Waking to Black

by V. H. Luis

  “Well, thank you for the Christmas visit.” I stand and start to walk to my room.

  Tina follows me and her voice is louder than ever. “I want you to say it, because I doubt you’ve ever spoken the words aloud.”

  “Have you been drinking?” I cock a brow at her. “What are you talking about?” I start to organize the items on my dresser. Doing something simple helps me stay in control.

  “You’re in love with him. Say it.”

  I turn to face her. “What does it matter? You want to hurt me; is that it? You want me to break down and curl up on the floor because I can’t have what I want?”

  “I want you to be honest. You never tell me the truth…” Tina has tears in her eyes. “Three years ago, during the holidays you—”

  “I took a razor to my wrists. Is that the honesty you’re looking for?” My eyes swell with suppressed tears.

  “No,” she says softly. “I asked you before I left that day if you were okay. I was petrified for weeks, thinking you might do something stupid, but you said you were fine and I fucking believed you.” She wipes at the tears cascading down her cheek. “You weren’t honest with me then, and you’re not being honest now.”

  “I didn’t hurt myself because of you, Tina.” I say the words because I feel she needs to hear them. “I was unhappy. I didn’t want to keep living with the guilt of abandoning my father, of being the catalyst for his fucking suicide. I wanted to stop thinking of all the things that had gone wrong since his death. Like when Michael would try to leave me and I would suck him off to placate him, even though I fucking couldn’t stand his touch. Or how after he tried to rape me, I begged him to stay! Who the fuck does that?”

  I swing my hand against the glasses on the dresser and they fly off shattering against the wall.

  “I wanted the pain to stop. It had nothing to do with you or my mom.”

  Tina takes a step forward. I know she’s about to hug me and the thought makes me cringe. I take a step back. I can’t stand the idea of being touched right now. We both stare at each other, our bodies frozen. Tina is the first to break the silence.

  “That’s not the point. You had people who cared about you—you had me. I could have talked to you about what you were feeling. Your mother and I, we could have gotten you help. You pushed us away and you’re doing it again. You’re pushing him away.”

  “Adam has kept me at arm’s length from the very start,” I yell. “He kept his past a secret, while not only demanding truths from me I wasn’t ready to reveal, but going out of his way to search for them.”

  “So instead of standing your ground and calling him on his bullshit you ended it before he did?”

  “Since when are you his advocate?”

  “Since he shelved his arrogance and called me,” she blurts out.

  “W-What?” My heart does a weird skip and suddenly feeling lightheaded, I place a hand on the dresser to support myself.

  “You wouldn’t answer his calls. He wanted to make sure you were all right.” Her voice softens. “I imagine, for a man like Adam Black, who is used to getting his way, it must have been hard to call the best friend of the girl he was seeing, just to know how she’s doing. You’ve said it yourself, the man isn’t known for demonstrating his emotions and yet, he called someone he barely knows, because he was worried about you.”

  “It doesn’t matter,” I say breathily, my chest hurting, because of course it does. “What I feel isn’t important, because it doesn’t change anything.” I raise my hands, splaying my hands in a futile attempt at restraining the anxiety taking hold of my body.

  “It’s important to me, because I love you, and I know it’s important to him. A man doesn’t introduce a woman to his friends and family if he doesn’t care about her. He wouldn’t have agreed to meet your mother… He wouldn’t have called me.” She takes a deep breath and gives me a hard stare. “If you walk away now, you’ll never know if it could’ve worked. You’ll live with that regret for the rest of your life.”

  “So what’s the alternative? You seem to have all the answers. Tell me what to do.” The sarcasm in my voice leaves a bad taste. “What the hell do you want from me?”

  “I want my fucking friend back! It’s what I’ve wanted for the last three years. I don’t know if all the happily ever after shit really exists, but I know if you walk away now you’ll quit living again.”

  I shake my head. “I can’t call him. I can’t see him. I wouldn’t make it a minute before I fell apart and begged him to take me back. I would lose what little pride I have left because I’m in love with him. And I can’t lose the little I have left, because I won’t be able to go on, and I know I have to, for you and my mom.”

  “No, Evie, not for me and your mom. For you! Life is not worth living for others.”

  Tina really missed her calling. She should have studied psychology, because I swear she’s more adept at getting me to face facts than anyone else in the whole world.

  I take a deep breath and will my body to relax. “I’m sorry that it’s your shitty lot in life to pick up my pieces. I’m not even sure why you do it. We both know when the pressure builds I crumble. It doesn’t matter how strong I want to be, because I don’t have it in me.”

  The sobs I’ve been guarding against burst free. Voicing the words aloud is cathartic and yet bittersweet.

  Tina moves forward and I let her wrap her arms around me.

  “Do you remember when we were in high school and Kevin and I broke up?”

  I frown at the question. “Yes.”

  “You convinced a bunch of us to go to Orlando for an impromptu road trip to get my mind off of things. And my shitty day got better. The girl who was always ready for an adventure is still inside you waiting to be let loose. You’re stronger than you think, Evie.”

  My arms tighten around Tina’s petite frame and I owe her more than an apology. I owe her an explanation. “I’m sorry. I’ve been selfish and preoccupied with my own problems. Sometimes I wish you would leave me alone so I wouldn’t feel so guilty for being such a horrible friend.”

  “You’re not!” Tina pulls away and scowls. It’s the type of reaction I would expect from her and the familiarity of my best friend, the girl who’s been like a sister to me since we were kids, is comforting.

  “Own the day. Don’t let another minute pass you by.”

  I’m not sure I can accept her advice. We sit there in silence as time trickles by, and we do what best friend and almost-sisters do best—we enjoy each other’s company.

  MY iPod has shuffled to Leona Lewis’s “Bleeding Love”. As I listen, I wonder if I’m crippling myself, if the self-doubt I harbor is like a festering wound that never heals.

  Adam’s family and friends think I’m shit. They want me to stay away. Though, if I’m honest, they’re not the problem. I’m scared of being found wanting, of getting so enamored I won’t survive if he abandons me.

  Tina has gone home to get ready. We’re spending the evening with my mother, and the idea of facing her makes me queasy, so I lie on my bed and listen to the song.

  I’m wearing a blood-red dress. The color suits my complexion, and though it’s the first time in the past few days I’ve taken interest in my appearance, I feel anything but pretty.

  I remove the platinum bracelets Adam gave me and focus on the scars I will forever wear. The truth is, with each passing day, new scars are being made, they just aren’t the type people can see.

  I think of him as I inspect the bracelets, of his sculpted lips and his gorgeous eyes. With my fingertips I trace the flowers etched on the edges of the platinum bangles. Light bounces off the bracelets, and I see they have an inscription on the inside rim. Adam never mentioned he had them inscribed.

  I pale at the words.

  Hide from the world…but never from me. —AB

  A few hours ago, Tina told me to stop running and confront him. Someone can show you the right path, but you’ll never follow it unless you see it for you
rself. Staring at the inscription, all I want for Christmas is to tell Adam I love him—that I’m full of imperfections but around him my flaws aren’t so stifling. I need to tell him he makes me want to be a better person. If I’m willing to take the risk of baring it all, then maybe, he’ll reciprocate.

  He’s in New York and what I have to say can’t be explained over the phone. I rub my head in frustration. After a few minutes of contemplation I decide to write my thoughts down, something I haven’t done since I was little. The words pour out of me in minutes, and somehow I manage to capture in words the emotions I’ve repressed.

  Dear Adam,

  You’re the last person in the world I want to hide from. I see you and my heart skips, because I know you can see through me.

  I’m scared I may never lay eyes on you again, that the warm sound of your laughter across my skin will soon be nothing more than a distant memory. More than anything, I’m scared your opinion of me has changed.

  Being in a bank hold-up was the best thing that ever happened to me, because I met you.

  I still wonder how you can blame me for bottling up my feelings, when you yourself are guilty of the same? How many secrets can a person truly confess in the span of a few weeks? How can two extremely different people make something destined to fail work?

  Maybe I did let my fears control my actions. Maybe I shouldn’t have walked away. However, the reality of being with you for only a month loomed always in the background. When you expect something to fail, you take steps to make sure it does.

  I refuse to apologize for my inability to tell you everything about my past, because your demand was always unreasonable. The only thing I am sorry about is that I never told you how much I cared. I never said the words, because every time I utter them to a man, they disappeared, but since you’re already gone, it doesn’t matter anymore.

  I love you.

  Evelyn

  I leave the house with only my keys and cellphone. The walk to Eden Beach only takes me a few minutes. The gentleman at the reception desk smiles; he’s seen me a few times with Adam. I offer him a quick lie about needing to go to the penthouse to get something.

  “They’re expecting me.” I smile and straighten my posture. Look like you belong.

  He nods and in less than a minute I’m riding up the elevator to Adam’s apartment. He mentioned he would be in New York until after Christmas, so I figure it will be easy enough to slip the letter under his door.

  When the elevator opens into the foyer I feel a twinge of apprehension. I move forward and crouch down by the door. It opens. With rounded eyes, I stare at Ms. Wright.

  It’s Christmas. Why is she working?

  “Evelyn?” she says with astonishment.

  “I’m sorry. I didn’t expect anyone to be here.” My cheeks burn. “I wanted to drop something off.”

  Ms. Wright looks at me with an expression I’m unable to gauge. She probably thinks I’m a lovesick girl pining over her boss. Is she wrong?

  “You must think I’m out of my mind.” I fiddle with the envelope. “I need to leave Adam a letter and I want to make sure he gets it.” I push through the embarrassment, and meet her gaze.

  For a long moment she looks at me—her expression pensive. She opens the door wide.

  “Come inside. He’s not home at the moment, but you can leave it in his study.”

  “Thank you.” I say hesitantly. The expression in her eyes makes me nervous, as if she knows something I don’t.

  Ms. Wright turns to leave, but before she can take a step she blurts out, “He’s been playing the piano. For years I’ve seen it sit there, untouched. I’ve dusted it off and seen it get older and older, its potential wasted.”

  The affection she holds for her employer is obvious as she speaks.

  “How long have you worked for him, Ms. Wright?”

  “Long enough to know when someone is good for him.” She purses her lips and looks uncomfortable as she continues. “It’s not my place to say anything. I don’t know what happened between you two, but I do know when you’re in his life he’s happier. You wouldn’t be here if you didn’t care. Don’t give up on him.”

  “Maybe he’s the one who’ll give up on me.”

  She gives me a small smile. “Well, that’s the risk we run when we care about someone, isn’t it?” Ms. Wright doesn’t wait for an answer, disappearing toward the kitchen.

  I make my way down the hall to the study, and the moment I enter, images of Adam flood my head. At least Ms. Wright didn’t suggest I leave the envelope in his room. The memories that would plague me there would make it hard for me to go. I place the letter on his desk and turn to leave.

  My mouth drops open when I see him standing in the doorway, dressed to impress, his dark locks pushed back and his eyes registering the same shock I’m no doubt exhibiting.

  I speak his name because it’s the only word I can manage. “Adam…”

  He frowns. It seems like the man who always knows what to say is speechless. His eyes never leave mine as he closes the door, and the action is intimidating.

  “What are you doing here?” I say with reproach as I take a step back.

  “I live here.” He tilts his head to the side as he regards me.

  I swear my IQ drops ten points when I’m around him. I feel awkward standing in front of this gorgeous man who leaves me unable to form sentences. Lucky for me, he breaks the silence.

  “Why are you here?” Adam asks softly.

  His striking blue eyes move down my form, and for a split second I wonder if he likes my dress.

  “Is there a problem? Are you all right?” A hint of concern is in his eyes.

  “I’m okay.” I pause for a moment to think. “I thought you were in New York. I wouldn’t have disturbed you if I knew you were home.” I hate that my voice shakes. “I have to go.” I take a step to the side and head to the door, but Adam moves to counter me. He stands before me like the most charming wall in the entire world.

  “Like hell you’re leaving now.”

  I pause and then burst into laughter. For the last few days I’ve been starved for his touch, for the sound of his voice, so even if he’s scolding me I can’t deny the comfort stirred by his emphatic statement.

  Adam arches a brow in surprise. “Is something amusing?”

  I give him a shy shrug. “Nothing, I should go.”

  “You came for a reason, Evelyn.”

  “How’s your sister doing?” I blurt out, because I want to avoid his question.

  “Recovering.” He sighs with exasperation. “Stop avoiding my question. Why are you here?”

  “I came to drop something off. I never expected you to be here.”

  “What did you want to drop off?”

  I bite my bottom lip and close my eyes in frustration, because drawing attention to my letter is embarrassing. When I finally focus on him, his expression is expectant. “Nothing important.”

  Adam grabs my hand and yanks me farther into the room as he strides to his desk. In seconds, his gaze falls on the envelope.

  “Sit.” He barks the command at me and pulls me to the chair at the head of the desk, his chair.

  “Hey, you don’t get to…”

  With one glance he silences me. I sink into the chair, my eyes never wavering from his.

  Adam grabs the envelope and looks at it for a long moment. He turns his attention to me. “What does it say?”

  “Read it,” I whisper. My heart is about to leap out of my chest. The idea of having my letter read in front of me is terrifying.

  Adam sits on the edge of his desk, and I see a hint of anger in his eyes. He tosses the letter on the desk and faces me.

  “It’s easy to leave a letter, because you can avoid a person’s reaction. It’s easy to be honest in print, and the last thing I want is for you to take the easy route. Why are you here? What do you want to say?”

  “My God, you’re such a hypocrite. You want to talk about easy? It’s easy to d
emand honestly and expect someone you barely know to pour her heart out at the snap of your fingers, especially when you have no intention of doing the same. How can anyone live up to that?”

  “So you wrote me a fucking letter to tell me that? To tell me how hypocritical I’ve been?”

  I’m slightly shocked by his fury. “No. I just wanted to be honest with you.”

  “Then tell me why you broke up with me that night. Tell me what the hell happened, because I was there, inches away from you as you fell apart before my eyes, and I still don’t have a fucking clue as to what triggered the breakdown. Does it have to do with the conversation you had with my sister? Did seeing her in that situation remind you too much about your own past? Help me understand.” He stares at me with uncompromising determination.

  “Yes…No…I don’t know.” I sigh. “You scare the hell out of me, and I don’t mean because you’re intimidating, though you are. You yelled at me for going off with Sarah and then almost immediately went off to give a speech. I was overwhelmed by everything. I didn’t feel like I belonged, like I was right for you. Then Sarah did what she did, and I was angry. I felt like everyone was judging her, like…” I shrug, unwilling to finish the sentence.

  “Like you feel you were judged after your suicide attempt?” Adam says softly.

  I nod, my gaze glued to the floor. He moves from the desk and then his strong fingers are gripping my chin, so he can tilt my head and force me to stare into the blue of his eyes.

  “I made the decision to keep seeing you after I found out your past because the idea of losing you over something that happened years ago was not an option. I don’t make decisions about the people in my life based on the opinions of others. You just gave up.”

  “You blamed me for your sister.” My voice raises an octave.

  “I did not blame you and I said as much.” He let’s go of my chin, to rub the side of his head.

  “Your eyes told a different story. You looked at me with doubt and disappointment.”

  Again he’s close. His hands are wrapped around the arms of the chair as he looms over me, the imposing nature of his proximity taking me by surprise and wiping-out all my thoughts.