September Girls
Page 26
It took me a while to figure out that this was the reason I was following you. I thought you could lead me to myself.
There were other reasons, anyway. Because you are handsome. Because you are kind, in a brittle and irritable sort of way. And of course, much as I would like to, I cannot discount the unfortunate specifics of our curse. It would be a lie to say that didn’t play a part.
But then, on the Fourth of July, we were sitting on the shore after the party, and we were peaceful and happy.
I could have done it then. I could have broken the curse right there. It was the moment all of us pursued. Me, Kristle, the Donnas and Brendas and Kellys and L’Oréals who have gone before me, and the ones who will follow me, summer after summer, spit naked from the waves.
I didn’t do it. Instead, I asked you, “Why me? What’s the difference between us?” I knew I sounded stupid and weak and I didn’t like it, but I asked because I actually wanted to know the answer. I’m actually smart enough to know when to keep my mouth shut, but I’m also smart enough to ignore my own judgment a lot of the time.
And you said, “DeeDee, you make things too fuckin’ complicated.”
And I said, “Well make it simple for me please; I’m not from around here.”
And you said, “I can’t just lay it out there. It doesn’t work like that.”
And I said, “Yeah, see?”
You said nothing. I didn’t say anything either. But I think we both understood.
I wanted to ask you the same question but different: Why do you love me? Who am I to be loved? But I didn’t ask, because then I understood that I should have the patience to let you reveal your reasons.
We are not patient. But maybe I am?
So I waited, and it happened. Slowly. The way you put your hand on my shoulder. The way you smiled at me when I was talking, the way I’d tell a joke and not even realize it was a joke until you were laughing. The way you kissed me, the way I saw you ambling toward me down the beach, still in the distance. In your small movements and gestures, something happened: the girl you thought I was began to acquire form—the way we construct our physical bodies from waves and foam when we arrive here—and she was beautiful in a way that had nothing to do with what I’d thought of as beauty. She was beautiful in a way that had nothing to do with our knife: she was odd and clever and angry and talkative and bold and full of opinions, kind but maybe a little irritable. She was a bit like you.
And I saw that she was me, sort of. I was her. I am those things that she is. It’s unclear to me whether I am those things because you could see something that no one else could—something I couldn’t see before I met you—or if I am those things because you made it true by seeing it.
It doesn’t matter anyway. Either way, it would not be enough. I am no longer just “one,” and I am more than the many to which I no longer belong. I am more than some accumulation of difference. I know this now.
I mean, I may not know who I am. But I know a few things. And although I love you (in a way), I know that I am more than who you think I am. This is not your fault. I loved you. I love you.
All of this is to tell you that I am keeping the sock. It’s mine now, and I will keep it close to me until I no longer need it, along with the other items in my jewelry box. I will take it with me to a home I’ll find for myself in a place I can’t yet imagine. I’m not going to hide it this time. I will keep it not just to remember you—although it’s important to me to remember you—but to remember the girl that I am now.
Because soon I will be different; soon I will be in my car, alone for the first time and driving away from here, heading toward a destination that I’m certain will be familiar upon my arrival.
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Table of Contents
Disclaimer
Half Title
Also by Bennett Madison
Title Page
Copyright
Dedication
ONE
HOME
TWO
FIRST
THREE
YOU
FOUR
NAME
FIVE
MAGIC
SIX
THE KNIFE
SEVEN
EIGHT
NINE
OCEAN
TEN
ELEVEN
MOTHER
TWELVE
THIRTEEN
FOURTEEN
LOVE
FIFTEEN
SIXTEEN
FREEDOM
SEVENTEEN
EIGHTEEN
LOSING
NINETEEN
BECOMING
TWENTY
LEGEND
TWENTY-ONE
TWENTY-TWO
STORM
TWENTY-THREE
GIRLS
TWENTY-FOUR
SEPTEMBER GIRLS
TWENTY-FIVE
WANT
TWENTY-SIX
RAPTURE
TWENTY-SEVEN
TWENTY-EIGHT
TWENTY-NINE
WHAT HAPPENED TO THE SOCK
About the Publisher