by Linda Warren
She lifted her eyes to his. “You’re the only reason I made it through high school. Luke was in the army and Staci was already living in Austin. After that, home life turned into a nightmare.”
Awkwardness crept into the silence and Paige began to put the photos back into the box.
“Are you seeing someone in California?”
A distressed sound left her throat. “I’ve spent all my time working, going to school, studying and trying to survive. I haven’t had time for anything else.”
“That’s not much of a life.”
She carefully placed the lid on the box. “Are you involved with anyone?”
“I’ve been seeing one of Zane’s teachers. She’s very good with him and I like her a lot.”
She bit her lip, trying to find words that would not make her look like a jealous fool. “Does Zane like her, too?”
He didn’t answer her. Instead, he said, “Paige, I’m trying to figure out what’s the best thing to do here for Zane. If he continues to refuse to see you, I’m not going to force him.”
She wanted to say she understood, but she didn’t and her rights as a mother had ended long ago. But she wasn’t giving up. Nothing would make her do that now.
“What do you want me to do, Jude?”
His eyes met hers like a dark wall of solid steel that nothing could penetrate. “I want you to leave and never come back.”
Chapter Ten
Jude’s cruel words pierced the protective barrier she’d built around her heart. All the pain, misery, loneliness and suffering she’d manage to overcome blindsided her, and a renewed pain burned deep inside her. She wanted to cry out from the agony. Her throat closed up and air left her lungs. She didn’t need to breathe. She didn’t need anything anymore.
Somewhere in that realm of self-pity, the courage that kept her going for so many years resurfaced, saving her.
A barely audible “I can’t” came out.
“I know,” was his equally quiet response. His dark eyes held hers captive and she was mesmerized by the heartache and something else she remembered well. “And then there’s this.” He reached out and ran his hand around her neck, caressing her sensitive nape, and gentle waves of comfort flowed through her. It had been so long.
He pulled her forward, his mouth opening over hers. She moaned and wrapped her arms around him, getting as close as possible to return his heated kiss. The box of photos tumbled to the floor and neither noticed.
He kissed her as if he was starving for her taste, her touch, the feel of her. She was the same, needing to renew every inch of his muscled, firm body. Their lips and tongues did the talking and they couldn’t get enough of the delicious sensation of each other. Locked tight in his arms, his lips on hers, she thought if she died like this, she would be a happy woman. Soon they had to breathe and Jude drew back slightly, resting his forehead on hers, and she breathed in the scent of him: leather, fresh country air and desire so thick they both recognized it.
“I don’t want to hurt Zane and I don’t want to hurt you, either.” His words were soothing, like a familiar touch in the dark.
“I can’t leave.” She kissed the spot under his chin and the heat of his skin was a tangible thing that ignited her senses all over again.
“He’s already hurting and ignoring his true feelings and I don’t know how to help him.”
“Just be there for him, but please don’t ask me not to see him. Don’t punish me. I’ve paid enough.”
Jude got to his feet so quickly she couldn’t stop him. Without a backward glance he walked to the door and soon she heard his truck leaving the driveway.
Feeling stunned and overwhelmed, she took a moment to collect her thoughts, trying to figure out what had just happened. He’d kissed her like a man, not a callow youth, but all those emotions were as vibrant as ever and she felt them all the way to her soul. He had to have felt them, too.
The photos were strewn around her. He’d forgotten them. That meant he would have to come back one more time. She gathered the photos like bits and pieces of a giant puzzle, except there was one important piece missing—her.
She touched her aching lips, feeling all his energy once again. How had she survived all these years without him in her life?
Hey, Jude. I still love you.
*
JUDE DROVE TO the ranch, tired and lonely and looking for answers. He’d been cruel once again to Paige when he hadn’t meant to be. Then he’d done what he had wanted to do since the first moment he saw her again at the cemetery—he’d kissed her as if there was no tomorrow. For them there might not be.
Going into the house, he shut off his mind. He was good at that, but today it seemed to hurt a little more than usual. His mom was in the den reading the latest livestock report. She was always up-to-date on the price of cattle.
“Is Zane in his room?”
“Yes. You told him to do his homework and I suppose that’s what he’s doing. He came down for ice cream about thirty minutes ago and went back up.”
“Thanks, Mom.” He took the stairs two at a time and found Zane in his room, looking at shirts.
“What do you think, Dad?” Zane held up a white shirt and a red one.
“For school?”
“No, Dad.” His son had the nerve to sigh with irritation. “For the race.”
“Either will be fine.”
“I think the white one. You can see me better in white.”
“Okay.”
Zane handed it to him. “You have to take it to the cleaners.”
“Zane.” This time Jude sighed in frustration. “This is Thursday and the race is on Saturday. You should have told me this earlier.”
“Mr. Grumby does one-day service.”
“But I have a lot of work to do and not a lot of time to run into town and take one shirt and then pick it up.”
“Oh. I can ask Aunt Rachel.”
“No. I’ll figure something out.” Zane was his kid and he always took care of his kid. “Have you finished your homework?”
“Does a duck have feathers?”
“You’ve been talking to Grandpa?”
“Yeah. He knows a lot of stuff. He and Uncle Elias were here earlier and Elias told us how you saved a baby calf today. He said you have more patience than an old maid.”
Just what he needed, his son getting barroom quotes from Elias. He stretched his shoulders, realizing how tight his muscles were. He had to loosen up. His time with Paige had him tied up in knots and he needed to do something.
“Time for bed. You have school tomorrow.”
“Aw, Dad.”
Jude placed his hands on his hips. Zane knew that was a sign his dad wasn’t going to give in. He jumped into his bed in his underwear and a T-shirt. That was all he ever slept in. Jude had bought him pajamas because he’d wanted to make sure his kid had all the right things in life. One itty-bitty thing that didn’t amount to a hill of beans, as his grandpa would say. Sometimes all a kid needed was love. That was the magic formula.
“Can I stay on my laptop for a few minutes?”
“No, because I know how that goes. Once you get on there, I can’t get you off. No to YouTube. No to Instagram. Yes to sleep.”
“I wanted to post some pictures of Bear, the fastest horse in the West.”
A smile threatened Jude’s lips. “You can do that tomorrow.”
Zane snuggled beneath his Star Wars sheets. “Night, Dad.”
He leaned over and kissed his son’s forehead. “Night, son.”
Suddenly, Zane’s arms reached out and hugged Jude tightly around the neck. Jude’s stomach cramped at the desperation in those little arms. “Love you, son. Don’t ever forget that.”
“Love you, too, Dad, and I never forget it.”
There was a message in there about his mother, but tonight was not the time to bring it up. That time would be later, when both of them were stronger.
Jude made his way into his bedroom with years of regret
pulling him down into that maze of discontent. He sat on his bed, not bothering to turn on the light. Lying back on the comforter, he closed his eyes and all he could feel was Paige’s lips on his, her soft curves pressing into him. All he wanted was to love her the way he had long ago…but that had only brought them misery.
How did they undo all the mistakes? There was no clear answer, just as it had been years ago. Paige’s life didn’t run parallel with his. She had a career now and he felt deep in his gut there was no room for him or Zane. That was what he couldn’t shake.
He knew she regretted her decision about Zane, but where did they go from here?
*
THE NEXT MORNING Paige was up early and so was Staci. The box from Ms. Whitman had arrived and Paige took it with her to Horseshoe. She was there by eight o’clock. She left it in the car because she wanted it with her if she saw Zane. The box was for him.
With a red kerchief tied around her hair and in jeans and a T-shirt, she started painting the kitchen. The barely yellow color made the room so much fresher and she loved it. She was almost finished when she heard a truck outside. She wiped her hands and ran to the front door.
Jude stood on the doorstep in worn jeans and an equally worn chambray shirt. His hat and boots had also seen better days. He was dressed for work on the ranch. “I forgot the photos last night.”
He looked nervous and tense and she was sure the same emotions showed on her face. “They’re in the kitchen. I hope you don’t mind, but I had some copies made.”
“No,” he replied as he followed her.
“This looks nice,” he said, staring at the new paint.
“Yeah. Wouldn’t it be great if we could just paint over all our problems so they would stay hidden for the rest of our lives?”
“Life doesn’t work that way.”
“I know.” She handed him the box. “I wonder how my life would have been if my mother had baked cookies and attended PTO meetings and the only vice she had was putting a little Crown Royal in her Coke.”
“That’s daydreaming.”
“Yeah.” She ran her hands down her faded jeans and realized she was making a fool of herself. “Thanks for letting me see the photos. It meant a lot. Do you think Zane is ever going to agree to see me?”
“The race is tomorrow. That’s his focus. The thought of you is there, but he’s not facing it right now. He will, though. I know my son. He’s loving, caring and full of life and he won’t avoid the issue of his mother for long.”
Jude’s words gave her hope.
He carefully placed the box on the table. “I just have to wonder, though, how long you plan on staying in Horseshoe and how he will fit into your life in California.”
The hope died with a whimper. “I haven’t figured it all out yet. For now I just want to see and hold my son and then I will make decisions for the future. Just don’t ask me to leave again.”
They stared at each other and the years and the mistakes were clearly pinpointed in their eyes. There was no way to go back. No way to keep daydreaming. No way to go forward but to accept those mistakes as human and move on. And to make sure one little boy wasn’t hurt any more than he already was.
As if the topic was getting tedious, Jude quickly changed the subject. “You never said what kind of doctor you are.”
“OB-GYN and my specialty is maternal fetal medicine.”
“That means you deliver babies?” His face crinkled into an I-can’t-believe-this expression.
“Yes. I deliver babies and treat the mothers afterward. It has been the most rewarding experience of my life. With each birth, I feel a renewal of my tattered spirit and when we lose one, I grieve just as I did the day I walked away from mine.” She took a long breath. “I’m doing my residency with Dr. Gwyneth Spencer in her medical clinic and she’s an amazing teacher and doctor and I have learned so much from her.”
“Why did you pick obstetrics?” His face still held the same expression, but it had softened.
“I guess my own experience caused me to have a keen interest in the field and my professors said I had a knack for it. Dr. Spencer said the same thing. She also runs a clinic for pregnant teenage girls and I wished I had had something like that years ago.”
“What do you mean?”
“The girls that come there are not judged and they get counseling to help make the right decisions for them and their families. Dr. Spencer has a rule, though. The mother has to hold her baby and say goodbye before she gives it away. She says it’s a telling moment. If a young girl can do that without breaking down, then she knows the girl is making the right decision.”
His expression softened even more. “Do you think if you had held Zane, you would’ve changed your mind?”
She eased into a kitchen chair, needing something to hold her up. “I’m almost positive. That’s why Mrs. Carstairs didn’t want me to see the baby. She knew.” She bit her lip, trying to control her anger. “I just needed someone there to talk to and the girls at the clinic get that from Dr. Spencer and her staff.”
“I was there. Why couldn’t you talk to me?”
She looked into his eyes, loving the way they crinkled in the corners and loving that everything about Jude was solid and true. Except for one thing: his quietness. “Jude, I don’t want to hurt your feelings, but, really, you were more closed up than I was. We didn’t do a lot of talking or consoling. If I was upset or if we argued, you’d kiss me and then we’d have sex. That was our problem solver and our big problem.”
He removed his hat and swiped his hand through his hair. “Yeah.”
“Recently we had a fifteen-year-old who gave birth to a little girl. She had already agreed to give it up and her mother was there to support her. The father wasn’t in the picture. A couple in their thirties who had been unable to conceive were waiting for the baby. I was with the girl in the room when she held the baby and kissed it goodbye. Some of the things she said to the baby resonated with me.”
“Like what?”
“She said she wanted the baby to grow up with two parents who would love her and they would live in a nice house with a big backyard and she would have everything she wanted. She didn’t want the baby to live on welfare like she had. She added the baby would grow up to be a princess because that’s what she deserved.”
Paige cleared her throat. “I wanted our baby to grow up with the best of everything, too, and I knew that best was not with me in my home environment. By being strong, I felt I was giving him the best. I was so wrong.”
“Did you tell the girl that?”
“No. She’d made her decision and she was comfortable with it, but there were lingering doubts, as I’m sure there are with every mother who gives a baby away. When the nurse took the baby, the girl started to cry and she asked if I would hold her. I did. She said she was so cold she was frozen inside. When she said that, I realized I had the same emotions the day I gave birth to Zane. I was frozen inside and I am still. I will never feel any warmth until I’m able to hold my son.”
Silence crept over them and Paige grew weary of talking so much about her feelings. Did Jude even understand?
He swallowed visibly. “I’ll talk to Zane after the race.”
That was more than she had ever hoped for.
Chapter Eleven
Paige painted until midafternoon. She finished the kitchen, the living room and her bedroom. Everything was so fresh and she loved the colors. Her stomach growled and she realized she hadn’t eaten anything all day. The morning had been emotional, but music had blocked her thoughts, and physical activity was what she’d needed.
After washing the paint roller, she got in her car and drove to a Dairy Queen and ordered a hamburger, something she would tell her patients to never eat. A healthy diet was the best. But today she felt like being naughty. She ate in the car, not wanting to visit with anyone. Not that anyone would recognize her, but she still wanted privacy.
As she ate, she considered the long drive to Au
stin every day. Since the house was looking so much better, she thought she might stay there if she had a bed. Downtown had several antiques stores and she drove there. Looking around, she found an old iron bed that she loved. Mr. Jenkins still owned the store and at first he didn’t recognize her. After she asked him several questions, his eyes narrowed on her face.
“You’re Darlene Wheeler’s daughter.”
She pushed the strap of her purse farther up her shoulder in a nervous gesture and she hated she couldn’t control that. “Yes. I’m Paige.”
He bobbed his bald head. “It’s nice you’ve come home. I guess you got a fancy education.”
“Yes, sir. I did.”
“That’s really good.” And Paige read the rest of that sentence as considering who your mother was. She didn’t say anything, because she didn’t need to. She knew how the town felt about her mother and there was no way to get around that.
After a few minutes of talking back and forth, she bought the bed and asked about mattresses. He said he had some in the back in case people needed them. To get there she had to go through a maze of tables, furniture, bric-a-brac and everything known to man, even a toilet. Who would buy a toilet in an antiques store?
In the far back he had two sets of mattresses wrapped in plastic. “A fella passed through here and wanted to know if I was interested in mattresses. I bought four and I still have two.” He pointed. “Your choice.”
She bought one to fit the iron bed and Mr. Jenkins said he could deliver it out in the late afternoon. After that, she drove to Temple and bought towels, sheets, a microwave and a coffeepot. She also bought a few groceries. Then she called Staci.
“You’re not serious.”
“I want to be in Horseshoe if Zane decides to see me. The house is looking really nice. The new colors made a world of difference.”
“Kiddo, don’t get your hopes up. I’m afraid you’re going to get hurt again.”
“I have to see this through, even if it takes forever.”
There was silence on the other end for a moment. “When will I see you?”
“Tonight. I have to get my things. And don’t be all sad sack. You work all the time and I would just be sitting in your apartment.”