‘Did you hit her?’
‘No. But she tried to remove booze from me and I turned on her. Too fast. The bottle dropped and smashed on the floor. Apparently, I called her some of the vilest words there are for that. Then I pushed her out of my way so I could get another bottle from my room. That’s where my stash was. I didn’t realise my strength with being drunk and had no idea what had happened. She’d hit the wall behind me. It could have been so much worse.’
‘God, Xavier.’
‘So now I don’t drink. I won’t ever drink. Not even a sip as a toast to someone’s good health.’
I put my own glass down and push it away. Then turn to a passing waitress and order a coke. I ask her to take the rest of the champagne to Paulina and send her my thanks.
‘Eden, I don’t expect you to not drink.’
‘I know. But it doesn’t sit right with me. I’m not all that bothered about alcohol, to be honest.’
‘You don’t need to do this. I’m not a victim. I was the bad guy.’
‘What?’ I throw my napkin down. ‘Because you were reacting to your mother’s suicide? You weren’t a victim? Well, don’t feel sorry for me either because I willingly took myself to live in my abductors house.’
‘Don’t be stupid. That’s not the same.’
‘Isn’t it? Yes, you made mistakes. If you want, I’ll tell you that you completely fucked-up. But if I want to not drink, because you can’t, that’s up to me.’
‘I’m going to the loo.’
Xavier storms off to the bathroom. I stare at the entrance, considering whether I’d manage to get a taxi at this hour if he didn’t return.
‘You okay here?’ Paulina has brought our desserts.
‘Oh yes, thank you. Wow, that looks and smells beautiful.’
‘I saw Xavier looking like he was having a tantrum. Men are little more than large sized children at times. If he’s mad at you, that shows he cares, Chica. Be more concerned if he doesn’t look bothered.’
I nod. ‘We’re fine. Things just got a bit uncomfortable because I said I wouldn’t drink.’
‘He wants you to have the best time. You returned the champagne. He’s upset but he’ll get over it. Oh, here he comes now.’
As she walks past him she says something in his ear and then hits him around the head with a napkin.
He sits back down with a sheepish expression on his face. ‘I’m sorry. You’re right. You can eat and drink whatever you like.’
‘It’s okay. I was being annoying.’
‘Is this our first argument?’
‘I guess so. Now, as much as I’d like to dwell on our first spat, my fudge cake is cooling and my ice cream is melting.’
‘So, how are you doing really?’ he asks me.
‘Taking each day word by word.’
He smiles at my acknowledgement of his mother’s philosophy.
‘I have my first outpatient appointment with Marnie on Tuesday. Other than that, there’s nothing to add. I’ve been out with Kara. It’s surprised me to be truthful. How fast I’ve stopped looking over my shoulder because I know they’re in jail. I’m focused on getting on with my life. No doubt this is part of my recovery. I’m sure Marnie will have lots to say to me next week. How sad that I’m looking forward to going? I’m getting bored being at home. It's sending me stir crazy and Kara’s driving me up the wall in the nicest of ways.’
‘She’s still working at Johnnys I take it?’
‘Yes and she’s picked up extra shifts, but she mainly works evenings, which means she’s around all day. She’s constantly trying to keep me on an up, “Let’s go here, let’s watch a movie, do you want anything?”. I can’t tell her but sometimes I just want to be alone. If I closed myself away in my room, she’d worry I was relapsing or going to kill myself but I quite fancy a duvet day all by myself.’
‘Have you spoken to her about it?’
‘How can I? She’s done all this for me. That would be so ungrateful. All I know is that, although I’ll miss her to bits, I need to get her back on an aeroplane fast. She’s bored too. She’s only staying for me. But she won’t leave until she trusts I’m okay. She might never leave.’
‘So what about work? Are you going to look for a job or have they said you’re not well enough yet?’
‘That’s one thing I want to talk to Marnie about. I’d like to know if I could look for a part-time job. Something simple. Whether she thinks that’s a good idea or a terribly bad one and whether she knows anyone who will employ a complete nutcase.’
‘Harrington’s needs a receptionist.’
‘Oh, Xavier. I feel like you’re permanently trying to rescue me. Look,’ I point to my short hair. ‘Rapunzel is gone. I’m no longer in an ivory tower.’
‘That’s not what I’m trying to do if you’ll just listen. We need a receptionist fast. Our last one walked and the temps we’ve had have been terrible. I know you have your degree and are too qualified for the position but it would be a start. Jane and I know your background, so if you were struggling for any reason, we’re not going to make a scene if you need to leave early. It’s an option. You don’t have to take it, but the offer is there. I’m not trying to save you, Eden, I can barely keep my own head above water half the time.’
‘I shouldn’t have said that. It’s just you’re too good to be true sometimes. I feel it's not fair. I give you nothing in return.’
‘Too good to be true? I hurt my last girlfriend in a drunken stupor. I’m just helping where I can. Eden, I’ve been there, lost. Jane helped me. I’m offering the same to you.’
‘Thanks. I’ll talk to Marnie. If she says I’m okay to work would you do me one small favour?’
I raise an eyebrow. ‘And that would be?’
‘A proper interview for the post. I’d like to demonstrate my experience for the job. Let Jane interview me.’
‘I can’t promise she’ll stick to job questions.’
I laugh. ‘That’s okay. I’ll not sue her for asking personal ones, I promise.’
Dessert plates are cleared away and coffee is ordered.
‘So what’s happening with the court case, anyway?’
‘I don’t understand how it works. They’re remanded in custody, no chance of bail because of the remains found. Investigations are ongoing. That’s all I know. But while he’s inside, I feel safe. I’ll worry about anything else as things happen. There’s no room in my head for any more worry. I’m aware it's a bit head in sand, but hey, it gets me by.’
‘You might want to repeat this conversation with Marnie,’ he says. ‘I’m sure she’ll have something to say about your avoidance issues.’
I throw some table confetti at his head.
‘So tell me more about your foster parents.’
‘There’s not a lot to say. We were a pay cheque to them. Once we left, they moved some new pay cheques in.’
‘Nice.’
‘Yup. The best bit about it is they were featured in the paper for how many children they’d fostered. They were lauded in the paper. Heroes.’
‘Did they ever hurt you?’
‘No. Unless their ambivalence counts. If I brought home a trophy for doing well, they shrugged. Drew would bring home a pack of beer at fourteen, they shrugged.’
‘Drew. Kara said he was in prison for fraud?’
‘Yes.’ I pause. ‘Kara says he wants to see me.’
‘What do you want?’
‘She says he told the detective that he’d been awful to me all my life because he wanted better for me. Do you think that’s a crock of shit because he wants to see what he can get out of me now? He’s not stupid, he’ll know I’m up for some compensation.’
‘Who knows? There’s only one way to find out isn’t there?’
I sigh. ‘I hope Marnie’s booked me for an extremely long session on Tuesday.’
Coffees are drunk and the evening and date draws to a close. Xavier helps me into my coat. I watch as Paulina waves him away as
he tries to pay the bill. Then I see him press notes into her hand, which she accepts while shaking her head at him. I smile and say goodbye and we head outside and back to the car.
‘How much do I owe for the meal?’
‘Nothing. It’s on me. Payment for having to spend time in my company.’
‘Oh, yes. It was a hardship. I’ll pay next time.’
‘So there’ll be a next time?’
‘I think so. Though there’s still the car journey to get through.’
He opens the passenger door and lets me in.
‘I must make sure not to fuck that up then.’
As we drive back, I tell him how much I enjoyed the food at Paulina’s. Before long, we’re back outside my apartment block. Xavier parks up.
‘There can’t be much longer left on your tenancy can there?’
‘About a month I think. I need to get in touch with the landlord.’
‘I could only get you three months. He’s selling up.’
‘Oh.’
‘I have another proposition. Hear me out okay?’
‘Oh-kay.’
‘Kara will be leaving, right?’
‘I live in hope.’
‘Well, I own a two-bedroomed apartment. Come and flat-share with me.’
‘What? That’s crazy.’ I unfasten my seatbelt.
‘Why is it? I do have an ulterior motive. You can cook. Reduced rent if you make all the meals.’
‘Xavier, you just offered me a job earlier. We can’t be together twenty-four-seven, that’s ridiculous.’
‘I’m hardly ever in the office so you won’t be seeing me much at work. I presume you’re not planning on staying in every single night? You know I’m out Mondays with Jane for a start.’
‘But we just started dating. What if it blows up in our faces?’
‘What if it doesn’t? What if it’s the best move we ever make? Why live on what-ifs and foresee problems that might never arise? My own parents met and married within three months. They were together years. It was the bipolar disorder that caused problems. Before that, they were extremely happy. I’m not asking you to move in with me and share my bed. I’m asking you to move in as a flatmate. But, we’ll still date. We’ll go out a couple of times a week.’
I shake my head. ‘I need to think about all this. Even to me it sounds crazy and I’ve just been released from a psychiatric unit.’
‘It is crazy. Hey, sometimes you have to think sod it and make it up as you go along. It’s impulsive and wacky and could be a lot of fun. If it isn’t, we’ll write a full stop or semi-colon and turn a new page, start a new chapter living somewhere else.’
‘You and your living book.’
‘You started all this you know. Being in that club. I was living a safe, albeit boring life before you shimmied past me in that hot dress.’
‘So it's my fault?’
‘Absolutely. You’re driving me insane.’
He opens his car door and walks around to let me out. We stroll to the apartment entrance.
‘Do you want me to walk you up to your door, Madam?’
‘No. Here’s fine. You can bet Kara will have her ear pressed to the other side of the door if we stand there.’
There’s an awkward moment as neither of us knows how to say goodbye. Eventually, Xavier leans over and kisses my cheek. His lips are warm in contrast to the cool outside air. One of them is responsible for my shiver.
‘Thank you for a lovely evening, Miss Stark.’
‘And you, Mr Harrington.’
He smiles and turns to walk away. I instinctively grab his arm.
He looks at me, a question in his eyes.
I pull him towards me and hit his lips with my own. He wraps his arms around me pulling me closer. I can feel his excitement against my leg. His lips crush mine as he deepens the kiss. Our tongues collide. Excitement fizzes through my body, my core reaching the temperature of lava. Xavier brings a hand to my cheek, his fingers stroke there tenderly.
We break off. I can hear and see our breath in the cold night.
‘Goodnight,’ I say.
‘Goodnight,’ he replies, and stands and watches me walk through the door.
‘Text me that you’re home safe.’
‘It’s only up there,’ I point.
‘Text me anyway.’
Once through the door of my apartment, I hold a hand up to halt Kara’s impending onslaught as I send a text. I immediately receive a reply.
Had a great night. Sleep well. X
Is that a kiss or his initial? Oh, my goodness, I’ve become a thirteen-year-old girl.
‘How was it? Oh, my God, I’ve had to sit on my hands. You were out hours. You look all love-struck.’
‘I’m shattered. It was a great night, but we talked for hours and I kind of need to process everything.’ I head to my room.
‘Don’t you dare go to bed without telling me everything.’
I yawn. ‘Gosh, I feel really sleepy. I need to go to bed.’ With a teasing wink at Kara, I pause in the doorway.
‘Night night.’
‘You bitch. You mean… mean bitch.’
I giggle and close the door. Her voice travels through the door.
‘I don’t mean it. Well, I do but I still love you. I’ll be outside your door first thing in the morning to find out everything,’ she shouts.
I lie back on my bed. We kissed. I was intimate with him, if only slightly. I spend an hour or so running through the evening in my head and smile a lot. Could I work and live with him? It’s mad but life’s an open book, waiting for my story. I can be the girl who played it safe for the rest of her life because of what happened, or I can be the girl who properly lived. I fall asleep, my mind full of possibilities.
The next morning, I wake to hear lots of bumping around coming from outside the room. I emerge, rubbing my eyes to find the sofa is piled with Kara’s pillows and duvet at one side. She’s in the kitchen making mugs of coffee, and cooking omelettes.
‘Good Morning,’ she almost squeals in a far too awake tone. ‘Take a seat on the sofa. I’ll just grab your duvet and pillows.’
She returns, with my stuff. You can barely see the top of her head, she’s so small. She throws them across the other side of the sofa. ‘Breakfast and then duvet gossip.’
‘Oh my God. All this for a breakdown of my date?’
‘I’m bored. I’m living through you right now. We could talk about my shifts with the Christmas crowds where the blokes think I’m a cracker to be pulled, but your life is more exciting right now.’
We eat and then I give her a shortened version of events. I leave out the moving in with him part but tell her about the job offer.
‘Sounds a great idea. I’ve been in the office. They all seem lovely.’
‘You think so?’
‘I really do.’
‘Listen. You know how our rental is up soon?’
Kara frowns. ‘I know. We’ll have to begin a search soon.’
‘No.’ I shake my head.
‘What do you mean no?’
‘I’m giving you a month’s notice. I’m evicting you as my flatmate.’
Kara’s brow creases. ‘We’ve had this conversation.’
‘I know. Kara, I’m looking at getting a job. I have a psychologist. I can get a small flat on my own if I need to. Xavier can help me with that. Not much point in having an estate agent for a boyfriend if he can’t find me somewhere to live.’
‘You called him your boyfriend,’ she teases.
‘If your voice gets any higher, you’ll shatter our glassware.’
‘Oh, this is so exciting. You’re going out again then?’
‘We will be. We didn’t make a firm plan. He’s going to call me when he’s set my interview up. He texted me this morning saying he will aim for Wednesday or Thursday, which gives me time to run it past Marnie.’
‘I’ll help you find somewhere to live.’
‘No.’ I shake my head. ‘You�
�ve been brilliant. You are the most amazing friend I could hope to have, but I need to do this myself. I need to decide for myself where I’m living next. There’s the whole world to choose from.’
‘I don’t think you’re ready to do your gap year yet.’
‘No, neither do I. I’m being dramatic about saying I need to choose for myself. Everyone is helping me the whole time and I’ve been getting used to it because I never had that when I was younger. But I’m taking back control. Even if’-I change my mind about telling her-‘It means I flat-share with Xavier.’
‘What? Has he asked you? Oh, my lord. Do I need to buy a hat?’
‘No. Stop presuming I will move in.’
‘Oh no. I definitely do not recommend flat-sharing with Xavier, the hottest guy in the whole of Manchester, except for a certain DC. If you don’t, I’ll offer.’
I hit her with my pillow.
‘Ow.’
‘Be serious.’
‘You be serious. I’d feel a lot better knowing you were living with him, so can your independent streak choose that option?’
‘I’m thinking about it. Now can you please tell me that you’ll get on with your own life and get a job abroad booked as a Rep.’
‘Okay.’ She leans over and hugs me, along with a chunk of my duvet. ‘I’ll miss you though, Eden.’
‘Yeah, well this time you’ll actually be able to keep in touch because I’m not going outside Manchester for the foreseeable future.’
‘Right, now that’s sorted. Did he kiss you good night? Was there tongue action?’
We giggle and discuss men like two teenagers with pop star crushes.
Chapter Thirty-one
Eden
The frivolity of previous days’ contrasts starkly with the following Tuesday morning when I enter the waiting room of the psychiatric outpatient’s clinic. After reporting to the Reception desk who checked my address and G.P. details, I was asked to take a seat. A whiteboard next to the Reception desk lists the names of the staff in the clinic, their roles and their current waiting times. Marnie’s states she’s running twenty minutes late. Already bored, I gaze around, trying to work out the stories of the other people waiting here. One man is sitting with either a relative or carer and is shouting obscenities. It unnerves me. Five long minutes’ pass before a door opens, and a doctor shouts them into their appointment. I place two fingers against the pulse in my wrist as my mouth goes dry, my heart thuds and I experience a slight dizziness. Firstly, I reassure myself that my pulse is steady and I’m okay, then I grab hold of a tattered magazine from a nearby table and flick through it, attempting to distract myself. My mouth is still dry, so I walk over to the water machine in the corner, extract a small paper cone and fill it. My hand shakes and I spill a few drops down my top on the way back.
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