Master of Formalities

by Scott Meyer

  Despite his size, his fearsome armor, and the fact that he was talking to his own wife, Phee thought Gint looked rather like a boy introducing himself to a girl he fancied. Umily seemed as if she were a girl who was interested in the boy pursuing her, but was trying to decide if he was worthy of her trust. In a sense, this was exactly what they both were.

  62.

  After a morning that had shot by in a blur of frenzied activity, and a lunch for the Jakabitus family that had passed slowly in excruciating silence, the entire staff, auxiliaries included, lined up in the courtyard to await the arrival of honored guests.

  The crowd of temporary help was abuzz with excitement until the Jakabitus family, including their adopted son Hennik, emerged from the palace in their third-finest dress uniforms, stepped down to the courtyard, and walked to their customary space in front of the main palace entrance, Lord and Lady Jakabitus in the lead, Rayzo and Hennik following behind.

  Quietly enough so that only his wife could hear, Lord Jakabitus said, “I understand why you’re doing this, Joanadie, but I don’t like it.”

  Lady Jakabitus said, “I know, but arranged marriages are just a fact of life for people of our rank.”

  “Not always. You didn’t have to submit to an arranged marriage. You got to marry whoever you wanted.”

  “Yes, Frederain, but I could marry anyone who met certain financial and social criteria, was fertile and of sound health, fell within a specific age range, and passed an extensive emotional stability test and moral background inquiry. Of the eight possible candidates, you were the clear choice.”

  “Well, it’s not very romantic when you put it that way,” he grunted.

  Lady Jakabitus let out a sympathetic moan, then said, “But I do love you, Frederain, I love you very much. I fell in love the instant I saw your name and picture on the list my father had compiled.”

  Migg and Phee followed the ruling family at a respectful distance, as always, then broke away from the ruling family so that Migg could address the staff, filling them in on what they should expect when the honored guests arrived. She knew all too well what could happen when people were exposed to the Hahn ruling family without preparation.

  Lady Jakabitus looked down at her son. “Rayzo,” she said, trying not to sound sad, “are you excited? You’re about to meet your future wife.”

  Rayzo neither looked at her nor said anything. Normally, she wouldn’t tolerate this, but given the circumstances, she decided to let it slide.

  “How about you, Hennik?” she asked. “Are you excited to see your family again?”

  Hennik looked up at her without replying. He had just seen Rayzo ignore her question, and saw no reason why he should do any different.

  This, Lady Jakabitus was not willing to let slide, and neither was Lord Jakabitus, but Rayzo spoke up before either of them could say anything.

  “Are you excited, Mother?” he asked. “You’re ending a war that has lasted generations, and all it’s costing you is your son.”

  “Both of your sons,” Hennik said.

  Lord Jakabitus growled, “You’re assuming your father wants you back.”

  “You’re hoping he won’t?” Hennik asked.

  “Quite the contrary,” Lord Jakabitus said.

  “Hennik,” Lady Jakabitus said, “it is my intention to offer your return as a token of good faith, but you should note that neither your father nor any of his representatives requested it. And as for your question, Rayzo, this is a great day for Apios and House Jakabitus, but there are parts of it I dread,” she turned to look at Hennik, “even while other parts delight me to my core.”

  Hennik looked at her, delighted. Rayzo looked at her, full of dread.

  Meanwhile, Migg was finishing up her brief address to the extended staff.

  “While you are all bound to offer the same courtesy to the Hahn ruling family you would offer the Jakabituses,” Migg said, “remember that whenever dealing with a member of the Hahn contingent that a Hahn’s primary goal is to inconvenience you. When the Hahn are rude to you—note, I did not say if—when they are rude, showing any irritation back will only encourage them.”

  Migg paused, giving her words a moment to sink in before she continued. “The best reaction is to simply act as if you have not noticed. It won’t be terribly satisfying for you, but it will be terribly unsatisfying for them. They may well escalate their behavior, which is their way of indicating that what you’re doing is working. Thank you for listening. I know you will all serve Her Ladyship well.”

  Migg and Phee returned to their assigned spot behind and to the side of Lady Jakabitus.

  Phee muttered, “I can’t believe the Hahn agreed to such a speedy wedding.”

  Migg said, “Lord Hahn is his son’s father. All I had to do was give His Lordship the impression that Lady Jakabitus didn’t want a fast wedding, and he nearly insisted on it.”

  “Still,” Phee said, “they’re going to be here for almost a full day before the ceremony. What if Hennik tips Lord Hahn off to the fact that Rayzo isn’t the weakling they’d hoped for?”

  “Phee, can you see that happening? Father, I want you to know that Rayzo Jakabitus is quite formidable. He bested me in a humiliating manner. That’s the last thing we have to worry about. Anyway, it’s too late now. Here they come.”

  A trail of fire and vapor appeared in the stratosphere, signaling the imminent arrival of the Hahn transport. The auxiliary staff shuddered with excitement. They had never before taken part in the greeting of a foreign dignitary. The permanent staff exchanged uncertain looks. The transport was approaching much more slowly than usual. It seemed odd to think of an item that was emitting a trail of fire as moving at a leisurely pace, but relatively speaking, it was.

  “Predictable,” Migg said. “Apiosan Orbital Control assigns a precise entry point and time for entering transports, but after that, the details are left to the pilot’s discretion, and this pilot is clearly following Lord Hahn’s orders.”

  The transport seemed to come to a complete stop thousands of feet above the palace. After several seconds of perfect stillness, it started to make a slow descent, like a balloon filled with cool air sinking to the floor. The craft seemingly took an eternity to drop to the altitude of the palace, then it hovered for a few moments before drifting forward as if nudged by the wind.

  While the Hahn transport took its time, the entire palace staff was standing idle on what was possibly the busiest day of their lives, and the Jakabitus family was experiencing the novelty of being kept waiting, a turn of events to which they were unaccustomed.

  Hennik was pleased.

  At long last, the transport wafted through the gates. It was an orbital transport of conventional design. It had probably come from the same coachbuilders on New-Oregon who built Lady Jakabitus’s own transports. In the time since then, it had been painted with alternating irregular red and blue stripes, carefully designed to make a viewer’s eyes hurt.

  The transport twisted sideways, in adherence to protocol, and Lady Jakabitus could see the outlines of several people peering out of the vehicle’s windows.

  The craft drifted to a stop inside the palace’s inner courtyard, then quickly spun one hundred and eighty degrees, so that the side of the craft without an exit was facing the palace entrance.

  In the empty space beneath the craft, they could see the egress ramp pour into place on the far side of the transport.

  Migg said, “Milady, good form dictates that I meet their Master of Formalities halfway, so we will have to walk a bit farther, but there is no requirement for anyone other than me and Phee to move at all.”

  A pair of feet could be seen leaving the ramp and circling around the transport. Migg and Phee set off at a brisk pace, and met the current Hahn Master of Formalities about two-thirds of the way to the craft. Lady Jakabitus had seen him before, via the feed in her o
ffice, and he was much as she remembered. His name was Kallump. He was tall and thin, as Masters of Formalities were wont to be; blond, as all Hahn were by Lord Hahn’s decree; and dressed in the distinctive mottled brown clothing of the Hahn, modified with the cuffs and collar lapels of the uniform of a Master of Formalities.

  Migg and Kallump worked through the formal greeting, complete with the various addendums and modifications on which the Hahn always insisted. After protracted negotiations, Kallump finally bowed, and more motion became visible on the far side of the transport.

  The first person to round the nose of the craft was a Hahn servant, who was walking backward with great care, both hands occupied with manipulating some sort of boxy device that was strapped to his chest. A moment later, a pair of spindly mechanical legs emerged, followed by four more legs, and then the device to which they were attached. The six folding legs met at the base of an ornate metal chair, complete with armrests and footrests. Nobody needed to be told that the man riding in the chair was His Lordship, Kamar Hahn.

  Lord Hahn’s complexion was often referred to as fair, which really meant pale white. His hair was commonly described as platinum blond, which also meant pale white. His limbs were so long and thin that his knees and elbows jutted out even when he was sitting in his custom-made chair, giving the impression that he was not so much a person as a pile of mismatched person-parts thrown in a heap.

  Lord Hahn’s eyes were striking, even from a distance. It wasn’t their light blue color so much as their intensity. They seemed to glow with energy. His smile was equally bright.

  The chair’s legs scrabbled wildly at the ground in their effort to keep Lord Hahn suspended and moving in the proper direction, but the chair’s motion was smooth and gentle. It had been cunningly designed to keep Lord Hahn comfortable, but make everyone else uncomfortable.

  Rayzo leaned over to Hennik and asked, in a hushed voice, “Did your father lose the use of his legs somehow?”

  “No,” Hennik said. “He can use his legs, he simply chooses not to. He says his legs are beneath him.”

  “Are all of your father’s jokes that bad?”

  “Yes, most are worse. Telling awful jokes and forcing people to laugh at them is a powerful demonstration of dominance, as is refusing to do the things everyone else has to do, such as walking.”

  “That doesn’t prove dominance,” Rayzo said. “It proves laziness.”

  “Hardly,” Hennik sniffed. “He puts far more effort into not doing things than it would take to just do them.”

  “Did he tell you that?”

  “Many times, at length. That’s another way he asserts dominance. Take that chair: It took a great deal of time and resources to design and build it. It’s made of exceedingly rare metals, hewn by my planet’s greatest craftsmen and engineers. It’s a one-of-a-kind work of art, and he controls it with his thoughts.”

  “Huh,” Rayzo said, impressed in spite of himself. “Then what’s that man walking backwards with that weird machine doing?”

  Hennik rolled his eyes. “He’s simply part of the apparatus. He anticipates what my father is thinking, then manipulates the chair accordingly.”

  “What if he fails to anticipate your father’s thoughts?”

  “He’s scrapped and replaced, like any other faulty component.”

  By this time, Lord Hahn had reached Kallump, Migg, and Phee, and the requisite pleasantries had been exchanged. Migg bowed. Lord Hahn nodded, and the rest of the Hahn party emerged from around the transport.

  Lady Inmu Hahn was predictably tall and unnervingly graceful. Her hair was a shade paler than her husband’s white-blond hair, and actually verged on a metallic silver color. She wore a flowing gown made from a fabric that was the same mottled brown color as all Hahn attire, but the thin, sheer material flowed gently around her, like a drab, brownish mist. She was too beautiful, so beautiful that it pushed through into its own version of ugliness. She was like a painting by a skilled artist who knew no restraint and filled every square inch of the canvas with flowers, birds, and puffy white clouds. Looking at her for too long made one uncomfortable, then agitated, and in the end, angry.

  Behind Lord and Lady Hahn came their daughter, heir apparent to the Hahn Empire, supreme commander of the Hahn armed forces, Hennik’s sister, and Rayzo’s bride to be, popularly known as Shimlish the Pig.

  Rayzo studied her with understandable interest. She was shorter than either of her parents, but taller than Hennik. Rayzo knew her to be sixteen years old. She shared her mother’s silvery hair and most of her facial features, but she had her father’s intense eyes. She wore the most graceful, feminine battle armor Rayzo had ever seen. It too was Hahn brown, but the effect was more practical camouflage than deliberate ugliness. She carried a combat helmet under her arm. The armor was scarred and scuffed enough to show that it had seen action.

  Rayzo was surprised to find that she was quite beautiful, though her beauty didn’t make his forced marriage any more appealing.

  The two female Hahn and Lord Hahn’s chair walked across the courtyard to meet House Jakabitus.

  “Lady Joanadie Jakabitus,” Migg said, “it is my pleasure to present Lord Kamar Hahn, ruler of the Hahn Home World. Lord Hahn, I present Lady Joanadie Jakabitus, ruler of the planet Apios.”

  Lord Kank, who had quickly become a trusted adviser and friend, had helped the Jakabitus family carefully plan how they would react to Lord Hahn’s inevitable remarks in the hopes of robbing him of any of the joy he’d gain from denigrating Lady Jakabitus and her family.

  Lady Jakabitus bowed slightly and said, “Lord Hahn, it is an honor to welcome you to my home.”

  Lord Hahn smiled, bowed, and said, “I agree with your statement, Lady Jakabitus.”

  Lady Jakabitus let out a tiny, polite laugh, as if she’d expected Lord Hahn’s joke. He smiled at her uneasily.

  “I expected you would. Please allow me to introduce my husband, Lord Frederain Jakabitus.”

  Lord Jakabitus bowed.

  Lord Hahn said, “A pleasure. It’s so seldom I get to meet a man who is truly irrelevant.”

  Frederain said nothing.

  “You have no reply?” Lord Hahn asked.

  Lord Jakabitus shrugged. “If I am irrelevant, then any comment I might make would be equally irrelevant, would it not?”

  “Quite,” Lord Hahn said, furrowing his brow.

  “And here are the boys,” Lady Jakabitus said. “This is Rayzo, your future son-in-law, and of course you know Hennik.”

  “Yes,” Lord Hahn said. “I must say, Rayzo, is it? I do hope you fit into my family as well as Hennik has clearly fit into yours. Yes, he looks right at home among your people.”

  “I haven’t fit in at all,” Hennik nearly shouted. “I’ve fought them at every opportunity.”

  “Oh, yes,” Lord Hahn said, “I can see your defiance in the way you’re standing here, silently, at attention, at the end of the line of reception.”

  All three members of the Jakabitus family felt a momentary pang of sympathy for Hennik. Not enough to speak up, of course. It would have done no good anyway. Having a Jakabitus stand up for him, even if it was to describe what a pain he’d been, would not have helped Hennik save face.

  Lord Hahn took a moment to enjoy an extended sneer in Hennik’s direction, then changed the subject. “I thank you,” he said in a perfunctory, almost mechanical manner, “for your hospitality. Please allow me to introduce my wife, Lady Inmu Hahn.”

  Until that moment, Rayzo had been unaware that it was possible to bow sarcastically. Somehow, her bearing made it clear that any compliments delivered by her would have the opposite meaning.

  After completing her deep, slow bow, Lady Hahn said, “I thank you, Lady Jakabitus, and your lovely family, for having us here in your beautiful home. I’m certain we’ll grow to be good friends.”

 
Lord Hahn said, “And this, as I’m sure you’ve surmised, is my daughter and your future daughter-in-law, heir apparent of the House Hahn, supreme commander of the Hahn military, Miss Shimlish Hahn, known throughout the galaxy as Shimlish the Pig.”

  Shimlish scowled as she bowed.

  My lovely bride to be, Rayzo thought. The very act of greeting me and my family is hateful to her.

  Shimlish’s armor rattled slightly as she rose from her bow. She stood silently, her mouth clamped into a straight, tight line.

  Neither Lord Hahn nor Lady Hahn turned to look at Shimlish, but Lady Hahn said, “Your wonderful future family has graciously invited you into their home. This is your chance to make a good first impression on these people who will be so important to you. Don’t you have anything to say to them, Shimlish, dear?”

  Shimlish exhaled heavily through bared teeth.

  It pains her to even speak to us, Rayzo thought.

  “Thank you,” Shimlish said quietly, “for inviting us into what will one day be my palace. I wish to honor your family by starting our relationship with total honesty. I have consented to marry your son, and I will soon technically be a member of your family, but understand that if I have my way, once your son and I begin cohabitating, you will never see him or me on this planet again in your lifetime.”

  “I appreciate your candor,” Lady Jakabitus said.

  “Yes,” Rayzo said, speaking out of turn. “And please allow me to be equally honest when I assure you that you will not get your way.”

  Normally, Lady Jakabitus would have scolded Rayzo if he’d said something impertinent to a visitor, but instead she was filled with pride. The visiting Hahn all stared at Rayzo, their faces registering differing amounts of surprise.