Just Perfection

by Heather Guimond

  “Not at all,” I said as I shut the faucet off. “Now get moving.”

  Within an hour, we were ready to go. I felt the giddy sort of excitement which comes from doing something so spontaneous and from the proposition I would again be spending real time alone with Justin. I didn’t know what might happen, I only had a sense the possibilities were wide open which was a good distance from the pessimistic thoughts I’d had during dinner the night before. For his part, Justin seemed to be in a very good mood himself. I wouldn’t say he was bouncing on the balls of his feet like I nearly was, but he did seem to be happy.

  We wasted no time throwing together a small lunch of tuna salad and crackers. I prepared a large thermos of lemonade and grabbed a few bottles of water to take with us. Soon, we were standing there looking at each other, trying to decide if we’d left out any essential items. Coming up with nothing, Justin grabbed my hand and literally dragged me out to his bike.

  We decided to head north along the coast. Nothing could compare to a drive along Pacific Coast Highway on a sunny, warm afternoon, except for a ride on a motorcycle. Feeling the cool wind rush along my skin while the sun’s rays sparkled around me keeping me comfortably warm was the most invigorating and enlivening experience. Few things compare to the utter sense of freedom I felt on the back of a motorcycle on a beautiful day.

  Though I’d spent my whole life in Southern California near its beaches, the sheer beauty of the waves rolling against the sandy shore never failed to impress me. I inhaled deeply, drawing in the clean, briny scent of the sea air. I chuckled to myself as I recalled the first time I ever went to the beach and how startled I was by the fact everything smelled like fish. I’d thought it was horrid. Now, nearly three decades later, I thought it was one of the greatest natural scents on Earth. I leaned into Justin’s back, wanting desperately to lay my head on his shoulder as I soaked in the atmosphere surrounding us, but knowing if I even tried, we’d knock helmets. That would be a bad thing. With a deep sigh, I simply rested my chin between his shoulder blades and enjoyed the landscape surrounding us.

  After nearly an hour and a half, we decided to stop at a small beach in Ventura which had a popular park where people from all over the small coastal town came to relax and have fun. I had secretly hoped for a place a little more intimate, but given it was mid-morning on a weekday, it wasn’t terribly busy.

  We meandered through the park, walking its trails until we found a nice grassy spot near a picnic area, not too far from the beach itself. I gasped, thinking in our mutual haste, we’d forgotten to bring something to sit on. Justin seemed to know exactly what I was thinking because he reached for the backpack that held our lunch which he’d strapped to me before we took off.

  “I know that look on your face, Peaches, but not to worry. I am the master of planning shit, even on short notice.”

  “Since when?” I asked playfully. “I seem to recall one very unprepared Dad when Sammy was born.”

  He gave me a withering look and said, “You know that was an unusual case. No one is prepared for a child, no matter how much they plan.”

  “As I recall, you didn’t plan anything at all.”

  “You can stop right there. Sammy is the one exception in a whole lifetime of being primed for any situation.”

  “Mmhmm. If you say so.”

  “I do. Now hush your pretty little mouth,” he said as he began to hand me the contents of the pack. As I was juggling the plastic-wear which contained our lunch and the thermos, he pulled a small blanket from the depths of the bag.

  “It’s a little small, but I think we can manage,” he said as he unfolded the cloth. Small was right. It looked like it had come straight off Sammy’s new toddler bed, minus the Elmo print. It was a dark charcoal color and looked well-worn and soft.

  Justin spread the blanket on the ground with a flourish, then sat down on the edge and reached for the things I was holding, so I could easily sit. After some ham-handed shuffling of the containers, I was able lower myself onto the blanket. I had a moment’s hesitation, wondering how close I should get, then realized I was being silly. Even when my relationship with Justin was strictly platonic, before it got so complicated, he and I would snuggle for hours while watching movies. There was no need now to keep my distance even if I did feel a little awkward. Seizing the moment, I settled myself right next to him, thigh to thigh. Of course, a tingling in my skin began where our legs met and quickly spread throughout my entire body until I was humming with awareness. My awkward feeling increased—how could I possibly carry on normally when I felt like I was holding onto a live wire? God, if he reached out and touched me, I’d fry.

  I nearly gasped aloud when he leaned and whispered in my ear, “Do you feel that?”

  I swallowed hard, excited and nervous, knowing he was affected, too. I nodded rapidly and stiffly while sucking in a deep breath.

  “It’s the feeling of freedom!” he exclaimed. “Don’t get me wrong, I miss Sammy, but knowing he’s in good hands, and I’m out here with no responsibilities looming over my head, I feel like I could do anything.”

  My heart sank a little. Not realizing it, in that split second, I had pinned my hopes on the thought he was feeling the same way I was. I managed to mutter a not-so enthusiastic, “Yeah. That’s for sure.”

  Justin leaned over and bumped his shoulder against mine. I turned my head to look at him, and he gave me one of his slow grins, then winked. Before I could blink, he leaned in and gave me a soft, but quick kiss on my lips. My eyes must have grown to the size of saucers because he tried and failed to stifle a laugh. I punched him in the shoulder which only made him laugh more.

  “Don’t be an ass,” I grumbled.

  “I can’t help it, Peaches. Sometimes, you are too cute.”

  “Whatever,” I muttered again, shaking my head as I reached for the container of crackers. I pulled it open and quickly stuffed one in my mouth—I seemed to be doing that a lot lately, shoving food into my mouth when I didn’t know what to say or do—while I thought of a way to change the subject. Justin looked at me with that sparkle dancing in his eye as he reached in and took a cracker for himself. Grabbing a bottle of water, I opened it and took a large swig. I was trying to create a distraction, but I only made matters worse when I managed to spill what seemed like half the bottle down the front of my shirt.

  Justin hooted with laughter that time. “I see you still have a drinking problem,” he joked as he reached for a few of the napkins I’d packed. He began to dab at my chest, his enjoyment at my clumsiness evident. I grabbed the wad of damp napkins from his hand and threw them at him. I gave up. It was clear no matter what I tried to do, I was going to well and truly botch it, so I might as well give in and resign myself to looking like a fool all day long. At least that way, I wouldn’t be stressed out from trying to be poised and confident. I guess I’d forgotten who I was. No matter how far I’d come, no matter how many years had gone by, I was still completely graceless when I was around a hot man, even if he was my best friend in the whole world.

  I set the tub of crackers aside and leaned back onto my hands, stretching my legs out in front of me. I wanted to communicate with Justin, to get this uncertainty of where we stood out of my head. I wanted to be able to be natural around him again rather than second-guessing myself or hoping for something that may not be possible anymore. Unsure as to how to initiate such a deep conversation, I tapped my toes back and forth against each other, closed my eyes and tilted my face toward the sun. I took in a deep breath, then blew it out slowly. I was going to have to ride it out like a big girl.

  “What’s on your mind, Mimi?” I heard Justin ask.

  I turned my head toward him and cracked one eye open. “I’m trying to follow your lead and embrace the freedom.”

  With a wide grin and an approving nod, Justin laid back and stretched out his fine form across the blanket. I groaned inwardly. It would have been funny—this big burly man with his head and shoulders, his feet and ha
lf his lower legs extending beyond the perimeter of the tiny blanket—but all I could see was how his t-shirt stretched across his perfect torso and how the worn denim of his jeans seemed to lovingly envelop those well-muscled thighs. I kept my eyes moving, lest they come to rest on any one particular spot. I’d be sure to get caught if I stared for any length of time. To make things at least a little easier on myself, I laid back in the grass too. That way his glorious body was out of my line of sight. I could stare up at the sky for the remainder of the afternoon. Yeah, that was a good plan. I couldn’t embarrass myself by cloud watching. Could I?

  “Now this is what I’m talking about, Peaches. Some time to relax, enjoy the day doing nothing. We don’t even have to think, which I know you do entirely too much of.”

  I felt him reach over and take my hand. I fought the urge to bolt upright and demand answers about what was going on. I reminded myself of my decision a few moments before to let the day unfold as it would. I couldn’t help it though. I’d spent so much time sitting on the sidelines of Justin’s intimate world, I desperately wanted to know how to interpret these gestures.

  “See, you’re doing it right now,” Justin observed as he rolled to his side and propped his head up with his hand. “That mind of yours never slows down, does it?”

  “No, I suppose it doesn’t,” I sighed loudly. “I’ve tried to relax, but I don’t seem to be able to since I got out of rehab. The yoga helps a little, mostly only for the time I’m in class though. Once I step out of the studio, the world and all of my little worries and obsessions creep right back in.” I turned my head to look into his eyes. “I don’t know what I’m doing, Justin. While I love my day-to-day life with you and Sammy, if I stop to think about it, I realize there should be more.”

  Justin nodded, then pulled his hand from mine and placed it on my abdomen. The tingles went into overdrive. He leaned in, putting his face close to mine and whispered, “Peaches, I know what’s eating at you and trust me, there’s no rush. Years have already gone by and look at us. We’re right here, enjoying this beautiful day together. Don’t you think that means something?”

  I blinked once, not entirely sure I was comprehending what he was saying. I mean I thought I did, but he was skirting just outside the lines of directly telling me we still had some kind of future. I couldn’t take the uncertainty and my insecurity anymore. I had to pin him down as unromantic as it may have been.

  “Justin, what are you saying? I feel like I get what you mean, but I don’t want to assume anything and be wrong.”

  Rather than respond, Justin leaned forward and pressed his lips to mine. The hand on my abdomen began to stroke softly back and forth, soothing my insecurity. Any doubt I’d had a heartbeat before was gone. Justin still wanted me.

  I couldn’t help myself. The yearning I’d felt for so long took over, and I slid my hand behind his head and caressed the stubbly skin of his scalp. The short hairs tickled my palm, making me want to giggle in elation. I shivered slightly when Justin moved over me, his chest pressed lightly to mine. He pulled me into the cage of his arms and then gave me a kiss like the first one he’d ever given me—the kind which made my toes curl and insides liquefy. He kissed me long and slow, deliberately teasing my lips before slipping his tongue into my mouth and gently coaxing mine to dance with his. Soon both of my arms were wrapped around him, my hands caressing and squeezing the muscles of his back. His body had always been incredible, but taking the moment to appreciate every fine detail of each curve through the thin cotton of his shirt only increased my appreciation of its perfection, tenfold. There was so much power contained in those shoulders. Each shift of his body caused them to tense or flex, and I couldn’t get enough of the feeling. Hell, it made me want to feel him everywhere. Just when my urges were about to get the better of me and make my hands go on a full-throttle exploration of other areas, he pulled back to look at me again. He studied my face for a moment, then smiled at me.

  “Does that make things clear enough for you, Peaches?”

  Finally feeling more sure-footed, I smiled back at him impishly.

  “No, Justin. I don’t think so. I think you might have to try a little harder… and for a lot longer,” I said before pulling his lips back to mine.

  We spent the afternoon lounging. With only a few words—and some scorching lip-action—I was once again perfectly at ease with Justin. Though we’d had our previous false start before, the wrinkle of James’ entrance into my life had prevented us from ever being perfectly comfortable with it. Now, the road before us seemed obstacle-free. No James, no Delia, no Marina. I suddenly had real hope rather than that wistful ‘if only’ feeling I’d been carrying around with me for months. At that moment, I don’t think I’d ever been happier, except that heady first year with Vance. That was something entirely different though. I had been young, inexperienced, and completely unaware of the beating life could give me. Back then, I’d had little cause to question myself or Vance. Several years and my own share of heartache later, this experience felt more tangible to me. That was the difference; my life with Vance had always held a surreal quality. I would never say it was anything less than magical and one of the greatest blessings of my life, but with Justin… we were rooted in reality. We had been through so many difficult things together—the loss of a husband and best friend, our halted relationship, Delia’s terrorism, my self-destruction, learning to parent together, caring for a special-needs child and fighting to keep him—it all amounted to a shared history Vance and I never had. I’m certain, had he lived, we would have experienced our share of difficulties together which would have cemented our relationship deeper, but he didn’t. For that reason alone, he would forever be one of the mysteries of my life. That wonderful, enchanting thing which happened to me once upon a time.

  At some point, we broke to eat our little lunch and share some lemonade. We laughed over silly things, talked about Sammy a lot and reminisced over some of our favorite memories. I was in no hurry to go anywhere after we finished eating. I wanted to linger, to spend the day in each other’s arms in the warm, beautiful sunshine, away from all our responsibilities. Unfortunately, we had to get back to the real world and all it held for us. At least I could go back with a new outlook.

  Our ride back down the coast to Los Angeles was even more wonderful than the ride to Ventura. I snuggled as close to Justin as humanly possible, wishing even more than I had before that I could lean forward and whisper in his ear. I wasn’t sure what I’d say at this point, but I craved to have that kind of intimacy lovers have. I didn’t know when or where we might become lovers in the physical sense. The time we’d spent together that afternoon hadn’t been a frenzy of passion, although there was some of that. If I had to describe it, I’d say we simply savored every touch and sensation. It had been far too long since we had been so close, I wasn’t about to miss a second of it without breathing him in deeply and letting it captivate me in a way I never had before.

  It was early evening when we arrived home, and the sun was starting to wane. The sky had those brilliant orange streaks and what clouds there were, were silver-lined. I wished I could take another leisurely hour to watch the colors change, for the remaining blue to bleed into violet and finally, the deep indigo of nightfall. I made a mental note to suggest Justin and I ride out to the high desert one night where there was little light pollution to obscure the brilliance of the stars. What could be more romantic than doing what we did today, but under a blanket of a glittering night sky?

  I sighed softly, then looked around the house. It wasn’t as orderly as I usually kept it, what with having been away all day. I took a step to start putting things to right, but then decided it could wait until the morning. I wanted to keep the lazy and relaxed feeling I had going throughout the night. I decided takeout was the best option for dinner. If all went well, Justin and I could snuggle and watch TV.

  Justin had taken off to get Sammy shortly after we’d arrived, so I wandered back to Justin’s ro
om to steal some comfortable clothes. I thought I smelled slightly fishy from the sea air, so I had a shower, too. I took my time, luxuriating under the hot water, and liberally lathering myself with Justin’s spring-scented soap. I meticulously shaved my legs until they were perfectly smooth, giggling to myself as I imagined Justin’s reaction when he figured out I had used his razor.

  When I returned to the living room with damp hair and a light heart, I found Justin and Sammy lounging on the floor with Snowflake. Specifically, Snowflake was stretched out on her side and Justin and Sammy were laying with their heads resting on her torso. Justin was reading a book to Sammy and surprisingly, Sammy seemed interested in the story. Typically, he would sit and do what he normally did with toys, arrange them into an even line. The sight of him so relaxed and engaged made my heart sing.

  Justin paused in his reading and looked up at me with a knowing smile. He, too, was aware what a special occurrence it was. I didn’t want to break the spell, so I simply took a seat on the sofa and listened to the rest of The Most Magnificent Thing.

  Once Justin was done, I clapped softly as Sammy toddled his way over to me. On his own, he climbed up into my lap and rested his head against my shoulder. Without thinking, I wrapped my arms around him and held him close. To my surprise, he didn’t move a muscle or object in any way. I looked up at Justin wide-eyed. He sat there for a moment with a tiny smile on his lips.

  “I think someone got worn out at Grandma’s house,” I said quietly.

  “Yeah, Grandma!” Justin chuckled. “When I got there, she looked like she was only too happy to see me.”

  “Did she say he’d been difficult today?”

  “No, quite the opposite. She said he was extremely well behaved, but very active. She took him to the park, and he was all over the place. He even interacted with some of the kids there a little, and then one lady showed up with a little dog. Mom said she could hardly tear him away once he’d gotten a chance to pet it.”