His rapid movement resulted in a jolt that tore the connection between us apart. I raise my stare high enough to see a gush of red blood ooze from the man’s neck as life quickly left him. His eyes showed shock, but eerily enough – some sort of gratitude.
I couldn’t stop watching the man die and find a peace, a serenity, I longed for. This was when I realized that Daniel had given him exactly what he wanted. Recalling the state of his place, that it was past midnight and this man was still working in a lifeless house, it appeared to me that we had freed rather than executed him.
“Austin will love this,” Daniel’s voice tore me from my paralysis.
“What?” I asked weakly, feeling dizzy.
“He gave us his access code,” Daniel explained, his attention glued to the monitor. “I don’t understand any of this, but Austin will surely make use of this.
“U-huh,” I gave back and Dan straightened up and looked at me: “Are you alright?”
My answer was throwing up.
How I got back into the car I can’t recall. I don’t know if Dan carried me or if I walked. All I know was riding shotgun made me even sicker, although I have no clue how often we stopped, so that I could throw up some more.
It was the smell. The stench of death, combined with me being pregnant, that made it so I couldn’t stop puking my dinner everywhere. You see, when people die they lose control over all muscles. And in the scientist’s case the metallic smell of blood mixed up with urine and feces. For a beast’s nose, it’s I don’t know how much stronger.
Day 38
The next day I came to in my bed, not wearing the same things I had worn during the home invasion. I wanted to be furious, wanted to tell myself that Daniel had taken advantage of me, but I knew if he had, he would be lying next to me in my bed. He wasn’t.
There is no room for doubt in my head. I cannot imagine him being a decent person. It’s just not possible. Maybe it was Austin who helped me undress. Checking my clothes, I noticed that I was still wearing the same panties and my bra was still on as well, just my T-shirt had been changed. Definitely because of the blood spatters.
I’m not mad at Dan. He did what we had agreed on and even though in my head, I had been the one to kill the scientist, it had been him instead of me. Maybe that is a good thing. I don’t know. Fact is, the guy is dead and Dan brought his laptop.
When I walked out of my bedroom still feeling a bit sick, I headed straight for Austin’s office. As I suspected, he was already working on the stolen computer.
“It’s almost lunchtime,” Austin told me as I ran into the room. “You should get something to eat. I don’t have anything interesting to tell you anyway.”
“Gotcha,” I managed to say and turned on my heels.
I wasn’t wearing anything other than track pants, a T-shirt and a pair of oversized socks when I went downstairs. And the last thing I expect was walking in on Dan doing the thing midday, in his bed, bare-chested, the important things covered by a blanket. Yet, his movements were absolutely obvious.
“God!” I shouted out, making him jolt and I turned around, heading straight for the open kitchen, ignoring what I thought I saw.
“I want to throw up!” I added, reaching the fridge.
“You could lend me a hand, here,” Daniel shouted from his bed. “Or two!” he added.
I rolled my eyes, although I knew he wasn’t able to see it, and screeched: “Gross!”
“Or your mouth.” Dan was closer than before. “I’d definitely prefer that mouth of yours.”
His words stung in all the wrong and eerily right ways. I flung around and punched my hands against his chest as forcefully as I was able to and – much to my satisfaction – he stumbled backwards a few feet.
“That’s enough, Daniel,” I growled at him. “You can repeat your wet dreams to me over and over again, but that doesn’t change the fact that they are never going to happen. Stop being such a creeper and grow up.”
“And you should wake up, kitten,” he gave back, infuriating me with his term of endearment, but he stopped my comeback before it was out of my mouth. “You enjoyed me killing that man, and if you are honest with yourself, you would have loved to do it yourself.”
Daniel walked up to me not stopping until he was invading my personal space.
“You are not that little girl anymore that Severin brought in to tame poor conflicted, self-loathing Jay,” he continued and his anger was what stole my breath. “You are a beast now, accept it, give in to it, and let it out.”
He had made me retreat to the countertop, yet had stopped merely an inch from my body, not touching me. Still, in his expression I could read the unspoken words. He wanted me to let out my beast and let his beast in. It was one month and one week since they all had been buried by rubble and since I had pulled him out.
I could kill all his confidence by just telling him that I was pregnant with Jay’s child, but I didn’t say anything. All I did was glare back at him, summoning all my fury, all my hatred and sending it towards him. And he retreated, taking three steps back before actually turning around.
If we were nothing else but animals, I would understand him. It was about the preservation of our species. But we are beasts, human-animal hybrids, were-creatures and not entirely animals, we are humans as well. So, I told him to respect my loss and fuck off.
Day 40
I guess to Austin I could be compared with a needy, annoying cat bothering its owner for attention. I was pestering him just the same way, because I wanted another target. And not any target. I wanted Rook.
I know that fate wouldn’t serve him to me on a silver platter, but I could still hope. Hope was important, because I figured that the organization behind it all would have noticed by now that one of its scientists was dead. Unless I had missed something. That’s when Austin and Daniel broke the news to me, when I uttered my concerns.
“He signed on through his computer and updated his findings every other day,” Austin explained to me. “I’ve impersonated him, so, as long as no one actually is trying to meet him in person, the organization will be absolutely clueless.”
This was actually good news, but that didn’t mean they wouldn’t be suspicious, careful, or on high alert.
“I’m sure by now they have rummaged through the remains of the compound and are missing two corpses,” I gave back. “It’s not like the place obliterated itself completely that just a few blood drops would make them believe that Dan and I are dead.”
“Dan?” Daniel repeated with a mocking expression.
“Four,” I corrected myself, but it was already too late; I could feel him look at me differently, almost fondly, because I had chosen to shorten his name.
I rolled my eyes and let out a sigh.
“His computer will still send information from its home network,” Austin explained, completely ignoring what just had happened, “I can access it from here, so they will still believe that he is working at home. But I guess it’s just a matter of time until they realize that the data I am sending them is bogus. Until then I will try to send in a Trojan, so that I can access the data we need.”
“Like Rook’s address,” I chipped in.
“Like that, but I doubt that I’ll get that information easily,” Austin admitted. “It will be a high level security matter. I doubt that our scientist had access to that.”
I allowed my mind to work for a moment before I realized something very important about my intentions.
“We wanted to take them all down, remember?” I told Austin, placing my hand on his shoulder. “So, let’s do that. Just like a chess game.”
“The problem is that we are only three, and they are much more,” Austin answered.
“But Four and I aren’t normal people, we are beasts,” I responded, making sure not to call him Dan again. “I might not have military training, but Four has, and he is teaching me. And right now, we have an advantage, we should use it as long as we can. They don’t know we
are after them. If they believe that we are alive, they must think that we are hiding or trying to get away. What I want is the board. As soon as you have one, let me know.”
“Okay, I will,” Austin nodded.
“I’m going to get your favorite coffee,” I told him.
It was not just because I wanted to be nice to Austin, I also needed some fresh air; and I wasn’t sure how long I could walk out in the open like that. Sooner or later the organization would look for me through traffic cams and what else.
“I’m coming with you,” Daniel stated and I knew that I couldn’t do anything about it; so I chose not to react at all.
We opened the enforced steel gate, with wasn’t much more than a ten inch thick steel plate being pulled up by strong chains via remote code, which had eight digits. I stared out of the right window while Daniel drove us out of the building, the gate already lowering itself down behind us. The area around us appears to be forlorn, but it isn’t quite true. Some of the factories around us are mostly active at night because of their polluting emissions, while other buildings are nothing but warehouses.
Getting Austin’s favorite coffee meant a drive of about 25 minutes and heating it up again in our kitchen, it still tasted better than the brew our machine created. Apart from that, driving through tall buildings, hearing the hum of the engine, seeing an actual sky above me with clouds, slowly darkening as the night slowly pulled it’s dark blue cloak above us… it is something that I deeply enjoy. I hadn’t seen the sky for far too long while being White’s prisoner, that I actually have to swallow down tears every time I can see the first star appear in the firmament.
“Are you alright?” Daniel’s question made me snap out of my marveling at the sky.
“Yeah, why shouldn’t I be,” I responded without turning my head, continuing to stare out of the window.
“I don’t know, it’s just a feeling,” he admitted.
To me he sounded strange, atypical to what he usually threw at me: sexual innuendos, blatant flirting, and anything in between. I kept my mouth shut and swallowed down my worries about him finding out that I was pregnant. For all I knew he would shrug it off and insinuate that having sex with him wouldn’t make me more pregnant. He wouldn’t care about the wellbeing of my child. Worst case I could come up with? That Daniel might try to kill it, because that was what predators did. The new ruler of the lion pride would kill all the offspring of his predecessor to ensure his rule. Who could rule out clearly that there weren’t lion genes thrown into the mix? After all, in beast form everyone had feline traits.
“Meg?”
I can’t remember ever hearing him call me by my name and not some stupid term of endearment. There was honest worry in his voice, something I couldn’t completely ignore, even if I wanted to, because it showed a side of him to me that he usually kept locked away. Daniel did care. It has to be that, because why else had he been third in command after Nina? Still, I would prefer her over him any time.
“I’m alright, Daniel,” I told him, not holding back my annoyance, although, by now, I guess, that it leaves him cold, because that’s all he gets from me.
“Aye Ma’am,” was all he gave back.
It makes me think, makes me wonder if I am completely right about him. There are times when there are different expressions on his face. I see them for just a fraction, but they are there. Dan might be a complete arrogant asshole, but there is more to his appearance. I can pretend that I don’t see it, but I am tired of lying to myself.
Yes, I will accept that there is more to Daniel than meets the eye, but I don’t have to like him for it either.
Day 44
Four days. It took Austin whole four days to get us another target. And while Daniel continued working out, probably having returned to his former glory, it was me who was climbing the walls, because my time is running out. I’m still not showing any signs, and that is a good thing, because I am not restricted in my physiology, at least on the outside.
I can feel it inside me, growing, drawing energy from me, altering me. It’s the hormones of course, but apart from that I could practically eat anything. And I have an insatiable hunger for meat. I think that I have never in my life eaten so much junk food without having to regret it.
Austin, of course, knows and doesn’t say anything. He actually hides away burgers so that I can eat them later on when Dan isn’t around. He hasn’t started teasing me about my appetite and I guess that it’s a good thing, because he’s not stupid, he would connect the dots easily.
The good thing is that he accepts my mourning as the source for my impatience and rage. Although he probably knows what happened just moments before the whole compound blew up over their heads. It wouldn’t help me hearing from him what I already know, anyway.
A part of me is grateful that he had never brought it up. Even though I would like to know how it happened that he ended up being closest to the door instead of Jay. But I already have an explanation for that. I can see it right in front of me. Just as clearly as I remember Jay looking down and shutting the door. He must have turned around to stop the others from trying to reach it and open it up again. Dan must have managed to either overwhelm him or pass him by. Either way, Jay killed them all. All but Daniel.
But that wasn’t what I was talking about. Austin finally had found us another location, but it was so far away that we would have to leave our nest. So, more planning and preparation was needed. However, our new target was part of the board. Finally, I will meet someone responsible. And this time, it will be me who will be drawing blood.
Day 45
I’m so furious, I can’t find words. Although I know where they are coming from, after what had happened I just can’t bring up the will or effort to understand or forgive them.
Yes, Austin found another board member. What he failed to tell me was that he has found all of them, including a secondary compound. I’m fuming. They kept this from me! What if in that secondary compound… what if they found survivors and brought them there?
I completely lit up. I tossed one of Austin’s racks out of his office, sending it down to the ground level, and I almost lunged at him. If it hadn’t been for Dan, I definitely would have hurt him. Instead, I slashed at Daniel and he managed to stay unharmed, apart from the three cuts on his left cheeks that my claws left behind. Eventually he sat on top of me, while I was facing down, for at least 30 seconds, chanting: “Calm down, we know you’re mad.”
Eventually I tapped the ground three times with my palm to declare my surrender. But I am still furious. Although their reason for not telling me has some grounds, I still can’t forgive them. Yes, I would have instantly gone for the secondary compound, silently praying that my bastard of a boyfriend was still alive. So, not telling me was protecting me, but they could have done it differently.
“I got it,” I told them. “But when would you guys have told me, if I hadn’t heard it?”
Their silence was answer enough and I grabbed Austin’s secondary chair and threw it off the gallery, too. Then, I just left them. I had been in the bathroom and turned on the shower, when I realized that I had forgotten my clothes in my bedroom. With a large towel wrapped around my body I had tiptoed back to get my clothing, when I heard Austin say: “So, these are the addresses of the board and that is, what I believe to be, the secondary compound. I’m not sure what it’s about. They are either doing the very same as in ours or something different entirely.”
That’s when I snapped. I dropped my clothes and stomped into Austin’s office.
“What the hell?” I yelled. “Secondary compound?”
And before I knew it the storage rack was crashing onto the ground floor.
“You are keeping secrets from me?” I screamed. “Just like Jay?”
I was burning with anger, and the tears etching my eyes evaporated before they could run down my cheeks. And then, everything was a red haze, until I felt a heavy, painful weight on my back, forcing me to sign my defeat.
Much to my relief my towel had barely moved. I only had to press it to my chest when I got back on my feet. To my surprise, Daniel didn’t say a word; there wasn’t even a naughty expression on his face, but caution. I turned and walked back to the bathroom, lifting up my abandoned clothes and yanked the door shut.
No matter how hot I turned the water, it wouldn’t meet the heat I felt inside. It was my worry about my unborn child that regulated the temperature down to something acceptable, and me placing my hands on my still flat belly that calmed down my rage.
Now, I am sitting here, trying to keep my cool while analyzing the situation. And much to my dismay I have to admit that I can understand them keeping it away from me, but only because of how I reacted now. I will tell them “no more secrets”, because that’s actually how they make me lose my shit.
Day 48
I don’t want to write in here, but I guess I have to. The last three days have been hell for me, or rather: strange. And looking back on the past months it has always helped me. I’m just not sure if it will help me now.
The boys are preparing our trip to our next destination, so finding my center it is, trying to target, and until then my task is to exercise, center and adjust. Yes, Dan and I are still having our fight sessions, but what he just started teaching me is meditation, as in calming myself down and finding the balance between rage and serenity. Can you believe that? Daniel frigging Four meditating?
I have to be honest. I mean, that’s what writing a diary is about, isn’t it? That you put down the truth and find a way to cope with it. You put down your feelings and eventually are able to let them go. As if. I now realize that Dan teasing me might be him having a secondary motive other than annoying me. And I don’t mean trying to get into my pants. It might be about testing my limits and finding out when I might snap. Maybe I shouldn’t think that of him, but I just can’t shake it off. Ever since I played demolition man with Austin’s office, Dan is pushing me further and further in the sparring and is pestering me with meditation. He doesn’t accept yoga as the same.
The Beast Is Me (The Beast And Me Book 4) Page 3