by Linda Warren
“No matter what Mrs. Carstairs said, we should have gotten it right, Paige. I should’ve asked you to marry me and we should have raised Zane together no matter what kind of future was in store for you. That was our obligation as parents and we failed him.”
She licked her suddenly dry lips. “Why did you never ask me?”
“I should have. I’m not sure why I never did. But I think I didn’t want you to feel trapped like you were with your mother. I wanted you to be free and I thought I could give our son to a loving family and walk away. I couldn’t.”
“My honorable Jude.” She slipped onto his lap and wrapped her arms around his neck and held on for dear life. “I’m sorry I screwed up.”
He kissed her cheek and the world stood still as she felt his skin against hers once again. “We have to stop placing blame. It’s over, Paige, and we’ll never get those feelings back again.”
A pain shot through her as she realized everything she’d lost. Her throat clogged with words and she just kept holding him as if somehow she could instill his warmth into her cold body. But, as he said, their time was over. The sadness of it all still lingered, though.
She slid off his lap with as much dignity as she could manage. “Could you please let me know if Zane changes his mind?”
Jude reached for his hat and got to his feet. “Right now his mind is on the race on Saturday. After that, I’ll talk to him again. I’m not promising anything, though.”
“I know this is asking a lot, but do you have any pictures that I could look at just to see him as he was growing up?”
He put his hat on his head with a familiar gesture she remembered well, with swagger and bold masculinity. “Yeah, I’ve taken a bunch over the years. I’ll drop them by for you.”
“Thank you.”
He nodded and walked toward the door and soon she heard him drive away. Polite strangers, that was who they were now. That was more than she’d hoped for.
“Paige.”
She swung around to see Staci standing behind her.
“How did it go?”
She swallowed the constriction in her throat. “Zane doesn’t want to see me.”
“Oh, kiddo, I’m sorry.” Staci hugged her and it was a comfort she needed. How could she have stayed away from her sister and brother for so long?
“It’s okay. I’m going to keep waiting until I see his face.” It was really all she could do now.
“Was…uh…Jude still angry?”
Paige tucked her hair behind her ear. “No. We actually had a nice conversation. Just seeing him brings back so many wonderful times and so many bad ones. It’s like I’m balancing on a seesaw. One minute I’m up and the next I’m down. But if I’ve learned anything in the past thirteen years, it’s that we are shaped by the decisions we make. They either make us stronger or we sink into a deep hole of despair. I’ve been there and I’m not going back. I’m going to fight to see my son and I’m going to continue fighting until Jude forgives me.”
“He was there, too, Paige. You’re shouldering all the blame and that’s not fair.”
She slung an arm across Staci’s shoulder. “Let’s go slick some paint on the wall and turn up the music so we can block out the world.” And my thoughts. That was what Paige wanted—to not think anymore, to just work until she was tired. Maybe tomorrow or the next day or the next, Jude would come to say that their son wanted to see her. That was what she waited for now. The day her decision would come full circle and she would have to explain to a little boy what an eighteen-year-old girl was thinking at that time. And she prayed she could do it without breaking down.
Chapter Nine
Jude perched on the pipe fence and watched Zane race Bear to the cattle guard, around his mom’s house and then all the way to Grandpa’s and back to Quincy’s barn. As he was watching, he thought of Paige. Over the years he’d managed to push her to the never-never part of his brain, but now she was in present-time reality. And he couldn’t deny some of those old feelings were still there. They’d shared a lot and he didn’t expect those emotions to just disappear.
Tomorrow he’d try to get some pictures to her. Maybe they would ease her pain. But he would go slow and make sure his heart wasn’t involved this time. Once was enough for him.
Zane stopped Bear in front of him. “What do you think, Dad?” His voice was breathless with excitement and his eyes sparkled.
Jude jumped off the fence and rubbed Bear’s face. “Very good. How’s the saddle working?” Jude had made him a lighter saddle to get rid of some weight.
“Great. I can lean forward on Bear’s neck and cut through the wind—” Zane demonstrated, angling his body close to Bear’s neck “—like a jockey.”
“Bear is sweaty. It’s time to rub him down and feed him.”
Zane slid from the saddle. “Okay. And, Dad, the protein feed you bought is really working. Bear has a lot more stamina.”
Quincy and Jenny were working on the house, so they had the barn to themselves. Zane took care of his horse like an adult. He’d learned to do that early. When he was about three, he’d stand on a bale of hay to brush his horse Venus, otherwise known as Venie. As he grew, he’d wanted a faster horse. His boy loved fast horses.
After removing the saddle, Zane used a hose to cool down Bear. Then he rubbed him with a sponge and a brush. His son was not afraid of work. He’d learned that from Jude. Once the horse was fed and safely in his stall, they headed for the house and supper. Not once did Zane mention his mother. He’d give him another couple of days before bringing Paige up again.
The next morning over breakfast Zane was his usual happy self, talking about the race to his grandmother, Falcon and Quincy. Grandpa and Elias came in and Zane started all over again. Nowhere in his bubbly son was there a sign of sadness, but Jude knew it lurked just below the surface.
A car honked and Zane grabbed his backpack. “Gotta go. Aunt Rachel’s here.” He usually ran out the door hollering, “Bye, Dad.” But today he ran to Jude and hugged him before dashing out. At twelve, Zane had stopped doing the hugging thing except at bedtime. He was a boy and it was embarrassing, Zane had said when he was about eleven.
Jude’s brothers and his mom looked at him, but he had nothing to say. He wasn’t asking for advice, either. Zane was his son and he would handle the problem. He took his plate and cup to the sink and headed for the back door.
On his way to the office, so many thoughts fought for dominance in his mind. The fact that Zane had hugged him showed that his son was feeling insecure and needed to be close to Jude. And Jude would be there for him every step of the way. Even if it meant standing between him and his mother.
At the office, Falcon talked about what needed to be done that day. After the rain, they had to wait to get a cutting on the coastal in the south pasture. They had hundreds of acres of coastal that would feed their cattle during the winter months. They sold hay, too. Hay baling would continue during the summer and into September. It was dirty, sweaty work, but their hay was always in high demand.
The brothers saddled up for the day to check the cattle. Jude and Elias went south, while Egan and Quincy rode north. Phoenix and Paxton took the east pastures. Falcon and Jericho went west. The ranch had hundreds of heads of cattle that needed attention on a daily basis.
Jude noted a lot of new baby calves on the ground. Springtime was a time of birth and during roundup they spent days tagging and branding the new ones. A heifer darted out of the bushes and two coyotes were fast on her heels.
Jude turned his horse in that direction and rode at a quick pace to distract the coyotes. Once the coyotes saw Jude, they sprinted away into the woods. The heifer kept running, frightened. Jude finally saw the cause of the coyotes’ interest. A water sac was bulging out of the rear of the heifer. Then he saw two feet. She was having a problem giving birth.
“Elias,” he hollered, and drew his rope looped across the saddle horn. He kept pace with the heifer and threw his rope when he was cl
ose enough. It landed perfectly over her head and Jude yanked the rope as his horse backed up, holding her tight. Jude dismounted and eased toward the heifer.
“Calm down. No one’s going to hurt you. Calm down. That’s it.” The heifer was breathing heavily and didn’t have much strength left. He reached her and stroked her head, talking soothingly. That was when he noticed the heifer’s stomach cramping. He’d thought the calf was dead and they would have to pull it. But she was still in labor. The coyotes had interrupted her.
“Easy. Easy.” He removed the rope, knowing the heifer didn’t have any energy left for flight.
Elias rode up. “We’ll have to pull it.”
“No. She’s still in labor. Coyotes thought she was an easy defenseless target. I have to get her to lie down.”
Elias dismounted. “Good luck with that.”
But Mother Nature gave him a hand. The heavy cramps brought the heifer to her knees and she sank to the grass. Jude knelt by her, continuing to speak in soothing tones.
Elias inspected the calf. “This is a done deal. That calf is dead and we have to pull it.”
“Just give her a few minutes to calm down. She’s still cramping.”
“Jude, we have other things to do besides watch this heifer all morning.”
Jude raised his head and looked at his impatient brother. “This calf is alive, I’m telling you. Are you gonna help me or are you gonna complain?”
Elias knelt in the grass. “You and Quincy got a double dose of sensitivity.”
“Shut up. Your loud voice is disturbing her.”
“Well, pardon me.”
Jude gave him another look and Elias fell silent.
He could see the calf’s feet, still in the same position. All the while, he kept rubbing the heifer and talking softly. “Easy. Easy. Just stay calm. Come on, a couple more pushes.” But there was no movement.
“The calf is dead,” Elias said again.
“She might need a little help.” Jude got to his feet. “Come over here and rub along her back.”
“You’ve got to be kidding. I only rub two-legged females.”
“You’re an ass.” Jude bent down, his boots firmly planted on the ground, reached for the calf’s front feet and gently tugged. A nose appeared.
In the meantime, Elias changed his mind and was rubbing the cow, trying to be supportive, which was almost comical. “Okay, this is it. Push.”
Almost on cue, the heifer pushed and the calf came out in a big swoosh of water, mucus and blood. Most of it on Jude’s boots. He stepped back and watched the wet matted form and waited for it to move. Please move.
Elias looked over. “It’s dead. I told you.”
Jude crouched down and used his gloved fingers to clean mucus out of the calf’s nose. After a moment, the calf let out a soft gurgle and Jude glanced at his brother. “Told you.”
“Hot damn. That calf is alive.”
Jude moved away from the calf and heifer, as did Elias, and let Mother Nature do her thing. The heifer stumbled to her feet and turned around and started to sniff and lick her baby. After a few minutes, the calf raised its wobbly head and staggered to its feet. Immediately, he started to look for nourishment, nudging his mother’s stomach over and over until he found the teats.
Jude and Elias mounted their horses. “After she passes the afterbirth, we have to get them back to the herd,” Jude said. “They’re too vulnerable out here alone.”
“Anything you say,” Elias replied with a mock grin.
Jude ignored him, which was the best way to deal with Elias.
Late that afternoon, when he rode back to the barn, he thought about birth and how important it was for the baby to get that first nourishment from his mother and to make a special connection. It cut Jude deeply that his son had missed making immediate contact with the two people who had created him and would continue to love and support him. Every day Jude tried to make up for that.
*
LUKE FINISHED PAINTING the outside of the house in record time and was ready to head back to Louisiana. Paige hugged him goodbye and held on tight because she knew it would be a long time before she would see her brother again.
“I’ll call every time I get a chance,” he said. “I hope everything works out for you, sis.”
Paige didn’t know how anything was going to go, but she knew she was going to miss her brother. “Take care of yourself and stay safe.”
He kissed his sisters and walked out the door. They stood for a moment trying not to consider that it might be the last time they would see him. There were no guarantees in war.
She and Staci painted away with the music blaring, both trying not to think. Staci’s cell rang and she grabbed it.
“I have to go into work tomorrow. We have a big wedding reception over the weekend and two people have called in sick, so I have to go play catch-up.”
“That’s okay.” Paige put down her brush. “I really need to stay here. Do you think you could drop me in Temple so I can rent a car? That way you don’t have to worry about picking me up.”
Staci nodded. “I figured you’re going to roost here until you see him.”
Paige picked up a rag to clean her hands. “That’s about it.” She wasn’t leaving Horseshoe until that moment happened.
An hour later she had a nice little car to drive. On a whim, she stopped at a paint store and bought more paint. Staci had bought enough for only the living room and Paige really wasn’t liking the wheat color. She wanted fresh, inviting colors. If she was going to paint the house, she wanted it to look nice, instead of drab and plain.
She picked out a soft yellow for the kitchen, a silky green for her mother’s bedroom and a nutmeg for Luke’s. She was still undecided about her and Staci’s room, but then she found a fresh peach color. It was late when she returned to the house to unload all her purchases. The doorbell rang as she finished carrying everything inside.
Stumbling over paint cans, she sprinted to the door. Jude stood there with a box in his arms and she took a breath to still her racing heart.
“Did Zane change his mind?”
He held up the box. “No, but I brought some photos for you.”
She grabbed the box and carried it inside to the living room and sat on the floor. Her fingers trembled as she removed the lid. Jude slid down beside her and she thought nothing could be more perfect than looking at the photos with him.
There were two albums, plus loose photos.
“I put some in albums but got very lazy about that since a lot of photos are on my phone.” Jude reached in and pulled out an album and opened it.
Her breath caught as she saw Jude holding a small baby wrapped in a blue blanket. “When did you know we had a boy?” She just had to ask.
“The moment they brought him to me in that blanket.”
There were so many beautiful photos of a little boy growing up without a mother that it tore at Paige’s heart, but she kept looking, as if by osmosis she could soak up some of that love she should have shared.
“He looks so much like you,” she said, touching a photo. “His hair even curls a little.”
“Yeah. He inherited a lot of things from me, but there’s a lot of you in him, too.”
“Like what?”
“Like his intelligence, his curiosity and his need to know more and more about things and the way everything works. Science and the universe intrigue him and he spends hours reading about the planets and stars and everything that makes up this universe. He knows more about the earth than I ever did. He completely blows my mind. That, he gets from you. He’s never made a B and he plans to never break that record. I know someone else who used to be like that.”
Paige sat cross-legged with the photos in her lap, remembering how important it had been to make all As. Without a 4.0 grade point average, she wouldn’t get the scholarship she wanted. That had been the most important thing in the world to her. But looking back, she missed what was really important—all these
photos in her lap of a little boy who needed her. Photos without her in them.
Jude scooted back and leaned against the wall, his long legs outstretched in front of him. “This morning I had to help a heifer have a calf and I thought about Zane’s birth. As soon as the calf was on the ground, the heifer stood and sniffed and licked her baby, to let it know she was there to love and to protect it. We weren’t there for Zane. We failed him.”
A sob rose in her throat and she tried to suppress it but it escaped of its own volition. “You didn’t. I…did.” Suddenly the photos felt heavy and accusing in her lap.
“I never had the chance to ask, but was it an easy birth?”
Paige pushed down all the guilty feelings, wanting to answer his question. “After they gave me the medication to induce labor, it wasn’t long before the cramps started, but they gave me an epidural and it eased considerably. I heard the baby cry and I put my hands over my ears. I didn’t understand then why I did that. It was a defense mechanism. I was trying to protect myself. But I’ve heard that cry for over twelve years and it has haunted me and it has sustained me at times.”
“You were so upset afterward I didn’t know what to say to you.”
“There was nothing you could say. No words, not even from you, could erase the pain that I endured that day.” She swallowed a lump that felt like hard clay. “When you took me back to the house to get my things, my mother was in full vitriolic mode. She yelled and screamed as I grabbed my suitcases to leave. She said I would come back with my tail tucked between my legs because I wouldn’t last two months in a big-city college. I was a dumb country girl and too stupid to know it. And she wasn’t letting me back in the house when that happened. I’d have to find another place to live because she was done raising stupid, ignorant children. That was probably the main reason I never came back. Without my child, there was nothing here for me.”
Jude tensed and raised his knees and rested his forearms on them. “How could two teenagers get love so wrong?”