“She didn’t look that bad.” I come to my own defense.
“She looked that bad, Faith. She would have been the laughing stalk of that school. It would have scarred her for life!”
“Don’t be so dramatic, Livie.” I roll my eyes. “It’s just clothes.”
“David, you don’t know the first thing about fashion and how important it is to little girls.”
“She’s seven, Mom, I’m sure she didn’t care, since she’s the one that dressed herself.”
“I’ll make sure to school her on fashion,” My sister pipes in. “I can’t have my niece become the laughing stalk of her school. She might lose her bid on the popularity ladder before she even steps foot on the damn thing.”
“Oh my Lord, you ladies are making much too big of a deal about this. I should just switch her to a school where uniforms are a must.”
“So are you really going back to work Monday?” Olivia asks, thankfully changing the topic of discussion to something actually important.
“Yes.”
“Do you need help with the kids?” she asks.
“No, thanks, I think we’ll be fine. I have to get used to doing this by myself. I can’t keep depending on everyone to take care of the things that I need to do. I’m a well educated man. I believe I can get two kids out the door in a fashionable manner.” I see Livie cock her eyebrow. “What?”
“I’m not sure you should use the term fashionable.”
“Oh for everything that is holy. Please don’t start on the clothes thing again.”
I look at the clock and I have about an hour before I need to pick up Clare from school. The front door slams and in walks my father holding a box. “What do you have there, Carl?” mom questions him.
“I don’t know. It just came by courier.” He looks at the box and then at me. I can’t make out the emotion that flashes in his eyes. “It’s from Kate’s firm,” his voice is quiet.
“Oh, I’ll just go ahead and take that.” My mother steps forward and tries to take the box. Without realizing it, I snatch the box from her hands.
“What is it?” I visibly see her swallow.
“Well, um, her firm called early this morning and said they were going to courier over her belongings from her office. I guess it was cleaned out earlier this week because they’ve hired a new attorney and they needed the space.”
“Why didn’t you tell me?”
“I didn’t want to upset you, David. You’ve been making such great progress and I didn’t want you to have to deal with this.”
“She’s my wife,” I raise my voice.
“David, don’t you raise your voice towards your mother. I taught you better than that.” My father stepped close to me.
“Don’t, Carl, I’m fine. David, I understand that she was your wife.”
“Is my wife.”
“Is your wife. But you’re my son and I’ll continue to care and protect you until the last breath leaves my body. I’ll never regret the things that I do for you. If I can ease your pain in any way, then I will do it.”
“You should’ve told me.”
I put the box on the counter. I can feel everyone’s eyes on me, burning into the back of my neck. I’m sure they’re waiting for me to lose it or breakdown. With bated breath, I rip the tape from the box and open it. The first thing I see is Kate’s smiling face. It’s her in her wedding dress looking up at the camera. I’m posing in the back, but I’m faded so my eyes instantly drift to Kate’s stunning green eyes.
*
“Kate, you know it’s bad luck to see me before the wedding. I thought you wanted all things traditional?”
“I do, honey. That’s why there’s a door between us. Give me your hand.” She reaches through the door and I see her freshly manicured nails shine in the overhead lighting.
“What’s going on with you? Are you okay?”
“I’m perfect,” she says. “I just wanted a moment before it all becomes a whirlwind.” She squeezes my hand. “David, I wanted to tell you how much I love you. How happy you make me and how hard I’m going to try to be the best wife that I’m able to be. I will love you until my very last breath. You are the first person I think of when I wake and your smile is the last thing I see when I close my eyes at night. You always tell me how much I do for you, how much of a better person I allow you to be, but what I don’t say is that I’m only the reflection of the man who loves me wholeheartedly.” She squeezes my hand again. “I know that I have my vows all planned out, but I feel that I’m leaving too many things out. I feel like I’m not able to tell you how much you truly mean to me and how excited I am about the life we plan on living. I just want you to know, with all certainty that I will love you for the rest of my life.”
“Kate, I know all this. You show me every day. Becoming my wife only solidifies what I already know. You give me too much credit. Everything I am, I’ve learned from you, baby. Always from you. I will forever be your student and I plan on learning the ways of Kate until my the end of my dying days.”
*
“I need you to get Clare from school, Mom.” I close the box, leaving it on the counter. I turn around and keep my eyes on the floor while I leave the kitchen. I don’t need to see the pity in their eyes or hear what they think I want to hear. I just need to get out. I need to get out of here to find a moment to breathe. A moment of peace.
19
David
“His name was Brandon.” I look up to see mismatched eyes staring back at me. “My fiancée, his name was Brandon.” She pushes something closer to me and I look down. It’s a picture of a man, young guy, maybe a few years out of high school. I look around to see if my sister is here to bombard my pity party that I was quietly having in this dive bar. It’s the first bar I saw once I left my parent’s neighborhood. “She’s not coming. It’s just me,” Olivia says quietly.
I stare at the picture, at this man who seems to be so full of life. He had a spark in his eyes, his smile was wide and natural, so truthful. “We were school sweethearts.” My eyes flick up to see Olivia. Her smile was small, almost shy. “I know pathetic. I don’t say high school because we were so much more. We were friends before we were anything else. Brandon was there when I thought boys were gross. He was there when I saw that boys weren’t gross, but yummy. He was there through it all. Every milestone that I experienced throughout my life he was right by my side. He was my first boy hug, first kiss, first sexual partner. He was my first love. My life. Growing up, especially in high school, all my friends gave me a hard time because Brandon was my everything. I didn’t want to date other guys, I didn’t want to sleep around. All I wanted was Brandon and I know all he wanted was me too.”
“It was Brandon’s twenty-first birthday.” I watch her swallow. “He didn’t want to have a huge bash, just a dinner with his close family and friends. Since I wasn’t twenty-one yet, I told him that I would drive him and my parents. Little did I know that he had a surprise planned out for me.” I see the tears start to gather in her eyes. The emotions make the difference and the two colors stand out, even in the muted light of the bar, the blues and greens of her eyes shine. “Brandon was always thinking of me, putting me first. He would often tell me that putting me first came natural, like breathing. Well that night, in front of all our family and friends he proposed to me. He got down on one knee in front of the entire restaurant and asked me to be his wife. There wasn’t a doubt in my mind that I was supposed to be Brandon’s wife. I didn’t care that I was only twenty, that I hadn’t finished school, that we were both so young. I knew that I was supposed to marry that man. So I said yes, and we celebrated. And boy did we celebrate. For Brandon not wanting anything big, we sure did raise the roof at the restaurant. He had people drinking and celebrating with us that we didn’t even know.”
“On the way home, we were struck by a drunk driver.” The tears fall from her eyes. I feel my chest tighten by her revelation. By the tragedy that I am so familiar with. “Um, yeah so,
we were hit. My parents died on impact. They weren’t wearing their seat belts and they were thrown from the car. The impact was so great the paramedics on the scene said they were both gone before they were ejected. I still see their bodies being thrown in the air, landing on the pavement of the highway. It’s a nightmare that is so vivid, even today.”
“Did you see them?”
“No, no I didn’t, but I guess in my mind, I watch it happen over and over again.”
“I can imagine.”
“I woke up seven days later. My legs were broken. My collar bone was crushed where the seatbelt was. My face was completely black and blue. My lung had collapsed from the impact. They told me that I died twice in the ambulance.” Jesus. “When I was coherent enough, the doctor told me that my parents had passed. I remember frantically looking around the room for Brandon. I needed him there. I needed him to tell me there was a mistake, that my parents were okay, that we were all going to be okay. I kept calling for him, screaming his name, asking where he was. I started to panic and they had to sedate me. Two days later, the nurses finally told me that Brandon was in a coma. He was on life support. He had internal bleeding that they couldn’t get under control. His parents had only kept him alive so that I was able to say goodbye to him. To be able to kiss him one last time.”
“Olivia, I’m so damn sorry. I feel like a complete dick for how I’m handling Kate’s death when you have lost so much more and are still standing to tell about it. You’re so strong.”
“I wasn’t always like this, David. I wasn’t strong; I was lost just like you. Even more so. Don’t get me wrong, losing your wife, now that’s huge, that’s more pain than any one man should have to suffer through. But, David, you have your children. You have Clare who is a compact version of your wife. You have Brody who is going to grow to be the man you encourage him to be. I lost everything. I lost my past, my present, my future I was nothing; I was a shell of a person. I was in so much pain and hurting so bad that I tried to take my life, several times actually. I was in a dark place. I was in a place that I never thought I was ever going to leave. Until Dr. Bernstein.” My eyes widen in shock. “She was just out of med school when I met her. She was volunteering at the hospital that my aunt had put me in after my third attempt.” She smiles and lets out a little laugh. “You think I’m a pit bull, you should have seen her fourteen years ago when she was just starting out. Man, she pushed me and pushed me. She would not quit, she wouldn’t let up, she was in my face every day. She made me face my guilt every single day until the day came when the guilt was no longer there. I faced my life, I faced what I had become and I made a conscious decision to change it. She’s the reason why I made it my mission to be the best child therapist that I can be. It was because of her that I chose to help kids. I want to make sure that no matter what, they have a future, that they know they can still have a life. Even after they experience all the pain, they can still live. Because believe me, after everything I lost—I didn’t think living was an option for me.”
20
Olivia
I often wonder if there will ever be a time when I tell this story that I don’t break down and cry. It doesn’t matter who I share it with, how many times, or the years that may pass, the events of what happened in my life always feel like they happened yesterday when I re-tell them. I pick up on a lot of emotion from David while I’m telling him what happened to me, Brandon and my parents. He lost color in his face when he realized what I had lost. I know he feels sympathy for me. But I’m not telling him this so he can feel sorry for me. Those days are long gone, I’m telling him this so he can know that he will survive his own tragedy. He will survive the loss, the pain and he will overcome the hurdles he might face.
“I am so sorry, Livie.”
David reaches across the table and takes my hand. The warmth that I feel, once his large hand covers my tiny one wills my body to relax. I slump back in the booth just enough so that I don’t allow him to feel he needs to let my hand go. I don’t want him to let my hand go, to let me go.
I notice his arm is covering up the picture of Brandon. I know David doesn’t realize it, but the fact that I can’t see Brandon while he holds my hand means more to me then he will ever realize. After all these years I’ve not been able to let another man into my heart, into my life. I feel as though I would be letting Brandon down. If the roles were reversed and Brandon was alive while I was gone, he would mourn my death for the rest of his life. I’d always thought that I needed to have the same respect; that I needed to remember the love that I had for Brandon. I made a promise to myself and I’ve been good to my word. I’ve lived these past fourteen years still madly in love with my fiancé, still fiercely loyal to him and his memory.
But David, David is different. I see a man who is so devastatingly broken. I see the light in his clear blue eyes has dimmed. It may not be shining as brightly as it once had, but it’s still there and I know that’s something. He isn’t lost, he isn’t unsalvageable. He’s just broken, and I can work with broken. “So you see.” I look into his eyes, I make sure he sees me. I make sure he sees that I am not just a woman, but I am a woman who knows him, who knows what he has been going through. “I do understand. Not just from me being a professional, not just from me being educated in loss and survival. I understand because I have been where you are right now. I see you, David. I see you for who you are, and I see you for who you will become.”
“Dance with me?”
21
David
“What?” Olivia takes her hand from mine. I instantly feel the loss of her touch.
“Dance with me.”
“You’re crazy, David.” She quickly wipes the tears from her cheeks.
“Why? Because I want to dance with you? What’s so crazy about that?”
“Well, no. The fact that you want to dance with me is perfectly normal. I mean look at me, I’m hot.” I know she’s deflecting, trying to lighten the air around us by making jokes. She’s doing it for both our benefits.
“Come on, Livie.” I’ve never begged a woman to do anything with me. Ever.
“We’re in a hick bar, David.”
“And they have a jukebox.” I nod my head to the corner of the bar.
“Fine. I guess.” She hops down from the booth. Once she’s out, she takes the picture of Brandon and places it in the side pocket of her purse.
“Thank you,” I tell her as I lead her to the jukebox to place my selection. I don’t know what I’m doing exactly, but I just feel the need to hold her. To let her know that I get her pain and to thank her for not putting up with my crap. For seeing what I can’t yet see myself. I chose Garth Brooks, The Dance. I feel it’s perfect for the moment.
“Seriously? Are you trying to make me cry again? I thought we were done with the mopey moment.”
“Nope.” I take her hand and bring her body to mine. She’s so tiny against me. Her head barely reaches my cheek. “Tell me about him.” I want her to talk about Brandon, to know that she can discuss him with me. It’s strange, but I want to know that I can talk about Kate with her. She may be the only one that understands me, she doesn’t pity me, she’s just empathetic.
“Tell you about him?” She hugs her arms about my waist. “Well, let’s see. He had such big plans. He was going to save the world, cure cancer, solve the state’s drought problems. He was going to fix homelessness. He was always thinking like that, saving, fixing. He didn’t get his chance to finally decide how he was going to save the world. He died before he really got started.” I squeeze her closer, letting her know that I’m here.
“When we were kids my cat got hit. He was leaving my house one night and riding his bike on his way home, he found her. She was still alive. He wrapped her up in his t-shirt and rode his bike the few miles to the emergency vet clinic. Luckily, she survived and her injuries were minor. But he saved her. She could’ve laid there and suffered. Or she could’ve gotten hit again, another animal could have got her, but
he saved her for me. The funny part is—and yes, there is a funny part—that cat hated Brandon. She would always hiss and scratch at him. Even after everything happened, after he saved her, she still hated him. He used to get so mad because the cat wouldn’t let him touch her.”
“He sounds like he was a great man. Someone to be proud to be loved by.”
“You know most of the people from that night, the night of his birthday attended his funeral. People stood outside the funeral home, there were cars for days at the cemetery. Complete strangers celebrated his life and cried at the loss of him. That’s who Brandon was. He was life, he was passion, and he was love.” Like Kate.
I’m really not sure what to say. I know her pain isn’t as fresh as mine, but it doesn’t mean that it matters any less, that it hurts her any less.
Losing the one you love, the one you are supposed to live your life with, raise a family with, grow old with is a pain that will never truly go away. “I’ve never asked another woman to dance with me.”
“You are so full of shit.”
I laugh, “No, it’s true.” I rub my hand over the silkiness of her hair. “I never attended any of the those dances in school. I never wanted to be bothered by all the hoopla. I just wanted to study and graduate. I had a dream of becoming a world renowned corporate law attorney. I wanted my name to be known; to be feared in the corporate world. I’m no saint. Don’t get me wrong. I dated, a lot I might add.”
“Of course.”
“But I never put forth any effort. Not until Kate, but even then there was never any effort. In all the years together, I never once asked her to dance. Man, that kinda makes me a prick.”
“It kinda does,” she laughs.
I chuckle at her reply. “I appreciate that. But honestly, the things we did were just assumed, I guess. We fit, so there was never any question. If she wanted to dance then we would dance. If I wanted to then I would just grab her and take her on the dance floor and dance. I never thought to ask her, I always just assumed.”
Love After Pain Page 9