I know what she’s talking about. “It’s been five months since my wife has passed.”
She looks down at her tablet studying something on the screen.
“Are you sure about that?” Her question is odd.
“What do you mean am I sure about that?”
“Well, from my notes and the dates you have told me previously you seem to have lost track. It’s been six months since your wife’s passing. I’m surprised you haven’t noticed.”
I’m shocked. I think back to the date it happened and count forward to today’s date. “Would you like to see a calendar?”
“How is that possible? Everyone in my family has been saying the same thing.”
“Maybe they say it because they are just repeating what you tell them. Their lack of keeping track of the day your wife passed doesn’t make them love her any less. It’s just different for the family members who weren’t directly affected by the death.” I look up to her ready to defend my family’s feelings when it came to my wife. “Wait, before you attack me, let me finish what I was trying to say. Yes, Kate’s death has affected them. But the way in which you have handled it has undoubtedly affected them more. They may or may not have caught your timeline discrepancy. If your sister were to have made the same mistake, would you have corrected her?” My lack of answer was answer enough for her. “So why do you think you haven’t been able to keep track of the dates so admittedly as you have in the past six months?”
“Maybe I’ve been busy with the kids. With trying to get my life back.”
“With living?”
Guilt immediately eats away at me. Trying to be a better father for my children doesn’t mean that I’m trying to live. I’m just trying to be a parent since I’m their last resort.
“I’m not sure you can classify what I’ve been doing as living. I’m still in the existing phase. I haven’t stepped over that line yet. I’m existing for my kids. For my family.”
“Alright, last week you spoke about moving home. Have you accomplished that yet?”
“Yes, that happened yesterday. I wanted to make sure I did that before our next visit. I knew you would have questions and if I’m being honest, I don’t know how much I can rely on my memory anymore so I thought moving the day before our session would be the most beneficial.” My response makes a smile cross her face. “Why does that make you smile?”
“Well, because if you would have asked me six months ago if you would be consciously aware of our sessions, I may have laughed.”
“If you would have asked me six months ago if I would still be seeing a shrink, I would have laughed.”
“Alright, you got me there. I was actually thinking the exact same thing, but I just didn’t want to be rude.”
“Touché.”
“So how was everything last night?”
“Well, it was probably worse than I expected. Destiny couldn’t make it because she had an emergency so Olivia showed up.”
“Hm, interesting. How did that make you feel? I wasn’t aware that you two were friends.”
“Well we aren’t. I’ve only met her once, but I guess my sister has been talking to her about what I’ve been going through. I think that’s the reason why Livie showed up yesterday. I felt it was odd because the night I met her she didn’t mention anything to me about Kate or what happened. I mean, that was a while ago so I’m sure Destiny has spoken to her in great lengths since then. Clare sees them quite often.”
“Livie?”
“Sorry, Olivia.”
“I know whom you’re speaking about, but I find it odd that you call her by a name that is used as a form of familiarity.”
“She told me the night we met that she would rather I call her Liv or Livie instead of Olivia.” I’m not sure why she’s questioning me about this. But over the last few months I have learned to not question the all powerful Dr. Bernstein.
“Hm. What transpired once you and Ms. Conrad went to your house?”
“I’m sorry Conrad? Is that Olivia’s last name? I wasn’t aware.”
“Yes it is. Please, David, focus.”
“Alright, sorry. Well, as you know I’ve made it a point not to go to the house over the past six months. My sister was supposed to meet me, but she couldn’t. I didn’t know that at the time. I was too caught up in the memories that were haunting me to notice that Olivia was standing at my car window. From there, it went from bad to worse.”
“How do you mean?”
“Well, Liv has a harsh way about her. Her being as small as she is, she doesn’t take any crap and it seemed that yesterday the only thing that I was offering was a bunch of bullshit. I acted like a child.”
“Seems fitting since she deals with children.”
“True, but she got me through it. I’m sure after having me as a patient for a few hours she’s thanking her lucky stars that she deals with adolescents and not the crazy, angry workings of adults.”
“Were you that bad?”
“Yes, I can say I was that bad. My anger took over so much that I don’t even remember some of the things that I said to her. The names that I called her. I actually put my hands on her and lifted her up. I put hands on a woman and I did it all without even realizing it. I’m not sure what would have happened if my sister hadn’t come when she did.” Christ, just saying it again made me sick to my stomach.
“Emotions run high in these types of situations, David. I’m certainly not making excuses for your behavior, but I’m sure by Ms. Conrad’s reputation she made you feel like a wild animal that was cornered.”
“She was like a wild animal,” I argue. “I couldn’t get her to back off.”
“So how did things end?”
“Well, I think I reached my breaking point. I’m not saying that I’m on the road to recovery, I feel that I’m far from that. But I think blowing up like I did was the best thing that could have happened.”
“I see.”
“I had so many fears about going home. About seeing an atmosphere that held so many memories. So many good times. I thought if I walked into that house that Kate would be there. That her ghost would be there at every turn. I’m not sure if I thought she would be upset, or mad or angry that I’m here with the kids and she isn’t. Maybe I’ve watched one too many reality shows about spirits. I’ve had so much fear about facing the future without her. Once I lost it, I realized that Kate would always be there, and it wasn’t a bad thing. It’s a good thing that I can feel her. It’s a good thing that I feel her spirit with me, with the kids in the house that I plan on raising them in. I feel that even though she may be gone, she isn’t that far away. That’s comforting for me. I realize that Kate can still be my strength, her memory is my strength.”
“And Olivia helped you realized all this?”
“Yeah, I guess she did.”
“Then what happened?”
“She said her work was done and then she left.”
“Just like that? She got what she wanted and then she left?”
“Yes, but she came back.”
“She came back?”
“Yes, this morning. She came back and helped me get Clare ready and off to school. She said she knew I had appointments I needed to get to.”
“Hmm, interesting.”
17
David
Once my session was over I drove to my firm. It was about time that I met with the partners face-to-face instead of the constant emails that I had been sending once a week telling them that I’m just not ready to come back. Logically, I’m not emotionally stable enough to spend long days away from my kids and deal with the added pressure of making sure my clients and the partners were happy.
The last comment that Dr. Bernstein made stayed with me the entire drive to my work. I’m not understanding why Olivia’s visit this morning should have been seen as interesting to Dr. Bernstein. I pull up to the garage of the building which housed my law firm. I’d hoped one day to see my name on the building proving to ev
eryone that I was in fact a great lawyer whose hard work had paid off. But now, being a single parent, I’m not sure that will ever be possible. I’m not sure if making partner was something that I even wanted anymore.
Once I make my way through the lobby, I notice many of the employees do double takes at my arrival. It doesn’t surprise me. But I seriously hope I don’t hear any of the condolence speeches that I’m beginning to despise. Riding the elevator up to the twentieth floor, I make my way to the reception area. My office is dark and the door is closed. It kinda comforts me knowing that my office has remained empty all these months. I half expected for a new lawyer to have taken up residence during my absence. “Bess,” I say to one of the partner’s secretaries. She looks up and her smile grows. Her blue eyes twinkle behind her dark rimmed glasses, her graying hair is pulled up in her signature bun. This woman has always held a special place in my heart. She may be Elizabeth to everyone in the office, but to me, she will always be Bess.
“Ah, David, it’s so nice to see you, honey.”
I smile at her compassion. “Is Robert in? I would like a moment.”
“Elizabeth, get me Rodgers on the phone.” The lead partner, Robert Keller comes barreling out of his office. He’s a big man, even with my six-foot-four frame, his size is still intimidating. It’s a good tool to use in the courtroom. His size is large, but his voice blows you away. That man does not know what an inside voice is.
“Mr. Keller, David is here to see you.”
“I can see that, Elizabeth, I’m not blind. Follow me, David.” He turns right around and returns to his office. I smile at Bess and follow my boss. “David, have a seat. What can I do for you?”
“Well, Robert, I think it’s about time that I come back to the office. Maybe pick up some of my caseload.”
“You know, David, being gone from the office for six months is a long time.”
I knew this wasn’t going to be easy. “I understand that, sir. I appreciate that you’ve been so understanding. Having this time off to grieve and to spend with my children has been beneficial for them. It’s been beneficial for me as well. I’m not sure what kind of an asset I would have been if I’d returned any sooner. To be honest, I’m still not sure how I’m going to fare here. But I need to get back to the grind.”
“It’s because of your track record here that you still have an office, David. Well that and my wife would never forgive me if I let you go at a time when you were down and out. She loved Kate, she thought of her as a daughter and she gave me a lashing a time or two when I questioned your loyalty to the firm.”
“I appreciate Betty very much. Please tell her my thanks when you see her tonight.”
“There have been a few clients asking about you. Wanting your opinion on certain matters and your expertise to close up a few deals they’ve been looking at.”
“Alright, I would be happy to help. I can be in on Monday. Who has been asking for me?”
“Well, first off, Giovanni Matteo Zanetti is looking to expand and pick up a winery in Texas. He wants you to work with his real estate brokerage firm to make sure the business side of the vineyard is taking care of.”
“Okay, seems simple. Am I going to have to pay the vineyard a visit?”
“I’m sure when the time comes Zanetti is going to want you there to execute the contract. From what I hear, he’s fast tracking this project. The word around the water cooler is that Zanetti is finally off the market and he’s purchasing the vineyard to be closer to his love interest.”
“Well, that’s great for John. With everything that’s been happening in my personal life I haven’t had a chance to talk with John. If there’s finally a love interest for him, I think I may need to touch base.” I’m not sure how I can say this without sounding like a total whiney ass. “Robert, I’m not sure I will be able to leave my kids right now. I’m not sure how Clare will feel about me being out of state.”
“David, this is your career, and sometimes we have to make sacrifices for the career we’ve worked hard for. You have worked hard to be the attorney you are today. Your daughter should know that.”
“She’s seven.”
“She’s your daughter, yours and Kate’s. She will understand if you explain it to her. If it wasn’t so unprofessional I would tell you to take them with you, but we both know that’s not how this works.”
“I understand. What else?” I really do understand. The professional, the lawyer David McAllister understands. It’s the father and newly widowed David McAllister, who is having a hard time wrapping his brain around the fact that he may need to leave his kids. How is Clare really going to act when I tell her that I may be going away on a business trip.
“Nathan Whitmore from New York is looking on expanding Whitmore Assets to the west coast.”
“Whitmore Assets? Isn’t that a security firm back east? He’s the most wanted security firm there is right now. I read that he’s doing big things as of late.”
“Yes he is. Nathan is keen when it comes to security of all types. Right now he’s highly rated when it comes to personal security. His assistant called two weeks ago asking for you personally to handle this.”
“How did he get my name? I don’t see how a corporate lawyer from San Francisco can have a reputation that travels as far as New York.”
“Well maybe you can ask him that question when you meet with him. I’m not sure if you will have to travel back east, or if he will come out west. But once you have the initial teleconference, then you both can figure out your schedules.”
“Alright, so tell me, what he’s looking to do?”
“He was initially interested in the Vegas area, but he’s now turned his attention to the Bay Area as well as Los Angeles and San Diego. We need to take care of everything for his expansion out west. He’s also opening up non-profit operations of Nathan’s House. Have you heard about that?”
“I have. It’s doing great things for children. It’s spreading like wildfire and his wife is the heat that’s stroking the fire.”
“He wants us to take that on as well. You may need to brush up on your non-profit policies.” I didn’t respond. I’m not sure how I feel about dealing with new companies, new takeovers, expansions. Start-ups always take so much time. They’re grueling and tedious.
“I guess I’ll get started on everything Monday morning.”
“Are you sure about this, David?”
“No, I’m not. But if I feel that I’m not representing the firm as I should, I will let you know, Robert.” Robert nodded, pleased with my reassurance that I had the firm’s best interests at heart.
“I’ll have someone help you. It might be better if I set you up with a partner. It will cut the hours for you. Will that help?”
“Yes, Robert. Thank you.”
“See you Monday, David.”
18
David
“I’m not sure, David. I think you’re moving too fast.” Why did I think my mother would support me and my decision to go back to work?
“Mom, there’s no way in hell that I will be sitting at the house everyday with Brody waiting for Clare to get out of school. I would drive myself insane, not to mention Brody.”
“David, you just went back home yesterday. Monday is in just a few days and you think that you can handle getting the kids and yourself ready and out the door on time?”
“I don’t have to be at the office at any certain time, Mom. I’ll be fine. If I have to get up at four in the morning to start my day, then I will. I just need this.”
“Alright,” she sighs, relenting.
“And I need you to take Brody and pick Clare up from school during the week. Until I find someone, or whatever.”
“Of course, dear, there isn’t a rush. I will be glad to keep my grandchildren. I’ll even help Clare with her homework so you don’t have to deal with it in the evenings.”
“Thanks, Mom.”
I hear the front door slam and what sounds like my sister and
possibly Olivia entering the house. “In here, honey.” mom yells to Des. The two girls come barreling into the kitchen, laughing at some unknown joke.
How little Olivia is still takes me by surprise. She has such a presence about her that it throws me off kilter a bit. Her golden tresses are thrown up in a high ponytail. The slight curls of her hair hang down on either side of her face. She’s in a navy blue summer dress that has tiny pink flowers on it. It hits just above her knee and is paired with a jean jacket. When she looks from Destiny to me I see her pause a bit then continue on her way into the kitchen where my mother and I are. “Hey,” Destiny says. “What are you guys doing?” She looks around, I’m assuming looking for Brody.
“He’s asleep,” I tell her without her having to ask the question.
“David has just informed me that he’s going back to work Monday.”
“Really?” Des looks at me.
“You don’t sound so convinced.”
“Well, brother, from what Liv told me, you barely survived this morning without the addition of having to dress yourself for the office.”
My mother hits my arm. “What happened this morning?”
“Nothing happened.” I look over at Liv and she’s standing there with a smirk plastered on her face. My mother notices right away.
“David.”
“Oh for the love of God, David, just tell Mom what happened.”
“Okay, alright, geez, Liv may have helped me out this morning. I guess Clare wasn’t dressed appropriately.”
“She looked like an orphan.” Liv cut me off. “If I hadn’t shown up I’m sure Clare would have had a total fashion meltdown once those kids got a look at her. There were colors everywhere and patterns that no one had ever intended on putting together.”
Love After Pain Page 8