by Shey Stahl
Great, now I not only had sand on my skin but now I had sticky coconut on me, fantastic.
“Someone get control over her.” I mumbled wiping my face with my shirt.
“She’s your wife.” Aiden pointed out.
“Yeah, but you gave her that drink, or drinks in this case. Don’t think this isn’t on you two.”
“Do you think there are sharks in there?” Sway peeked over the side of the raft.
“No, it’s a river.” Aiden told her looking over the side himself. “At least I don’t think there is.”
“Why do you care if there are sharks?” I asked lifting my head from the edge of the raft that I was using as a pillow.
“Because,” Sway stood up and then tumbled on top of me from all the alcohol and Benadryl. “I’m going to swim to shore.”
“I don’t think so honey.” I chuckled adjusting her on my lap, the thought crossed my mind that she was perfectly positioned for align boring, but sadly, our family was here. “You’ve had too much to drink.”
Setting Sway back in front of me, I tossed the oars to Aiden, I said, “here, help me and we can get back to shore.”
Working together or at least I thought we were it must have occurred to Aiden that we had made no progress.
“Jameson,” Aiden yelled from his place at the front of the raft. “You’re supposed to be rowing the same direction as me!”
“I can’t see what way you’re rowing!” I yelled back watching Sway closely to make sure her drunken ass stayed put. She was still looking over the side of the raft searching for a shark.
Emma thought it would be a good idea to come back and see what I was doing and why we weren’t moving.
“Don’t come back here. Stay up there. You’ll throw off the weight balance.”
Before I could finish my sentence, Emma fell into the side of the raft and cut a hole in the side. Aiden fell in the water next and started swimming to shore.
“You guys are so stupid.” He mumbled.
Emma and Sway fell out next and then before I knew it, we were all in the water.
I looked at Emma who was treading water in a manner that seemed as if she was drowning. “You’re a dick.” I told her and swam over to her intending on drowning her tiny ass. She grabbed my shoulders pushing my whole head under.
“I’m not a fucking floating device. Stop that!”
Emma dunked me once more.
“Kids!” I heard Aiden call out. “Stop trying to kill each other. We need to find that tour guide.”
I noticed the cool water turn warm a little too quickly. “Are you peeing?” I asked in complete horror.
“Yes.” Emma answered too calmly.
We tried to swim to shore but it was a river and the current wasn’t easy to swim against. Mostly because my sister had, decided to act as if she was a goddamn chimpanzee and clung to my back.
“You are by far the most useless person in this family Emma!” I said to her when she bit my shoulder and told me to swim faster.
“You know what, Jameson?” Aiden butted in not knowing that his wife was attacking me. How could he know? He was spending entirely too much time using a turtle to get to shore. I wanted to tell him that they bite but instead, after Emma bit me, I felt he needed to find that out on his own. “Let’s focus on finding that useless fucking tour guide and get the hell out of here.” Aiden yelled over his shoulder. “We’re all doing our best.”
“You’re right.” Then I smacked Emma on the back of the head when Aiden wasn’t looking. “Let’s find that useless fucking tour guide.”
At some point during this ordeal, Emma and I had separated from Sway and Aiden and they seemed to be closer to shore than we were, probably because I was swimming for two.
I kept looking around hoping I would see a rescue raft but saw nothing but turtles. I couldn’t understand why they were in a river. Didn’t they prefer oceans?
“It’s like the time we went camping in Dayton Peak.”
I glanced over my shoulder at Emma, still piggybacking, in shock. “You and I apparently remember that night very differently.”
“How so?”
“Well, for one…we were in the woods.” Water splashed me in the face when Emma tried to help us by flailing her arms. “We’re in a tropical paradise here and there are no cougars. Turtles and strange birds yes, but no cougars, thank god. Stop trying to help. You’re not.”
“Turtles bite. You know that, right?”
“I do know—”
“I think I see him!” Sway announced. “It’s him!”
I craned my neck to see what she saw. It was Tour Ted standing on the white sandy shore with a stick in hand, smiling.
“How was your trip? Did you guys bond well?”
It was clear to me right then that motherfucker planned this and I had something to say about it. When we reached the shore, I got up intending to beat the shit out of him when Emma kicked her leg out and tripped me.
With a face full of sand I said, “You are the world’s worst tour guide!”
“Jameson!” Sway chastised my tone of voice.
“What? We paid him to get lost. That’s not good.”
Tour Ted defended himself by saying it was a good experience for us but I lost interest.
I think I had become so disoriented and tired that I think I eventually gave up and laid in the sand staring at the blue sky. Worst mistake ever.
As Tour Ted and Aiden prepared the raft and its hole so we could return to San Jose, I kept my place in the sand. I wasn’t helping. Sway sat down beside me, her hand rested on my stomach. “I won’t plan anymore activities.”
“You better not.” I turned on my side eventually intending to get up when I felt something touch my bare foot and then a sharp pain shot through my entire leg.
When I jerked my leg back, I kicked Sway in the thigh. She screamed, and then I screamed when I saw a fucking turtle looking at me. “You are not one with nature!” Sway yelled at me holding her own leg.
Emma and Aiden looked back and forth between our faces, confused and wary. Emma spotted the turtle before Aiden did and fell next to him in a fit of laughter holding her stomach. “I told you they bite!”
“Am I missing something?” Aiden scratched his mop of California blonde hair. “Why are you bleeding?”
Sway looked up at me laying there like a rape victim and then rolled her eyes and grabbed another drink from her bag. “You’re such a mess.”
Holding my side, I tried to catch my breath and explain what happened to Aiden but couldn’t get it out. “I…you…Sway…turtle…shit.”
With a cocky attitude, that goddamn turtle glared with part of my flesh in his mouth. I swear to god that he fucking glared. Okay, maybe he didn’t have any flesh in his mouth but it sure, as shit looked like it. Here it was, another vacation, and I was being attacked by the wild life.
Awesome.
I looked down to see the damage and there it was, a big gaping turtle bite.
No one cared about my turtle bite but me and acted as if it was just your average scrap. It wasn’t and I was in need of medical attention. At least I thought that.
When we weren’t getting back to San Jose quick enough, I voiced my concern once again.
“What’s the problem exactly?” I asked rather annoyed, but I didn’t care. I just wanted to get back to the hotel so I could get this fucking sand off me and clean my leg up. I was sure I would get some sort of flesh eating disease or infection from this. For someone who has skin issues, an infection is pretty much life ending.
“Okay, you know what asshole? Just because you got bit by a turtle doesn’t mean you have to make the rest of us miserable.” Emma said, getting angry. “We all want to go home.” Once she finished her rant, she propped herself against Aiden’s shoulder as if she was going to sleep.
I tried to tell Sway how unreasonable everyone was being. I was injured. Surely, I was in need of urgent medical care.
“You’ve got
just as many issues as him.” Sway said to Emma, ignoring me altogether, and laughed from the other side of Aiden. Her eyes found mine. “You kicked me, remember?”
“Because I was bitten by a turtle,” I added holding my leg. “It wasn’t on purpose.”
Emma didn’t waste any time before she was pulling Sway’s hair for her previous comment and trying to push my drunken wife from the boat.
“See what you’ve done?” Aiden groaned at me. “You’ve created a war.”
“Whatever.” I shrugged rummaging through the rest of the alcohol.
We eventually arrived back in San Jose and returned to our hotel rooms after I threatened to kill Tour Ted. Sway kindly told me I should spend the rest of the evening in our room.
“I think,” Emma smacked Sway’s shoulder as we stood in the lobby of the hotel deciding on dinner. “That this isn’t a one drink night. You got shit faced and hired Tour Ted from hell. We need this! Let’s go eat and see what happens.”
“Do you remember the last time we said that? Your mom ended up with a tattoo on her lower back and in jail because of you.” Sway reminded her holding me up. I was still very much concerned with my wound and in my mind; I shouldn’t have to be supporting all of my weight on it.
“I’m hungry.” I announced though no one paid any attention to me.
“I’m hungry too.” Aiden said nodding to me.
At least he heard me.
“Yeah, let’s get food.” Emma said looking to Sway for confirmation and ignoring me when I pushed her. “Listen asshole,” Emma got right in my face. “Just because you were bit doesn’t mean you get to be a jerk. Stop pushing me.”
“Fine, let’s go eat. I’m starving.”
Sway shook her head. “You need to clean your leg up and then we will decide.”
“But I’m hungry.” I was all for cleaning up by it had been hours since I last ate and I was becoming more and more delirious to the point where I couldn’t feel my entire leg.
Sway shot me a look and naturally, I looked the other way finding the wall more interesting, “Fine.”
I decided it was time to focus on the task at hand. Getting my leg cleaned and then I could eat dinner.
Sway helped me to our room, holding me up in the doorframe. “Don’t move and Jesus Christ Jameson, support your weight. You’re not dying and I can’t carry your two-hundred pound body.”
“I can’t put pressure on it.” I whined pushing out my bottom lip. “It hurts and I think I need emergency one-on-one care…from you,” I whispered in her ear.
Fumbling with the key in the door, I chuckled at her determination. “Do you remember when I was fumbling with a key in the door and you were supporting yourself in a doorframe?”
“Yeah, you knocked me up that night.” She huffed pushing the door open. “Now go get in the shower.”
I stood straight and saluted her, “Yes, ma’am.”
Sway helped me with my shower and rid the offensive sand from my skin. She gave me the one-on-one attention I needed in the form of some micro polishing too and then bandaged up my leg.
“How did you get so good at playing nurse?” I asked sticking a straw in the bottle of Jack Daniels I found in the refrigerator.
“I have two boys that managed to break every bone in their bodies and a little girl that has no fear. I’ve had my fair share of nursing experience. And don’t forget,” she pulled the leg of my pants over the bandage and kissed it softly. “I’m married to you.”
“You’re the best wife.” I cooed and she grabbed the bottle.
“Come on champ.” She held her hands out to me. “Let’s get some food in you.”
I did get food in me but I insisted on drinking because of my pain level. No way in hell was I getting any prescription drugs in another country so I stuck to liquid.
“Give me that bottle!” Sway yelled when I told the waiter what I thought of his waiting skills.
“Okay, let’s think rationally.” Aiden said, stepping in and replacing my bottle of Tequila I found in the bar with a bottle of water. “Someone should take that away from him.”
“Really, how would you think rationally? It took you a fucking hour to decide what you were going to drink with dinner. Fuck you. Leave my bottle alone.” I said with no sense of rationality.
“Jameson!” Again, Sway yelled right in my face. “He’s trying to help you.”
In my mind, my very drunk and injured mind, he wasn’t helping me. Before I knew it, I curled up in bed because apparently I wasn’t social material that evening. At least that’s what I was told when I woke up on the bathroom floor at four in the morning feeling like Mardi Gras had shit on me.
Sway convinced me to go down to the lobby and eat breakfast with her, so I did, but when we got back to the hotel to start packing, I wasn’t excited with what I witnessed. I was Mortified yes.
Our room was right next to Aiden and Emma’s room. When we entered our room, we walked in and crashed on the bed, neither of us wanting to move. For one, my leg was sore and I had a headache that felt like someone was beating nails into my skull. Sway, recovering from her allergic reaction that turned out to be something in the water, felt the same way. “I just want to go home.” She said with a heavy sigh.
“Me too,” I agreed rolling to my side to face her. Even with her blotchy skin and swollen eyes, she was still incredibly beautiful. “When does our flight leave again?”
She looked over at the clock and sighed again. “We have about four hours until we should leave.”
“I can think of a few things to take up that time.”
And that’s when we heard…
“Oh baby! Oh…Jesus…yes…just like that!”
Yeah, that was my sister screaming. The next few seconds went by brutally slow and I covered my ears but heard noises I never wanted to hear.
“Not again!” I groaned covering my head with a pillow.
Sway started laughing hysterically.
Nothing is worse than hearing someone having sex, when you’re not, and then knowing it’s your sister and brother in law. Like battery acid, the worst fucking images get imbedded into your brain.
The noises were close to the wall and just about the time, I was ready to lock myself in the bathroom, we heard wood splintering and an ear splitting crashing noise. I wasn’t sure if the hotel was collapsing or what. Frantically my eyes darted around the room searching for the noise when I saw the adjoining door collapsed about ten feet from our bed. Aiden and Emma, naked, on top of it looking around as though they had no idea what had just happened.
“Oh my God!” I screamed like a dying feral cat. “Cover up! Cover up!”
“We’re trying!” they both screamed.”
Sway, all calm and relaxed, peeked over me to look down at the floor. “You’re right Emma, he does where his socks when you bone.”
I wanted to claw my fucking eyes out at the vision before me. My sister was naked but worse, Aiden’s ass in my face as he tried to scramble back inside his own room.
Squeezing my eyes shut, I ran full speed toward our bathroom, smacked right into the wall, and nearly knocked myself unconscious. If I was being completely honest, my plan was to knock myself out. I didn’t want to remember this vacation. I silently hoped it would be like a traumatic post war syndrome and could I block it out, it didn’t help.
After that vacation, I was thankful it was time to go home. Still not on speaking terms with Aiden or Emma, I vowed never to fly anywhere with them again but I knew that wouldn’t last long. Much to my liking, they were a bit self-conscious over the incident and kept to themselves. Sway couldn’t stop laughing. Every time she looked at Aiden, she laughed. Every time she looked at Emma, she laughed.
They did not.
I also never planned to go anywhere that had animals of any sort. Sway was right, I wasn’t one with the nature and those evil bastards confirmed that. I was meant to be on a track and only a track.
Sway looked at her iPad when we w
ere waiting for the plane to take off and gasped, “Uh, well, apparently the kids set the street on fire.”
“Kids,” I sat straight up in the seat adjusting my sore leg that would need to be looked at when we returned. My head felt like someone hit me with an ax and I could barely walk on my leg this morning. It wasn’t me just being a baby either. It was red and swollen and that shit wasn’t looking good, “My kids?”
“Uh-huh.”
“How’d they manage that?” I wasn’t all that interested because it wasn’t the first time they had set something on fire. But a street…that was a first. Despite all of that and the disastrous vacation from hell, it felt good sitting here beside Sway. It felt good being disengaged for a few days and provided a distraction. One hell of a distraction but regardless, it was nice.
“Oh look,” she pulled up the local news website, “it made the news and there’s a video.”
6. Red and Yellow Flag – Jameson
Red and Yellow Flag – This flag is displayed to signify debris (oil, sand, water, or other substances) on the track.
On the way home from Costa Rica we spent more time looking over the news of our street set on fire by our kids than remembering the horrible vacation we had just experienced.
The video didn’t show how it caught on fire, just the aftermath, or I guess you would say the duringmath? It was still on fire but being contained, so they said. At least no houses were in danger because after all, it was a private piece of land, my private piece of land.
The more I thought about it on the flight home, the more upset I became.
The problem was that it would be a danger for a housing development that was on the other side of our 230-acre plot. Therefore, once again, I was going to have to pay for all the damage.
When we got home, the fire had been contained and all that remained was lingering smoke and a lot of burnt trees. We had a private gate when you entered the property and it looked as if someone tried to run into with a bulldozer. Turned out to be where the fire truck smashed through it. A $23,000 gate was completely destroyed.
Awesome.
“Keep calm.” Sway said when she noticed my anger rising. “Let’s not overreact until we know what happened.”