by Lea Sims
“I will ask her,” she said firmly, nodding at Drew.
He got up from where he was sitting, pushed his chair back under the table, and turned to leave. He paused in the doorway, looking back at her and said, “For the record, in case you’re taking notes to relay to anyone later, there isn’t a thing I would change about Delaney—not a hair on her head or a word of her story. She’s smart, compassionate, resilient, and caring…and so beautiful it takes my breath away. The only thing I ever wanted to do was to ease the pain I saw in her eyes every time I looked at her. If she’s found answers and healing in the Bible I sent her, I can only be happy for her, but she didn’t need to change a thing for me.”
Then he walked out, leaving Lexie to smile softly behind him.
“I would rather walk with a friend in the dark than alone in the light.”
—Helen Keller
“Hey, I’m running down to the corner deli for a salad. Want me to pick you up something?” Callie asked, popping her head into Delaney’s office.
Delaney looked up from the end-of-quarter spreadsheet she’d been working on all week. It was Friday, and her report was due by end of the day. She nodded her head enthusiastically at Callie’s question, then reached down to pull out her Amex card from the bag under her desk. She held out the card with a grateful smile. “These numbers are dogging me today. I could really go for a grilled cheese and a cup of their tomato bisque,” she said. “And a bottled water.”
Callie smiled and took the card from her. It was good to see her boss have an appetite again. “I’ve got some errands to run, and then I’ll swing through the deli on the way back. So, it will be about an hour or so.”
“Perfect. Appreciate it, Cal.”
When Callie bounced out of the room, taking all of her boundless vibrant energy with her, Delaney attempted to redirect her attention to the spreadsheet in front of her. After a few minutes, she gave up and closed her laptop in frustration, then pushed back slightly from her desk and turned her chair around to the window. She laid her head back on the supple leather headrest of her chair and closed her eyes wearily, heart reaching heavenward.
Lord, I’m trusting you for direction. I have no idea how to get unstuck from the place I’m in. I can’t go back to my old life and I don’t know how to move forward. What do you want me to do?
There was a new and uncomfortable tension building inside her. She had more peace about her past than she had ever thought possible. The more time she spent reading her Bible and meditating on the things God was revealing to her there, the more the reservoir of pain seeped out of her and the healing waters of grace swept in. But with this increasing peace came an equally burgeoning discontent. She opened her eyes to gaze out the windows of her hard-earned corner office, swiveling as she always did in her beloved designer chair and pondering the view of the city that had been her home for the last twelve years. It had once beckoned to everything in her, this city. It had offered her an escape from not only where she was but who she was, and she ran to it at the age of twenty-two with open arms. New York was truly the sleepless city, always buzzing with opportunity, an unparalleled hub of diversity, culture, and innovation. It had been all she had dreamed it would be when she graduated from college—smart, fast-paced and sophisticated.
The problem was…it was no longer her dream. Working sixty-hour weeks to make vice president before she was forty did not appeal to her now. Making more money and buying more stuff did not appeal to her now. Living alone as a single woman in her much-coveted and very expensive Upper West End loft, hitting the meat-market clubs on Friday and Saturday nights, playing the cat-and-mouse game with the guys she met there—none of this appealed to her now. In fact, the thought of such a life being the only option stretched out in front of her filled her with sadness. She no longer wanted that life, but this realization always left her feeling confused and disoriented. She had no idea what to do to put her life on a different course.
“Knock, knock.”
Delaney turned her chair at the sound of Lexie’s voice in the doorway. “Hey there,” she said, face lighting up with surprise. “When did you get back?”
“Yesterday morning. I’ve been sitting with Badger all morning looking through the film footage. Thought you might like to see some of it.” She held out a flash drive to Delaney with a tentative smile.
Delaney took the drive from Lexie and set it on the desk. “Sure, I’ll take a look at it later. I’m in the middle of quarterly reporting right now,” she grimaced, pointing to her laptop. “So, I’m assuming everything went well? No problems or issues?”
Lexie paused before answering. Given what she knew now, she wondered if Delaney was hoping she would avoid mentioning Drew or if she would fish for information about him. She would wade in carefully. “It went amazingly well, actually. Given what you’d said about Emma, I was expecting a little difficulty with her, but she really stayed out of the way and did her work as she normally would. John was wonderful, though. He seemed to really enjoy having the film crew there for the week.”
Delaney smiled. “He understands how important this marketing effort is. He gets it.” She had sat in on a few early exploratory calls with John and Emma when she got back from Savannah, but she had handed the project off to Badger, and he and Lexie had carried it forward from that point on. Delaney had supported them behind the scenes by securing the funding for the project. Blue Muse had a separate foundation that provided creative support for social causes, and she’d convinced the foundation to fund the project. Escape Artist Media was also offering some services at no charge. The only thing they asked in exchange from John and Emma was permission to use the project as a marketing tool to promote their business, to which the Baileys had readily agreed. They were both thrilled and more than a little overwhelmed to have had such an opportunity drop into their laps.
“He definitely gets it,” Lexie said. “But the week went well. The filming was tedious, of course. I don’t think I realized how detailed that filming process is, but Delaney, you should see the cameras they use. They had these 360-degree cameras set up on tripods all over the sanctuary. If the final product turns out as amazing as I think it will, I can see us doing a lot more business with the EA team.”
“That’s good to hear.” Delaney nodded and grinned. “I can’t wait to put some VR goggles on and walk through the end-user experience.”
Lexie hesitated for a moment, then turned to walk over and close Delaney’s office door. She turned back to Delaney and said quietly, “Do you have a few minutes for me to talk to you about something else?”
Surprised by the sudden turn in conversation, Delaney looked back at her puzzled, but said, “Sure…of course. What’s up? Something wrong?”
Lexie sat down in one of the chairs in front of her desk and looked solemnly across the desk at her. “Yes and no. There is nothing wrong with me or work or anything like that. But there is something wrong between you and me.”
“What do you mean?” Delaney’s brows flew together in concern.
“I want you to listen to everything I’m going to say to you without interrupting me. I know you very well, and you’re really good at dismissing something if you don’t want to talk about it. So can you promise me you’ll listen and let me say what I need to say?”
Confused all the more by such an unexpected directive, Delaney simply nodded.
“I have sat on the sidelines of your life for the last three months and watched you struggling through something really difficult. When you first came home from Savannah, I thought it was simply the grief of your aunt’s death. It was obvious after a while that it was more than that, but no matter how many times I’ve asked you if you were okay, if you needed to vent, or if I could do anything for you, you’ve simply shrugged me off.”
Delaney opened her mouth to respond, but Lexie shook her head emphatically. “No, don’t say anything. Let me fin
ish.” She leaned forward, put her elbows on the desk and reached across to grab Delaney’s hands. Such a gesture was so uncharacteristic of their friendship that Delaney’s jaw dropped open and she simply stared. “Delaney Anderson, we’ve been friends for over ten years. I stood next to you at your wedding to Danny and it was my door you showed up at when that marriage came to an end. We’ve worked together, changed companies together, hung out together, partied together, and had more fun together than the law should allow.
“But what kind of friendship do we really have if we can’t talk about the things in our lives that really matter?” Her big brown eyes filled with tears and she bit the lower right corner of her lip. Delaney’s level of shock skyrocketed. Lexie could be boisterous and loud, quick with a snarky comment or a blistering rebuke and just as quick to laugh and encourage, but Delaney had never seen her like this. Lexie was giving voice to the same thoughts she’d had in Savannah about the depth of their friendship. It never occurred to her that her friend felt the same way.
“We’ve avoided talking about the ugliness of your break up with Danny for the last year,” Lexie continued. “I realized early on that you would shut down the instant I asked anything, so we did as we’ve always done…we kept it light. But if I’ve ever given you the impression that I don’t care about those things or that all I want to do is party, I am so sorry, Delaney. Nothing could be further from the truth.”
Tears flooded Delaney’s eyes at the heartfelt plea of her friend. “I’m sorry for shutting you out,” she whispered. “We’ve just never had that kind of friendship.”
“Would you like to?” Lexie challenged, eyebrows raised in expectation. “Because I know I would.” Delaney hesitated, and Lexie saw it. “Do you not trust me, Delaney?” She pulled her hands away and sat back in her chair, a wounded expression now evident on her face.
Delaney shook her head. “It’s not that. I’m just walking through some things right now that I don’t think we can connect about.”
“You mean the fact that you’ve found religion? Or the fact that something happened in Savannah that made you come home looking for it?”
Delaney sat back in her own chair, hands resting lightly in her lap, as she absorbed the impact of Lexie’s very pointed questions. “What makes you say that?” she asked softly.
“Well, for starters, I’m not blind. You came home from Savannah a completely different person—devastated, barely functional. It got to the point that Callie and I were so worried you were slipping away from us, that we had pretty much decided to confront you. But then that Bible showed up here, along with some other items you didn’t feel comfortable explaining to us, and ever since then, I’ve watched you going through the motions of your life but slowly coming out of that dark place a different person. And I have to assume it’s because of that Bible…the one I would bet my paycheck is in that bag,” she said, pointing under Delaney’s desk, “as we speak.”
Closing her eyes in amused resignation, Delaney sighed. You couldn’t hide too many things from Lexie. She opened her eyes again and looked at her friend with great affection. “And you’re not going to give me the business about finding Jesus?” She quirked a saucy brow up at her.
“Of course I am!” Lexie laughed out loud. “But you know my jokes are harmless…well, mostly harmless. But seriously,” she said reassuringly, “I would never disrespect something that important to you, Delaney. Besides, I can’t make too much fun of Jesus. I’ll end up having to pray the rosary with my mother.”
They both laughed. Then Lexie decided to go for broke. “What happened in Savannah?”
Delaney sighed, actually more grateful than she would have thought at the opportunity to talk to Lexie about what had happened. “It’s too long a story, honestly, and I’m still trying to process it. But going home for my aunt’s funeral forced me to confront my past. You know my parents died in a car accident when I was ten, right?”
Lexie nodded. Delaney had briefly mentioned it when they first met and then never brought it up again.
“I went to live with my Aunt Beth and Uncle Jimmy when that happened. But what I never told you…never told anyone until this trip home…was that my Uncle Jimmy sexually abused me for almost my entire childhood.”
“Oh no…seriously?” Lexie exhaled in surprised concern. She had spent her own childhood dodging a very “handsy” much older cousin. It wasn’t until she’d jabbed a fork in his hand under the Thanksgiving table one year that he’d finally gotten the message that any attempts to put his hands on her would be met with swift injury. She could still hear his stuttering explanation to her father about why he’d suddenly howled in pain in the middle of the meal. He blamed it on a leg cramp. But she wouldn’t have classified anything he’d done as sexual abuse. “I’m so sorry, Delaney. That must have been awful.”
“It was…beyond anything I would feel comfortable describing to you. But let’s just say, it started when I was six, ended when I was fifteen, and was very damaging to my life. More so than I realized. And because my aunt and uncle were very active in their local church, my feelings about God and church got very tangled up in my hatred and resentment toward my uncle.”
“Did your aunt know? Is that why you didn’t talk to her very much?”
Delaney shook her head. “No, she didn’t know. My aunt was an amazing human being, full of love and kindness. She was just really naive and very oblivious to my uncle’s issues. He was a horrible alcoholic, and even that was something she didn’t talk about. She just dealt with it.” Fiddling with the stitching on the arm of her chair, she shook her head in regret. “I just never wanted to bring her any pain by talking to her about it, so I got as far away from Savannah as I could and left it behind me. Unfortunately, I left her behind me and she died never knowing how much I loved her or how grateful I was for her.”
“Is that what all this has been about…since you’ve come home? Dealing with of all of this history?”
“Yes, mostly.” She averted her gaze. “I think it’s a lot of stuff…my aunt dying suddenly, having to go home and confront a lot of painful memories from my childhood, realizing that a lot of my issues with Danny and our marriage were really coming from my own pain and anger—not trusting, not opening up, not letting myself really feel anything. And realizing that I honestly didn’t like who I had become, Lex.”
“And reconnecting to your faith has helped you address that?”
Delaney’s eyes welled up again. “More than I can possibly convey.”
“You were pretty darn amazing before all this, you know.” Lexie smiled in admiration at the woman who had taught her so much about creativity and leadership. She was a really good person, even if she didn’t realize it. She obviously didn’t understand how much the people on her team looked up to her.
Delaney scrunched up her face, uncomfortable with her friend’s praise. “I appreciate you saying that…it means a lot to me. But my ex-husband would disagree wholeheartedly. And he would be right. I should never have cheated on him. And I’m done picking up guys in bars. I don’t want to be that woman anymore.”
Lexie took that announcement in stride, grinning. “I’ll try not to take that personally.”
“I don’t want you to take it as a personal insult, Lex. But I’ve come to realize that meaningless relationships, including the one I had with Danny, are not what I really want in my life. I’ve guarded my heart for a long time from ever falling too hard for anyone. It’s always been safer to not care. It made me numb and indifferent. And it led me into a loveless marriage and some really bad choices. And that’s just not who I want to be.”
“And what are you looking for in a man now?” Lexie asked softly, watching Delaney for a reaction. A wave of pain flickered over her friend’s face.
“I don’t think I’m ready to think about that yet,” Delaney sighed, looking away.
“Hmmmm…you know what I think
you need?” Lexie said, tapping a finger on her bottom lip, pretending to ponder her answer. “I think you need to find a guy who shares your newfound faith. You know, a real high-integrity hero type—rugged good looks, humble, sincere.” She paused, looking exaggeratedly at the ceiling as though just hitting upon a brilliant idea. “The kind of guy who’s spending his life doing some kind of selfless and meaningful work somewhere—like caring for orphans in the Sudan or…oh, I don’t know…rescuing wolves, maybe?”
Delaney’s eyes widened in shock. She didn’t move a muscle, just stared back at her.
Lexie got up from her chair and began walking slowly to the door. “If you were ever interested in a guy like that,” she said, turning to look Delaney in the eye and pointing to the flash drive still sitting on the edge of her desk. “You might want to jump right to the folder named D. Hemming on that drive. Just a thought.”
With a wink and a tender smile to her beautiful but speechless friend, Lexie backed out of the room and closed the door softly.
“No regrets! Not this time! I’m gonna let my heart defeat my mind. Let your love make me whole. I think I’m finally feeling something. ‘Cause just okay is not enough. Help me fight through the nothingness of this life.”
—Matthew West
Delaney sat staring at the closed door of her office for a long time. She had known Lex would meet Drew at Timber Ridge while she was there filming, but she had secretly hoped there would be no reason for her name to come up in conversation. Lexie wouldn’t know to bring it up, and Drew was unlikely to. But she had obviously been wrong. She wasn’t sure which of them had enlightened the other, but they’d obviously discussed her.