invited her to sit down, and she took the arm chair adjacent to the sofa, while Justin sat down next to Sammy. I took a place on the other side of him and settled in to observe them interact.

  “So, what shall we do today?” she asked Justin. “Perhaps Sammy would be happier outside, getting some fresh air?”

  “I’m afraid we’re stuck here until the show is over. He’ll scream again if we try to pull him away,” he said with another laugh. “We learned that lesson the hard way.”

  I laughed, too. “Boy, did we ever.” I looked at Justin with a smirk he returned. I could tell we were both remembering the time were late to his pediatrician appointment because Sammy screamed so loud when we tried to get him ready to go.

  “Well, you have to show him who’s boss,” Marina said knowingly. “You can’t let kids be in charge, or you’ll set them up for a lifetime of thinking they’re running the show.”

  “Oh, do you have kids, too?” I asked.

  “God, no,” she replied instantly, which gained her a frown from me. “I mean, I’m still just so young. I have plenty of time to have kids.”

  I simply replied, “I see.”

  Justin piped up, “Marina is only twenty-six.”

  “Yes, then there’s plenty of time.”

  “What do you do, Mimi?” she asked.

  “Right now, I’m busy taking care of Sammy while Justin works. I’ll be returning to school soon. I was taking a certificate course in Fundraising recently.”

  “Oh, yes. I forgot about your, um, difficulties last year,” she said flippantly.

  Well, wasn’t she tactful? I cut my eyes over to Justin, who looked embarrassed.

  “Mimi has been great to us both. She handles just about everything around here. I’d have been lost this year without her.”

  “I’ll bet now Justin is accustomed to being a dad, you’re looking forward to getting back home and away from diaper duty, huh?” she said with another giggle.

  I didn’t know which I found more insulting, her comment about me getting out of Justin’s house or that I’d be excited to leave Sammy over a few poopy diapers. I wanted to argue, but smiled politely instead. An awkward silence fell over the room. I stroked Sammy’s hair as he watched TV which, surprisingly, he permitted.

  Marina tried to get his attention. “Sammy,” she called. “Sammy, wouldn’t you like to go with us and play with the other kids at the park?”

  Sammy didn’t react at all. He just kept watching his cartoon.

  She looked over at Justin. “I don’t think he likes me very much.”

  “Just give it time, Marina. I explained he doesn’t take to strangers easily. He’ll eventually come around.”

  “Oh,” she said, her face falling.

  She leaned back in her chair, pouting. Suddenly she brightened. “Mimi, why don’t you excuse us? Maybe he’ll be more receptive without you here.”

  That’s awfully rude, I thought, but nodded. “Okay, maybe you’re right. I’ll run out to the store and get a few things. We’re low on some baby supplies, anyway.” I leaned down to give Sammy a kiss on the head. “I’ll be back in about an hour, Justin. It was nice to meet you, Marina.”

  Justin grabbed my hand and gave it a reassuring squeeze. “Thanks, Mimi. Just let me know what I owe you when you get back.”

  Since when did he shoulder all the expenses? I wasn’t the babysitter. I gave him a puzzled look and left the room.

  I fumed all the way to the baby store. I felt like I’d been kicked out of my own home, no longer welcome. It may have been Justin’s house, but I’d never felt like I was anyone but family.

  I sighed to myself. I had to accept things were changing. It was a slow distancing of me from their lives, and I needed to get used to it, quickly. I wasn’t convinced she was stepmother material though with the way she’d reacted to Sammy and her advice on how to treat him.

  I spent an hour and a half grabbing essential supplies—diapers, wipes, baby bath, and picking up a zillion toys and outfits I thought he’d look cute in. I wanted to get back to Sammy, but I was in no hurry to see Marina and Justin together again. It cut to the bone.

  When I returned, she was gone. Justin was in the kitchen, fixing Sammy’s lunch while Sammy was searching, pulling items out of the toy box.

  I dropped my bags on the kitchen counter. “So, how did it go?” I asked.

  Justin pulled some fish sticks out of the oven to cool before looking at me with a sigh.

  “She didn’t stay too long after you left. Sammy was more interested in TV and Snowflake than letting her pay attention to him. She tried to pick him up again, thinking he’d react better with you gone, but he threw a major fit. It took a long time to get him settled back down. I’m afraid it’s driven her off.”

  Inside, I was hoping this was true. Instead, I said, “I’m sure she felt awkward. She won’t walk away after one disappointing meeting.”

  “She wasn’t too excited about me asking her to leave. She thought the park would work out better. I promised we’d go next time to see if it does.”

  “I’m sure it will,” I said, knowing full well it wouldn’t. I unpacked the bags and brought Sammy his new toys. I put them down in front of him, and he proceeded to line them up in a straight row in front of him. He stared at them and then grabbed a few of his other toys and lined them up with the new ones. Sammy didn’t get excited over stuff like that. He took it all in stride. He was far more attached to his ‘pet’ mouse. It never stopped me from buying more than he needed though.

  Unsure what to do with myself, I settled down on the sofa to watch him play. I was soon lost in thoughts of leaving him. It would break my heart, but I couldn’t see any other way around it. Justin was ready to get on with his life. I obviously didn’t figure prominently in that plan. At least not the way I wanted to.

  “Lunch is ready, Sammy,” Justin called from the dining room. I walked over to him and repeated Justin’s words.

  “Come on Sammy, let’s go eat.” I put out my hand and waited for him to grab it. When he was playing, it was sometimes hard to get him to stop. I had learned I couldn’t force it without him having a meltdown, but if I patiently waited for him to take my hand, he was much more agreeable.

  Sammy pulled himself up on my leg, and I to
ok his hand in mine. I led him over to his high chair and put him in it. I smiled to myself when he didn’t protest me picking him up. If only Marina had seen that. I knew I was being childish, but I really didn’t want to like her. I went into the kitchen to prepare my own lunch while Justin sat with Sammy to make sure he didn’t throw his food around as he sometimes did.

  The rest of the afternoon passed uneventfully. I ended up taking a nap since I hadn’t been sleeping well. It didn’t come easily, but eventually, I drifted off. When I woke up, I felt no better than I did before. I decided I should get out of the house for the evening. Maybe the girls would be interested in having dinner or something. I didn’t do it often since the temptation to have a drink while I was with them was always present. A lot of our gatherings in the past, besides brunch, involved alcohol. I didn’t want to put myself in a dangerous situation, but I also didn’t want to ruin their good time. None of them had issues with drinking as far as I knew, and we’d always enjoyed getting together for a few.

  I ended up calling Liz. She was the most laid back of us all and a good listener. I needed someone to talk to about all the feelings I was having. Fortunately, she had no plans and was delighted to meet me. We chose a small, quiet restaurant, one we didn’t frequent as a group. It had a nice ambience and didn’t remind me of other times we spent laughing and drinking together

  After ordering our food, Liz looked at me. “So, what’s going on? I can tell something’s eating at you.”

  I began to explain everything about Justin and Marina, and my fears about having to move back home.

  “Do you worry about not being able to trust yourself if you’re back on your own? Do you think you’ll fall into old habits?” she asked.

  “I’m sure there’s a little of that, but honestly Liz, I have been way too happy the last year playing mom to Sammy…”

  “And wife to Justin,” she finished. When I looked at her with a shocked expression, she continued, “C’mon, Mimi. Be honest. That’s exactly what you’ve been doing, minus the sex part. You’ve taken care of everything for the both and allowed them to be together. You’ve given Justin time to bond with his child, instead of being stressed out over how to care for him on his own. Maybe it’s time you begin to separate yourself and look for something else as rewarding for your life.”

  “That idea scares the shit out of me,” I replied.

  “Again, do you think that’s because being alone might be a trigger for you?”

  “I suppose that’s always going to be a fear, but mostly Liz, if I’m honest with myself, I’m in love with Justin.”

  “We’ve all been waiting for you to realize it,” she nodded as if this were not news to her. “Tell me why you feel that way, now.”

  I could feel my face soften as I thought of Justin and his son together. “I watch him with Sammy and my heart melts. I look at him and feel such powerful feelings. He has always been there to watch out for me, and I get so much satisfaction giving back to him, finally. He’s always appreciative, and you know he’s always treated me like I was special to him.”

  “You’ve always had affection for him, Mimi. How is this different?”

  “I don’t know. Everything is so natural between us. I don’t have to work hard to communicate with him, we’re always in sync. Life with them is so satisfying to me. I feel at home, I feel needed, I feel love from them both. It’s like we were always a little family. Truthfully, I haven’t felt this content since the first year of my marriage to Vance. Obviously, it’s not the same since I don’t have the obsessive feelings I did for Vance. This is more like being wrapped up safe and sound in a warm blanket on a cold day. Then, there’s the fact I get all hot and bothered every time he looks at me a certain way.”

  “Have you talked to him about any of this?” she asked.

  “No, of course not. I don’t want to disrupt him getting on with his life. I don’t think he has the same feelings for me, anymore. I missed my chance or destroyed it after the huge mess I made of both of our lives.”

  “If he ever truly loved you, I don’t think those feelings would go away, especially after you’ve been basically mothering his child and taking care of him while you’re at it. It seems to me that would only cause them to grow.”

  “I don’t get that sense. Besides, how could I possibly deserve for him to still love me after I chose James over him? That alone should be enough to turn him away.”

  “It didn’t then, though. Did it? How is that a factor now? Hell, Mimi, he even kicked the shit out of the guy for you.”

  “I don’t know. He’s been so platonic.”

  “That’s not true at all. I’ve been over to the house. I’ve seen how affectionate you are together. If you’d have asked me before this Marina stuff, I would have said he was still very much in love with you.”

  “We’ve always been affectionate. We used to cuddle up all the time when we had pizza and beer nights.”

  “Don’t you think he was willing to take whatever you offered him?” she asked pointedly. “My advice is to talk to him, and see where you stand, rather than brewing your feelings over in your head and assuming there’s no chance here. You can’t read his mind.”

  “I think him dating again is a big sign, don’t you?”

  “Maybe he thinks he doesn’t have a chance with you? If you’ve never given him any signals your feelings have grown, maybe he’s given up hope,” she said as our food arrived.

  After thinking about it while taking a few bites of our food, I replied, “He always said he wouldn’t give up, he would pursue me as long as he felt he there was a possibility for us. I think after what he told me what happened with his old girlfriend, Elise, he probably considers me too big a risk now and doesn’t want to find himself in that situation again.”

  “I think he backed off because you needed the last year to heal. He had to know trying to start a relationship with you during your recovery was a bad idea. You couldn’t possibly have been ready for anything until you got stronger. Now you are, and you’re feeling the feelings you probably already had for him. Personally, I always thought you chose James out of fear. It was easier. There were no memories of Vance, therefore, you couldn’t feel like you were betraying him. You also weren’t risking a deep friendship. There was no fear you might lose James from your life entirely if things didn’t work out, the way you felt with Justin.”

  “Maybe,” I said.

  “The only way you’re going to find out anything is to talk to him.”

  “What if he thinks I only feel this way because of Marina? What if he thinks I’m jealous someone is occupying his time?”

  “Do you think that’s what it is?”

  “I don’t think so. Yes, when he agreed to go out on that first date with her, I felt jealous and worried it could change my life, but I didn’t really start to feel threatened until it seemed to be getting more serious between them,” I said thoughtfully. “I think the feelings grew without me being completely tapped into them. I guess that’s what I get for not practicing my self-awareness techniques. But again, it was so subtle. It happened over time, not like a sudden bolt of lightning.”

  “That’s how most love develops, Mimi. People date and their feelings grow. Your situation is a little different, but not by much. Yes, you live together, but when you could get a babysitter, didn’t you two usually go out together? Those were dates.”

  “You don’t think it was because we get along so well?”

  “Why do you think people date in the first place?” she asked.

  I huffed out a breath and just sat there. Liz’ counsel was helpful, it was nice to get everything off my chest, but I needed to think about everything she said before I could make up my mind. The idea of telling Justin scared the hell out of me. What if he didn’t take it well? Wouldn’t that hasten my departure from his and Sammy’s everyday life? I didn’t want that, but I didn’t see how we could continue to live together if he knew how I felt but wanted to keep seeing
Marina. He wasn’t the kind of guy who would rub it in my face, and he’d be very concerned about me feeling that way. James’ reentry into my life should have also figured prominently, but I hadn’t agreed to be anything more than friends. No matter what that meant, I’d have to go back home.

  Liz and I finished our meal, chatting about more mundane topics. She’d been seeing a new guy, but wasn’t overly excited by him. She enjoyed his company. She pointed out she was still going to see if anything developed out of it, reminding me most relationships didn’t begin the way mine did with Vance. I took the hint and promised to give the subject more thought. I never told her about James although I wasn’t sure why I didn’t. Liz was never the type to judge anyone, and under normal circumstances, I would’ve had no hesitation to share. I pondered it briefly on the way home, but didn’t come up with any hard and fast conclusions. Instead, I focused on Liz’ advice and wondered if I could follow through with it.

  Chapter Six

  Sunday came and with it my ‘date’ with James. Justin had left early that morning to meet with Marina for some sort of all-day date. I tried not to let my imagination run wild, but again visions of them simply checking into a hotel and enjoying all sorts of hot and dirty sex filled my mind. I slapped myself in the face and pushed it firmly from my mind. James. I should focus on James. It would hardly be fair to him to be distracted all afternoon while I pictured Justin and Marina burning through the positions in the Kama Sutra in one day.

  The doorbell rang right at twelve o’clock. I had arranged to meet James at my house because I didn’t think Justin would appreciate having him in his home, what with having beaten the holy hell out of him the last time they met. Even though he wasn’t home, I thought it was only respectful to keep James away. When I opened the door, James’ best shit-eating grin greeted me. He had that mischievous look in his eyes that used to dazzle me every time, but now, I didn’t feel much of anything.

  “Hey Kitten! You ready for a fun afternoon filled with mayhem and adventure?”