Another door opens and Marnie appears. ‘Eden. Would you like to come through?’
I nod, even though I’d much rather go home. Instead, I follow her into a consulting room. It looks pretty much the same as the consulting room in the main psychiatric unit. She gestures for me to take a seat and takes her own.
‘So, tell me. How’s it been since you went home?’
‘I’ve been, well, fine, I think.’ I rub my forehead with the tips of the fingers of my right hand.
‘You think?’
‘Erm, well, I’ve been normal. Like I was before it all happened. I mean, not quite. Sometimes I recall what happened, but I’m managing, you know. Is that normal?’
She smiles. ‘What’s normal, Eden? Can you actually define normal?’
‘What most people do. Wake up, feed themselves, manage not to sit rocking in a corner.’
She steeples her fingers. ‘You sound surprised that you’re managing.’
I push my tongue into the corner of my cheek as if that will find the words I need to express how I’m feeling. ‘It’s in the back of my mind all the time that I’ll have a flashback and end up back in hospital.’
‘Do you envisage that will happen?’
‘I don’t know, do I? That’s the problem. It’s like an ever-present cloud hanging to the side of my head, waiting to move over.’
‘Imagine now that you are having a flashback. What would you do?’
I consider her question. Then I go through with Marnie the coping mechanisms she taught me.
‘So you’ll probably be fine then?’
I nod.
‘Worst case scenario. You end up back in hospital. What then?’
‘I have therapy, get better, come home.’
‘I appreciate it will be in the back of your mind, or as you describe it a hovering cloud, but really, it’s of no purpose to keep wondering “what if”. Life happens whether you consider its possibilities or not. You have to get up and take each day as it comes. It’s the same for everybody.’
‘I guess so.’
‘I know so. So, what have you been doing with your time?’
I fill her in on everything. I rabbit on and she makes notes as she listens.
‘Wow. You fit a lot into a short space of time, Eden. So, first, the job. How does going out to work make you feel?’
‘I like the idea of having a structure to my day and seeing other people. My world is small. I figure I’ll feel safer knowing that the people there will know my background.’
‘It sounds like you’ve decided on that then.’
I sit back. ‘Yes. I have. I’m going to take the post if it's offered.’
‘Great. Something I’d like you to consider doing is exercise. It’s good for your mental health and can be social. It’ll expand that world of yours. Do you do any exercise at the moment?’
I smirk. ‘Does a walk round the shops count?’
‘If it’s a regular, long walk around the shops, yes.’
‘That’s a no then.’
‘Can you think of anything you like to do? Tried anything before?’
‘I’ve had phases of going to aerobics and the gym. I found it boring though.’
Marnie rustles in her desk drawer and brings out a few leaflets. ‘I took the liberty of seeing what’s available in Manchester. I’ve got a swimming timetable, the local gym’s timetable and classes and details of a running club near you.’
‘Actually, I used to run for the school. I was quite good at it.’
‘What happened?’
‘Boys.’
Marnie laughs. ‘This is a female only running club so you’ll not get distracted there.’
‘Don’t you have to be able to run to join a running club?’
‘I’m sure there are all ability levels there, but you could call them and ask. In the meantime, have you heard of Couch to 5K?’
‘No.’
‘It’s a series of podcasts. You download them to your phone or iPod. Gradually over a series of weeks, it takes you from being able to run for about a minute at a time to being able to run for thirty minutes. I did it. I never imagined I’d be able to run, but I managed it. I go running most nights now.’
‘Can you write that down? I’ll look into it when I get home.’
She tears a piece of paper from a shorthand notebook and scribbles on it. ‘Just one tip. If you go for it, invest in some proper running shoes. I nearly broke my knees.’
‘Okay. Will do.’
‘So talking of boys. Let's chat about Xavier. The date sounds like it went well, but then he offered you a room in his home. How did that make you feel?’
‘I was shocked. I needed to process it.’
‘How would you deem it now?’
‘It’s a ridiculous idea, isn’t it?’
‘Is that your decision?’
‘We’ve only known each other two minutes.’
‘So is that how you feel, or is what you’re assuming other people will think?’
I go quiet while I consider her words.
‘It’s what I imagine other people will think.’
‘I’m asking what your thoughts are.’
‘I feel like I want to go for it. But I’m scared it will complicate my relationship with Xavier. We were trying to date properly.’
‘There you go again. What is properly? I met my husband on a cruise ship. He lived in France. We met a handful of times before we married, but spoke every day on the phone.’
‘Wow. Did that work?’
‘No, we’re divorced, but we have a beautiful child we wouldn’t have had if we’d never got together. Who are these people who will judge you? What’s normal? What’s dating properly? Make your own choices. You get one shot at life, Eden.’
My eyes widen. ‘So you believe I should go for it?’
‘I have no opinion on the matter. I’m here to assist you to make your own choices. Don’t say yes on impulse and don’t say no because it’s not normal.’
I sigh. ‘It makes sense to move in with someone I know, but my gut feeling is I should try to live on my own. I’m nervous about having no support around me though. I’ve become dependent on other people.’
Marnie taps her pen on the side of her temple. ‘Try to think outside the box. Is there not a way for you to have both?’
I chew on my lip while I consider her statement.
‘I guess I could search for an apartment near to Xavier, but not actually move in.’
‘So which idea do you perceive to be the better?’
‘Being nearer.’
‘You have your answer then. Another step to take. Look for an apartment near your boyfriend.’
‘I would never have considered that. Thank you.’
‘Eden, I’m offering guidance but you’re considering and deciding. Ponder the process we went through and apply that to all your decision making. Reflect on pros, cons and then do the wildcard - be innovative. Remember there’s no dummies guide on how to act after kidnapping and trauma. You may be fine for the rest of your life or you may suffer a relapse. There’s no way of knowing, so one step forward at a time. If you have a wobble that’s why I’m here. You call and make extra appointments if and when you need them.’
‘I think I might go and see my brother.’ I blurt out.
‘Eden. That’s a huge decision. Are you prepared for it if it was to go wrong?’
‘I’ll go home. Think through all the pros and cons. The worst-case scenario is that he lives up to my expectations of being a soul-sucking waste of space who wants to fleece me of any money I might get.’
‘Sounds possible with what you’ve told me about him. So, if he is?’
‘I’ll be disappointed I made the effort but I won’t be any worse off.’
‘Sounds sensible. Now without imagining it’s like a real-life episode of Surprise Surprise and you’re both going to go all lovey dovey and reunite, what’s the possibility?’
‘We could m
ove forward in some way. He always pushed me away when I attempted to be a sister. This is the first time he’s reached out. That’s why I’m suspicious.’
‘It’s good to be on your guard, just don’t let it cloud your judgement. Go in open, but sensible. When do you think you might visit?’
‘I’d have to call the prison for a Visiting Order. It could be the end of this week, early next week.’
‘Okay. I’m going to set up your review appointment for a month’s time, but I will make you an extra appointment for the twenty-ninth. If you don’t need it, cancel it, but I’m booking you in while I have space, just in case you need to discuss any issues arising from your visit.’
‘Thank you. That’s appreciated.’
‘Not a problem. I’ll see you in a month. You’re making good and steady progress, Eden. But please work through the process we’ve discussed for larger life issues.’
‘Thanks, Marnie.’
I leave the room and check the time. I’ve been in there fifty minutes and it’s been fifty of the most constructive minutes of my life. My accommodation decision has been made. I may have a job soon and I’ve decided to visit my brother.
I send out for an Indian takeaway that night as Kara has the evening off work. Later that evening, I get a text from Xavier asking how my appointment went and inviting me to attend an interview on Thursday. One day to sort out an outfit and work on how I can get Jane to like me. Great. It could have been worse. He could have said tomorrow and I would have had to go in reeking of garlic and coriander.
I rub the back of my neck. ‘Kara. You met Jane, right?’
‘Yeah, briefly, a couple of times.’
‘Please reassure me she’s a normal person. She’s interviewing me in two days and I’m bloody petrified.’
‘She seemed nice.’
‘Did she seem like a loving auntie type, like her sister, Paulina?’
‘No, honey. Sorry, but she’s helped Xavier with his business. She’s nice but I’m guessing she can bite when she needs to. She’ll be wanting to see exactly why Xavier has been acting like a love-struck puppy dog.’
I wrap my arms around myself. ‘I can’t do this.’
‘Yes, you can. You just need to be yourself. Don’t go to the interview all dolled up and pretending to be someone you’re not. Just be you and you’ll be fine.’
‘I hope so,’ I reply.
Chapter Thirty-Two
Eden
I pay the taxi driver. My hand shakes as I take my change, and then there’s no choice. I get out as he has parked right outside Harrington’s and I can already see Xavier hovering by the window.
Yet by the time I’ve left the taxi, closed its passenger door and pushed through the door of Harrington’s Estate Agency, Xavier has disappeared. A woman walks out from behind a desk and approaches me.
‘Can I help you?’
‘Yes. I’m here for an interview for the receptionist post.’
‘Great. Take a seat and someone will be out shortly.’ She smiles, which helps put me at ease.
I take a seat in the corner, near the window. It’s difficult to look out as there are posters for different properties covering most of the glass, so I decide to people watch the staff in the agency instead. One lady is on the phone. Another is talking to a customer while handing her leaflets about properties. Every now and then one of the staff glances at me. They all seem friendly and smile. I fidget, straightening my clothes a lot.
Then a middle-aged woman comes out from the back.
‘Miss Stark?’
I nod. ‘Yes.’
She offers a hand and shakes mine. ‘I’m Jane Burrows. It’s nice to meet you. Would you like to come through?’
Jane. I want time to acknowledge this is the person who will want to appraise me regarding my relationship with Xavier. However, right now we are both in professional mode. I follow her through a door and down a corridor. She’s a small, plump woman, with short blonde hair. I follow as she walks down the corridor with confidence. She opens the door to the interview room and turns to me.
‘Miss Stark. This is Mr Harrington.’
It’s very difficult to resist the megawatt beaming smile from Xavier. However, I do my best. I walk over to him and hold out my hand which he holds onto for just an extra second or two before letting go.
‘Good morning, Mr Harrington. It’s nice to meet you.’
‘Take a seat, Miss Stark,’ says Jane.
They take turns to ask me standard interview questions: why do I think I’d be right for the post? What’s my experience? I show them my qualification certificates. All the while I can see Jane taking in everything I say and watching how myself and Xavier interact. I’m pleased the interview is conducted with professionalism. When Jane informs me the interview is over, I thank them for their time and Jane escorts me out of the room, informing me they’ll be in touch.
I thank her and head back out to the main office. My phone rings as I get to the doorway. ‘Excuse me,’ I tell Jane.
It’s Xavier.
‘Hello?’
‘Good morning, Miss Stark. We’d like to offer you the post of receptionist at Harrington’s Estate Agency.’
‘Really?’ I smile. ‘Well, I’d like to accept.’
‘Fantastic. Come back through and let’s have a celebratory coffee.’
‘Okay.’ I laugh.
‘Did you accept?’ asks Jane.
‘I did.’
‘Fantastic. Right, come back through and let’s get that hot drink I know Xavier just offered you.’
‘I’ve been set up, haven’t I?’
She smirks. ‘It’s right that you had a proper interview. But yes, we worked out what would happen afterwards. There’s no way I’m letting you leave without getting to know you better.’
I look up at her, my eyes wide.
‘I promise that sounded worse than I meant. I’ve been looking forward to meeting the person Xavier thinks so much about, so come through and let’s get that drink.’ She raises her voice, ‘Everyone, this is Eden, our new receptionist. Say hello to her.’
Everyone waves and says congratulations. I feel like I have déjà vu as I follow Jane back down the corridor. Once again, she pushes open the door.
I walk in and tilt my head at Xavier. ‘Why, Mr Harrington, fancy meeting you here.’
He hands me a coffee. ‘So when do you want to start?’
‘Monday morning?’
‘That’d be great,’ says Jane. ‘Are you okay working 8.30am-1.30pm each day to start with? Jemima works from 1.30pm to 6.00pm. When she gets closer to her maternity leave you’ll have the option of working full-time for a while.’
‘Give her a chance to start,’ says Xavier.
‘Those times are fine with me. I’m looking forward to it. I need some routine in my life, and some conversation.’
‘You’ll get plenty of conversation on reception. We’ll have to tell you about the weekly customers who come in just for a chat and have no intention whatsoever of purchasing a property,’ adds Jane.
‘Seriously?’
‘Yes. For instance, Mrs Willis comes in at least twice a week. We sold her a house fifteen years ago. She was widowed two years ago and came in for advice about selling her home. She decided not to sell, but still comes in pretending to look.’
‘Aw, that’s quite sad.’
‘It is. We don’t mind if you want to chat with her, as long as it doesn’t mean other customers are hanging around waiting. You’ll have to learn how to juggle people.’
‘Okay.’
‘Damn. I’ve got to go,’ says Xavier. ‘I have a meeting about selling a portfolio of properties.’ He gets up and gives me a kiss on the cheek. ‘I’ll call you later.’
He leaves and I’m alone with Jane. I feel nervous. An open target should she choose to aim and fire.
‘It’s so nice to meet you. No-one’s ever truly how you picture them, but I think with what Xavier said I came close. I’m s
orry about what happened to you.’
I make sure to maintain eye contact though I feel like looking at the floor. ‘Thank you. It’s not been easy.’
‘Xavier’s not had the easiest of lives as you know.’
I nod.
‘I have to say this to you. As a kind of mother figure. Please don’t intentionally hurt him. He’s a fantastic man, but he’s been closed off for a long time. Just, I don’t know…’
I lean over the table and put my hand on hers. ‘Jane, I can’t make you promises. I know where you’re coming from and I have no intention of deliberately hurting Xavier. But, we’re both a living testament to the fact that shit happens. I can’t see the future. I will respect him at all times, that’s what I can promise you.’
She exhales and her shoulders relax. ‘Thank you. That’s all I ask.’
‘He thinks a lot about you, Jane, you know?’
Her eyes brim with tears. ‘He’s like a son to me. I couldn’t have children. I’m not proud of the fact I started a relationship with a married man, but I don’t regret it bringing me Xavier.’
‘I’m not judging you. It’s easy to make assumptions about people’s lives without knowing the background or context. I’ll have the pleasure of my court case in the future. They’ll make me stand up in court and no doubt recount the lovers I’ve had and the fact that I openly took a job I knew offered sex as an extra. The defence will make me out to be some psycho slut. I just liked sex, that’s all. Sex without the complications of a relationship. But that’s not how I’ll be judged in court.’
‘Oh Eden. You’re still going through it, aren’t you?’
‘Yeah, but if that’s what it takes to make sure Jack and Sienna stay behind bars and don’t get the chance to do anything to anyone else, then that’s how it has to be.’
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