And I get it. I really get it. I have these blank spaces in my head now and then. I wonder if Jay felt like that when he was out of control. But I… I don’t sit in the backseat and see my body shift and act on its own. There is nothing, absolutely nothing. And when I wake up it’s like having slept a tiring, dreamless sleep.
I understand that this is a liability; and it’s the reason why we haven’t moved upstate to meet our next target. I am not safe.
Yes, it is me who is the actual threat.
At first I thought this was ridiculous, until Austin showed me the film he made with his phone when I was exercising with Dan. I couldn’t remember any of it. I never thought that I would be afraid of myself, but what I saw… it was brutal and amazing.
The video didn’t show what caused me to shift; it just showed what happened after that. Austin hadn’t been watching us exercising on the ground floor, but he had started to do so somewhere in between. I was fierce. My warped appearance was eerily beautiful and I wouldn’t have recognized myself if it hadn’t been for Daniel. At the beginning of the recording he was still himself, but quickly shifted when that feline creature he was battling beat him down, made him retreat, and forced him into defense. His opponent wasn’t feral; she wasn’t a mindless creature, but a deadly predator.
I was equally terrified and amazed by the beast that was me. She was fast and agile. Her movements seemed as if she was dancing, yet her dance was lethal, and even more: she was an equal to Daniel’s Four.
Watching this video I understood why they were so careful when it came to me. I wasn’t connected to my beast, I didn’t even realize when it broke out and took me over. I was just as far away from connecting to my alter ego as Jay had been when I met him. I needed to connect with my beast before we ventured out to get a grip on the first board member. I understand that, and yet I am not sure if I can muster the patience needed.
I don’t know how long it will take me to get my two halves together. And right now, I don’t know if I want to. The idea of not being in control, meaning that I am not responsible, is somewhat appealing. The only downside is that I won’t remember mauling the responsible person to death.
I don’t know when I became this blood thirsty. But, when I am honest, it makes sense, my blood thirst equals my pain.
So, finding my center it is, trying to bring both my nature’s together, mind and instinct. It’s now that I know how difficult it was for Jay.
Day 49
I wish we could just go back to exercising, but instead it’s meditation, and – what an irony – Tai Chi. Seeing that Dan actually knows anything about that really surprises me. Okay, he’s not able to keep a straight face either, but still…
It’s an irony that it is driving me nuts. I’m benched, because my beast took me over once. ONCE. Isn’t it more important to erase this group of people from the earth’s surface? I’m running out of time and Daniel’s teaching me to BREATHE.
God, I just know that it’s not going to work that way. I know that I will have to connect with my instinctive side. But I guess, that means, accepting my fears, and worries, and sorrows, and pain. I don’t know if I can. I don’t know if I want to. I’ve whined about Jay’s decision enough, I have wondered about whether he might have made a different choice if I had told him about being pregnant. I’ve told myself too often already that it doesn’t change anything. It’s enough.
My priority now is my child. A child Daniel knows nothing about, or – if he has realized by now – chooses to ignore. I don’t really care if he does or doesn’t. It won’t change my determination.
X X X
So, I did it again. But this time, I remember. I remember taking some sort of a back seat as my beast took over to fight against Dan’s, or was it exercising? I wasn’t quite sure, at least not at first. I believe I was actually having fun. If you can call not pulling a punch and going in with my entire body. I can’t really say that I was reckless with my current state, but I’m sure that Four didn’t notice, because he was too busy defending himself.
No, I wouldn’t say that I am stronger, or better than him, but maybe faster. And I definitely used it to my advantage that he was holding himself back. He definitely did. I remember often expecting him to break through my defense, because I was being too aggressive and reckless, but he didn’t.
The only thing I don’t like about this memory was how I came back to my human form. Because that’s how I really knew that he was holding himself back. He pushed me against the wall behind me, using his maybe full strength, to not only choke me a little but also lift me off my feet. And I had no chances of fighting him anymore, because one arm was pinned behind my back and the other one was pinned between us as I was protecting my stomach.
“Calm the fuck down,” he breathed into my face, making me cringe and attempt to fight against his superior strength, although I knew it was futile.
“Let me go,” I answered, sounding strangely different, and yet it was still my voice, returning to sounding more and more human with every syllable I spoke.
Suddenly, I could feel the fading rush of adrenaline, the strain of my muscles, the pain in all the places I had parried his hits and punches and the ache in my hands from when I actually had managed to hurt him.
He didn’t do what I asked, but realized it after a few moments of feeling myself back into my body. It actually was him blinking at me in confusion and wonder, maybe because he was watching me turning human again. I found it strange, since it hadn’t been the first time.
“Would you?” I asked him slightly annoyed and he put me down again, but still continued to stare at me like that. “What’s wrong?” I added even more irritated.
“That didn’t work last time,” Dan simply stated and walked away, not explaining what he meant exactly.
All I could remember about last time was that I was exercising fighting moves with him one second, and woke up in my bed the next. Hadn’t I shifted back into my human form the last time before I went to bed? So, I guess that this means an improvement. Is he jealous that I’m catching up that fast? Or what is his problem?
X X X
I talked to Austin again. Right now these two guys think they can decide what we are going to do next. I thought we had a target now, and we were going to get it down. I’m fine with plucking off one board member after the other, even though it means that we need to be fast.
I told Austin that my time is running out and that Daniel will not be able to do this alone. His answer just pissed me the hell off.
“You know that I am working with people,” he told me. “They need a bit of time and then they can support us with a team.”
“What kind of team?” I inquired, trying to keep my cool and prove to him that my beast and I weren’t out of control.
“Mercenaries,” Austin gave back without even looking at me, which made me even angrier. “Former Black Ops and such.”
“I didn’t know that we had that much money,” I answered, trying a different approach in telling him between the lines that I didn’t feel personally threatened.
Austin gave me a look, showing that my strategy had worked. At least I had his attention.
“And do these special mercenaries know who they are going to work with?” I asked and barely managed to keep my anger out of my voice.
His expression told me more than I wanted to know. He was thinking that I wouldn’t be part of that group.
“Look,” I said, after taking a deep breath and sat down on the edge of his desk, cutting him off from his keyboard. “You don’t know me well, I don’t know you well, and I probably know Daniel more than you do. But, you know him well enough to be aware that he loves being a beast and he will always choose this form when it comes to fighting. I doubt that these mercenaries will be able to cope with meeting a beast and we don’t have the time.”
“Yes, I barely know you,” Austin answered, finally showing the body language that I wanted to see; he was being attentive and seemingly w
illing to have this kind of conversation with me. “I knew Valerie,” he explained and I could hear the pain in his voice. “I also know that you are pregnant. I know that there was an agreement that you would be taken away and not introduced to the reversing project Valerie was attempting. You were supposed to have a normal pregnancy and have a normal life.”
That he was talking about that made me cringe and my fingernails pressed against the tabletop of his desk as I tried to remain calm. This agreement would have never happened, even if everyone had survived. But this wasn’t a topic worth fighting about.
“But I don’t and I will never have a normal life,” I answered calmly. “The three of us are stuck together now; Daniel, you, and me. This is how things are. And I need this, Austin. I need to stop this from ever happening again. I need to show men like Rook and White that there will be consequences when you attempt to play God.”
I offered him the chance to add something to the conversation we were having but he kept silent and I continued: “And, to be honest, Austin, you have not the tiniest fragment of a right to make a decision for me. You have no right to bench me. You have no right to tell Daniel that he isn’t allowed to use the power he was given to avenge his friends and help me. I appreciate your help, but that’s all that you are going to do. You’re helping us to do the right thing, but you are not calling the shots. I am the alpha around here.”
I heard something, and it wasn’t Austin responding to my clear words. There was a movement behind him, but it hadn’t been what I had heard. It had been a heartbeat, and an accelerated one.
“Am I right?” I asked, continuing to face Austin, but not addressing him; I didn’t need to look up to know that Daniel was standing in the shadow of the gallery.
“Yes,” Daniel answered as he continued to walk towards us, slowly.
I had expected to hear some remark like he wasn’t the responsible type or anything else that made being an alpha sound overrated or even stupid, but he didn’t. Instead, he stopped, standing right behind Austin so that he had to turn around and up to see him in the eyes. Dan wasn’t kidding. Even more, his expression was surprisingly stern.
“I’d like to practice the control of the shifting process a little more, and the hand signs and usual strategies you learn as a soldier, but then we are ready to go,” he continued after a pause of consideration and looked straight at me. “Also, having a mercenary team as support is a good idea, too. They don’t need to be introduced to us. They only need to know that we are there and follow our communication when there is any.”
I knew that he was being honest and factual right now. The way he looked at me was barely anything that usually made me feel annoyed or uncomfortable.
“Okay,” I nodded and for a split second I saw surprise flashing over his face, then he just nodded as a response.
“I would also suggest that we try to strike all of them at once, when they are gathering,” Daniel added.
“And how are we supposed to do that?” I asked, not knowing how I should take Dan’s atypical behavior.
“By terrifying them,” he answered, his eyes locked to mine. “We target one of them and scare the living shit out of them. There is no way that we can clip them silently one after another without them knowing, so why not face them head on?” Daniel now shrugged. “By now they should have realized that they haven’t found all the bodies. Even if they believe that I was killed, which I doubt they will without a piece of my body, they will still be looking for you. If you face them head on they will only expect you, maybe the two of us, but not the mercenaries. Even if they realize that we took the money, they will never expect us to actually expose ourselves to anyone.”
“What makes you to sure?”
“Because one of all our first memories as a beast is remembering the reaction people had seeing us,” Daniel answered and I think I saw a brief expression of pain. “It is pure horror. If there is one thing I know, it’s that they underestimate our human side. They think we are animals and animals don’t work with humans unless they are obedient dogs. And you and I are definitely not.”
It took me a while to take in the meaning of his words. They made me remember the first time I met him, and pretty much every time I had seen him afterwards. Always relishing his beast form, refusing to turn back into a human, even when he was obviously able to do so. Had all of this actually been an act? Had he tried to make a different impression? Had Dan played the long game without anyone realizing what he had been up to?
“So, we visit our first target and make them believe that it was one or two beasts on a rampage,” I said, trying to get a grip on what he was insinuating. “We leave gore and horror, and make them underestimate us, again.”
I think I have never seen this sort of smile on Daniel’s face before. It was honest and somewhat real. But the worst thing about it was that it made me feel warm, proud.
“That, exactly,” he responded. “And then, when they activate their security protocol, gathering the board to protect it, then we’ll strike, orderly and professionally.”
“They’ll expect two beasts out of control and not a strike team,” I continued his train of thought and all he did was nod with a broad smile on his face.
The way Dan looked at me then was similar to before, but it was more like the lead role of his dream life had stepped out of it to meet him in reality. I could only imagine what he dreamt about, but most of me didn’t want to.
Day 50
I want to improve so damn bad. Yes, I’m impatient and probably that’s the reason my beast and I don’t click. And now, after knowing how I just phase out and don’t have any control of my actions, I am, of course, afraid to let go. It’s, oh, so frustrating, but today, every time I felt this fire beneath my skin that announces the shift, I’m forcing it down again. And, of course, Daniel takes full advantage of that. I’m sure he’s enjoying it, or maybe he’s punishing me. Or, I’m misreading him again and he just wants to help me get my beast on.
Thinking about it, I feel like I missed something. Because, honestly, to me it looks like his behavior has changed. Yes, I’m Miss Obvious, but I don’t mean him siding with me when I talked to Austin yesterday, no. He pestered me all the time with sexual innuendos, and I swear that he took every chance outside of sparring, to touch me in a way he shouldn’t. That’s gone now.
Did he hear Austin say that I was pregnant? He didn’t change his behavior at all, after I walked in on him. Hell, I’m almost sure that he planned that to happen. But now… now he teases me when sparring and is careful when we are not. I can’t help but hate it, because it makes me think about it and that’s the last thing I want.
Who am I kidding. He has to have heard it. Could the solution to stop his advances be that easy? Does he stay clear of me because I am pregnant?
X X X
Yes, I asked him and “No,” is what he said. “No,” as in not the reason for his changed behavior.
I approached him by disturbing his workout and simply asking him: “Did you stop annoying me because I’m pregnant? Is that it?”
Daniel got up from his pushups, wearing nothing other than track pants and a singlet, which was soaked with sweat and ran his hand through his sticky, black hair, brushing it out of his face. That’s when I realized that he looked way better with a decent hairdo than having his thick strands of hair hanging in his face as if he was a hobo. It took him a second too long to answer and I realized it just as late.
“No, I’m not pulling punches during sparring either, am I?” he said and of course had a point.
It made me feel stupid, still does, and it made me even angrier. With my fists on my hips I just glared at him, before I demanded: “So, why then? Why are you so mannered all of the sudden? Have you finally given up?”
Daniel just looked at me with his dark blue eyes, which made me realize that he was actually pushing away the beast while we were speaking. I can’t remember the last time he had done that. Actually, I can’t remember any
time he had done that. Daniel liked being on the brink of shifting, and the grass-green around his iris showed that. However, right then, his eyes were as dark as the night sky just before the sun broke and climbed the horizon; and I had never felt more unsettled by anything else than when I saw Daniel’s eyes, those two black pools staring at me. For a moment, I felt like drowning in them, and a part of me realized the gravity of his human eyes looking at me. Yet, I’m still trying to wrap my head around it.
Could it really be that Daniel preferred being a beast because it made things simpler, and precisely because everything was more primal? Was he more vulnerable facing the world as a man?
What the hell had happened?
I couldn’t look at his human eyes, I just couldn’t. So, I turned around and left without another word, telling myself that I would figure out the reason alone.
Somehow, I believe that my beast does know the answers, but of course it doesn’t tell me. It’s not like we are exactly on speaking terms. My beast is not a persona of its own. Like Jay said, it is my base instincts given form.
Do I really want to know the answers?
Day 54
I’m still zoning out sometimes, but most of the times I can watch myself act. And today, for the first time, I took over control while sparring with Dan. Or at least something close to it. I still felt like someone or something else was controlling my body, but it was listening to me. When I told him to let Dan breathe, it stopped choking him and stepped back, waiting for him to recover, even waiting for him to sign that he was ready for the next round.
I have to admit that I am relieved to see his beast eyes again. Today was the first time when he had them the whole time, the whole day. I am not sure if he did it on purpose. In any case, his human eyes made me back off and leave him alone. My beast tells me that this was exactly what he wanted. I cannot stop and ask myself why. It still annoys me… that I seem to care about him. But let’s face it: I pulled him from the rubble of the compound, I nursed him to health, and he is the last connection to Jay, Nina, and Peter. He is the only living creature remaining that might understand me. I cannot ignore that.
The Beast Is Me (The Beast And Me Book 4) Page 4