Butterfly Secrets

by G. L. Blackhouse

  Jackson stepped out on the porch, sat next to me, pushed back my hair and kissed my neck, sending shivers down my spine. My eyes teared up.

  “Em, did I do something wrong?” Jackson asked with a frown.

  “No. Believe me, you did everything right,” I said softly.

  “But you are out here all by yourself. I didn’t even know you were up,” he said.

  “I’m just thinking about Mama. The services are today,” I said, choking up.

  Jackson pulled me close to him, and I was unable to stop the tears. They poured down my face.

  Jackson ran his fingers through my hair and kissed my head tenderly.

  “I’m so sorry,” he said as he continued to hold me tightly.

  “I didn’t think it would bother me this bad. Why do I feel like I am the one being buried?” I asked, sobbing.

  “Because every girl wants her mama, no matter what,” he said.

  “I wasn’t around. I was gone. If I had stayed, maybe I could have saved her. Why can’t I save those I love?” I’m no good for you, Jackson. You should run. I lose everyone I care about,” I said with tears running down my cheeks.

  “I’m not going anywhere,” he said, hugging me tighter.

  “There are tons of women in this town without the drama I have or the danger,” I said, feeling particularly hard on myself.

  “I could care less about being with any of them. I only want you, Em. It’s always been that way,” he said, kissing my head again.

  “Why, Jackson? Why did she have to die?” I said sobbing.

  “Don’t you blame yourself, Em... ever. She loved you. You tried to get her to leave Roy and even tried to get her to come back, but she wouldn’t listen. You did all you could,” Jackson said as he rubbed my shoulders.

  “I know. I just feel so bad. They’re all gone. Jordy, Mama, Daddy, Grandma. They’re gone,” I said, trying to catch my breath as I spoke.

  “I know, and I’m sorry, but I promise you I will be here for you as long as you’ll have me, Em. I love you,” he said.

  “I love you too, Jackson,” I said as I slowly started to get up from the swing and head inside to get ready for the funeral.

  He nodded and kissed me gently on the cheek.

  I made my way upstairs and took a shower. I decided on a black dress with a simple strand of pearls. The pearls had been Mama’s. Aunt Georgia had left them in an old jewelry box for me. The pearls were the only thing I had left of Mama. The pearls were delicate, like Mama. I once read a story about an oyster and all that the oyster underwent just to produce a single pearl. I thought of the oyster’s fight. I thought of all Mama had been through and her fight. Tears streamed down my face. I pulled my hair up off my shoulders and put on the necklace.

  Jackson walked in, wearing a black suit, charcoal gray button-up, black tie, and black shoes.

  “You okay?” Jackson asked as he stepped behind me and wrapped me in his arms tightly.

  I nodded.

  “You look beautiful. She would be so proud of you, Em,” he said.

  I nodded in agreement.

  “Guess we had better be going. Don’t want to be late,” I said, not wanting to talk about her any longer for fear I would start crying again and that once I did, I would never stop.

  Jackson and I arrived at the funeral home. Aunt Georgia was already there, crying over the casket even though the casket was closed. A picture of Mama sat by the casket. In the picture, Mama appeared to be about 18. Her golden blonde hair lay perfectly on her shoulders. Her porcelain skin seemed to shine like a northern star. Her eyes were the same pale blue as mine and Grandma May’s. Mama was stunning.

  “She’s beautiful,” I said unaccustomed to seeing Mama sober.

  Aunt Georgia put one arm around me and pulled me close.

  “She wasn’t always hooked on pills. There was a time when she was smart and funny and had so much to offer,” Aunt Georgia said sadly, breaking into tears.

  I had never heard Aunt Georgia cry like that. I thought of how hard it must have been for Aunt Georgia, losing her only sister. I recalled how it felt, as though my heart had been ripped into the day I lost Jordy.

  I was met by Cousin Julie and her husband, Randy, who both gave me a tight hug.

  “I’m so sorry, Cuz. I’m so sorry,” was all that Julie could say as she held on to me and cried.

  Jackson comforted Aunt Georgia, who was still sobbing.

  “Sorry, Em. It’s good to see you again, just hate it had to be under these conditions,” Randy said. Randy was of average height and had a sandy blonde beard and hair and was very quiet and shy.

  “I know, Randy,” I said.

  “Randy, you remember Jackson. He’s Em’s boyfriend,” Julie said, wiping her eyes with a tissue.

  “Sure. You’re that lawyer in town, right?” Randy asked.

  Jackson nodded.

  “Where are the kids?” I asked, looking around the room.

  “They are in the kitchen with my friend, Amy. It upset them seeing their Granny Georgia so sad,” Julie whispered.

  I nodded.

  I missed Katie and Kyle, but I understood what that kind of loss could do to someone at such a young age. Even though they didn’t know Mama, I understood how seeing all of us upset could bother them. Especially Katie. She was so sensitive, and even though Julie didn’t want to admit it, I was certain that Katie had the gift, too.

  “Oh, God, Em. I know Sis wasn’t always there for you girls, but she loved you. She loved you in her own way,” Aunt Georgia said, sobbing as she hugged me tight and held on to me.

  “I know, Aunt Georgia,” I said through tears. The truth was I had begun to find closure with Mama. I had finally seen her as a person with her own pain. I saw her as the young girl who had gotten married way too young because she thought she had found love. But, most importantly, I saw her as human. Aunt Georgia was right. Mama did love us in the best way she knew how.

  Aunt Georgia let go, and I lay some flowers on top of the casket.

  We sat down, and Reverend Collins began the services. Old Man Cecil got his guitar and sang Mama’s favorite version of Amazing Grace.

  The services after that were mostly a blur of hymns, people that I hadn’t seen in years hugging me and lots of tears.

  On our way to the burial ground, it started to rain.

  Jimmy, Tiffany, Julie, Randy, Jackson, and I stood in the rain under umbrellas as it poured down on Mama’s casket.

  The rain had visited once again. Just like it had the day that we buried Jordy. I had always hated the rain, but today it seemed different. Strangely, it didn’t seem cold or like a bad omen at all. It felt warm, like Grandma May was crying tears of happiness. Her family had finally found peace, and Roy was in jail.

  Reverend Collins gave his last respects, and so did the family.

  Aunt Georgia and everyone else walked to their cars because the wind had started to pick up.

  Jackson put his hand on my back as he held the umbrella over me and began to walk with me to the car.

  I put my hand out to stop.

  “Jackson, can you wait in the car, please, just for a minute?” I asked.

  “I can come if you need me to,” he said warmly.

  “No thanks, I would like to do it on my own,” I said.

  Jackson started to hand me the umbrella.

  “I’m fine,” I said, not taking the umbrella and walked to the casket and stood alone.

  “Mama, it’s over. May you rest in peace,” I said as I cried. The rain poured down on me, and it drenched my face, my hair, my clothes. I didn’t care. The rain washed my tears and seemed to wash away my pain. All those years I had spent blaming Mama, expecting her to be more than she could ever be, all washed away with the rain. I stood still as it fell on my face and hit the ground and the casket as I soaked it all in and just let all of the pain be washed away.

  Finally, the rain died down.

  I threw a single rose on Mama’s casket. It was
pink, her favorite.

  “I forgive you, Mama,” I whispered.

  CHAPTER 26- MEMORIES

  Days had passed since the funeral. Things were feeling a little more settled. I had called Chicago and quit my job. I had decided to stay in Lancaster, something I thought that I would never do. Funny how sometimes when you aren’t looking, life just seems to sneak up on you and turns everything around. Life had done that to me a lot, snuck up on me. This was different. For once life had surprised me, but this time in a good way. I was happy, really happy. I had my family. I had two little cousins that I adored, and I had a wonderful man who loved me.

  I didn’t have a job yet, but I had saved up a nice little nest egg that would support me until I decided what I was going to do. A benefit of the non-social lifestyle I had lived. I could work at the local clinic, but part of me wanted to leave that life of the city behind and open my own bakery shop. I had been such a fraud in the city. I felt alive now. For the first time ever, I felt like my true self.

  I walked over to Mama’s old recipe book and took out the flower that Jackson had given me the night that we made love, and he asked me to marry him. I loved Jackson more than anything, but I just couldn’t marry him without him knowing all of my past, and that included the deepest, darkest part of me. I had promised myself that I would tell him the next morning after he proposed. But I had gotten wrapped up in the funeral and then with them reopening the case on Roy for Daddy’s murder. I convinced myself that it was a bad time, and I would tell Jackson later. I knew that those were just excuses, and the real truth was that I was afraid of losing Jackson when I told him. I had been selfish. I had wanted more time with him, so I hid the truth.

  I decided that I would tell Jackson tonight after he got home from work. I went upstairs and boxed the remainder of Roy’s things. He wouldn’t be needing them now. I hadn’t been in that room since the day I had found Jordy’s broken doll.

  I flinched as I felt a hand on my shoulder. I turned around to see Jackson.

  “Sorry. I didn’t mean to scare you,” Jackson said as he kissed my lips.

  “It’s okay. For a minute, I was just startled. I thought you were Roy,” I said, relieved.

  “Roy? You never again have to worry about him. He’s in jail for a long time,” Jackson said.

  “I know. I guess it will just take some getting used to. I’m so accustomed to having to look over my shoulder and things going wrong,” I said.

  Jackson took my hand and held it in his.

  “Well, get used to things going right,” he said with a smile as he kissed me again on the lips.

  I nodded.

  “Hey, let’s get cleaned up. I have somewhere I want to take you,” Jackson said with a smile. We cleaned up and then got in Jackson’s Tahoe.

  “Where are we going?” I asked with a curious grin.

  “It’s a surprise,” he said, smiling.

  “Have I ever been there?” I asked like an excited schoolgirl.

  “Maybe, maybe not,” Jackson said playfully.

  Jackson kept driving, not saying a word and not giving me any clues as to where we were going.

  We pulled up on an old gravel road with deep, plush green fields.

  “Hmm, Old Hickory Road.”

  “Didn’t you say that is where you lived?” I said in a curious tone.

  “Did I say that?” Jackson said innocently with a smile.

  I playfully nudged him.

  “Yes, you did, Jackson Roderick,” I said, smiling.

  “Hmm...” he said as he kept driving.

  Finally, we arrived at a two-story house. The home was made of treated wood and stone. There was a pond and a bench that sat beside it. There was a long porch that wrapped around the home. On the front of the porch were two restored rocking chairs. The yard had a huge oak tree by the pond, and hanging from the tree was a hammock. Tiki lights lit the whole yard. Shrubbery framed the landscape in various colors of blue, red, yellow, purple, and pink flowers.

  “Wow! This is beautiful!” I said in awe.

  “Thanks. It took years to restore it. It was my childhood home. Got the rocks out of the creek and cleaned them myself. I fixed it up for Mama. She always worked so hard when I was growing up. She never had anything. She sacrificed it all for me. I did this for her,” Jackson said with pride.

  “So, you did all of this for your mama?” I asked.

  “Yes, I mean I live here, too. In the guest house,” Jackson said, pointing to a restored cottage just a few feet away from the house. The cottage was treated wood and had a wind chime hanging outside, plus a wooden rocker, and a bonsai tree.

  “C’mon, let’s go say hi to Mama. She will be glad to see you,” Jackson said, as he held my hand and walked me toward the large house.

  A woman with short white hair and a robe, holding a cane, met us at the door. She immediately gave me a big hug.

  “Oh, my goodness, you are just as pretty as you can be. I haven’t seen you in years, Em. I didn’t know you guys were comin’ or I would have fixed you somethin’ to eat. I was just gettin’ ready for bed.”

  “Hi, Janice. It has been awhile. I love your house,” I said with a smile.

  “Thank you. Jackson did it all for me. This place is too big for me, though. I used to see him a lot more, but seems that he’s been stayin’ somewhere else more than he has here,” she joked.

  “Sorry about that,” I said apologetically.

  “No need to be sorry. I am glad that he has finally found someone good for him. I could have told you years ago, Em, that you were the love of his life. I could see it by the way that he looked at you, even when you both were just kids,” she said with a smile.

  I smiled back at her.

  Jackson squeezed my hand.

  “It’s okay. You get your rest, Mama. We’ll be back,” Jackson said.

  “You be sure to. I have had to get all of my gossip from Georgia. She told me about them puttin’ Roy in jail. I’m so happy for you, Honey,” Janice said, smiling at me.

  “Me, too, I have Jackson to thank for getting it done so quickly,” I said smiling at Jackson.

  “Oh, that is so sweet! I’m so glad that you both are happy! Me and Georgia been wonderin’ when the two of you are gonna get married?” Janice said shamelessly.

  I could feel my face becoming flushed, and I hoped that it didn’t show. I still hadn’t given Jackson an answer. I didn’t want Jackson to think that it was because I didn’t love him. I hadn’t told him yet because I was afraid of losing him. There was so much about my past that he still didn’t know.

  “When we do decide to marry, Mama, you and Georgia will be the first to know,” Jackson said.

  I felt so relieved that Jackson didn’t tell his mama that he had proposed and that I had not really given him a straight answer.

  Jackson hugged his mama and kissed her on the cheek, and we told her our goodbyes. We walked toward the cottage hand in hand.

  Jackson opened the door, and we walked into his cottage. Inside, were refinished beams from what looked like a barn. Jackson had wooden floors and a stone fireplace in the living room. He had a butterscotch leather couch with a white throw over it, a big screen T.V., and a surround-sound stereo system. The walls had various pictures of his family, and one of them was an old picture of Jackson that looked as though he was about seventeen, dressed in jeans and a blue jacket, with his grandpa in a plaid shirt beside a sailboat.

  I walked over to the picture. “Oh, Wow! You were hot back then,” I teased.

  “What’s with the were?” Jackson joked.

  “That’s a good picture of your grandpa and you,” I said, admiring the pic.

  “That was taken my first summer with him. The summer that Jordy, well, you know,” Jackson said as though trying not to bring up Jordy’s death.

  “I really thought that you had just left that summer, Jackson, without a word,” I said.

  “I’m sorry. I missed you so much, Em. But, what was a teen
age boy to do that was in love with a fifteen-year-old girl. I was lost. Mama wanted me to go, and I was heartbroken. I had lost my best friend, Jimmy, and, worst of all, I had lost you. I think, as strange as it may sound, even then I knew that when I left you, I left something special,” Jackson said.

  I turned around to face him.

  “It is fine, Jackson. You couldn’t help what happened,” I said, touching his hand.

  Jackson took my hand, led me over to his couch, and sat me down.

  “Hang on a second. I have a surprise for you,” he said, smiling.

  Jackson came back a few minutes later from the kitchen with some wine in a glass, handed it to me, and put his on the table as he walked over to his stereo and turned on some Van Morrison. He sat back down and lit two large candles sitting on the coffee table in front of us.

  Jackson was quite a romantic.

  “I mean candles, music, wine. You go all out,” I teased.

  “The candles I thought of all on my own,” he joked.

  “So, you bring all your girlfriends up here?” I asked, looking around the room.

  No, actually, Em, you are the first girl I ever brought up here. My home is like my private sanctuary, and, until you, I never met anyone special enough to share it with,” he said.

  I tapped him on the chest as I looked into his hypnotic eyes.

  You are a mystery, Jackson, and you know that?” I said with a flirtatious grin.

  I kissed him on the lips tenderly.

  “Em, can I ask you something?” he said, staring me in the eyes.

  “Sure,” I said, wondering where he was going with this.

  “When I asked you to marry me, and you just joked about it and really didn’t give me a straight answer, was it because you just didn’t want to or you thought I would leave again?” he asked, taking a sip of his wine.