The Slow Burn

by Caro Carson

  “It was a rhetorical question.”

  He wasn’t going to make this easy. She took a breath and kept moving forward. “I had no plans for anything when I went into labor. You must know that. But afterward, there we were, parked on the side of the road, the three of us. It felt like...that was it. That was the way it should be, it would be, from now on. The three of us.”

  He dropped his arms and turned to go.

  She dragged the stroller along as she hurried to plant herself in his path. “So, yes, I hadn’t planned it, but from that point on, I wanted you to love my baby along with me. Yes, I wished you were his father.”

  Caden looked disgusted. “No, you wished I was your ex-boyfriend.”

  “Well, now you are,” she snapped in frustration. “And you’re doing a lousy job of it.”

  He raised one eyebrow in disbelief.

  She gestured toward the stroller. “I don’t want to be enemies. This isn’t about just me.”

  “This isn’t about just me, either. You lied to everyone. Ruby thought there was a sperm donor. Your parents thought there was a sperm donor. You let the birth certificate go blank, because you didn’t want your parents to know...what? What could possibly justify that? Are they some kind of religious fanatics, and you lied so they wouldn’t think you’d had sex? I’ve been racking my brain, trying to think of any excuse for you, Tana. Any excuse.”

  “They weren’t mad at me for having sex and getting pregnant. They were mad because I got pregnant when they wanted me to start training for another Olympics.”

  “Another—what?” He literally stepped back. “You were in the Olympics?”

  Once more, she was forced to correct someone. “I was supposed to be, but I didn’t go. My parents thought my old coach, the one that picked me up at the ER after I fainted, they thought he wanted me to start seriously training again.”

  “For the Olympics.”

  “Right.”

  “Not once did you mention the Olympics.”

  “Why would I? I never went. I set a world record, though. The one-hundred-meter backstroke.”

  He was silent. Had she thought he’d be impressed?

  “It’s been broken since then. It was broken the next year, just like my husband had told me it would be.”

  “Your husband? Husband?” He stepped back.

  “Ex,” she added hastily, in case he thought she’d been cheating with him. “Ex-husband. Sorry. Ex. We’re divorced.”

  Caden paced away from her. “I don’t know you at all, Tana. I thought I knew you, but you never shared anything with me. Anything.” He punched his fist into his own heart, as if it had died and needed CPR.

  She hadn’t planned to talk about this. How had she swum so far out of her lane?

  “I was twenty. It lasted less than a year, but during that year, he convinced me to skip the Olympics. My parents had invested everything they had, for years, to enable me to train. They’d gotten me an endorsement deal, a million dollars to hold a can of soup. Instead, I eloped. My parents have never forgiven me.”

  Caden kind of fell back against the wall, like standing was just too much.

  “The hardest thing was that I’d let down the whole United States of America. We didn’t medal in my event that summer. Not even bronze.” She twisted her hands together. “For ten years, I thought everyone from my old life hadn’t forgiven me, either, until my former coach recommended me to Masterson. This year was my big chance to redeem myself. My parents think I’ve wasted my talent, but I wanted to prove to them I’m using it. I’m valuable, still, in the swimming world. I’m coaching kids with the potential to be future Olympians.”

  Caden just looked up into the rafters, shaking his head.

  “My coach and I got to be friends this year, after I fainted in January. He said no one had ever been mad at me. They blamed my husband, because he was one of the trainers, and he was older. Thirty-three. He should have known not to fraternize with a swimmer on the job.”

  “Thirty-three to your twenty?”

  “I know. My parents are furious that I was such a sucker.” She let go of her hands. “Anyway, that’s the history with my parents. It’s relevant, because they thought Jerry was a bad person, too, as selfish as my ex-husband. But when I told them I was pregnant, they demanded that I marry a selfish, bad person.”

  My parents were willing to sacrifice me to maintain their propriety. There was no bottom to humiliating conversations with Caden, still.

  “Jerry said he didn’t care if I had the baby or not, and he went off to Peru. He cut me out of his life like I’d never been there. So, when my parents started hammering me about how bad my judgment still was, I said Jerry had nothing to do with this pregnancy. It was true. He had refused to be part of it. But you’re right, it was a relief when they jumped to the wrong conclusion.

  “I think that answers the question on why I didn’t tell my parents Jerry was the father. And Ruby...” She forced herself to chuckle. “I told her the truth this week. She called Jerry an ass and told me to wear my sexiest shorts and your plaid shirt to get you back. Pretty Ruby of her, huh?”

  Caden only scrubbed his jaw with his palm.

  “You also had a question about the birth certificate. How could I leave the father’s name blank? That wasn’t up to me. Texas law prevents me from naming anyone as the father, unless he’s legally my husband. Otherwise, I can’t name any other man, unless he signs a form first, acknowledging his paternity. When you told my mom and dad that I could leave the name blank without an explanation, that wasn’t technically correct. I had to leave the name blank. But I appreciated having you on my side. Thank you.”

  Caden finally looked at her instead of the rafters, but he was looking at her like he’d never seen a creature before who was as bizarre as she was.

  “I have no legal power to name Jerry as the father, but I also can’t deny Jerry his paternity. He could go to court and demand a paternity test and have himself put on the birth certificate. That’s what I meant, when I said he could do that. I didn’t mean I’d make him do that.”

  Caden started scowling again.

  Tana kept slogging forward. “I said that because I thought it would prove to you that he had no interest in being a father. If he really wanted to be Sterling’s father, I couldn’t stop him, even if I was as cruel as you think I am. But I’m not cruel. He came back, after you left. I told him I wouldn’t dispute it if he signed one of those official declarations of paternity. They’re online. He could just print one off and fill it out. I offered to file it for him to update the birth certificate.”

  “What did he say?”

  “He left for Nepal. It’s a two-year trip. His last words were ‘I’m not stupid enough to sign that. Good luck collecting child support from the Himalayas.’”

  “Why didn’t you tell me this?”

  “This is the first time I’ve seen you since that night.”

  “I mean all of this. The Olympics and the marriage and your parents. All of it. Any of it, at any time in the past year.” Caden was furious, still. It was all aimed at her, in the way he frowned at her, the way his eyes bored into her. “We were friends, Tana. Friends.”

  “I didn’t want to lose you. If I listed all of the bad decisions I’ve made in my life, you wouldn’t want to be my friend.” She used the heel of her hand to wipe her cheek. “I was right. Now you know, and now you aren’t my friend.”

  His expression went blank. She wished he would look at her with the expression he’d had ten days ago, when he’d held her head between his hands and told her nobody was leaving anyone.

  “Is there anything else?” he asked, but the flat tone of his voice neither encouraged or discouraged any response.

  “That was all of your questions.”

  He said nothing. He did nothing.

  She needed eve
ry ounce of fierce determination she could muster in order to keep going. “You said that when you love someone, you want to give them what they need. I love you, even if that’s not worth anything to you. I love you, and I love Sterling. You and Sterling need each other, so I want you to have each other. The answers to your questions might not be good ones, but I’m hoping you’ll stop thinking of me as your enemy. I don’t want you to avoid Sterling just to avoid me.”

  Buzzers sounded loudly overhead, followed by the dispatcher’s voice over the loudspeakers in the bay. “Smoke reported. Kitchen fire at restaurant. Engine 37.”

  The sudden noise startled Sterling awake.

  Caden was the only person who held still as the bay came alive all around them. The loudspeaker repeated Engine 37 and added Rescue 37, too. Men and women in navy blue came out of the offices and the living quarters and headed to the vehicles.

  Tana unbuckled the baby and picked him up. He was so pitiful when he was tearful and scared. She kissed his cheek and held him close.

  Caden finally moved, but only to pick up the stuffed animal that had been left behind in the stroller. “What’s this?”

  She’d made it herself, out of Caden’s shirt. It was just a flat pillow, really. She’d cut the plaid into two silhouettes of a Scotty dog, stitched them together and stuffed them with cotton. It had killed an hour or two on a sleepless night, but she’d really done it because it had killed the temptation to wear Caden’s shirt when she was feeling low. That would only make her feel lower now, a maudlin reminder of what she’d lost.

  “I assumed you wouldn’t want me wearing your shirt around town like I’m your girlfriend. I should have returned it, but I’d worn it out, honestly. Sterling is so familiar with it, and he misses you, so—”

  Buzzers silenced her.

  “I have to leave.” Caden tossed the pillow into the stroller.

  “Will you come by sometime? I’ll leave, so you won’t have to see me in order to see the baby, okay?”

  “No, it’s not okay. None of this is okay.”

  The disappointment was crushing, pushing her down, pulling her under. She’d failed, but dear God, she’d tried.

  Sterling whimpered and her own eyes watered, but she held her head high. “I know I lied, and I know you’re angry, but you lied, too. You said you’d never leave me. You may have been sitting at my table when I came in that night, but Caden, you were already gone.”

  In the middle of the rush around them, as engines rumbled and loudspeakers blared, the silence between them was deafening.

  Javier shouted for Caden. “Lieutenant.”

  The team kept the doors of the fire engine open at all times and their bunker gear by the doors, so they could be dressed and on the road in seconds. Keith already had his boots and turnout pants on.

  Caden turned toward the engine.

  Turned back.

  “Are you going to be home tonight?” he asked.

  The sudden burst of hope hurt. Maybe she hadn’t failed to give the people she loved most what they needed most.

  He started jogging backward toward his gear, waiting for her answer.

  “Yes, please come see Sterling. He’ll be so happy.”

  Caden nodded, but he looked more troubled than ever as he turned away. He stomped into his boots. While he pulled the yellow suspenders of his turnout pants over his shoulders, he shouted to Javier, who was already behind the wheel. “No sirens. Baby ears in the bay.”

  He climbed into the cab with his coat still unfastened. The flashing lights came on, and the massive wheels started to roll. Tana pressed her baby’s head against her chest and covered his ear, but no sirens wailed until Engine 37 was down the street, because Caden had been taking care of Sterling.

  Tana had gotten her wish. He was going to be the perfect ex-boyfriend.

  She ran as fast as she could, but her tears started to fall long before she reached her apartment.

  Chapter Twenty-One

  Sometimes, where there was smoke, there was no fire at all.

  Caden and his team, plus Rescue 37 and its team, had wasted their time on a false alarm at the restaurant. They headed back to the station, crawling through traffic without lights and sirens.

  Caden couldn’t stand the pace. He needed to be doing something, breaking down doors, releasing trapped heat before it could blow apart a building.

  He needed to see Tana.

  He’d screwed up. The smoke had been there, billowing, overwhelming. She’d lied about how she’d gotten pregnant. He’d been blindsided by a man claiming to be Sterling’s father—a man who was actually Sterling’s father. Caden had felt betrayed. He’d abandoned the scene, leaving it to burn itself out unattended.

  But there’d been no fire. Tana had stood in the bay an hour ago, answering his questions one after another, and he’d realized that he’d completely blown the most important relationship of his life. Her parting words had cut him to the quick: You lied, too. You said you’d never leave.

  Yet he’d walked out on her, ten days ago.

  He ripped off his headset, then scrubbed his hand through his hair.

  “You okay there, Lieutenant?”

  “Fine.”

  But he saw the worried look Javier and Keith exchanged.

  “I’m fine.”

  He would never be fine again. He’d done a damn good job at extinguishing every last flicker of trust Tana might have had in him. Trust couldn’t be easy for her to give, not with the past he hadn’t known about until today. All this time, she had believed he would want to be with her only if he never knew about her past mistakes. And damn it—damn him—he’d proved her right. Jerry—her latest mistake—had tried to walk in, and Caden had walked out.

  It wouldn’t be easy for him to earn her trust again. She’d given up trying to call him. She’d stopped coming by his house. She’d cut up his goddamned shirt. The relationship was dead.

  He didn’t know what to do, but he had to try something, anything. He couldn’t live without Tana as part of his life. Tana and the precious baby she’d named—

  Sterling.

  They both loved that baby. Caden would start there. Tana wanted him to spend time with Sterling. When she offered to leave, he’d ask her to stay. They’d play with the baby together. Feed him in the high chair together. Have their own dinner together, one night. Go for a run together, one day. It would take time, but little by little, he’d earn the right to say I love you again.

  Their engine’s next call was legitimate, if boring. A minor car accident brought them south of town. While they got everyone out of the wrecked vehicles easily enough, a new report of smoke in town came over the radio. That would normally be their call, but since they were on this scene, Engine 23 from the next station north was dispatched to cover it.

  Caden applied a little antiseptic to a few scrapes as Rescue 23 was called out on the radio. A minute later, Ladder 37 was sent from their house. He didn’t have to tell Javier to wrap it up, but he got his rookie’s attention as he headed toward the engine.

  “Keith. Let’s go. Sounds like it’s going to be a second alarm.” They left the police in charge and started rolling back to town.

  It took them a minute to find the channel that all the responding units had switched to. The chatter was brisk. Fully involved structure, flames visible. Chief on the scene. As expected, the second alarm went out: more units requested. They hit their lights and sirens as the dispatcher gave them their destination. “Engine 37. Planchet Apartments, Felton Avenue.”

  Tana’s address.

  The whole team cursed, then they fell silent as they listened for evacuation reports. Caden’s pulse was loud in his ears. Tana and Sterling. They were there, waiting for him to get off his shift and stop by. They’d ordered their lives around his stiff acceptance of their invitation to visit. They were in a burning
building because of him.

  Nobody spoke. The team on the Alpha side of the building—the front face—reported that the elevator shaft was the source of the fire. It was far too close to Tana’s apartment, far too close to the stairwell she used.

  Protocol labeled the four sides of the building, of any building, alpha, bravo, charlie, delta—a, b, c, d—so that fire teams could communicate their locations with less confusion. Tana’s side would be the Charlie side of the building. Charlie tenants were being guided to the far stairwell on the Delta side of the building. Charlie and Delta were still evacuating as the building burned.

  They could see flames as they arrived. Tana and Sterling, my God, not Tana and Sterling...

  “Engine 37 on scene.” Caden radioed their status, shocked that he could still speak at all as fear stopped his heart. One second later, he jumped out of the truck feeling so alert, so alive, he was ready to break down every door in the whole damned building, if that was what it took to get to Tana and Sterling.

  The fire chief directed them over the radio. Caden’s team was designated to be next on the roof to cut ventilation holes so the heat could escape. Ladders were already in place to scale the three-story building, set by the team that was up there now. Caden and his team grabbed their power saws and iron pikes, then moved to the front of the row of vehicles, where they were supposed to wait on bended knee, conserving their energy until they were called into action.

  Firefighters could only last so long in the smoke and fire. It was exhausting work, so they had to tag team with other units, like a relay race. The initial team on the roof was coming up on twenty minutes of incident time. They’d be pulled out, and Caden’s team would be sent up.

  He keyed the mic on his radio. “Incident time?”

  The dispatcher answered. “Incident time, fourteen minutes.”

  They’d go in at twenty. To hell with resting on one knee. Caden had six minutes to find Tana before he got sent to the roof. He left his chainsaw with Javier and strode down the lawn, parallel to the sidewalk where the residents and onlookers were congregated. With an air tank on his back and his helmet on his head, he headed for the Delta side of the building, where Tana would have been evacuated, if she’d been evacuated.