Love After Pain

by Torrie Robles

  “I wanted to get you.” I pick her up, swing her around once and place a kiss upon her head before setting her back on her feet.

  “Where’s Brody?” Concern crosses her face.

  “He’s with Aunty Des. I thought we could have some daughter and daddy time.”

  “Why?”

  “Well I just thought you and I could go get some ice cream. Maybe you can play on the swings in the park before we head home to do your homework.”

  “You mean to Grammy and Popa’s?”

  “Yes, to Grammy and Popa’s.”

  As a child, I never understood why my parents always tried to shield me from pain or heartache with sweets. If one of our family animals died or was killed, my mom would take me to the ice cream parlor to lighten the blow. When my grandparents passed away, there was another trip to go get ice cream. I never understood why they thought putting a bowl of sugary goodness in front of me would be a much needed distraction. But here I am, with my daughter getting ice cream so I can have a little chat with her.

  I know that we’ve already covered the death part. Looking back, I wish I could’ve given Clare all the ice cream in the world when I had to tell her that her mommy was no longer here. That she would never see her again. That being said, talking about how she’s feeling about Kate, and what the future holds isn’t any easier now.

  “How was school, Bink?”

  “Fine.” She takes a lick of her spoon that is covered with her favorite, blue bubblegum.

  “Did you learn anything exciting today?”

  “Nope.” She takes another lick.

  “How are you feeling about mommy?”

  Maybe I should have led up to that question. Eased into it. I know it was out of left field and I’m sure she wasn’t expecting it, but I don’t know how else to approach a subject that even I didn’t want to talk about it.

  “Sad.” She drops her spoon into the bowl and looks down at her hands. When she looks up her eyes are full of unshed tears. The green glistens in the moisture of her tears. “I miss her. So, so much, daddy.” With a blink the tears begin to fall. “My heart hurts.”

  “My heart hurts too, Bink, it hurts too.”

  “I know.” She looks down at her hands again. “You don’t ever smile anymore.” she says in a whisper.

  “I know.” She waits for me to continue. “Losing Mommy has been so hard. I never thought in a million years I would have to be a Daddy to you and Brody without Mommy being around. I imagined we would always be together. I assumed she would always be here for me, for you. But, baby, that’s not what happened.”

  “I know, Jesus needed her more. But how can He do that, Daddy? How can Mommy be needed more somewhere far away from us? From baby Brody who doesn’t have a Mommy. He will never know what having a Mommy is like.”

  “I don’t have those answers, sweet pea. I’m sorry, but I don’t.”

  “I see the other kids with their Mommies. They walk them to the classroom before school, and pick them up after. Some of the Mommies even come and eat lunch with their kids. It’s not fair.”

  “I know, baby, it’s not.”

  “Do you think she left us because I threw a fit when she wouldn’t buy me that dolly that I wanted? Maybe Jesus took her so she can help other kids who don’t cry when they don’t get the toys they want. Is that what happened, Daddy?”

  My heart aches at her questions. “No, baby, that’s not the reason. You’re not to blame for any of it. Please Clare, you need to know that you’re not the reason she died. None of us are. If she could, Mommy would still be here with us.”

  “Okay.” She picks up her spoon and begins to slowly eat her ice cream once again.

  “Clare. I know I haven’t been the best Daddy lately. I’m sorry for that. I’m sorry that I haven’t been there for you when you needed me.”

  “It’s okay. Grammy has helped a lot.”

  “Yes, yes she has. I want to smile again, Bink. I don’t know if I know how to do that anymore, but I want to try. I want to be the best Daddy for you and your brother. So, I think it’s time we made some changes.”

  “Changes?”

  “Yes, I think it’s time that you, Brody and me go home.”

  “Home?”

  “Yes, home to our house. To your room, to all your toys. What do you think about that?”

  “Okay.”

  “Just okay. Do you not want to go home? Do you want to stay with Grammy and Popa?”

  “I’m scared.” she whispers. “I’m scared to be home without Mommy.”

  “I know, Bink, me too.” I put my ice cream cone in Clare’s bowl and pick her up. I need to have my daughter in my lap. “But we need to do this. Mommy would want us to. She’d want Brody in his room that she decorated for him and you in your own bed playing with all your toys.”

  “Okay.” She tries to give me a reassuring blue bubblegum smile.

  7

  David

  “So, just like that?”

  “Yes, just like that.”

  Des and I are in the kitchen of my parent’s house. They have the kids out at the park while I discuss my plans for the future with her.

  “David¸ just a few weeks ago you didn’t even shave on a daily basis and now you think you can just take the kids back home and continue on with your life. You think you can handle them and going back to work?”

  “I’ve been shaving since I went out with you and Olivia. It isn’t a crime for a man to skip a few days. I thought you women thought it was sexy and shit when a man allows his stubble to grow. Hell, most men have full-on beards nowadays. You know, “fear the beard” and whatever else people are yapping about.”

  When I invited Destiny over this afternoon to discuss my plans about moving myself and the kids home, I really thought she would be on board with the idea. It seems like for weeks all she’s been spouting off to me about is how important it is for Clare to have balance, security, routine. How Brody’s being affected by the imbalance that’s been happening in our lives. He’s not progressing like he should. He should be doing more, eating more, advancing more and he isn’t. Just like the rest of us, he’s living his life on pause and it’s time that I hit the play button.

  “David, it’s not just about you showering and shaving. You have two kids, don’t you think that’s the least of your problems.”

  “Jesus, Des, I can’t win for losing with you. You’ve been bitching at me for how many months now about getting on with my life. About doing what’s best for Clare and now I’m finally seeing that you were right. Yes, I said it, you were right. Now you’re telling me that I’m wrong.”

  “It’s been five months.”

  “I know that, Des, you don’t have to tell me how long it’s been since my wife died. I know the months, the days and probably the exact hour since she passed.”

  “I’m worried about you. This is me, your sister talking. Not a therapist. Not your daughter’s therapist but me, Des, your little sister. I don’t want you to go all gung ho and then fail and be left thinking ‘what the fuck do I do now?’”

  “When was the last time you have known me to fail?”

  “I haven’t.”

  “Then why do you think I’ll start now. I’m a brilliant attorney. I know that I was one hell of a father when Kate was alive, and I know that I’ll continue to be one. She’s given me two beautiful gifts. Not only that, she’s taught me so much. It’s because of her I know that I can do this. I know I can.”

  “I believe you can too. I do. I agree that Clare needs this. I can tell by her therapy and what she’s told me and Olivia that she needs to move on and be the little girl she’s meant to be.”

  “We all need this, Destiny.”

  “Aunty Des, did Daddy tell you. Me, him and Brody are going home in a couple of days. I get to sleep in my bed and play with all my toys. Not just the ones Grammy has here.” Clare comes running into the kitchen with my parents and Brody close on her heels.

  “I heard, swee
t girl. Are you excited?”

  “Mostly.”

  I know what mostly means, but I don’t want to explain that to Des right now. I just shake my head when she gives me the evil eye. I know that while she wants us to move on; she’s scared for us. She’s scared for me having to do it all on my own, especially with how demanding my work schedule can be.

  Since Kate and I decided to have a family she cut back on her schedule, only working three days a week preparing for trials. Her firm allowed her to work as a partner so if there was a time when she couldn’t make a case it wouldn’t affect her client’s case. I’ve always worked solo. But being in corporate law, my case load wasn’t nearly as hectic. Demanding, yes, but hectic, no. Luckily for me my client list is made up of old money and old companies. When you’ve been established for as long as some of them have been, seeing the inside of a courtroom wasn’t a typical way to spend one’s day. I typically handled the day-to-day legal issues of many of the companies. But when a CEO of a billion dollar company tells you to meet him at his house at eight o’clock on a Sunday, you are there at eight o’clock on a Sunday, sometimes with bells on.

  “I think it’s a wonderful idea,” mom says. “Although I’m going to miss them here at night, I’ll still see them during the day.”

  “Mom’s going to watch the kids for a while when I’m at work so we can get on a schedule and get things running smoothly before I find someone else to take care of them.”

  “Well, that’s a good idea. We wouldn’t want the kids thrown at a stranger.”

  My sister is so wishy washy on this subject. I’m starting to doubt her ability to be a therapist. I thought those who work in the mental health department were straight arrows. I should have known she wouldn’t fit the stereotypical mold. “I know what I’m doing, Des. Do you think I would uproot them unnecessarily? I know how important Mom and Dad are to the kids, now more than ever. They’ll still be very much a part of their lives, but we are moving back to our own house.”

  “Alright, big brother. Alright. I support you.”

  “Well you better.” I take a deep breath. “Because I need you to meet me at the house in two days. I need someone there with me the first time I go back and I need it to be you.”

  “Of course, David. I’ll be there.”

  Yeah, you heard that right. I haven’t been to the house I shared with my wife since the morning we both walked out the front door on the way to her appointment. My mom has been there several times. Dusting, opening the windows, airing it out. Me, I’ve stayed as far away from that house as humanly possible. She’s made trip after trip gathering things the kids and I have needed while we stayed with them. I’m not ashamed that at the age of thirty-eight my mother has been through my underwear drawer. I’m sure she’s snooped through the nightstands as well. And most married couples know what is kept in the nightstands, yes I am sure my mother has seen my lube and my wife’s vibrators, yes, plural. My Kate always did have a strong sex drive.

  8

  David

  The sun is starting to set for the night, allowing its rays to dance on the water of the Pacific Ocean. I walk up the stoned pathway counting the steps as I go. The hills are covered in emerald grass and grey headstones. The cemetery. Another place I’ve not been able to bring myself to visit. Man, what kind of fucking husband am I that I haven’t visited my wife’s grave in five months? I can tell that my sister has made good on her promise to bring Clare here after their therapy sessions because there are several handmade clay flowers at the base of the headstone. I wonder what goes through Clare’s mind. I’m too chicken shit to ask my seven year-old daughter about her visits to her dead mother’s grave. It’s like if I don’t acknowledge it, then it isn’t happening.

  The grass that covers my wife’s grave has already taken root. The spring air and early summer warmth has helped it along. It looks like it’s been longer than five months since she was buried. The grass camouflages the fact that it’s holding the love of my life only six feet below. Here I stand, my hands in my pockets in front of the headstone, on top of a plot that holds just about everything that is precious to me.

  Kate Kyles McAllister

  Loving Daughter, Wife and Mother

  She was so much more. There were so many other words that needed to be used to describe my wife. Those three words were generic, they were just a label without a meaning because my Kate was so much more than those three things. She was everything to her parents. She was their pride and joy. She was the best daughter, always aiming to please them, never letting them worry without warrant. She wasn’t just my wife, she was my hero, my daughter’s hero, I know she would have been my son’s hero. You know what they say, a son’s mom is the first woman he will ever love. Brody won’t get that chance. Kate was my everything, my strength, my light. She was everything that I needed in order to be who I wanted to be. She was my daughter’s whole world. Damn, the word mother didn’t even begin to describe what Kate was to Clare. Hell, even the title wife is beneath Kate, because she was just so much more. She still is so much more.

  The breeze is strong for the summer, but it wouldn’t be the bay if there wasn’t a breeze blowing. As much as I hate that Kate is here, in the ground never to see her children grow, it warms my heart that she has such a beautiful view of the ocean. Man, did Kate love the ocean.

  *

  “Why are we here?” Kate asks as we pull up into the parking area near the entrance of the beach.

  “Because I love you and I wanted to surprise you. I thought you’d enjoy the sun and the breeze. I packed some snacks but I thought we we’d grab some bread bowls of clam chowder before we make our way down to the sand.”

  “That sounds perfect.”

  *

  The memory fades. She was right, it was perfect. The sun made her skin feel so warm beneath my fingers. Her laughs were carried away by the ocean breeze, the look of shock on her face and the tears that rolled down her face as I got down on my knee in the sand and asked her to be my wife. I was lucky the tide didn’t come in and take me out to sea, but she was worth it. The entire day was perfect. Our life was perfect. Now, she was gone and I was living with heartache that didn’t seem to be getting any better with time. “My God, Kate.” I look up at the sky willing away the tears that threaten. “Everything was so perfect and then it wasn’t. We were talking about our son, our Brody, our future and then you were just gone. It wasn’t supposed to be like this.”

  I run my hands through my hair pulling at the ends. The graveyard is empty. I can hear the ocean in the distance banging against the cliffs. “I feel like I’m drowning here. I feel like I can’t come up for air. My grief is dragging me under, it’s dragging the kids under. Damn it, damn it all to hell. I’m so angry, I’m fucking angry all the time.” I pull at my hair again, and this time tears willingly flow down my face. “GOD DAMN IT!!” I scream at the top of my lungs. I pace back and forth in front of her grave. “I hate life, I hate that you were taken away from me.” I flex and release my fists at my sides. “I hate that I let you join me for lunch those years ago. I should have just stuck to my plan, to study law and become a successful attorney. Why did you have to walk up to my table, Kate, why? Why was I so weak, why didn’t I tell you no? Why did I fall in love with you? I wish I could have done everything differently, as much as it hurts me to say that, I wish I would have told you no. Maybe if I did, then you would still be alive, you would have been able to continue to live, to be able to love and watch your children grow, but no. I was so damn selfish I had to fucking have you.”

  I bend down and run my hands over the smooth cold serve of the granite stone. I trail my fingers over her name feeling the grooves along my fingertips. “This isn’t supposed to be how it is.” I trace my finger around the ‘K’ of her name. “You aren’t supposed to be gone.” The ‘A’ is just as smooth as the letter before. “The kids aren’t supposed to be without their mother.” The sob I’ve been trying to hold back breaks free. “It was su
pposed to be you and me, for the rest of our lives.” The ‘T’ is just as smooth, “I love you, Kate, so goddamn much that I’m not sure how I’m ever supposed to live with this pain.” The ‘E’ ends her name. “I’m broken. I’m empty and I hate what your death is doing to me.” I stutter, trying to catch my breath. “I don’t know what to do. I need you so fucking bad, it hurts so fucking much.” I take a breath, calming myself. “I don’t know if I have the strength to continue because, baby, I got my strength from you and when you left, you took everything I live for with you.”

  I stand up, willing myself to get control of my emotions. “I can’t see the light here, baby. I can’t think about the future or what it might bring because I can’t do it without you standing next to me. I don’t want to forget you, I’m so scared of that happening, that I’m going to forget what your touch feels like, what my name upon your lips sounds like, what your kisses do to me. I’m so scared of living with you no longer here.”

  *

  “Do you ever sit and think about the future and everything that it holds for us?” Kate asks while we lay in bed. It’s early morning, once again our son isn’t allowing his mother to get a good night’s rest. He seems to be a soccer player and loves to kick his mommy’s bladder. I notice the sun is starting to rise, bringing forth a new day.

  “I see a lot, baby. A lot of happy times in our future.” I love that her head is resting on my chest. Her belly pushed up against my side. Her leg thrown over mine.

  “Do you ever wonder how the kids will be when they’re grown?”

  “I just want them to be happy with their lives. I want them to do what brings them joy.”

  “They will. They have good examples on how to live a happy life.”

  “That they do. They have the best mother to teach them everything they need to know.”