Master of Formalities

by Scott Meyer

  The two men stood by the transport as Wollard and Phee approached.

  Wollard bowed and said, “Know that two thousand, one hundred, and seventy-one conventional years have passed since the Terran Exodus. Today is the sixty-third and final day of the third month. We meet on the planet Apios, in the palace of the ruler, Lady Joanadie Jakabitus. This is the palace’s inner courtyard. I am Wollard, Master of Formalities for House Jakabitus, and I am honored to welcome you, Lord Ment Pavlon, ruler of the planet . . . Sheud, for a state visit.”

  The man in the orange and green robe bowed slightly. His hat loomed over Wollard as if it were in danger of falling on him. The man’s eyes darted to the second man, who nodded.

  The man in the robe said, “Greetings Wollard. I am Lord Ment Pavlon, as you said.”

  Wollard bowed.

  “This man,” Lord Pavlon said, gesturing toward his companion, “Is Soodon, my valet. I travel with him, my valet, Soodon.”

  “Very good, Milord,” Wollard said.

  “He accompanies me when I travel, as my valet, but he has no further significance.”

  “As you say, Milord.”

  Lord Pavlon leaned toward Wollard, looking him in the eye. “During our stay, if you could extend Soodon the level of hospitality appropriate to a visiting Lord’s valet, I would be most grateful.”

  “Of course, Milord.” Wollard bowed toward the valet. “You have my assurance that we will afford him every courtesy.”

  “But only those courtesies that are due a valet,” Lord Pavlon interjected. “Which is what he is.”

  Wollard said, “Indeed, Milord.”

  Wollard led Lord Pavlon and Soodon across the courtyard to Lady Jakabitus. “Please allow me to present Lady Joanadie Jakabitus, ruler of the planet Apios. Lady Jakabitus, this is Lord Pavlon, ruler of the planet . . . Sheud.”

  Both rulers bowed.

  “Welcome, Lord Pavlon,” Lady Jakabitus said. “I do appreciate you taking the time to meet with me.”

  “It’s my pleasure, Lady Jakabitus. I should introduce my valet, Soodon, who is my valet, and travels with me.”

  Phee tugged at Wollard’s sleeve. Noting the silent question in her eyes, he leaned in to speak to her discreetly. “His Lordship is traveling without a Master of Formalities. It’s not uncommon for a ruler to seem . . . unsettled in such circumstances.”

  Wollard refocused on the conversation in time to hear Lady Jakabitus say, “We have much to discuss, but we’ll get to that soon enough. First, I wonder if you’d like a quick tour of the palace?”

  Lord Pavlon glanced at Soodon, who nodded.

  “Yes,” Lord Pavlon said. “That sounds fine.”

  “Good. While we do that, your man can get your belongings settled in your quarters. We know you don’t intend to stay the night, but we thought you’d appreciate having a space of your own where you can rest and refresh yourself while you’re here.”

  “He will need quarters too,” Lord Pavlon blurted. “To wait in, while I’m in meetings. Servant’s quarters, of course.”

  Soodon gritted his teeth, then quickly adopted a more neutral expression.

  “Of course,” Lady Jakabitus said. “I’m sure Wollard can make the necessary arrangements.”

  “They are already made, Milady,” Wollard said. “Soodon, this is my protégée, Phee. She will show you first to His Lordship’s quarters, then to your own.”

  “I think that should work,” Lord Pavlon said.

  “Certainly,” Soodon agreed.

  “Yes,” Lord Pavlon said with greater conviction. “That will be quite satisfactory.”

  21.

  “And this is where you’ll be staying,” Phee said, leading Soodon into one of the spare rooms in the servants’ quarters. Long ago, the servants in Palace Koa had slept in a sort of barracks, separated by gender, with only the senior staff getting any real privacy. But as the staff had greatly diminished over the past few hundred years, and the palace had been modernized several times, the space had been reconfigured into generous private living accommodations for all of the staff, with rooms to spare for visitors.

  The room assigned to Soodon was a large and well-appointed, with a sleeping area, a dining area, its own bulkfab, and an attached lavatory. All of the furnishings were high quality and well maintained. It wouldn’t be ideal for raising a family, but it was quite comfortable for one person. Indeed, by most standards it would have been described as luxurious.

  Phee watched Soodon inspect the room, waiting for him to express amazement, gratitude, or preferably a mixture of both.

  “Adequate,” Soodon said. “For servant’s quarters, quite adequate. Of course, the other room was much nicer.”

  “Lord Pavlon’s room,” Phee said.

  “Yes, that was quite nice. Quite nice indeed.”

  “I’m glad you approve,” Phee said. “Lady Jakabitus takes great pride in her family’s treatment of her guests and their servants.”

  “As well she should. Phee, that is your name, Phee, right?”

  “Yes.”

  “You’re Wollard’s protégée. That means that you are bound by the same rules as a fully-fledged Master of Formalities. Is that right?”

  “Yes.”

  “Good. And if I were to tell you something in confidence, what would happen?”

  “If precedent supported maintaining your confidence, I would be honor bound not to divulge what we discussed.”

  “Very good. Phee, who’s in charge here?”

  “Lady Jakabitus is the ruler of Apios.”

  “Yes, I know, but who’s in charge of the palace staff?”

  “That would be Glaz, the palace expediter.”

  “Excellent. I wish to speak with this Glaz immediately.”

  It didn’t take long for Phee to locate Glaz and return with her. Soodon closed the door behind them and offered them a seat.

  “Glaz, Phee, I apologize for the subterfuge, but what I’m about to tell you is to be kept in the strictest confidence. The fact of the matter is that the man I arrived with is not Lord Pavlon. He is a decoy. I am Lord Pavlon.”

  Phee was stuck; she couldn’t think of the proper way for a Master of Formalities to request that someone repeat himself and preferably elaborate without sounding either rude or ill informed.

  Glaz said, “I’m sorry. What?” She was not a Master of Formalities.

  Soodon said, “He’s a decoy, my chief bodyguard. I know it might sound strange.”

  “It very well might,” Glaz said.

  Phee rather enjoyed letting Glaz take the lead for the moment.

  “It’s dangerous to be the ruler of . . . Sheud. My life is in constant peril. That’s why I, as the Ruler of . . . Sheud, choose to travel with a decoy.”

  “But surely your bodyguard shouldn’t be meeting with Her Ladyship; you should,” Glaz said.

  “He’s been well trained to act as my proxy. Sheud . . . sorry. Should some unforeseen situation arise, he’ll consult with me before making any decisions. That’s why we’ve cultivated his image to make him seem weak willed and uncertain.”

  “He did look to you for reassurance when you arrived,” Phee said.

  “Exactly,” Soodon said. “We try to give the impression that he’s being manipulated by his valet. It seems to work. Occasionally, whoever we’re meeting will start dealing directly with me in the hopes that I’ll sway Lord Pavlon’s opinion, not knowing that I’m actually Lord Pavlon.”

  “Clever,” Glaz said, “but I don’t like it. It’s disrespectful to Her Ladyship, and dangerous too. If someone attempts to kill your double, Her Ladyship will be in peril.”

  “But she’ll be standing next to the finest bodyguard my planet has to offer,” Soodon said. “She’s probably safer right now than she’s ever been before.”

  “Her Ladyship
has excellent security of her own. You can’t see it, but Palace Koa is a fortress.”

  “I’m sure it is,” Soodon agreed. “But if, when I agreed to visit, I’d said that I was bringing my own security, you wouldn’t have dropped all your defenses because Lord Pavlon has it covered. And when Lady Jakabitus travels, I’m sure she doesn’t just take it on faith that the rulers she’s visiting will keep her safe.”

  Glaz and Phee were quiet for a long time. Finally, they turned to each other, looking for a sign of what to do next. The clear message they both received was, Don’t ask me.

  Phee fell back on her training. She stood, bowed, and said “Lord Pavlon, I will—”

  Soodon raised a finger and interrupted. “I’m sorry. It’s very important that you never bow to me or refer to me as Lord Pavlon. I appreciate the gesture, but if you slipped and did that in public, even once, the whole ruse would be destroyed. Please, address me as an equal and call me Soodon.”

  “Yes, Soodon. I was just about to say that I would make Wollard aware—”

  “I’m sorry, again, but you cannot tell Wollard, Lady Jakabitus, or anyone else. This has to stay with us. I’m trusting you with my life.”

  Phee caught herself starting to bow and stopped. “Of course, Soodon.”

  “Very good. And you, Glaz?”

  Glaz said, “I’ll keep your secret as well, but I don’t like it.”

  “That’s perfectly understandable. I thank you for your cooperation. Now that you know the situation, I’d like to talk to you about my accommodations.”

  “Is there something wrong with the room?” Glaz asked.

  “No, there’s nothing wrong with it, per se, I’m just curious if there isn’t something a little more in keeping with my actual position.”

  Glaz said, “I suppose we could move you to one of the empty suites we hold for honored guests. It’s irregular, but not unheard of.”

  “We could say that we did it as a gesture of good will toward our future allies,” Phee offered.

  “That’s very smart, but really, it would be best if you said nothing about it at all. Also, please give me a suite that is as distant from my decoy’s suite as possible. It will defeat the whole purpose of our ruse if we’re placed too close to each other.”

  Glaz said, “That won’t be a problem.”

  “Good! Good,” Soodon said. “Now, what is your chef preparing for lunch?”

  22.

  “All right,” Hartchar said. “Back on the mat, facedown.”

  Rayzo dropped to the mat and lay facedown, spread-eagled in his sports shorts. The instant he was at rest, Hartchar shouted, “Go!”

  “Up! Get up, Boy!” Lord Jakabitus yelled from his mat-side seat.

  Before Lord Jakabitus had finished uttering the first syllable, Rayzo had sprung back to his feet and was hunched in a defensive posture.

  “Again, down,” Hartchar ordered. Rayzo dropped to the mat again. “Go!”

  “On your feet, Boy!” Frederain shouted. Again, Rayzo was standing faster than his father could tell him to stand. As the practice wore on, Hartchar and Frederain continued the refrain they’d developed, as if in chorus with each other.

  “Again. Hit the floor. Go.”

  “Stand up!”

  “Down again. Go.”

  “Up Boy! Up!”

  “Again. Go.”

  “Get up!”

  Hartchar clapped. “That’ll do for now. Remember, everybody gets knocked down. It’s part of sports. What’s more important is how you get back up. Not everybody gets back up, and even fewer get back up well. If your opponent knocks you down, but you’re back on your feet instantly, as if it never happened, it will be more demoralizing for him than getting knocked down was for you.”

  “Of course,” Hennik added, “it’s even more demoralizing if you knock your opponent down and never let him up again, wouldn’t you agree, Lord Jakabitus?”

  Hennik was sitting in his customary seat next to His Lordship. It was convenient, both for the view it afforded him of Rayzo’s training and for its proximity to Lord Jakabitus’s ear.

  “Quite,” Lord Jakabitus said. “Hartchar is a fine trainer, Rayzo, and I’m glad she’s spent the day working on this with you, but in general, I’d rather see you training to win than learning to simply avoid losing.”

  “Milord,” Hartchar said in a slow, controlled tone. “It’s hard to argue with what you say, but one of the important things that we learn from sports is the skill of turning failure into success.”

  “Very true, Hartchar,” Lord Jakabitus said.

  “Still,” Hennik added, “it’s better to not have failed to begin with, isn’t it, Lord Jakabitus?”

  “Of course, Hennik. Nobody can argue with that, wouldn’t you agree, Hartchar?”

  “That success is preferable to failure? Yes, Your Lordship.”

  Hennik smiled benignly at Rayzo.

  Hartchar got back to business. “Now Rayzo, we will work on—”

  “Hartchar, I don’t want to interrupt,” Hennik interrupted in a meek voice, “but I was hoping that I might train with Rayzo.”

  “Splendid, Hennik!” Lord Jakabitus smiled so hard it altered the shape of his moustache. “I’d been hoping you’d decide to participate.”

  “Yes,” Hartchar said. “Splendid. Be suited up for practice tomorrow, and we’ll—”

  “I was hoping I could start today,” Hennik said.

  “Good man,” Lord Jakabitus said. “Why delay, eh?”

  “Then why didn’t you say so at the beginning of the practice?” Hartchar asked. Lord Jakabitus cleared his throat, and she added, “Master Hennik.”

  Hennik looked up at Hartchar, then over at Lord Jakabitus, then at the floor, and said, “Shy, I guess.”

  “Oh, there’s no need for that,” Lord Jakabitus said. “Go suit up. I’m certain Hartchar would be too happy to let you join in.”

  “Too happy,” Hartchar agreed. “There are extra pairs of shorts in the preparation chamber. When you return, we’ll run some drills for—”

  “Actually,” Hennik said, “I was hoping I could start by sparring with Rayzo. Sports just looks like so much fun. I want to get right to it.”

  Lord Jakabitus laughed, slapped Hennik on the back, and said, “Well done. Yes, quite so. I like your attitude. Go suit up.”

  Hennik smiled at Lord Jakabitus, then at Rayzo, then ran to the preparation chamber.

  “Looks like you’ve got a fight on your hands, boy,” Lord Jakabitus said. “Remember, he’s a beginner.”

  “Yes, Father.”

  Hartchar put a hand on Rayzo’s shoulder and led him as far from Lord Jakabitus’s seat as they could get without leaving the mat. Rayzo was average height for a fourteen-year-old male Apiosan, but Hartchar was much taller. She kept her hand on the boy’s shoulder and looked him square in the eye.

  “As His Lordship said, Master Hennik is a beginner.”

  “Yes, Hartchar. I’ll take it easy on him.”

  “Don’t you dare, Master Rayzo.”

  “But Father said—”

  “Disregard what your father said,” Hartchar said. She nearly said, in this instance, but stopped herself. “Do you think, if roles were reversed, Master Hennik would take it easy on you? Do you think he intends to take it easy on you now? Can you picture Lord Jakabitus praising you for narrowly beating a first-time competitor?”

  After a small silence, Hartchar said, “The answer to all of those questions is no.”

  “I know it,” Rayzo said. “But Mother says that we must show compassion.”

  “Yes, but your mother, Her Ladyship, has no interest in sports. In a moment, Master Hennik is going to come out here. He is going to do everything he can to defeat you in front your father. He expects to succeed, or he wouldn’t be making the attempt.”<
br />
  “But, he’s never competed before. How can he expect to win?”

  “He’s a year older, he’s got superior height and reach, he’s more muscular, he’s more aggressive, and he’s spent the last week observing your training, looking for weaknesses. He knows all of this, and it has made him overconfident.”

  “You’re sure he’s overconfident?”

  “Yes, because he’s only seen you practice the fundamentals. He knows nothing of sports strategy. Approach him physically as a larger opponent, but mentally, think of him as a child. The moves that won you your first matches will earn you victory here. Now oil yourself up.”

  Hennik reemerged in a fresh pair of sports shorts. He was able to dress and undress rather quickly when he wasn’t being assisted, and the sports shorts didn’t take long to put on. Since it was his first match, Hennik was unranked, even within the palace, so his shorts were blank. He went to the oil dispenser to apply the last portion of the Apiosan sports regulation uniform. He looked to the time readout above the door and slowed down, taking a surprising amount of time to apply the oil. After nearly two minutes of thorough oil application, Hartchar asked, “Master Hennik, are you sure you want to do this?”

  “Of course I do,” he said, glancing again at the time.

  “I only ask, Master Hennik, because you appear to be stalling.”

  “Nonsense,” Hennik said, looking at the clock. He applied one last palm full of oil to his shoulder and said, “Yeah, that ought to do. That should be just fine.”

  He slowly stepped across the retractable bridge over the gutter and into the ring. Rayzo took his position for the advantage round. It occurred to Hennik for the first time that he wasn’t sure where he was supposed to stand. It didn’t concern him. He knew the basic structure of the game, which was laughably simplistic. If he found himself at a loss, his victory would be assured if he just did whatever Rayzo did, but better. If he did find himself in trouble, he had his secret weapon, but he was sure it wouldn’t be necessary.