Thirty-Three and a Half Shenanigans

by Denise Grover Swank

  Neely Kate sighed as she hung up. “She’s gonna be the death of me.”

  “I take it there was trouble at bingo last night.”

  “You have no idea. I’m not sure when she’ll ever be allowed back. You might just get out of your promise.” She turned to me with a grin. “No wonder I like you so much. You’re just like my granny.”

  I laughed. “I’m gonna take that as a compliment.” I cast a glance at her. “So what’s the deal with you and Tabitha?”

  She tried to look innocent. “Nothing.”

  “It can’t be nothing if she won’t even talk to you.”

  “I’m just takin’ precautions is all.”

  “Huh.”

  She quickly changed the subject, talking about some new recipes she’d found the night before. “Ronnie refuses to eat them.” She crossed her arms in a huff.

  I wanted to tell her that I understood why, but I didn’t have the heart. “Well . . . it does take a more refined palate than most people around here have.”

  She waved her hand. “And that’s exactly why I want Mason to try my food. He lived up in Little Rock. He’s more continental than Fenton County folk.”

  “You know who you should try?” I said, trying to keep a straight face. “Joe. He lived up in Little Rock for years. He even went to law school there.” I gave a half-shrug. “I bet he’d love it.” As soon as the words were out of my mouth, I kind of regretted it. Joe showed every intention of staying in Fenton County, and Neely Kate was bound to run into him. She still held a grudge against him for walking out on me back in September. I should have been encouraging her to mend fences with him rather than stirring up more trouble.

  “Yeah . . .”

  When Neely Kate realized we were close to Big Thief Hollow, she started coaching me on what to say. “Tell her that you know Dolly Parton from school and you’re looking for her because you want help planning your class reunion.”

  “Maybe I’ll just wing it. Especially since I thought Dolly Parton was younger than us.”

  “So? You have one of those timeless faces.”

  “I’m not sure if that’s a good thing or a bad one.”

  “Oh definitely good,” she assured me, patting my arm. “You use a great moisturizer.”

  “Okaaay . . . Anything else?”

  “Find out the last time she talked to her, along with anything else that will help us find her now.”

  “Got it.”

  She gave me directions to a group of duplexes set off a county road. A beat-up car sat in front of the pale blue eyesore on the end; a tree made from blue wine bottles was the only landscaping in the grass-spotted yard. The other duplexes, painted in varying shades of pastel, looked just as neglected. A handful of cars were parked in various driveways.

  “Pull in behind the Buick,” Neely Kate said.

  I did as she instructed and put the truck in park, turning off the engine. “Are you sure she’s here?”

  “That’s her car right there.” She shrunk down in the seat. “I think it’ll be better if I wait here in the truck.”

  I opened the door and looked over my shoulder. “Okay.”

  I walked onto the front porch and rang the doorbell. After visiting Billy Jack the day before, I half expected to hear a pack of yipping dogs, but was met with blissful silence instead. After ten seconds, I rang the bell again, getting antsy.

  A guy in his twenties opened the door, wearing a stained T-shirt and a pair of boxer shorts. He had a serious case of bed head, his dark blond hair going every which direction. “What the hell do you want?”

  I took a step back. “I’m looking for Tabitha.”

  He yawned and lost some of his irritation. “I thought you was one of them Baptists trying to save me again. I keep tellin’ ’em that the best way they can save me is to bring a cold six-pack, but they don’t seem to get the hint.”

  I almost laughed, but he was dead serious. “Those Baptists never are any fun.”

  He leaned into the door frame, scratching his crotch. “You got that right.”

  I tried to look away. “About Tabitha . . .”

  “Oh yeah.” His hand left his nether-region, and he started scratching his cheek. “She’s down at the community center.”

  “Oh.” I tried not to cringe as I thought about where his hand had just been. “And where is that?”

  “Head down to Orchard, take a right, and it’s a quarter of a mile down.”

  “Thanks.”

  I turned to leave, and he called after me. “If you don’t know where the community center is, how do you know Tabitha?”

  “Uh . . . I’m friends with Dolly Parton.”

  “The singer?” he asked, his eyes flying open. “No shit?”

  I could have corrected him, but decided not to bother. “You have a good day.”

  I hopped in the truck and started to back up, shaking my head at the sight of Neely Kate still crouched down in the passenger seat.

  “Well?” she asked, lifting her head to look over the dashboard. Tabitha’s gentleman friend had already shut the front door.

  “She wasn’t there.”

  “Who were you talkin’ to? I heard you talkin’.”

  “I was talking to the half-naked guy who answered her front door, but he didn’t know a thing about Dolly. I thought you said she and Tabitha are best friends? How is it that he doesn’t know about his girlfriend’s best friend?”

  Neely Kate’s face scrunched in disgust. “Everybody knows that Tabitha sleeps around.”

  Apparently not everybody. “She’s at the community center. He seemed surprised that I didn’t know where it was. Why’s that?”

  “Everyone around here knows it as the commune. It’s the place to buy drugs and moonshine.”

  “And it got busted? Should we be going there then?”

  “Why not? It got busted last week. It should be fine now.”

  She had a point.

  There were several cars in the parking lot of a building that looked like a converted church. I pulled into a spot and turned to Neely Kate. “Are you really gonna hide in the seat again?” I asked in disbelief when I saw that she was hunched down again.

  “Yes. I am.”

  Sighing, I climbed out of the truck, leaving the engine running. Before I shut the door, I looked down at her. “What’s she look like?”

  “Look for long dark hair, big brown eyes. Tight clothes. That’ll be her.”

  “Okay . . .”

  I couldn’t imagine what Tabitha might be doing at the community center, but I discovered as soon as I walked through the door. A group of older women were in the middle of a large room that looked a lot like a school cafeteria. There was a stage at one end, and round tables were shoved against the two side walls. Racks of folding chairs were stored opposite the stage. Middle Eastern music blared, and the gray-haired women were wearing scarves with bells hanging off them, gyrating their hips to the tempo. A beautiful young woman stood in front of them, wearing a crop top and booty shorts, shaking her hips in circles.

  “Come on, Maybelline,” the young woman said, looking over her shoulder. “Shake them hips so Harvey’ll want to grab ’em and get busy.”

  Most of the women giggled, but a few looked horrified.

  The song ended, and the young woman turned around. “Great lesson, ladies! See y’all next week!”

  The instructor walked over to a duffel bag on top of one of the round tables and looked me up and down. “Were you here for the belly dance lesson? Because you’re about fifty years too young.”

  “No, actually . . . I’m looking for Tabitha. Is that you?”

  She stood up, looking wary. “Maybe, maybe not.”

  Maybe she didn’t want to admit she was Tabitha, but every other female in the room looked close to retirement age.

  When I didn’t say anything, a panicked look filled her eyes. “I meant to show up for that twelve-step meeting last week, but look—” she swung an arm toward the women w
ho were in the process of removing their scarves, “I’m here teaching these geriatrics just like I promised my probation officer.”

  I shook my head. “No. It’s nothing like that. I need to ask you about Dolly Parton.”

  Her eyes widened. “What about her?”

  “Do you know where she is?”

  She crossed her arms and looked down her nose at me. “And who’s askin’?”

  “I’m sorry.” I took a step closer. “I’m Rose. I’m a friend of Dolly’s, and I haven’t seen her in days. I know you’re her best friend, so I figured you’d know how she’s doin’.”

  She still eyed me with suspicion. “How do you know her?”

  “Uh . . .” I panicked, forgetting Neely Kate’s coaching. “We work together.” Oh crappy doodles. I didn’t even know where she worked.

  Her arms dropped, and she looked less defensive. “At Gems?”

  Gems? Billy Jack said she’d run off with the bartender from where she worked. Gems had to be a bar or a restaurant. “Yeah, that’s right.”

  A slight smile lifted her lips. “Why didn’t you say so?” She looked me over, shaking her head. “I have to say that you don’t look the type. But then, Mud’s one for the unusual.”

  I had no idea what she was talking about, but at least she was still talking. “She hasn’t shown up for work in a few days. And neither has the bartender she’s been seeing. Do you happen to know where she is? Her momma’s worried.”

  She shook her head with a frown. “I told her not to take a job there. Gems is nothing but trouble.”

  “Why’s that?” I asked.

  “Everyone knows that Mud is up to no good. It might pay better than the other place, but it’s not worth the risk.”

  “What’s he up to?”

  She looked at me like I was a crazy person. “You’re the one workin’ there. You tell me.”

  Oh, yeah.

  “So you don’t know where she’s run off to?”

  “I don’t know what she’s up to half the time anymore. Not since her bitch of a cousin’s wedding. If anyone knows what Dolly’s up to, that woman would know.” Disgust covered her face. “Neely Kate River.”

  What on earth had happened to make her hate Neely Kate so much? And she knew Neely Kate was married, but she’d called her by her maiden name and not her married name—Colson. Based on the timing, the fight had to be related to Neely Kate’s wedding. Maybe Tabitha was upset she hadn’t been asked to be one of Neely Kate’s many bridesmaids, since nearly half the county had been in the wedding.

  “Her boyfriend, Billy Jack, said she took off with a bartender from Gems.”

  “Oh, really?” she asked, getting excited. “Which one?”

  Panic set in. “Cute. Brown hair.”

  A sly grin spread across her face. “Good for her. I told her that weasel Billy Jack was foolin’ around on her.” She laughed. “I heard from a girl at the club that Dolly busted his ginormous flat screen a couple of weeks ago.”

  Huh. Billy Jack had told us she’d busted it just a few days ago, right before the bartender picked her up. “Okay, thank you.” I handed her one of my business cards. “If you hear or think of anything, could you let me know? Like I said, her momma’s really worried.”

  She looked it over. “This says you own a landscaping business, but you said you work at Gems. Which is it?”

  “Uh . . .” I hadn’t even considered that. “Both. Do you have any idea how much business a landscaping company gets in December?”

  She gave me a blank stare.

  “None, that’s how much it gets. Christmas is coming, and I need to buy presents.”

  Tabitha seemed to accept my answer and stuffed my card into her bag. “I hear you there, girl. We’re all desperate in our own way.”

  One of the older women walked up and asked, “Tabitha, you said that hip gyration could be used in sexual intercourse. What about with an inflatable pump? Won’t it break it?”

  My eyes flew open. “I gotta get going. Thanks, Tabitha.”

  She snickered and turned to answer the woman as I hurried out the door.

  At least I knew what our next steps should be. Neely Kate and I needed to go to Gems to see if the bartender was really missing and if anyone there knew what was going on. In fact, I couldn’t believe that Neely Kate hadn’t thought of that first.

  I had made it out to the parking lot and was walking toward my truck when Neely Kate sat up in the passenger’s seat.

  “You’ve got to be kiddin’ me!” Tabitha shouted from behind me, rushing past me. “You get out of that truck, you lyin’ whore!”

  I stopped, watching in horror as Tabitha wrenched open the door and started to pull Neely Kate out of the truck.

  “I’m not the lyin’ whore!” Neely Kate yelled as she stumbled to get her footing. “You are, you back-stabbing witch! You tried to steal my husband!”

  “Me?” Tabitha screeched, lunging for Neely Kate’s hair. “He was mine to start with!”

  “Let go of me!”

  I finally got my wits about me and rushed forward to save my friend. “Tabitha! Have you lost your mind? Let go!”

  But Tabitha was holding on tight, pulling Neely Kate’s hair with all her strength as Neely Kate grappled for her hands. I started searching the parking lot, looking for something to use to stop Tabitha. A crowd of older women had formed around us, and they looked on in shock and horror. One of the women had a mostly full water bottle. I grabbed it from her hand and twisted off the cap. Rushing toward the two women, I started sloshing the water on Tabitha, who began to shriek as she let go of Neely Kate’s hair.

  Tabitha turned her murderous gaze on me, and I gave her one last slosh for good measure before tossing the bottle on the pavement, and took off running. But Tabitha had longer legs and tackled me, dropping me hard into the grass. “I’m gonna kill you!”

  I rolled to my side as she grabbed my throat, her eyes wide and crazy, and I suddenly wondered what crime she had committed to earn her probation. Oh, crap.

  “You let go of my best friend!” Neely Kate screamed, wrapping her arms around Tabitha’s chest and pulling. Tabitha lost her balance and fell to her side, her legs still pinning my waist to the ground.

  The two women were shouting at each other while I tried to get out from underneath the both of them.

  Suddenly a woman’s voice shouted with authority, “Move out of the way. Get out of the way.” The older women surrounding us let through a redheaded woman in a sheriff’s uniform. Deputy Hoffstetter, the sheriff deputy who had insulted Muffy in my own front yard, looked down at the lot of us with disgust, her eyes going wider when her gaze landed on me. “You all stop that nonsense right now. You’re under arrest.”

  Chapter Eleven

  If Deputy Hoffstetter thought her command was going to stop Tabitha, she had another thing coming. The crazed woman had managed to grab poor Neely Kate’s hair again. The deputy had pulled out her taser and was about to go to town with it when one of the older women followed my lead and dumped the contents of her mug on Tabitha. Unfortunately, it was a mug full of steaming, hot coffee.

  Tabitha started screeching as she jumped up, ready to go after the poor blue-haired Good Samaritan. Instead, Deputy Hoffstetter jumped on top of her, wrestling her to her stomach and slapping a handcuff on one of her wrists.

  I managed to crawl away from the pile, rolling over to sit on my bottom as I watched the deputy fasten the other handcuff on the wild brunette. Climbing to my feet, I started to help Neely Kate up. When I saw the tears in her eyes, I panicked as I realized that Tabitha had knocked my pregnant friend to the ground.

  I held up my hands. “Don’t get up. We have to make sure the baby’s okay. I’m going to call an ambulance.”

  “The only person you should be calling is your attorney,” the deputy said. “Like I said, the three of you are under arrest.”

  Everyone started shouting at once. The older women were taking sides—some backing up Tabitha,
the others taking Neely Kate’s side after hearing she was pregnant.

  Taking advantage of the mayhem, I quickly pulled out my phone and hit call. “Mason,” I said the moment he answered the phone. “I’m in trouble.”

  “Are you okay?” he asked, sounding panicked.

  “Yes . . . no. I don’t know. Deputy Hoffstetter’s about to arrest me and Neely Kate.”

  “Why? What happened?”

  “We got attacked by Neely Kate’s cousin’s friend. She knocked Neely Kate to the ground, Mason. I’m worried about the baby, but the deputy won’t listen.”

  “Where are you?” he asked, anger in his voice. But I knew his anger wasn’t directed at me.

  “Big Thief Hollow. At the community center.”

  “I’ll be right there, but in the meantime, don’t talk to the deputy. Tell her you’re waiting for you attorney. Hang on, sweetheart. I’m coming.”

  “Thank you.”

  Before I could say anything else, the deputy pushed through the crowd and snatched my phone. She didn’t look amused. “No calls.” She shook her head. “Why am I not surprised you’d think you could flout the rules?”

  I suspected the deputy recognized me from the other night, but we didn’t know each other personally. Why would she make an assumption like that? “You told me I could call my lawyer,” I said as she spun me around and put a handcuff on my wrist.

  “You’re gonna need one.”

  “Is that really necessary?” I asked.

  “If I had my way, you’d be barricaded in a county jail cell,” she said, fastening the other cuff.

  I tried to look over my shoulder at her to see if she was joking, but I was fairly sure she wasn’t.

  She sat me on the ground next to Neely Kate, who was also cuffed. We watched the deputy haul Tabitha to her feet and stuff her in the back of a patrol car.

  “Are you okay? Do you think the baby’s okay?” I asked her, consumed with worry.

  “I think so,” she said, her voice quivering. “But I don’t know if my hair will survive the attack, and I’m fairly sure my pride won’t.”