If Jane hadn’t gotten pregnant he would have gone off and had a completely different life. He would have had the life Candace refuses to give up. She doesn’t want to live inside everyone’s expectations. And neither had he. But he lacked her courage, her confidence. Does he secretly wish Jane had acted like Candace and refused to tell anyone who the father of her baby was so that he could have lived the way he really wanted to, and never even known he was shirking responsibility? Perhaps. Perhaps he didn’t know, and maybe that was why he didn’t like Sidney encouraging Candace. It was hard for him to see her do what he hadn’t been given the chance to do for himself.
Looking at the past and seeing it for what it was, he had a strange sort of nostalgia at the thought of never raising Kell, or never having his beautiful daughter, Hope. Of not learning how to truly love his wife, Jane. Because that’s what happened. Over the years of pastoring, of watching her selflessly serve the people in his church, he woke up one day and realized how deeply he loved her, how hopeless his life would have been as a pastor without her. If she had set him free, he would never have known the real freedom of intentionally loving her and receiving her love.
Is that what his mother meant when she said regret is where we meet God face to face?
He walked into the bathroom and stared at himself in the mirror. His wrinkles took up more of his face. His eyes had turned more gray. He needed to help Sidney find an adoption agency for Candace. He needed to stand up to Astrid. Perhaps one day Candace would regret her decision. But, it wasn’t his to make. That’s what Sidney had been trying to say. That’s what his mother had tried to explain. Each person must live their own life before their Maker. And each one must make their own difficult decisions and trust that God is able to make it come right.
He kneeled by his bed.“Lord help me,” he prayed.“Give me your wisdom and your strength. Please.”
Afterwards, he got dressed and went down to breakfast.
~
Kell ran his hands over his face. He didn’t feel like shaving today. He didn’t feel like going to church. He was tired of hearing his father’s voice in his head. Jake wanted to go to the same church as his grandpa and Kell didn’t blame him, but he was bored with it. He wanted to go fishing. He wondered what Sidney’s night had been like the night before? Did she talk to the ex-husband who wanted her back? What would she decide to do? His stomach flipped and his throat closed up as he thought about the obvious fact that she might go back to him, and he’d never see her again.
He took Jake to church and afterward sent him home with a friend. Then, he went fishing the entire afternoon on the pond. He finally returned home because he was shivering too much. He walked by Sidney’s house and wondered what he should do about his dad’s fight with her about Candace. He tried to let his dad manage his own church, pastor his people in his own way, and his dad let him doctor and tend his patients the way he saw fit. However, he knew that if he were to help Sidney, despite how frustrating Astrid could be, there was the possibility that he could help bring resolution to the situation.
Sydney’s Mini-Cooper was in the driveway,but Betty’s Tahoe was gone. He decided to stop in for a visit. He knocked on the door.
Sidney opened the front door wearing blue jeans, a hoodie, and a thick pair of socks. She was carrying a book halfway open in her hand, and was licking a spoon with the other.“Hey,” she said.“Want to come in?”
“I hope I’m not interrupting anything?”
“No. I’m just eating eggnog ice-cream out of the carton and reading a new novel.”
“Sounds like a nice day off,” he said, stepping inside. The warmth of the fire in her big fireplace welcomed him. It smelled of burning candles and freshly baked cookies.“Did you just make cookies?”
“I did. Betty is doing her best to teach me. I’m doing my best to learn. I really don’t have a good baking hand. It’s all just a little too exact for my taste. Do you want to try one? They’re pumpkin. Betty says the recipe has been in her family for three generations.” Her eyes shined.“She hovered over me while I put in all the ingredients. I thought they’d go well with Eggnog ice-cream for the guests coming next weekend.”
“Sure, I’d love some pumpkin cookies.”
She led him to the kitchen and pulled out another spoon, which she handed to him along with two cookies on a napkin.“Feel free to dip into the ice-cream and tell me what you think.”
“You want me to share a carton of ice-cream with you?”
She wrinkled her nose.“I’m not going to dirty a bowl just because you’re afraid of a few germs.”
He took a bite of one of the cookies. It melted in his mouth.“Betty has taught you well. These are great.” He plunged his spoon into the soft ice cream and took a bite. The combination made him feel like it was Thanksgiving right then and there.
Sidney raised one eyebrow in a questioning look.“What do you think?”
“This is great.”
“I’m glad you like it.”
He took another bite of cookie.“Listen, I stopped by because I was wondering if we could talk about Candace for a few minutes. Is she home?”
“No. She and Betty went out for the afternoon. Those two are starting to act like mother and daughter.”
“Could you tell me what exactly you’d like my dad to do?”
“Did he send you here?” she asked, widening her eyes with suspicion.
“No. He’d kill me if he knew I’d come. I’m curious because maybe I can help. As her doctor, I mean.”
Kell waited while she gathered her thoughts. It was as if she was trying to decide how much to say to him.
“It’s just that she’s barely eighteen. I’m happy to have her live here. She’s a nice girl, cleans, does her job, and I’m going to help her find an adoption agency. But...”
“But you don’t have that kind of time, right?”
“It’s not that. It’s what I said before. I think she needs more support.”
“You saw what Astrid did to sabotage your grand opening. She’s not going to change for Candace.”
“Even if your dad talks to her?”
Kell paused.“I see what you mean, but I’m not sure. My dad doesn’t do well with conflict. I’ll talk to him about it and see if we can’t organize a meeting with Astrid.” He held up his hands and widened his eyes.“But, I’m not promising anything.”
“Really?”
“Sure.”
“Your dad wouldn’t even talk to me about it.”
“My dad is funny about these awkward things. I’m not sure why.”
Sidney tipped her head.“Is he still coming for Thanksgiving?” she asked.
“I think so. He was excited to do something different this year. Been troubled for a while.”
“I don’t know why he’s so afraid of retirement. You’d think he’d enjoy telling a young pastor how it’s done. He’d have more time for reading and stuff.”
“Try to tell him that.”
Kell took one last bite of ice cream and Sidney grabbed another cookie and handed it to him.
Eventually, Kell stood and started for the kitchen door. Sidney got up with him.“Thanks for stopping by.”
“Thanks for inviting me over. I look forward to Thanksgiving.”
He brushed past her and she reached for his shoulder and gave it a quick squeeze.“You’re welcome here anytime. After all, we’re supposed to be friends, right?” She let out a light laugh, almost as if she was still unsure.
Her touch made his stomach flip-flop. He finally spoke.“Yes, we are supposed to be friends.” He stepped through the kitchen door. I’ll see you on Thursday if I don’t see you before that.”
“Perfect.”
~
Sidney set the table the night before Thanksgiving and wrote everyone’s name on small folded name cards. Amanda called and said she was bringing a large pink salad and her sister, Mary, would bring green bean casserole. Big Dan called her a couple days before and asked if he c
ould bring champagne for a toast. Jeff called while she was setting the table, to make sure everything was still set.
“I wanted to remind you that I’m signed up for the Seattle Marathon. I’ll have to leave late on Thursday night. I’ll walk onto the ferry, if that’s okay. But I’d like to come back on Friday evening after the marathon. That is, if you think there’s a chance for us.”
Sidney’s insides twisted up into knots. The pressure was boiling up inside her.“Yes. Of course you can come back on Friday. That will give us more time to talk.”
“I’m excited to see you, Sidney.”
Sidney brushed the hair off of her forehead. Even if they did get back together, they were going to have to do some serious talking for him to understand that things couldn’t be what they were before. However, the thought of trying to explain all of that to Jeff made her exhausted and defeated before she even began. He wouldn’t understand. She’d end up giving in, making her entire life all about him and his hobbies, his races, his dreams. She couldn’t do that again. Somehow it had to be different.
Before, her faith, her deep connection to God would have anchored her, but she wasn’t sure how to access her faith anymore. God seemed far away and she didn’t understand him. After her marriage had fallen apart, her charred heart and the disappointment in God left her empty. She had spent her entire life trying to do what God wanted. She had always prayed, read her Bible, journaled—all the things she thought she was supposed to do—and when she walked in on Jeff with another woman, her faith crashed right alongside her marriage. Now, Sidney wasn’t sure how to pick up the pieces.
Despite all that, in the deep places in her heart, she was starting to realize she missed God, as if a part of her was missing. She had put God first in every part of her life for as long as she could remember. And more than anything, at this turning point in her life, this decision with Jeff, if she were honest, what she wanted and needed was God’s nearness. She longed to hear his still small voice.
Sidney sighed.“I’ll see you in the morning, Jeff. Looking forward to it.” She hung up the phone and left it there. She needed to think through the implications of what it would mean to go back to him. She liked her island life, she liked Betty and Candace. She liked that she didn’t feel so invisible anymore.
Chapter Fifteen
Thanksgiving Misgivings
Thanksgiving morning arrived, and Sidney didn’t feel ready. Candace had done a wonderful job preparing the bedrooms for the guests coming the day after. Betty had been cooking every day for hours. The food looked like a Williams Sonoma catalogue.
She drank coffee, showered, paced around her room, worried about the day, worried about Jeff. She grabbed her car keys. His ferry would arrive in a few minutes. She took a deep breath, told Betty and Candace she’d be back, and went to her car.
As she drove to the ferry, the autumn colors rose up all around her. The browns, gold’s, the orange and yellow leaves sparkled in the early morning sunlight, and the crisp sea air, fresh and full of salt. She noticed Jeff off to the side. He waved to her when his eye noticed her Mini-Cooper. She pulled over and stepped out.
“It’s so good to see you,” he said. Sidney turned her cheek for him to kiss it and instead, he lifted his hands, cupped her cheeks and kissed her full on the lips. Surprised, she kissed him back, but it confused her and made her even more nervous. After he pulled away, he ran his hands over her shoulders.
“I’ve wanted to kiss you for months now, Sidney. I’ve missed you so much. Thanks for inviting me.”
Her stomach flipped over and her mind started to race with all sorts of uncertainties.
She opened her door and climbed in. Jeff did the same.“I can’t believe you still have this car, Sidney. It’s too small.” He shook his head.
She set her hand on her steering wheel.“I like my small car. It’s what I always wanted.”
“Naw, you need an SUV. This is not your kind of car. When we’re back together, I’ll get you a bigger car and we can start planning our family.”
Her stomach surged in confusion.“Once we get to the house, I’ll show you around, and then I need to get changed. I was too busy cooking with Betty this morning to get everything done.”
“Sounds great. I can’t believe you were cooking,” he said.“I didn’t see that coming.”
“I know, but after a few months of trial and error, and Betty’s wonderful teaching, I’m getting the hang of it.”
~
The guests were set to arrive at two o’clock for appetizers. They’d serve dinner at three o’clock. Betty’s fruit and cheese platter, with French bread and crackers, looked divine. Sidney made another pot of coffee and decided to get dressed. Thanksgiving was important. She needed to look nice.
She decided on a loose black and white blouse, and tucked it into a black pencil skirt, black tights, and Mary Jane high heels. She put part of her hair up and left tendrils of it hanging down. She pulled out the make-up and colored her eyes, lips, the whole works. She stared at herself in the mirror wondering if she was dressing up for Jeff. Kell’s face flashed before her and she lingered there for a moment.
She came out of the bedroom determined to shove her thoughts to the far regions of her mind. Betty appeared, wearing black slacks and a red blouse. Her face was flushed. Candace came into the kitchen, with her hair down, out of its normal ponytail, wearing the jeans Betty had given her, along with a light blue shirt that hung over her newly popped tummy. She smiled at Sidney.“What do you think of my maternity choices?”
“You look beautiful, Candace. You’re starting to get the pregnant glow.”
Candace put her hands on her stomach.“I’d hardly call it a glow. It is nice not being sick all the time now. Thanks for everything you two have done for me. I don’t know what I would have done,” she paused, then swallowed.“You probably saved my life when you took me in.”
Betty pulled her into arms.“You’ve got a lot of potential, Candy. Don’t ever let anyone tell you different.”
Candace didn’t say anything, but Sidney noticed her eyes filling with tears and she was trying very hard not to let her bottom lip quiver. Sidney reached across and took Candace’s face in her hands.“I’m glad you’re here.”
“There’s something I wanted to ask you two,” she said.“I signed up for a birthing class. Dr. Kellen told me I needed to take one.”
Sidney waved her hand in the air.“Of course, we’ll make sure you get to Anacortes for your classes. You don’t have to worry.”
“It isn’t that,” she said.
“What is it, dearie?” Betty asked.
“I was hoping you’d be my birthing partners. That you two would help me have my baby.”
Sidney’s eyes widened.“Well, Betty would be a great pick. I don’t think I’m your lady. I haven’t had four sons.”
“Yes, but you’re my friend. I need you.”
Candace’s gift overwhelmed Sidney. She never imagined Candace would want her in the birthing room.“What an honor. Of course, I will.”
They shared a group hug, laughing, and Betty telling her it would all work out and the doorbell rang. Kell, Pastor Matt, and Jake stood on the front porch, holding trays and pans in their arms.
Sidney and Pastor Matt hadn’t talked since their argument the other day. He hardly met her eyes. She welcomed them inside.
“Happy Thanksgiving!” she said. She took Pastor’s Matt’s hand and cupped it.“I’m so glad you all came over. Thank you for coming.”
Betty kissed Kell on the cheek and then reached over to Jake and squeezed him. She hugged Pastor Matt. Candace stood off to the side, not doing or saying much. Kell turned to Sidney. She reached over and gave him a quick kiss on the cheek.“What did you bring us from your large repertoire of food?”
Kell smiled at Sidney. His light ease surprised her.“I made brioche rolls and cheddar chive mashed potatoes.”
“That’s amazing. How did you ever learn to cook so well?” she asked.
“During medical school, my roommates and I took turns with cooking. I found I enjoyed making good food.”
“Well, those were some set of roommates.”
They stared at each other in the entryway, lost for a moment. She felt like they were talking without words and her heart started beating more quickly.
Behind her, she heard someone clear his throat. Jeff. He walked up to the crowd and held out his hand to Kell.“I’m Jeff.”
Kell’s open face closed as fast as a slammed door.
Betty spoke up.“Yes. We’re so glad Jeff could make it, aren’t we Kell?”
“Of course. It’s good to finally meet you.”
Jeff glanced at everyone and then put his arm around Sidney’s shoulders.“Yes,well, I’m thankful for the opportunity to meet all of you too.”
Sidney face warmed.“Thank you,” she said, moving out from under his embrace.“I’m so glad you all came.”
Jake spoke up.“Are we going to stand here forever or are we going to get to go inside the mansion?”
Sidney laughed.“You’re going to get to go inside the mansion. You have my permission to go into all the rooms and take a peek. It’s yours for the searching.”
Jake’s eyes widened.“Really? They say this house has secret passageways.”
“I’m sure if anyone could find them, you could.”
Kell scruffed his hair up.“Just don’t snoop in any of the occupied bedrooms.”
Betty tipped her head.“Yes, you never know what you’ll find.”
“Got it.” Jake dashed off to do a serious search of the house.
Sidney brought them all into the livingroom to leave their things. Then, she led them into the dining room for appetizers. The doorbell rang again.“That must be Big Dan.”
Betty glanced at her.“I’ve got to go check on the turkey. You let him in. He’s your guest.”
An Ordinary Love (A Christian Contemporary Romance) (Sidney's Sanctuary Book 1) Page 19