99 Ways to Die

by Ed Lin

  The shorter guard couldn’t suppress a giggle.

  “Hey, shorty,” said Peggy, “what do you do?”

  “I’m . . . I’m a footpost guard.”

  “Go pick up that bag of shit!”

  We walked to the dormitory guardhouse, a small concrete bunker next to the rolldown steel gate. It was the place where migrant workers had to check in before entering and being locked in for the night.

  It was meant to be a one-man security post, and Lee was justifiably surprised to find another guard sitting in the seat with his back to us.

  The guest was a big man and his ill-fitting uniform shirt didn’t reach his waist. The hat was on backwards and an opened beer bottle was clutched in his right hand.

  “Ma de!” declared the returning guard. “That’s my booth, asshole!”

  Dwayne turned around in the seat.

  “I would have to say, sir, that your time really is up.”

  Lee drew his weapon. Nancy pressed herself against me. I shifted until I was between her and the gun. Peggy sauntered behind the guardhouse.

  “Hey, what the fuck are you doing here?” I heard her say. Then I heard a muffled clicking sound. Frankie appeared, his hands clasped at his chest level as he took measured steps toward Lee.

  “Would you happen to be a gambling man?” he asked Lee.

  “What?” He was confused why his drawn gun wasn’t acting as a deterrent.

  “Do you like to gamble? Shit, you were in the army, weren’t you? Don’t tell me you don’t like to toss dice in a bowl.”

  “I could arrest you right now,” said Lee. “Both of you! What are you, homeless foreigners?”

  “Us? Foreigners?” said Dwayne. “My people are as old as the soil and my children are going to live to see everybody else leave.”

  “Mr. Security Guard,” said Frankie. “There’s already been enough maligning of foreigners lately. Let’s just stop.” The shorter one began to back away and Frankie whistled at him. “You. Stay here with us. I’ll give you good odds. I’ll give you three-to-one odds that your friend here is going to put down his gun when I show him what’s in my hands. Are you in?”

  “No!”

  “I’m in for one hundred NT!” declared Nancy. I tensed up but she whispered in my ear. “I asked Frankie and Dwayne to come just in case we needed backup.” That calmed me immediately.

  “I’m in for a hundred NT also,” I said.

  Frankie raised his hands over his head and shook them. “Sorry guys, I don’t take bets from anyone I know. Anybody else? Betting closes in three, two . . . one!” Frankie stared at Lee. “Ready?” Frankie opened his hands and several bullet cartridges flew out and twinkled in the air as they fell to the asphalt. “Drop it, Lee. An unloaded gun is only good for hammering nails.”

  Lee pounced on a bullet. I wish I had my phone camera ready. I could’ve created a slo-mo video recording of Frankie flying through the air and kicking the gun out of Lee’s hands. It would have gone viral on Unknown Pleasures’ Facebook page.

  Lee spun to the ground, landing on his left shoulder. He lay there and massaged his right wrist.

  “Looks like you brought a gun to a fistfight,” said Frankie.

  “Get fucked, old man,” said Lee as he remained prone.

  I walked up to the guardhouse and pointed at Dwayne’s face. “You look ridiculous in that uniform. I think you should wear it to work every day.”

  Dwayne lazily folded his arms behind his head. “This is my real job. Saving your ass.”

  “I’m glad you and Frankie came,” said Nancy.

  “No sweat at all. It was an easy MRT ride.” Dwayne glanced over his shoulder. “You know what, though? I do want to ride that Ferris wheel at some point. But not tonight.”

  Lee dusted off his hands and legs. Before he stood fully erect, he pointed at Dwayne. “My employer will have your head!”

  Dwayne leapt out of the guardhouse and smashed his fist into Lee’s face, just below the left cheekbone. I’d be surprised if fewer than two teeth had been knocked out. Lee hit the ground like a skydiver without a parachute.

  “I do the headhunting around here,” Dwayne spat at Lee, who was splayed out like the fossil of a flying dinosaur. The other security guard tried to break into a run, but Frankie already had him by the sleeve.

  “Don’t worry, we know you’re just a low-level chickenshit fuckup. They’ll go easy on you, assuming you’re not up to anything else.”

  Peggy, sensing that any threat was over, came out and stood next to Dwayne.

  “I’m calling the cops now because I don’t know what the hell is going on!”

  “Huang and Kung are already on their way,” said Nancy. “Along with other interested parties.”

  “Jing-nan better have a good lawyer for you two,” said Peggy, pointing at Dwayne and Frankie.

  “You oughta put in a call to your lawyer, Peggy,” Frankie parried.

  “For what?”

  “For throwing the book at your guard Lee. He abandoned his post, for starters.”

  “He deserved to get punched out for that?”

  Frankie idly rolled his right foot on a loose bullet. “No, not for that,” admitted Frankie. “But for kidnapping your father and killing that executive, yeah, he deserves it.” He turned to the guard in his custody. “You, what’s your name?”

  The guy cleared his throat. “Chen.”

  “You know how the old fairy tales always have some generic guy named Chen who gets killed by page two? In any case, are you related to Jing-nan here?”

  “No. I don’t know him.”

  “Does this guy look familiar to you, Nancy?”

  She leaned in slightly and narrowed her eyes. “I don’t think I’ve ever seen him before. Should I know him from somewhere?”

  Frankie tilted his head back. “Oh, this is my fault. We’re playing this game with the wrong pair of people. Peggy, take a good look at that poor bastard on the ground. Dwayne, roll him on his back. There. Does he look like anyone you know?”

  Peggy cracked her knuckles and approached Lee until her toes were inches away from his head.

  “I don’t think I’ve seen him before. It’s weird, he sort of looks like one of my uncles, a little.” She brought her hands together in a sudden clap and raised an eyebrow. “Is it my uncle, after plastic surgery?”

  “I don’t know about the plastic surgery part, but if you were on better terms, you’d be eating at the same extended-family banquets. He’s apparently the grandson of your grandfather’s oldest brother.”

  Peggy squared her feet with her shoulders. “What? My great uncle’s family went to Thailand after the war. We never heard from him again.”

  Frankie flashed a smile. “His family’s been keeping track of you.”

  “If you don’t mind, Peggy,” I said, “I think it’s time to invite the police to enter this zone and help get this all straightened out.”

  Nancy danced in place. “First things first, Peggy! You have to thank me for texting Dwayne and Frankie. If they weren’t here, this guy would never have been caught. Who knows, maybe he would’ve killed us.”

  Peggy looked at Frankie and then at Nancy. “He wasn’t going to kill us, was he?” She walked over to Lee and nudged his face with her shoe. “Hey you, were you going to shoot us? Even me, your own blood?” The man was completely out and a small trickle of blood came from his lips.

  Peggy glared at Nancy. “I don’t believe in gratuitous appreciation, but you did go above and beyond. I even told you not to tell anyone but you still told Frankie and Dwayne. Thank you.” She punched a number into her phone and put it to her ear. “But I wouldn’t promote you because you disobeyed orders.”

  “I wish she were my boss,” I muttered to Nancy.

  “I heard that,” Peggy stated.

  Peggy
hadn’t called the Taipei police. She got in touch with a family friend at the Republic of China Air Force.

  When three unmarked SUVs rolled up I thought they were some of Frankie’s underworld friends, but the men who emerged were dressed in jumpsuits and jackboots. A single man hoisted up Lee by the armpits and pulled him into the back of an SUV. It spoke to how efficient they would be in retrieving injured comrades. They shoved the shitbag in with Lee, and strong-armed the other guard, Chen, into the middle of the back-row seat. Another man entered the security booth and remained standing at attention.

  The air force guys were under orders to take custody of the lot of us. I didn’t feel unsafe, however, as I got into what turned out to be the second car in the convoy. Nancy sat next to me and Dwayne sat behind us with a man who was as upright and alert as a dog show Doberman pinscher.

  We rolled west toward the general headquarters of the air force. The man left in the guardhouse saluted us.

  During the ride, Dwayne told us in a hushed voice that after he and Frankie had gotten Nancy’s message, they took a taxi to the warehouse and walked the perimeter of it. Dwayne noticed that a guard on duty had fallen asleep, and snuck up on him, ready to scare him as a prank. Then he saw the man had a holstered gun.

  Frankie managed to pry open a window and get a hold of the gun. After he removed the bullets and replaced it, Frankie called a friend to trace the weapon’s serial number. Dwayne and Frankie were debating what to do when the other security guard came strolling in and they quickly decided to hide. Chen woke up Lee and the two were joking around when they noticed lights were flashing around the warehouse windows.

  Chen and Lee took off for the building. When it was clear they weren’t coming back soon, Frankie searched the booth and found a number of incriminating papers, documents from the Chinese government and names of Chinese spies in Taipei. Lee had figured that his booth would be the most secure place to stash such things, but it became a convenient place to find everything in one spot.

  I interrupted the story. “Dwayne, where is Frankie right now?”

  He cleared his throat. “He’s in the general’s car behind us. They’re going through the papers right now. A bunch of people are gonna be in deep shit.”

  Nancy raised her hand. “What about the gun? How did Lee get one?”

  Dwayne glanced at the rearview mirror of the SUV. “It’s a military issue, of course. Frankie thinks the gun was sold by a gang that operates within the army. These air force guys are going to look up the serial number, see what the deal is and then make it disappear. You watch.”

  I turned to the tinted window and watched the edge of the dark road wriggle through the night. I thought about my parents and my grandparents and the choices we all made so that I would be right here, right now.

  Nancy said something just as I had the same thought. “I wish Peggy had called the cops instead.”

  Dwayne made a disapproving sound in his throat. “I don’t. If the cops showed up, they’d probably let Lee go to meet with his attorney or whatever. I say to hell with his civil rights.”

  I glanced at the Doberman-faced guard. If he were listening, he showed no sign of it.

  Nancy tried to wrap her arms around herself and crossed her legs. “I don’t see why they had to take us with them,” she said.

  “All of us have to corroborate Peggy’s story. And Nancy, you’ll have to explain that you brought in me and Frankie. It will help in case there are charges for trespassing on private property.”

  “I’m glad we were with Peggy,” I said. “We couldn’t very well be trespassing with a member of the owner’s family. Huh, Nancy?”

  One corner of Nancy’s mouth twisted into a line chart projecting lower revenue for the next fiscal year. “Does the air force really have the personnel and the time to interrogate us?” she asked.

  Dwayne propped up his elbows on either side of my headrest. “It’s not the air force that’s gonna be demanding answers, Nancy!”

  Chapter 14

  Tong-tong was in an agitated and yet dreamlike state. The man wiped both sides of his face and raked his fingers through his scalp to the back of his neck. The continuous action appeared to simultaneously soothe and enrage him.

  He paced the stage with big and slow strides. “I just can’t believe this,” he said into the wireless mic. “How could this be?”

  We were sitting in stadium seats in a below-ground-level auditorium. The first row was occupied by five of Tong-tong’s personal bodyguards. Lee, who was sporting a black eye but seemed alert, was handcuffed to a chair on the stage. Seated on either side of him were two unamused air force officers.

  We had already passed the mic around the room once. Peggy went first with her account of the night. Nancy said that she knew that a police presence would rouse suspicion from the bystanders and the kidnappers alike, so she had called the two most-competent “agents” she knew, Frankie and Dwayne.

  Frankie could have talked about the shadow in the video and how he tipped off the police that the place had to be near the entertainment park. Instead, his story started with how he and Dwayne snuck up to the guard booth. Dwayne added that he had punched Lee in the face out of anger and apologized for it.

  I didn’t know what to say to account for myself, especially when I saw a throbbing vein on Tong-tong’s forehead. I decided to offer him my condolences. “Tong-tong, I hope that now we’ve found the guy, you find some solace.”

  With that, I handed the mic to an air force officer who looked about my age. She opened a manila envelope, withdrew a sheet of paper and read aloud from it.

  “Our preliminary investigation of the papers found in the guardhouse show that the documents appear to be genuine. We have already apprehended Chinese agents, identified by the paper work, who were working in the National Immigration Agency to aid in this plot.

  “The guard has been identified as Lee Wei-yin, also known as Lee Shui-long, a grandson of Lee Shih-chao, who was the older brother of Lee Shih-yao, who is the father of Tong-tong. Lee Shih-chao, who is now deceased, was not able to escape from China until the Korean War began in 1950. Shih-chao boarded a ship bound for Bangkok, Thailand. Shih-chao tried to get in touch with Shih-yao by phone and letters, demanding his share of the family fortune that Shih-yao had managed to bring to Taiwan years earlier. Shih-yao apparently never replied.

  “Shih-chao started a business in import-export that did well for years but collapsed in the financial crisis of 1997. The entire family was plunged into debt and shame. In 1999, when Wei-yin was thirty, he went to China to work for a rival’s company and complained frequently that Tong-tong’s father stole the family fortune.

  “The Chinese government had been interested in a chip that Tong-tong had been shopping around several years ago. Taiwanese manufacturers were successful in lobbying Tong-tong to not make the chip, which would disrupt too many operations within the semiconductor industry. That interest became more pronounced earlier this year after Taiwanese company SMC relocated wafer-fabrication plants to Malaysia from China after attempts were made to steal its intellectual property.

  “The Chinese Ministry of State Security contacted Wei-yin about a year ago, after determining that he was indeed related to the well-known Lee family of Taipei. They had wanted Wei-yin to ingratiate himself to Tong-tong and steal the chip design. Wei-yin went along with it but he had his own plan.

  “With two other as-yet unidentified members of his family, Wei-yin entered Taiwan in January with a migrant worker program. Because he held a college degree, he was eligible for higher-placement positions, which is how he was appointed a security guard.

  “Wei-yin was supposed to approach Tong-tong only in a friendly manner but instead plotted the kidnapping. He planned to sell the chip design to the highest bidder, not necessarily China. The unavailability of the design thwarted the plan. We are interrogating agents from the immigr
ation department about the other two kidnappers, who may have left the country already.”

  The officer finished reading and slid the paper back into the envelope. She carried the microphone to Tong-tong along with the envelope.

  “Is this the only copy of this report?” asked Tong-tong. The officer nodded. He folded up the envelope and stuck it inside his suit jacket. It was the last thing he said clearly.

  Tong-tong continued to slowly walk along the edge of the stage and at times he walked dangerously close along the edge. I saw Nancy and then Dwayne stifle yawns. I wish I hadn’t seen them. I remember hearing a theory that yawning was a vestigial remnant of a group-howling activity that our primate ancestors practiced. Its contagiousness is bred in our bones. I yawned so hard I teared up.

  When I regained control of my face, I found that Tong-tong was staring right at me.

  “Am I boring you, Jing-nan?” the room’s speakers thundered. “This man almost killed me and you’re so unconcerned that you’re falling asleep?”

  I propped myself up and tried to look alert. This was embedded in my muscle memory from years of school and cram school. “Mr. Lee,” I said to be respectful, “I’m really sorry, but I’m usually asleep by this time.” The acoustics in the room were good enough that a mic wasn’t necessary, but I wasn’t going to tell Tong-tong that. Not while he was in this state.

  “I’m usually fucking asleep by now, too, Jing-nan! It’s one thirty in the fucking morning!”

  “I know you’re tired, too. Maybe we should take a break for the night, have the authorities take custody of Mr. Lee and let them figure out what to do.”

  Tong-tong wrung the mic with both hands, probably imagining that it was my neck. “Don’t you know what an embarrassment this is for me? For my family, including Peggy, your friend and classmate? How can we hold our heads up when people find out that I am related to the piece of shit who kidnapped me?” He paused briefly to prowl the stage some more. “No way am I handing this guy over to the police.”