Master of Formalities

by Scott Meyer

  “That is also an option,” Wollard said, “but I must point out that by agreeing to this marriage in the first place, House Hahn tacitly expressed a wish for peace. In the face of the wedding’s cancellation, any return to open conflict could be interpreted as an act of petty revenge, and would almost certainly result in a loss of face for House Hahn. In that case, the Hahn Home World would likely lose recognition as a civilized world. Apios’s standing would be unaffected.”

  “Wait,” Lady Jakabitus said. “Are you saying that the war on Ophion 6 is over, but the wedding is off?”

  Wollard smiled. “I am suggesting that the scenario you just explained is the optimal course of action for both House Jakabitus and House Hahn, Milady. Unless, of course, Master Rayzo and Miss Shimlish express an overwhelming desire to be married, in which case, it would be poor form to stop them.”

  Rayzo looked to Shimlish, who raised her blast shield to look back. They didn’t say a word, but they were clearly in agreement. Rayzo turned to Wollard and said, “We regretfully announce that we’ve broken off our engagement.”

  “It is a mutual decision,” Shimlish added, “and we thank the citizens of both of our worlds for respecting our privacy during this difficult time.”

  “Well,” Lady Jakabitus said. “Huh. I see. Most interesting. I suppose I should start by saying welcome back, Wollard.”

  “I’m delighted to be back, Milady.”

  “And Migg,” Lady Jakabitus said, then paused before continuing, “I honestly don’t know what to say to you at this point.”

  “Good form dictates that you thank her for her efforts, regardless of the results, Milady,” Wollard offered.

  “I thank you for your efforts, Migg.”

  “And I thank you for the opportunity, Milady,” Migg replied.

  “And Lord Hahn,” Wollard said, “I don’t wish to step on Kallump’s toes, but the Formalities would also suggest that you thank Migg for her efforts, as her apparent attempt to serve two masters at once would seem to be what has landed her in her current predicament.”

  Lord Hahn seethed at Wollard, then looked at the hundreds of seated dignitaries from around the galaxy who were hanging on every word of what had turned out to be the most interesting wedding they’d ever attended.

  “Migg,” Lord Hahn spat, every word seeming to cause him physical pain, “I also thank you for your . . . efforts.”

  Migg replied, “And I thank you for the opportunity as well,” which did nothing to alleviate his pain.

  After enjoying the sight of Lord Hahn uncomfortable for a moment, Migg turned to Wollard and said, “The Formalities have been satisfied. I understand and accept the notice you have delivered. I request leave to return to my quarters to collect my things for my journey to the Central Authority.”

  “That will not be necessary,” Wollard said. “As the Arbiters sent me here directly via their own interstellar transport, and said transport must return to the Central Authority anyway, you are directed to proceed directly to the courtyard to board it.”

  “But I should at the very least change out of my formal blacks.”

  Wollard smiled. “There’ll be time for that during your processing.”

  Phee said, “Pardon me, Wollard. May I please accompany Migg to the transport?”

  Wollard agreed, and Phee and Migg walked up the aisle and around Lord Hahn’s destroyed armor cube, which was still radiating heat. They approached the Arbiters’ transport, which was sleek and smooth, and such a dark shade of black that it was difficult to discern anything else about it.

  “Well, Phee,” Migg said, stopping just before entering the craft. “How do you feel?”

  “Conflicted,” Phee answered. “I think someone I know put it best. She said, I’m sorry that you’re unhappy, but I’m delighted by what’s making you that way.”

  “I’m not as unhappy as you might think, Phee. My goals were to end the war, improve Mistress Shimlish’s position, and escape Lord Hahn.”

  “But you’re going to be scrutinized.”

  “I don’t know much about the scrutinizers, but I am sure that I’ll prefer them to Lord Hahn. Good-bye, Phee. You’ve been a fine protégée.”

  “Good-bye, Migg. Working with you has taught me a great deal.”

  69.

  The members of House Jakabitus and House Hahn retired to their personal quarters to recover from the day’s events. Wollard and Phee personally expressed the gratitude and regrets of House Jakabitus to each and every dignitary as they left.

  Once all the guests had been given their due and were on their way, the Hahn could safely vacate without the risk of an unpleasant public scene.

  Lady Jakabitus, Lord Jakabitus, and Rayzo came to the courtyard to see them off, and were predictably kept waiting. When the Hahn finally did arrive, Hennik was trailing them, wearing the brown jumpsuit in which he’d been captured.

  Lady Jakabitus opened her mouth to speak, but was interrupted by Rayzo, who asked, “If it pleases you, Lord Hahn, Mother, may I have a moment alone with the young lady I nearly married?”

  Lady Jakabitus nodded. Lord Hahn looked away, which was as close to permission as he was likely to give. Rayzo and Shimlish walked a far enough distance to ensure they wouldn’t be overheard.

  Rayzo said, “I just wanted to let you know that I’ll keep your secret. I don’t see any reason for telling my mother that you’re not really the head of the Hahn military now that the war’s over.”

  “Thank you,” Shimlish said, “but it’s not necessary. I’ve been removed from my position. In order to save face, Father intends to blame the cancellation of the wedding on me. Apparently, I was unable to fully seduce you because of my disgusting piggishness.”

  Rayzo moaned. “Shimlish, I’m sorry.”

  “Don’t be. I’m happy. I lost my title in a way that allows me to keep breathing. Now that I’m no longer head of the military, I may be able to pursue my own interests without scrutiny and wear clothes that nobody died in. Besides, I’m still first in line to be ruler of the Hahn Home World someday.”

  “Sounds like you’re coming out of this ahead,” Rayzo said.

  “Yes, how about you?”

  Rayzo looked over at his mother and father, stiffly attempting to make conversation with Lord and Lady Hahn, Hennik making a point of standing next to his blood parents. Rayzo considered telling Shimlish that his mother was paying more attention to him these days, and that his father was paying him the right kind of attention, but instead he chose to say, “It looks like Hennik is returning home with you, so I’m pretty happy myself.”

  “Yes,” Shimlish said. “I bet you are.”

  Rayzo took a moment to consider his next sentence. Once he’d examined it from every angle, he said, “You know, I’m happy that I’m not going to be forced to see you every day for the rest of my life, but I do look forward to seeing you again someday.”

  “Well put,” Shimlish said. “I feel the same. I mean, after all, we’ll be the heads of two great houses, and it’s going to take decades for us to manage the reconstruction of a planet-sized demilitarized zone.”

  Shimlish and Rayzo rejoined their families. Formal good-byes were exchanged between Wollard and Kallump, Phee standing by, looking happy but exhausted.

  As the Hahn, including Hennik, turned to board their transport, Lady Jakabitus said, “Hennik, I don’t recall Lord Hahn requesting that you return to the Hahn Home World with his family.”

  Hennik said, “He didn’t.”

  “And I don’t recall you requesting permission to leave.”

  “I didn’t.”

  Lord Hahn’s chair had paused and turned to watch the exchange, and for a moment, he looked almost proud.

  Lady Jakabitus said, “If that’s how it must be, Hennik. I do hope you won’t miss us too much.”

  Hennik said, “I wo
n’t,” and both he and Lady Jakabitus knew that he meant it.

  The Hahn were gone. The Jakabituses had retired to their rooms. The rest of the staff was busy. For the first time since his return, Wollard and Phee had a moment to talk.

  Wollard looked to Phee, nodded, then silently turned and walked at his accustomed pace, with Phee struggling as always to keep up.

  They walked through the Grand Gallery, past the auxiliary staff tearing down the decorations, up the escalator, and to the library. Wollard held the door open for Phee.

  Once they were inside, and the door was closed behind them, Phee rushed Wollard and hugged him. He stood ramrod straight and patted her back three times in quick succession. She let go, took a step back, and smiled at him.

  “It’s good to have you back,” she said.

  “It’s good to be back,” he replied.

  Wollard looked around the library, as if seeing it for the first time, then sat in one of the chairs. Phee found the sight of Wollard sitting unsettling. She’d never seen him do so before. The rules allowed Masters of Formality to sit when alone, but Wollard never had in the past. He motioned for Phee to sit on one of the other chairs, which she did. The chair was comfortable. She was not.

  “Thank you for the message,” Wollard said. “It was instrumental in helping me regain my position.”

  “How did you manage that?”

  “I used your message to get the Arbiters’ attention, then once I had it, I groveled and simpered and lied. Basically, I told them that all I wanted was to serve them, and I’d do anything they asked.”

  “And that was a lie?”

  “Yes,” Wollard said. “I have no intention of blindly following orders anymore. I learned some things while I was away, Phee. Things about the Arbiters and the Formalities. Things I don’t like.”

  “So why are you still working for them?” Phee asked.

  “I had a choice. I could convince them that I was their man, or be discarded. I managed to convince them, but I don’t really work for them. Not anymore. I’m my own man. I work for myself. Is that going to be a problem for you, Phee?”

  Phee thought about her time working with Migg and said, “I’ve learned a few things while you were away myself. No. That’s not going to be a problem.”

  “Good,” Wollard said, “because as my protégée, you work for me too.”

  “Yes,” Phee agreed. “I work for you every bit as much as you work for the Arbiters.”

  Wollard smiled. “You always have been a fast learner, Phee.”

  On the planet known as the Central Authority, at the bottom of a stone pit, in a sack that had three strategically placed holes, Migg stood and looked up at the shadowy forms of her scrutinizers.

  One of the shadowy silhouettes that looked down at her from the rim said, “Migg, what do you have to say in your defense?”

  “Nothing,” Migg replied.

  The silhouettes looked at each other, then back down at Migg.

  “Why will you not offer a defense?”

  “Because there’s no point,” Migg said. “You know what I’ve done. You know why I did it. You know what you think of it, and you know what you’re going to do about it. Anything I say at this point would be a waste of time for all of us.”

  The silhouettes looked at each other again, then returned their gaze to Migg.

  “You stand by your decision to offer no defense?”

  “I do.”

  “We thank you. You have made the next part much easier for us.”

  “Yes,” Migg said, “I notice you haven’t asked for time to deliberate.”

  “Indeed. Migg, former Master of Formalities to both House Hahn and House Jakabitus, you have subverted the Formalities to suit your own ends, manipulating those who trusted you, risking the careers of others, and taking an active role in directing the life path of members of two great houses and countless citizens, all to suit your own ends. Do you deny any of this?”

  “I do not,” Migg said.

  Whichever shadow was speaking said, “Then you leave us little choice but to offer you a position as an Arbiter.”

  ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS

  I’d like to thank my wife Missy, my friends Steven Carlson, Allison DeCaro, Jen Yates, John Yates, Mark Yocom, Rodney Sherwood, Leonard Phillips, Ric Schrader, Scott Adams, everybody at 47North, my parents, my brothers, and the readers of my comic strip, Basic Instructions.

  I’d also like to thank all of my current friends and former coworkers at the tower. The original tower, the one true tower, not any of the later, lesser towers.

  ABOUT THE AUTHOR

  Scott Meyer has worked in radio and written for the video game industry. For a long period he made his living as a standup comedian, touring extensively throughout the United States and Canada. Scott eventually left the drudgery of professional entertainment for the glitz and glamour of the theme park industry. He and his wife currently live in Orlando, Florida, where he produces his acclaimed comic strip Basic Instructions.