99 Ways to Die

by Ed Lin

  “Fuck that motherfucker!” I yelled. Kung gave me an admonishing smile that a school nurse wears for a kid who was sick because he hadn’t done what she had told him to. “Peggy, your father had some business dealings with that loser?”

  Peggy tossed another haw flake into her mouth. “I looked over my father’s notes. Ah-tien really had approached my father, looking for an intellectual-property licensing deal or a joint venture. Things didn’t work out in the end, and my father doesn’t have the actual chip design in his files.”

  Kung chimed in. “Ah-tien had a mobile phone that he only used to call Nancy. A line with only one contact means either spying or an affair.”

  “Turns out, it was the latter,” said Huang.

  “No shit,” I said. “Listen, guys, I’m not going to see that piece of shit unless I can slam a brick on his head.”

  We all swayed as the car turned onto an exit ramp. Peggy tapped her foot on the floor. “I already know there’s no way that Nancy would want to go see him, so I’m asking you as an old classmate to go visit Ah-tien in order to help my father.” Peggy touched my shoulder in a rare act of reaching out for compassion. “And you did say you’d do anything to help me and my father, right? I am begging you, Jing-nan. Help. My. Father.”

  How else could I respond?

  “Gan!” I yelled. “Okay! I’ll go!”

  “You don’t have to tell Nancy,” Peggy suggested.

  “I’m going to tell her,” I threw back defiantly. I didn’t need her relationship advice.

  “Good.”

  “Very good,” said Kung.

  “Thank you very much, Jing-nan,” said Huang. “We all really appreciate your service to your country because that’s what this is.”

  “I don’t know how I’ll do it, but I’ll manage,” I said. “Anything else that you’d want me to do would probably be much easier. Is there anything else I could do instead? Anything?”

  Kung’s eyes flashed. “Maybe there is another thing you can do. I mean, not instead, but in addition to the jail visit.” She leaned forward and pointed a blood-painted fingernail at my heart. “We know you have a family member involved in organized crime, Jing-nan.”

  “Allegedly involved,” I said. My statement neither confirmed nor denied what I knew about my uncle.

  Kung continued. “You have an uncle named Big Eye. He might know something about the kidnapping because he’s actually met Peggy before. Am I understanding this correctly?”

  Peggy stuffed haw flakes in her mouth and rolled her eyes to the ceiling.

  Goddammit, what had she told them about my gangster uncle?! Well, her father’s life was hanging in the balance, so maybe I should cut her a break. She had to tell them everything and explore every avenue.

  I opened my arms to Kung to indicate that I was going to be completely forthcoming, as well. “Yes, I have an uncle named Big Eye who knows some heidaoren people. Of course he isn’t involved in the underworld himself. He’s a legitimate businessman.” Peggy stifled a guffaw. “And, yes, he’s met Peggy before, but he hasn’t had any contact, for personal or business reasons, with her family since.”

  Peggy crumpled the haw flakes wrapper in her hands and tossed it to the back of the car. “Okay, Jing-nan,” she said. “You can say whatever you want about Big Eye. And, no, he hasn’t been in contact. I just want to know one thing for sure. Is there any way he can help get my dad back?”

  “I’ll have to ask him.” To Kung and Huang, I added, “I myself haven’t seen him in a month and I don’t hear from him on a regular basis. He doesn’t live in Taipei, after all. He lives in Taichung.” That city was a good two-hour drive southwest from Taipei. I know this because I recently enjoyed a few trips down to see him at his insistence.

  Peggy slid back a panel in the door, extracted a flask and swirled it thoughtfully in her hand. “How about we make that call now, Jing-nan?” she asked.

  I took out my phone and hid it in a fist. “I don’t have much power left right now.”

  Huang pressed his leg against mine and I could smell the cloyingly sweet jujube on his breath. “Well, why don’t we go down to the station and use one of the phones there? I’m pretty sure all our lines are working.”

  Every cop I’d ever met had sooner or later put the squeeze on me, no matter how friendly a conversation had started out. This was a good thing, though. At least they were predictable and clear in a country and culture where people are never direct about what they expect from you.

  “All right,” I said. “I’ll call him, but all of you need to be quiet. It might spook him to know that I’m with some cops and Peggy.” The cops nodded and Peggy put her hands together in a thankful gesture.

  I fumbled through my contacts list. I didn’t have many personal friends in it. Most of my contacts were people I knew who ran travel sites and blogs, and probably half of the info was out of date, as turnover and laziness has felled many a former great online page. I needed to do some major purging. My uncle maybe should be included in that purge.

  To say the truth, the whole truth and nothing but, my uncle was a lousy human being. I didn’t know that when I was a kid, when he was pushing candy and pastries on me. Earlier this year, however, I found out that he was a rotten parent, a racist, a murderer and a homophobe. What else did I know about the kindred soul who lurked inside? Oh, he has a kidlike fascination with koi, the decorative carp that rich people keep in their ponds.

  I touched his name on my screen and put the phone to my ear. Kung tapped my wrist. “Put it on speakerphone,” she warned. I shrugged and complied. The other three leaned in to me.

  As we listened to the rings, I remembered that Big Eye had invited Nancy and me to come down to his house for the holiday and I’d responded with some bullshit excuses about why we couldn’t. The weather forecast didn’t look good or it was a friend’s birthday party. Stuff along those lines. It wasn’t nice of me to do that. After all, despite everything, he was the only family I had left, and family ties in Taiwan were more bonding than any legal contract.

  I heard a scraping sound when he took my call.

  “Ah,” he exhaled languidly with a strain of menace. “Jing-nan! My favorite nephew!” I was his only nephew. “Have you changed your mind, I hope? Are you and Nancy coming down for Double Ninth?”

  Big Eye’s voice was loud and the way it probed for weakness reminded me of a principal I once had. The guy would yell and beat you at the same time for perceived infractions. I was one of the good students so he only got me twice. Kids have it so easy now because school beatings were outlawed in 2007.

  I crossed my legs and hooked my fingers in my exposed right sock. “Hello, my favorite uncle,” I managed to say smoothly. He was my only uncle. “I am really sorry, but no, we still won’t be able to make it down there. You know we want to see you for dinner and all . . .”

  “That is such a shame, Jing-nan,” Big Eye interrupted without an ounce of regret. “How about the big kidnapping? Tong-tong, head of the goddamned Lee family!”

  Peggy, Kung and Huang all drew in closer.

  “Yes, I find it quite troubling. Nancy and I are both really shocked.”

  “Yeah, that’s your friend Peggy’s dad. That poor girl. Don’t know if I mentioned it before but she’s got nice tits. I mean, I think they’re fake, but, still, they look pretty good. Of course, when you’re grabbing them, you want the real ones. They just feel better.”

  Kung looked up and rubbed her chin. Huang tightened his mouth, narrowed his eyes and turned to Peggy, who didn’t visibly react.

  I cut off my uncle. “Hey, Big Eye! Could I ask you a few things about the kidnapping?”

  “How can I help you, kid?”

  “Uh, do you know anything about it? Do you know who could be behind it?”

  His breath whistled noisily through his teeth. “Who’s behind it? I have
no idea. Tong-tong has more enemies than me! Good luck figuring out who. Anyway, it’s stupid to kidnap someone for ransom. So many things can go wrong. It’s so much easier and more lucrative to make fake ATM cards or trick people on the phone into giving their bank and credit-card information, not that I would know. Anyway, our clueless police probably don’t have a chance of finding Tong-tong on their own.” He provided a big yawn that ended with a doglike whine. “I guess everyone has a purpose in life, even the stupid and useless people that end up as cops.”

  I heard Kung’s knuckles crack as she tightened two fists.

  “My dearest uncle,” I blurted out. “Please, if you know anything helpful, tell me. Tong-tong may not mean anything to you, but he is the father of my classmate.”

  “Listen, I don’t know anything.” He was getting annoyed. I shouldn’t press him anymore.

  “I’m sorry I had to bother you and I want to say again how sorry Nancy and I are that we can’t get to your house.”

  “How many fucking times are you gonna say you’re sorry? I get it. You don’t wanna associate much with me. I know I haven’t been there for you all the times I could’ve been. As a matter of fact, I’ve been pretty shitty to you. I understand why you don’t respect me as your elder. I haven’t earned your respect.”

  The nearly genuine sadness in his voice almost got to me. “But I do respect you, Big Eye.”

  He couldn’t restrain a second yawn. “You do? Then why are you calling me at nine in the fucking morning?”

  “Your favorite nephew can’t call you to say hi?”

  He scoffed. “You’re lucky we’re related. Later.” He hung up.

  Huang sucked his lips in distress. Kung crossed her arms and legs. Peggy rubbed her hands.

  “They’re real, Jing-nan,” she said. “Tell him when you can.”

  “Sure, I will.”

  Huang straightened up and hooked his fingers into his belt. “He knew we were listening,” he said.

  “Oh, do you think?” said Kung.

  I glanced at my phone and clamped it against my leg. I cleared my throat. “Hey, guys, I did what you asked of me. How about taking me home now?”

  “You’re not off the hook yet, Jing-nan,” said Kung. “You’re going to see that guy in jail. Tomorrow morning.” I thought I was doing them a favor, but now it had become an order. It was like being back in high school where the only path was one of acquiescence.

  “I know, I know.”

  Huang nudged me. “We’d pick you up and take you there ourselves, but it’s better that you just show up like a civilian, which you are.” He picked up a jujube and furiously rubbed it with his fingertips. “And tell your uncle I said ‘Fuck you.’”

  I nodded and pocketed my phone.

  “I’m not the only avenue you’re pursuing to find Tong-tong, right? There are other leads coming in and sources that you’re humoring and threatening, I hope?”

  Kung twisted her face, making her scar more prominent in the morning light. “Sure there are, Jing-nan. That’s no reason not to put the screws to you, though.”

  “Of course,” I said. I remained quiet for the rest of the ride, containing my glee that none of them had seen the text from Big Eye. He wanted me to call him back when I was alone.

  Chapter 5

  I got my bags up to my apartment, locked the door and retreated to the kitchen, the room I felt safest in.

  If Big Eye were mixed up with this kidnapping I would just die of embarrassment.

  I stared at my phone. If I called him, I would probably find out something I would have to eventually relay to the cops in a way that wouldn’t implicate Big Eye.

  What did my uncle know? What were the chances that Tong-tong was hog-tied in the basement of my uncle’s house?

  I took up the phone and tapped Big Eye’s name.

  “Are you alone this time?” He barked out the question.

  “Yes, I am. I’m sorry about before.”

  “I could hear that you were in a car and even if you didn’t have me on speakerphone, you had this stupid lilt in your voice that told me others were listening in. It was cops, right?”

  I couldn’t help but cringe a little. “You’re right.”

  “Ma de! You know very well that I’ve never been convicted of anything, but still they treat me like a criminal. Peggy was on the line, too?”

  “Yes.” He gave a short and lusty laugh as if he were a pirate on a tight schedule.

  “I knew it. Nobody will ever get anything past me. I’m too careful. Not even using my dearest nephew as a tool can trick me.”

  I swallowed the insult and moved on. “Big Eye, you wanted me to call you. Can you help with Tong-tong or not?”

  “I can maybe sort of help you,” he mused. “It’s not really up to me, though.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “You’ll have to ask your very good mainlander friend, Frankie the Cat. He could probably help you find the guys responsible.”

  “Frankie?”

  “You bet your ass. He knows more heidaoren than me. He spent quite a few years locked up on Green Island back in the day. All of his old prison buddies are high-ranking brothers now. They’re all elder gods compared to me.”

  I knew that Frankie had contacts in shady places, but I hadn’t thought of using him as a source. Obviously the cops hadn’t either.

  “Thank you very much, Big Eye. Um, happy Double Ninth Festival.”

  “Oh, no problem. And fuck you, favorite nephew, for trying to set me up,” he growled.

  In some ways it was harder for me to ask Frankie for help than my uncle. I’ve known the Cat for as long as I can remember; I’ve seen Frankie every day of my life, with rare exceptions. Sometimes we don’t say much. We don’t have to. We know our jobs. We know what we have to do. In Taipei, your work is your life, and working together created blood bonds.

  I see Dwayne all the time, too, and while I’m as close with him as a brother, he’s different from Frankie. Dwayne almost can’t hold a thought in his head. He has to say what he has on his mind. He’s like social media on two legs. “Did you hear about so-and-so who was caught leaving a love hotel with so-and-so?” he might interject randomly. At the end of every night, it’s always, “See you tomorrow.” Frankie doesn’t bother with the small talk, or any talk, at times.

  Frankie’s role at Unknown Pleasures is like that of the bass player in a boringly conventional rock band like The Clash. He’s a steady worker who stays in the background but also controls the tempo and holds the rhythm.

  I don’t know much about his life outside of work. Then again, did anyone in Taipei have lives outside of work? My father told me years ago that Frankie had married a woman from Vietnam but I was never to ask him about her.

  What Big Eye had said was definitely true. Frankie knew people in the criminal world and it was through some of his connections that we got the best meat at the best prices. I gave Frankie the money and didn’t worry about the starting point of the supply chain. Everything was high in quality and fresh. My concerns ended there.

  Incidentally, I also like Frankie a lot and appreciate him as an integral part of my livelihood. I would be completely screwed without him both in business and on a personal basis. He’s bailed me out in big ways and has saved my life, both figuratively and literally. All things considered, he is a lethally dangerous and incredibly capable senior citizen who I am on very good terms with.

  I have never sought to test my relationship with Frankie and asking him to help rescue Tong-tong could prove formidable.

  I tried to recall his expression while Peggy and the cops were seated at Unknown Pleasures. Did he feel caught between the cops and the criminals, wondering which side to tip off? Frankie had betrayed none of his thoughts that night even though I know he was taking in everything that was being said.

&n
bsp; I washed the jujubes and shook them dry, leaving plenty of luscious water drops for the pictures on social media. They glistened in the sunlight like buns on a nude beach.

  I posted the pictures, adding the hashtag #nofilter just in case people thought their unusual color was something that was digitally enhanced. I’ll admit that sometimes I’ve helped pictures look more appetizing, but not today.

  I also added the #vegan hashtag to bring in another demographic that wouldn’t be roped in with #beef or #bbq, my constant top two tags.

  By the time I had moved on to posting pictures of a stack of strategically chopped spring onions, I noticed quite a lot of likes for the jujubes. I was glad that the meat eaters weren’t turned off by the vegan tag. In fact, the comments were supportive of having such an option.

  I was pleased with most of what everyone had to say with the exception of one commenter who suggested we have a special skewer named after Tong-tong to be served in a net and tied up. Two people actually liked the comment.

  I’m not a fan of big money or major corporations. I suppose I’m not even a natural ally of Peggy’s father. But there is such a thing as going too far, and I’ve blocked users for such infractions. For example, someone once said that Unknown Pleasures was the McDonald’s of night-market cuisine. No matter how you feel about the American chain (I love their fried pies but their burgers suck), it was a dig at both our businesses. I couldn’t allow it.

  In this case, however, I didn’t want to merely block the user. I wanted to take a public stand here, something that I couldn’t do when that couple was bad-mouthing Tong-tong back at Family Mart.

  “Tong-tong is my landlord and my friend’s father,” I added to the comment. “Without him, there wouldn’t be an Unknown Pleasures. All of us here are praying for his safe return.”

  By the time I was slicing sugarcane into pointed sticks for their photo op, the user had deleted his mean comment. Victory! I had prevailed by using the treasured passive Taiwanese way of shaming bad behavior.

  I arrived at the night market fairly early, at around five. Frankie had been there for about an hour, judging by the volume of cleaned intestines ready to marinate overnight for tomorrow. Most of our prep work at Unknown Pleasures was for the next day, not the night about to fall.