Waking to Black

by V. H. Luis

  “Let me put them on you.”

  You had a good run, Evie, but the cat’s out of the bag. Did you honestly think you could hide this forever? A shudder rips through my body and my mouth is dry as panic replaces my anger. I shake my head and offer Adam a mechanical smile.

  “Thank you, but I can’t possibly accept anything so extravagant.” Attempting to put some distance between us I take a step back, but he moves forward, invading my space.

  “I insist. I’m tired of those bangles you wear. They make the most annoying jingling noise as you walk.”

  The stiffness of his facial features scares me. I turn to leave the room, but he grabs one of my wrists, preventing my escape. He knows. I don’t know how, but he does. Adam pulls me against him and then speaks. “What has you so nervous?”

  His eyes are a piercing cobalt. He’s trying to conceal his emotions, to control them, and as always, he simultaneously intimidates and mesmerizes me.

  “I think you already know,” I whisper.

  “I’m going to let you go, but I need you to sit.” He points to the chair behind his desk, his grip on my wrist firm, and his imposing frame shadowing mine. The domineering undertones of his actions sends chills down my spine.

  “Do you understand me?”

  I nod, and Adam releases his hold. Butterflies have infiltrated my stomach and the room is spinning, so slowly, I move to the chair and sit. Oh God, please don’t let me have a panic attack now.

  “How did you find out?” I say, staring at the floor and avoiding his gaze.

  “Unfortunately, not from you.”

  He tosses the box on the desk, the sharp sound echoing as it slams against the wood. I appreciate the jolt as it snaps me out of my shock, because again my privacy has been violated.

  “Well then, how exactly did you find out?”

  “If you’re going to question me, stop being such a coward. I’m not offering you any explanations while you refuse to look at me.”

  “I’m a coward?” My head snaps up. “You’re the one who went behind my back investigating my life. Tell me, how did you find out?”

  “What’s going on between us has moved like wildfire. In the span of weeks, we’ve become more than I anticipated. I make it a priority to know those I spend time with—I won’t allow another woman to make a fool of me!”

  He flinches, his head tilting sideways and his lips pressing hard against each other. His stilted movements make it obvious he regrets the admission. He swallows once before speaking.

  “I told you before, I don’t associate with people who lie.”

  “An omission is not a lie.”

  “It is to me.”

  “How. Did. You. Find. Out?” I punctuate the words slowly.

  “I had a private investigator run a background check on you.”

  “You’re an intrusive bastard.”

  Ignoring the insult, he stares at me hard-faced. “It all makes sense now. The way you acted the night we first slept together, when you woke up from that bad dream. I knew something significant in your past was tormenting you, but I wasn’t prepared to learn what I did.” Closing his eyes, he shakes his head and the image of him filled with pity and regret, is unbearable, because Adam has never been one to demonstrate such emotions.

  “Wipe that expression from your face. Don’t you dare look at me like that.”

  I’m on the verge of falling apart. If I don’t calm down soon I’ll pass out. Adam doesn’t respond to my commands, in fact he keeps staring at me with muted eyes.

  “So you investigate me, you find out I once tried to commit suicide by slashing my wrists and you decide to buy me jewelry? That seems logical to you?”

  Air escapes his lips in a cynical chuckle. “I was in the process of buying you the bangles before I found out. I wasn’t lying when I said I found the jingling noise of the jewelry you normally wear, annoying.”

  “You keep secrets from me.” I say between clenched teeth. “I’ve respected that because the truth is we barely know each other. It’s not reasonable to assume someone will tell you everything about them in the span of two weeks.”

  “We’re talking about two separate situations.” Adam rubs the back of his head, an action I know he does when he’s stressed. “Knowing that the person you’re with has potential issues—that they might hurt themselves because they’re upset or unhappy—is the type of information you tell someone when you start a relationship with them.”

  “That’s just it! We aren’t forming a relationship here. We’re sort of dating, and idly fucking each other for the time being.”

  My words snap him out of his somberness. “I’m so fucking tired of you saying that. Of you using that excuse to push me away, even after I’ve explained that what’s going on between us, that this—” he flicks his wrist point at himself and then me, “—is new to me.”

  “Don’t worry. I won’t do something stupid if things between us fall apart.” I swipe at my cheek, flicking away my tears. “Put your conscience at ease and feel free to do what you do best, walk away.”

  I need to leave. The idea of being in the same room with Adam is intolerable. I stand, but immediately his strong arms are around me. Frantically, I struggle to escape his hold. Why does he care? Why is he doing this to me? Why doesn’t he understand?

  My chest burns, spots cloud my vision and before I realize what’s happening, my body stiffens against Adam and my knees go weak. The room is spinning, and I’m reminded of the first day we met, when he held me like this at the bank, when he was my hero.

  Adam effortlessly scoops me into his arms, carries me to the couch on the adjacent wall, and lays me down. We sit there for a few minutes—me watching him breathe while I desperately try to mimic the action. As the panic attack fades and my surroundings come into focus, I notice Adam’s thumb rubbing against my forearm in small circles. I hate how gentle he’s being because it makes me feel pathetic and weak.

  “It’s not something I discuss even with people who’ve known me my entire life.”

  Tenderly, he grabs my chin so I stare at him. “Maybe, it’s something you should discuss.”

  “Are you offering your ear?” I say sullenly.

  “If you want it, then yes. It’s yours.”

  He stares at me, with those damn beautiful eyes—eyes that can see through everything and a paralyzing pain erupts in my chest. He’s never going to look at me the same as he did before.

  When I stay silent, he sighs, a deep expelling of air and I think he’s going to tell me it’s over, that he can’t deal with my past, my baggage. I’m so scared, I can’t move.

  “Evelyn, I’ve been wondering, since I met you why a woman with so much to offer, lives her life like a shadow. Now I know why.” He pauses, his fingers combing the strands of my wandering hair before he carefully pushes them behind my ear.

  “You have every right to be angry at me—I am an intrusive bastard. And while I’m sorry my actions have upset you, I’m not, nor will I ever be, the type of man who can ignore a problem, especially when it gets in the way of what I want.”

  The statement is so far from what I expected, my downcast gaze shoots up to meet his. As our eyes connect, his hand curves around the back of my head, holding me in place.

  “I care about you. And because I do, I need to tell you that if you’re not honest with yourself about your past, it’s bound to repeat itself.”

  “It won’t.” I deny with a strong shake of my head, but still he doesn’t let go of me.

  His lips tense, and his jaw stiffens almost as if he’s holding back from saying something and the reality of the situation again makes me angry. Angry that he hired someone to look into my past, angry at the hypocrisy of his statements.

  “You’re not honest with me. You’re not honest with yourself.”

  Adam’s hand pulls away, dropping to his side and his posture transforms before my eyes. The caring man who a minute ago was tenderly touching me is now hidden from view.
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br />   “You’re right. I don’t talk about my past, because it has no bearing towards my future. It doesn’t weight me down like yours does. It doesn’t inhibit me and prevent me from being successful.”

  He’s wrong of course, his past does inhibit him, because though he’s obviously successful, his reticence about his past, prevents him from falling in love. But I’m so desperate to keep us together I don’t contradict him. Am I willing, in order to keep him in my life, to cede all the power in this liaison? Frustrated by the thought I lash out.

  “Why does it matter? Why can’t we be happy with what we have now?”

  “Because for the first time in years, I’m not finding satisfaction with something superficial.” Adam grabs one of my wrists and pulls off the bangles I normally wear. He looks at the visible marks of my past and his darken expression, the vulnerability of being so exposed in front of him makes me tremble. Noticing, he fits his fingers between mine until my muscles relent and quit shaking.

  Adam glances at his watch. “We’re late, and we still need to get ready. That is, if you still want to go to Sarah’s party.”

  I nod and he gingerly pulls me up. We’re inches apart, and I want him to kiss me and show me we can make this work. But his voice is distant as he takes a step back. “Are you okay?”

  “Yeah…” I rub the sides of my arms, and the friction helps me focus. “That happens to me sometimes…panic attacks.” Confessing that, even though he already knows from past experience, makes me feel exposed, so I quickly add, “I’m fine.”

  His eyes twitch and I know he doesn’t believe me, but fortunately, he doesn’t press the issue.

  “How long will you need to get ready?”

  I shrug and tell him a half hour. He nods again and then walks to the door, leaving without looking at me. His detachment makes it impossible for me to hold back my anger.

  “You’re wrong,” I call out, and he stops, turning his head enough to look at me. “The secrets you keep do inhibit you. You’re not as free as you think.”

  A pensive expression crosses his face and he inhales deeply.

  “Maybe you’re right… But I’m not sure I can fix that.” Without another word, he strides out of the room.

  What are you doing here, Evelyn? The man is riddled with trust issues, and you’re pretty messed up already.

  Unwilling to throw in the towel, I mimic Adam’s purposeful gait as I make my way to the guest bedroom. But my aching heart makes it hard for me to get excited about the evening ahead.

  With disinterest, I shower and dress. I’ve decided to wear the fluted dress Marian from Neiman Marcus absolutely loved. I style my auburn curls so they cascade down my back. As I’m putting on lip gloss I see Adam in the bathroom mirror. We stare at each other. I’m still frustrated, yet I can’t deny the effect his appearance has on me. He’s impeccably dressed and, to my shame, my mouth parts at the sight. I turn to face him and he’s holding the jewelry box.

  “You look beautiful. I want you to wear these.” There’s sincerity in his voice, though I still get the impression he’s building barriers between us.

  Without waiting for me to agree, Adam grabs my wrists and puts the thick bangles on me. His actions always reflect his desire to dominate me, to own me, though for some reason I don’t find the notion frightening anymore. Wake the hell up, Evelyn. You’ve fallen down the rabbit hole.

  He turns to leave and I grab his arm. The thought of him pulling away is like a knife piercing my already fragile heart. He looks at me, emotions I don’t comprehend waging war in his eyes. Unbelievably, Adam is unsure of what to do. I help him by wrapping my arms around his body and kissing him.

  He lifts me so I sit on the bathroom counter. One of his arms moves up my back, gliding along the nape of my neck and firmly settling in my tangled curls. Our kiss is filled with desperation as our tongues clash with each other. Adam bites at my lips, making me moan with want. I can tell he’s as frustrated as I am, because I can practically taste his exasperation.

  I forget everything and I want him to take me right here. I want him to rip the clothing off my shaking body and show me how much he needs me, wants me. He pulls back, his lips compressing with what seems like regret. His eyes shutter and then he’s lost to me again.

  “We need to go.” Adam stares into the mirror and straightens his attire. He gazes at me with what I think is longing, though I’m not sure, and then he turns, stepping out of the room with the same purposeful walk.

  I shake my head and whisper to myself, “I’m not falling down the rabbit hole. I’m already in Wonderland.”

  Chapter Sixteen

  AS PARKER DRIVES us in a black limo toward Coral Gables, Adam and I sit in silence. I wish I knew what he was thinking. He wanted me in the bathroom and yet he pulled away. Why would he do that?

  “What do your parents do, Adam?” I say, in the hopes that an unassuming conversation can break the tense atmosphere.

  “My father owns a medical practice and my mother owns an architecture firm,” Adam says with disinterest. He gives me a quick side-glance and then turns away, his attention focused out the window.

  I hate it when he’s so indifferent.

  “Oh, that’s interesting.” I fidget in my seat and let the quiet envelope us. A few more minutes pass and I realize that this is a make it or break it moment. If I let the distance between us widen, if I ignore the situation, I’m signing the death warrant on our brief affair.

  I take a deep breath and stare at him, in possession of a bravery foreign to me. “I want you to answer a question for me, Adam.”

  He cocks his head to the side, his body stiff. “Whether or not you get an answer depends on the question.”

  Is nothing easy with this man?

  “You’ve often said that honesty is important to you. I hope that if you expect honesty from me, you are willing to offer it.”

  “What diplomatic reasoning,” he utters dryly while pressing a button on the doorframe. A dark divider rises, separating the front of the car from the back. Parker can no longer hear us; we’re alone. “What’s piqued your curiosity now?”

  Staring into his intense gaze almost undoes my resolve. “What was the name of the woman, the one you cared for?”

  “Why would you want to know that?” He scoffs. “I would think the details of my dealings with past women would be an unpleasant subject for you.”

  A nervous laugh shakes out of me. “Normally I would agree, but the more I get to know you, the more I realize your past is an important factor in our future.” I try to sound rational, though I can’t prevent the tremor in my voice. “I want to get to know you better, and to do that I need to know about her.”

  He sighs heavily and his intimidating gaze takes on a calculating gleam. “I’ll answer your question if you answer one of mine.”

  Oh no, not this game again. I purse my lips, noting the challenge in his tone. “What type of question?”

  He grabs my hand and I gasp at the unexpected action. With ease, he pulls and I am in his lap. Adam’s lips rub against my neck and his breath is warm on my skin. It’s hard to think when he’s so close.

  He pulls on my hair, forcing me to tilt my neck up, and then places his lips on my pulse in a soft kiss. “What would possess you to harm yourself?”

  The beating of my heart has increased, and though I want to avoid his gaze, his firm hold makes the action impossible.

  “Evelyn…” he says tenderly. “Help me understand. Because if I’m perfectly honest, I have to admit your history confuses the hell out of me. How could a talented, beautiful, clever girl who quite literally had the world at her fingertips try to kill herself?”

  Adam grabs my chin and his nose rubs against mine as he stares into my eyes. “A private investigator can tell me what happened, but what I want to know is why it happened.”

  “Why do you need an explanation?” I say as the sting of my watering eyes burn.

  “I want one because even though you have y
et to realize it, I care about you. The thought of you harming yourself fucking burns.” He shakes his head. “I need to understand why you would do something so incredibly…”

  “Stupid… Selfish.” I finish his statement in a broken sob. My fingers graze his cheek and the grainy rasp of his stubble helps me focus. “Sometimes truths are too hard to talk about.”

  One of Adam’s hands moves along my back, massaging the muscles of my spine. “Sometimes confronting those truths is the only way to overcome them.”

  “Have you done that? Confronted all your demons? Because from the little that I know, it seems like you’re holding on to something heavy. A secret you keep locked away and hidden under this tight—” I clamp my fists together, “—suffocating control.”

  “I own everything that’s happened in my life because I know every struggle has made me the man that I am—a man who is successful and determined. A man who knows that living under the shadow of mistakes and regret is stifling. My past relationships have molded me, but they sure as hell don’t dictate my future. Don’t fault me because I refused to make the same mistake, twice.”

  “What mistake? Would trusting me, be a mistake?”

  “That’s not what I meant, and it’s not pertinent to what we are discussing.”

  “I hate when you do that,” I say petulantly. “You speak as if you know everything, as if no one in the world could possibly disagree with you, all the while ignoring my questions.” I close my eyes because I’m frustrated by his eloquence and my persistent inability to articulate what I’m feeling.

  “And you avoid topics by pointing an angry finger at me.” He sounds offended but still holds me close, the beating of his heart ticking steadily against my chest.

  I need to tell him. He needs to know I can be honest, and I need to tell him because I need to know he can be kind, loving, and considerate. Maybe that’s what love is, one person taking a leap and praying the other follows.

  “Little girls adore their fathers. They mean the world to us.” I can hear the bitterness in my voice, the sound overflowing with a sorrow I know too well. “But as time passes we grow up and we want our freedom.” My legs flex in a fidgeting motion as I speak. “So one day, I told my father that I was leaving, that I loved him but I was moving out.” I pause for a long moment. “My dad was a troubled soul. He suffered from a long list of issues and had been taking pills to regulate his moods since he was twenty… He didn’t know how to be alone and having his little girl abandon him broke his heart.”