by Megan Green
But, now, with Liv standing here in front of me, telling me she knows where Lexi is…
“Let’s go,” I say, grabbing the keys and Liv’s wrist, pulling her toward the car.
She digs her heels into the ground, using her other hand to pry my fingers from their hold.
“Excuse me, you can’t order me around. Besides, she made me promise not to tell you where she was.”
“Well, it’s a little late for that, isn’t it? You’ve already told me.”
She nods. “I know. And I have every intention of telling you how to find her. But, first, we need to talk. You need to think things through before you go running off half-cocked and fully stupid.”
“I don’t need to think about anything. What I need is to get to Lexi.”
She shakes her head. “No, you need to listen to me. She said some things I think you need to hear. And you need to think about what you’re going to say to convince her she’s wrong. Otherwise, you’ll be fighting a losing battle, dude. She’s absolutely positive that she’s doing the right thing.”
I hate the idea of waiting a single second before going to Lexi, but Liv is right. If I show up, wild with desperation and spouting off nonsense, Lexi will only dig her heels in deeper. I’ve seen how stubborn she can be. It’s a miracle I’ve been able to get through to her at all. After this morning, her walls have probably been reinforced tenfold. I can’t go running off—how did Liv say it?—half-cocked and fully stupid.
I turn and head back into the house, indicating Liv should follow behind me. I pull out a kitchen chair, nodding toward the one across from me.
She sits, her eyes taking in my disheveled appearance. “No offense, but you look like shit, dude.”
A small laugh escapes my lips. That’s probably the understatement of the century. “Yeah, been a bit of a rough morning. Now, what did Lexi say?”
Liv spends the next few minutes telling me about Lexi showing up at the bookstore, telling her and Charlie that the only way for things to go back to normal was for her to leave.
“You should’ve seen her face, Ian. She was scared, yes. And hurt as all hell. But she was so…I don’t know quite how to describe it. Closed off maybe? Shut down? There was no getting through to her. And then, on the way to Ella’s, no matter what I said to her, her only response was, ‘It’s what’s best.’ It was freaking spooky. Almost like she was running on autopilot. By then, she was almost completely devoid of any emotion.”
A sharp pain shoots through my chest at hearing how much she’s hurting. I’ve seen Lexi when she shuts down like that. Spooky is one way of putting it. She goes blank and doesn’t say anything, though it sounds like she at least was able to form a canned response for Liv.
“I don’t get it,” I say, leaning forward and propping my elbows up on the table as I rub the heels of my hands into my eyes. “Does she really think I’ll go home and pretend like none of this ever happened?”
Liv nods. “That’s exactly what she thinks. She said those same words to me and Charlie when she was at the bookstore. She thinks that, if she just disappears, your life can go back to normal.”
“Bullshit. There is no normal without Lexi.”
Liv holds her hands up. “Don’t look at me. I tried to tell her that, and so did Charlie. He told her you wouldn’t be able to pretend like it never happened because there was no pretending she never happened. But, like I said, Lexi wasn’t hearing any of it.”
“I need to go over there. I need to talk some sense into her.”
“I agree,” Liv says. “But how?”
I shake my head, at a complete loss of what I can possibly say to Lexi to make her realize that none of it matters. None of what people are saying about me matters. Baseball doesn’t matter. The only thing that matters is her. Without her, there is nothing. Without her, I am nothing.
“I don’t know. But I’ll have to figure it out. The longer we give her to stew and think, the more stubborn and hardheaded she’ll become.” I stand up, grabbing the keys from the table and tossing them to Liv. “You drive. I’ll think.”
The relief in Ella’s eyes as she opens the door is palpable.
“Took you long enough,” she says as she leans against the door.
“Sorry. Liv had to drive me over,” I say, shooting a glance back over my shoulder to where Liv is sitting in my idling truck. “She doesn’t believe in speeding.”
Ella opens the door wider, letting me inside. “She’s upstairs. Third door on the right.”
I give her a hesitant look. “She might be angry I’m here…”
Ella smiles. “Oh, I guarantee she will be. Don’t worry. I made Drew take the girls out for the afternoon as soon as she showed up. She and I needed to have a…talk.”
I chuckle, thankful that Ella is in my corner. “Were you able to talk some sense into her?”
“Pfft, no,” Ella says with a roll of her eyes.
It reminds me so much of Lexi, I can’t help but smile.
I never thought the two of them looked much alike, but in that single eye roll, the resemblance is strong. They’re definitely sisters. In attitude if nothing else.
“She refuses to listen to a damn word I say. I sent her to her room and have been watching the window, waiting for you to get here. I was about to come get you my-damn-self.”
I take a reluctant step toward the stairs.
Ella gives me an encouraging nod. “Go on. I’ll give you two some space.”
The stairs creak as I climb them. I take my time, each step slower than the last, my mind spinning. Now that I’m here, I realize I still don’t have a clue as to what I’m going to say to her. How I’m going to get her to recognize the colossal mistake she’s making. I imagine this must be what people felt like back in the day and age of pirates. It’s like I’m walking the plank, and I have no idea if I’ll sink or swim.
I tap lightly on the door when I reach it. She doesn’t respond, but Ella said she was in here, so I gently place my hand on the knob, giving it half a turn.
Unlocked.
I turn it the rest of the way, gradually pushing the door open. Lexi is sitting on the bed, her face a mask of steely disdain. She looks as if she’s been expecting me.
I take a step into the room, closing the door behind me.
“I saw the truck pull up outside. I should’ve known Liv was full of shit.” Her tone is acidic, her words harsh.
All traces of the Lexi I’ve come to know over the last few weeks are gone. In their place is a stranger.
“Don’t blame her. I made her tell me.”
She gives a half-snort, her eyes darting away from me.
“You left.” The words sound stupid, coming out of my lips, and I’m not surprised when she chokes out a laugh.
“You’re observant.”
“Why?”
Her eyes come back to mine, and I hate the look I see inside them. She’s done more than rebuild her walls. She’s reinforced them with ten feet of steel and concrete.
“Because this isn’t going to work. You know it. I know it. So, why keep pretending?”
I take a step closer, wanting nothing more than to take her in my arms and shake her out of this emotionless trance she seems to have fallen into.
“Sure seemed like it was working to me. We had a little hiccup; that’s all.”
Again, I cringe at the absurdity of my own words. But, since I couldn’t think of anything else, I figured I’d try downplaying the whole thing.
“A hiccup? You call having my entire life splashed on the front pages of every website and newspaper ever known to man a hiccup?”
I shrug. “Fine, maybe it was a…what’s worse than a hiccup? A sneeze?” I give her my trademark smile, knowing that she’s never been able to resist my dimples before.
But she doesn’t crack. She shakes her head, her eyes rolling back in her head as she looks away from me again.
“Didn’t anybody ever tell you that your eyes would get stuck like that?”
/>
I’m trying to be funny and charming, hoping to get her to smile, desperate for a small glimpse of the Lexi I know.
I fail.
“Why are you here, Ian?” she asks, not a hint of amusement in her hard voice.
I stare at her, in complete shock that she can even ask me that question. “Because you’re here, Lexi. Because you’re here when you belong with me.”
“I’m exactly where I’m supposed to be. You’re the one who doesn’t belong here. So, just go.”
My heart fractures a little more with every word she speaks.
Deciding I can’t handle even one more sharp word from her lips, I open my mouth and spill my heart. “I’m not going anywhere, Lexi. Not unless you look me in the eye and tell me you don’t want me. That nothing about these past few weeks meant anything to you. That you don’t love me every bit as much as I love you. Because, Lexi, there isn’t a single part of me that doesn’t love you. You’ve invaded my life, stormed in like a fucking hurricane, and turned my entire world upside down. And I wouldn’t have it any other way. So, fuck baseball. Fuck what any reporter has to say about you or me. None of it matters. Not without you by my side.”
I watch her face as I trail off, and for a split second, I think I see her falter. She swallows hard, her eyes blinking rapidly, as if to ward off tears.
I strike again before she can recover. “You are the best thing that’s ever walked into my life, Lex, even after everything that happened this morning. Even if I never set foot on a baseball diamond again, I will never, ever regret you. So, please, come home with me, Lexi. Come home, where you belong.”
She’s silent for a moment, and my heartbeat quickens as I realize I’ve won. She’s going to give in because, as stubborn as she is, even she can’t deny that what we have is special. That it’s worth fighting for.
But, when her eyes lift to mine, I’m met with only blankness.
“The last few weeks have been a wonderful distraction, Ian. But that’s exactly what they were—a distraction. I’m not cut out for this type of lifestyle. This morning has only further solidified that. It’s not…worth it.”
The final nail drives straight through my heart.
“You’re saying I’m not worth it?”
Her eyes never leave mine as she shakes her head. “No. I’m so sorry, Ian. But it won’t work.”
I can’t form a single word as I stare at her. I plead with her in my head, begging her to take back what she said. I blink hard, willing myself to wake up from this awful nightmare. But, no matter what I do, no matter how hard I try or how much I wish it otherwise, the fact remains that she just told me I’m not worth it. I’m not worth her having to deal with whispered rumors and scathing headlines. I’m not worth her putting herself out there. Me and my love are not worth it.
It hurts like fucking hell.
My chest aches, my heart shriveling into nothing, and I know I need to leave. I need to get the hell out of here before I do something stupid. Or worse, before I completely destroy my soul.
But I have to hear her say it. If I’m going to walk away, I need to know with absolute certainty that there is no chance.
“Say it then, Lexi. Tell me you don’t want me. Look me in the eye and tell me you don’t love me.”
She stands, walking across the room until she’s less than a foot away. Her eyes lock with mine, and I regret this decision. I should’ve walked away while I had the chance.
Because this girl? This girl isn’t going to destroy me.
She’s going to fucking obliterate me.
She doesn’t blink; she doesn’t cry. Fuck, I’m not sure she’s even breathing.
But she opens her mouth and says the four words I hoped I’d never hear, “I don’t love you.”
I move in a haze, backing out of the room and down the stairs, silently slipping out the front door before Ella can stop me. I climb into the passenger side of my truck, grateful Liv agreed to stick around. We just thought there’d be three of us driving back to the lake house.
Liv doesn’t say anything when she sees me. There’s nothing to say. I’m certain she can tell by the look on my face that things didn’t go according to plan. And I’m glad this is the time Liv decides that prying isn’t necessary.
We drive back to my house in silence. I climb out of the cab, not caring if Liv takes the truck home or leaves it here or what-the-fuck-ever she decides to do with it.
I walk up the stairs to my bedroom and collapse on the bed.
I’m immediately enveloped with Lexi’s scent.
And I fucking lose it.
Chapter 26
Lexi
One Week Later
I open the front door to my house, surprised to see how familiar everything looks. I was only gone for a week, but it felt like a lifetime.
A lifetime of pain and regret.
A lifetime of misery.
A lifetime of sorrow.
I half-expected to find everything covered in a thick layer of dust, my house boarded up and left behind, but that was only my heart.
Since the moment Ian walked out of my sister’s house, I’ve been going through the motions, trying to live my life one day at a time. If that’s what you want to call it. Mostly, I sat around Ella’s, trying to help with the girls when I could, but more often than not, I would find myself locked in the guest room, the sounds of my cries muffled by the pillow I kept firmly pressed against my face.
Watching his face crumple as I’d told him I didn’t love him was the hardest thing I’d ever had to do. I’d wanted to throw my arms around him, kiss away all his tears, tell him I loved him more than he could possibly ever love me because he had brought me back to life.
But I hadn’t done any of it. Because, while ninety-nine percent of the words that had come out of my mouth were complete and utter bullshit, the truth still remained. I didn’t belong with him. It would never work.
Because he deserves better.
He deserves the type of woman he can take out and be proud of. The kind of woman who will always make him smile and never make him sad. The kind of woman who is the exact opposite of me in every single way.
Once Ella had realized he was gone, she’d stormed up the stairs, berating me for my stupidity. I couldn’t blame her. I had known I’d just let the best thing that had ever happened to me walk out of my life.
But Ella doesn’t understand. I’m not doing this for me. I’m not doing it because I’m scared. For once in my life, I’m being selfless. I’m putting Ian first.
I’m doing it for him.
In time, Ian will realize that. He’ll realize that, despite the chemistry that exists between us, we’re just too different. I could never fit into his world. And he shouldn’t have to change himself to fit into mine.
So, I stayed away. I hid at Ella’s until I was certain I wouldn’t have to return here and face him. I was actually surprised when Liv had called late last night to tell me he was gone. I’d thought he’d stick around a little longer. Thought maybe he’d put up more of a fight. Liv had only had to utter two simple words for my heart to drop down to my feet.
“He’s gone.”
I’d expected it to hurt. I’d expected to be sad when I heard he’d finally left for Seattle. But what I hadn’t been able to predict was the…intensity of it.
I don’t just hurt. And I’m not just sad.
When Ella pulled up in front of my house only moments ago, putting the car in park before helping me get my bag out of the back, I wasn’t able to stop myself from chancing a glance at his house.
The dark windows and drawn shades was a deathblow.
Now, standing in my kitchen and looking out over the frozen lake, I let the tears fall once more. I look over at Ian’s house, all the outside furniture covered and the decorative lights no longer lit, I realize for the first time that he is well and truly gone.
Forever.
It’s what I wanted. I lied to his face, told him I wanted him to go, that I d
idn’t love him. But seeing it now, looking out over the aftermath of what I’ve done…
It’s a pain unlike anything I’ve ever felt before.
Even after the accident.
Even after waking up and realizing what I did.
Even after all the hours of community service and my time in rehab.
And, yes, even after seeing all the photos of Lily during her recovery.
Nothing has ever felt like this.
And I’m not certain I can survive it.
Turning my back to the outside world, I grab a glass from the cupboard and fill it with water from the tap. I suck it down in a few huge gulps, hoping it will do something to quell the lump currently blocking my throat. But, of course, it doesn’t.
I would kill for a drink right now.
But, since there isn’t an ounce of alcohol in this whole damn place, I opt for the only other thing that might help me forget.
After refilling my glass, I walk to my room, stopping in the bathroom along the way to grab the bottle. Once I’m settled on my bed, I twist off the top and shake out two of the sleeping pills I was prescribed after the accident—when my nightmares would keep me up, no matter how hard I tried to sleep. I didn’t take many of them then, preferring the pain of my reality to living in a drugged stupor. Now though? Now, I want nothing more than to sleep.
I pop the pills in my mouth and chase them with the water.
When they don’t kick in after five minutes, I follow them with two more.
Thankfully, that does the trick. Within minutes, my lids start to drift, the hammering in my heart quieting and the shaking in my fingers steadying.
I lie down on the pillow.
And I go to sleep.
Chapter 27
Tag
I roll the bite of my burger around in my mouth as Brandon babbles to me about God knows what. It’s not that I don’t care. It’s just…