Teacher Misery
Page 4
Maybe if we had known that this word is as explosive as the word “cunt” we would have disciplined the young man who used it consistently towards another student. But she took matters into her own hands. This ninety-pound freshman had had enough of being called a roller in the hallway every day. She brought a huge kitchen knife to school and when the gigantic senior football star called her a roller she promptly took out the knife and stabbed him, as hard as she could, in the shoulder. There was blood everywhere, splattered across the floor and lockers. This occurred right outside of my classroom. Everyone was screaming as loud as they could, and many were cheering. Another teacher ran to the boy’s aid. While helping the injured student off the floor, he got blood all over himself. Several students took pictures of this and posted them on various social networks. The local news stations quickly got a hold of these images and reported that the teacher had been stabbed. His poor family didn’t know what was going on for several hours.
The boy needed a lot of stitches but was ultimately okay. The girl fled the school but was eventually caught. Amazingly she was expelled from school (This is amazing because they don’t usually expel students for things like this). I can’t help but wonder, was she not allowed back because she didn’t have parents with lawyers who advocated for her right to an education? (More on this later.)
Other teenage vocabulary I have recently learned includes:
BAE (n) - Danish word for feces; term used to refer to a regular companion with whom one has a romantic or sexual relationship
Tom may be Daisy’s husband, but Gatsby is (her) bae.
BAIT (n) - a person who others find extremely attractive
Kids cannot fathom how Madonna used to be the bait.
BANDO (n) - an abandoned house in an impoverished neighborhood, most often used for drug dealing, see also TRAPPIN
Harold no longer comes to school because he now devotes himself full-time to trappin out da bando.
BASIC (adj) - any person, place or activity that is unsophisticated
Only a basic student would try to slap her teacher.
BEAST (adj) - excellent; extremely impressive
This custard is beast.
BLOWN (adj) - sad or displeased because someone or something has failed to fulfill one’s hopes or expectations
My scooter won’t start so I’m blown.
BOOSTED (adj) - feeling deep pleasure or satisfaction; very enthusiastic and eager
Even though I failed English, I’m still going to graduate so I’m feeling rather boosted.
BOP (n) - a female who performs oral sex on many men
(v) - to perform oral sex on a man
Seymour could not get anyone to bop him due to his poor personal hygiene.
BOSS (adj) - An adjective used in many situations describing something or someone that is superior.
Analyzing English literature is boss.
BRICK (adj) - extremely cold
Make sure you wear your mittens, for it is quite brick outside.
BRUH (n) - similar to the slang term “bro,” an affectionate way to refer to a friend; also used as a general declaration of being overwhelmed or exhausted, see also CUZ
After taking the Scholastic Achievement Test, I turned to my friend, threw my head back, and uttered, “Bruh.”
BUST (v) - to take action in a fight; see also POP OFF
Hershel was the first person to bust during the fight.
CLAPPER (n) - a promiscuous woman (specifically describes the details of her overused private parts)
Hester Prynne was considered a clapper.
CRACKIN (adj) - fashionably attractive or stylish
Those lederhosen that Hans was wearing were crackin!
CUZ (n) - a comrade or companion, often used as a term of address, see also BRUH
Winthrop is my cuz from my days in the dormitory at Harvard.
DONK (n) - a very round, attractive pair of buttocks
Sit your donk down before I throw you out the goddamned window.
FOB (n) - short for “fresh off the boat;” an immigrant who has not lived in the country for very long
The children tried to get the FOB to say inappropriate comments in English.
GUAP (n) - a considerable amount of money
Public school teachers do not make a lot of guap.
GUH (adj) - referring to when someone/something is irritating or annoying
The rowdy students got me guh.
GUMP (n) - a coward
No one expected Fred to show up to the fight because he is a gump.
JAH (adv) - very; extremely; quite
At the end of the school year, I am jah burnt out.
JOINT (n) - general noun for any object
Can you pass me that joint? (In this case, it means pencil)
JONIN (v) - to make jokes or insults towards another person
The student wore wooden clogs and everyone was jonin on him.
LIT (adj) - impressive; favorable
When asked to describe his trip to Tibet, Franz replied with a mere word: “lit.”
LOAFIN (v) - Being lazy
Students don’t want to get up off the floor when they are loafin.
LUNCHING (v) - acting foolishly; to lie, sit, or stand in a relaxed or lazy way
I meant to come to the office for extra help, but instead I was lunching in the hallway.
NAH (v) - used to express dissent, denial, or refusal, as in response to a question or request; often used after “or” to obtain an answer to a pressing question
Will you be attending the inaugural ball or nah?
OG (adj) - short for “original gangster;” an older person who is still hip
I did not know that when my students said I’m OG it was a compliment.
ON FLEEK (adj) - having all the required or desirable elements, qualities, or characteristics as to be considered perfect
The winner of the National Merit Scholarship must have grades that are on fleek.
PEEP (v) - to direct one's gaze toward someone or something or in a specified direction
As I read the newspaper, my grandfather requested that I peep the scores of the latest squash championship.
POP OFF (v) - a command used to let one’s opponent know that you are ready to fight; see also BUST
If you are ready to fight me, then pop off!
RATCHET (adj) - lacking good manners, refinement, or grace (of a person or their appearance or behavior); see also BASIC
The way the student was grinding her behind upon the crotches of others at the homecoming dance was truly ratchet.
SALTY (adj) - angry; upset
When students grade-grub, it gets me salty.
SICE (v) - to cause strong feelings of enthusiasm and eagerness
The pending break had the students siced.
SIDE JOINT (n) - person with whom one engages in intercourse with outside of their main relationship (the official sexual partner or spouse would be referred to as the “main joint”)
Abigail was John Proctor’s side joint.
SMASH (v) - have sexual intercourse
If a man smashes a lot of girls he is a stud, but a woman is considered a roller.
SNEAK DIS (v) - to insult someone’s character or appearance in a sneaky or sarcastic way
I cannot help but sneak dis my students who have names such as Sha’Nationality.
SPRUNG (adj) - deeply in love; obsessed
Gatsby was sprung for Daisy.
SQUAD (n) - an informal group of individuals who share the same interests
The English Department is my squad.
SWEET (adj) - a weak, feminine, or homosexual male Just because my boyfriend wears my panties doesn’t mean he’s sweet.
THIRSTY (adj) - Having keen interest or intense desire
Myrtle Wilson was so thirsty in that scene.
THE PLUG (n) - A supplier of illegal substances
I was shocked to learn that Mortimer was the plug for the entire school.
THOT (n) - acronym for “that hoe over there;” characterized by or having numerous sexual partners on a casual basis; see also CLAPPER
Abigail Williams was nothing but a cheap thot.
TRAPPIN (v) - The act of dealing or selling illegal drugs for the accumulation of wealth (The TRAP is the place where the drugs are sold)
Harold no longer comes to school because he now devotes himself full time to trappin out da bando.
THROWING SHADE (v) - To publicly denounce or disrespect
Some people throw shade at the government’s failure to provide an adequate and permanent healthcare system for all of its citizens.
TURNT (adj) - a state of altered consciousness induced by alcohol or narcotics
The student was so turnt that he could barely open his eyes.
UNK (n) - Usually refers to a crack addict; can also be used when talking to someone with “crack head” characteristics or tendencies
When you have an argument with yourself, you look like an unk.
YEET (n) - Term used to express excitement
Only 20 years until retirement! Yeet!
ENOUGH TO BE HORRIFYING
Geraldine was awake for most of the class on this particular day but was staring endlessly into her lap. I figured she was on her phone or doing work for another class so I asked her several times to pick her head up. She responded for a moment, and then returned to whatever was so interesting in her crotch. Finally, I walked over to her and saw that she had cut her wrists with a pair of dull scissors. The cuts were not really deep, but deep enough to be horrifying. I gasped, and demanded that she go to the nurse. She shook her head no. I told another student to walk her to the nurse and Geraldine got up and reluctantly left the room. She returned to school the next day, and I never heard about the incident again. When I inquired about her mental health, I was told that it was confidential information and that she was fine.
THE GIANT, WRITHING PETRI DISH
When I was interning, my supervisor gave me a piece of advice for my first year. “Don’t ever be absent in your first year, even if you have to crawl to work,” he told me. Those words really stuck with me, but I wonder if he had ever seen anyone get as sick as I got in my first year.
My body had been used to somewhat sanitary conditions for the previous four years. While college dorms are not the most sterile of environments, they are cleaned regularly and have a small percentage of people walking the halls at one time. Other than traveling on an airplane a few times, my immune system hadn’t been given much of a challenge until I started working at a school with thousands of teenagers. I washed my hands constantly and carried a can of Lysol like a concealed weapon, but it didn’t prevent me from getting two Clostridium difficile infections (better known as C diff). C. diff is a bacterial infection of the colon that causes symptoms ranging from diarrhea to life-threatening inflammation of the colon. It certainly felt life threatening.
It started with severe abdominal pain one night and became so intense that I fainted. It also involved defecating blood. After a battery of tests in the ER, they informed me that I had contracted a bacterial infection that is almost always caught from working in a hospital or nursing home. I assured them that I had not been to either recently. I said that I work in a huge school and they insisted that I must have been in a hospital or nursing home to catch such a severe case. Nope, I realized, I just work in a giant, writhing petri dish. Although they said it was very unlikely that I would suffer from the same infection twice, one month later I found myself bleeding into the toilet yet again. I thought about what my supervising teacher said about crawling to work and I decided that an inflamed colon was a good enough reason to take the day off.
Stress is obviously a major contributing factor to a weakened immune system, and the average person’s immune system has never experienced stress like that of an American high school teacher. I once worked with an intern who claimed to have an immune system of steel. She maintained that she hadn’t had a cold since she was a little kid. In her second week of student teaching, she developed what looked like a pimple on her lip. She ignored it but it kept getting bigger and bigger until one morning she woke up with a boil the size of a golf ball hanging off of her bottom lip. It turned out to be a Staph infection, which apparently 25% of the human population carries in their mouth, nose, genitals and anus.*
In my first year, there was another first-year teacher who took the “never miss a day” thing very seriously. She fought very hard to make it through one particularly difficult day. She was extremely dizzy, had the chills and sweats at the same time, and terrible abdominal pain. She looked at her desk and could barely understand the paperwork. Her mind was so fuzzy that she couldn’t come up with the lesson plan for the day or even make something else up. Driving home was very difficult. She couldn’t concentrate. It turned out that she had gotten an intestinal parasite.
I was never a chronic hand washer, but after my first year of teaching I became obsessed with washing my hands and spraying all surfaces with Lysol. I even spray the general vicinity of particularly germy students. I may have dry hands, but at least I haven’t had any parasites recently.
*Perhaps it was the stress of her students drawing pictures of her and writing “fugly” underneath it that weakened her immunity.
A.D.D. A.K.A. THE GET OUT OF WORK FREE CARD
According to U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention data, approximately 11 percent of school-age children in the United States — and 19 percent of high-school-age boys — have been diagnosed with attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder. Of the 150 students I teach in completely mainstream (not special education or inclusion) classes, about 20% have been diagnosed with attention deficit disorder or attention deficit hyperactivity disorder, which is right on target with the CDC’s statistics.
Each student with an A.D.D. or A.D.H.D. diagnosis receives special accommodations to put them on an equal playing field with the other students, including extended time for homework, tests, papers, projects, etc. Most also have a right to preferential seating. They are also entitled to special notes that I am supposed to prepare for them in their preferred formats (like charts). I don’t have a problem with this, for those students who actually have this disorder. But I can’t help but feel that A.D.D. is becoming an excuse for many other things and it is getting way out of hand.
Many other students in my mainstream classes have a 504 Plan, which means they have been identified as having some kind of learning disability and get certain accommodations in class, such as textbooks that have been pre-highlighted, extended time on tests and assignments, a peer note taker, a preferred schedule and teacher selection, personal teacher check-ins, written step-by-step instructions, reduction in workload, frequent breaks, alternative reading materials, alternative testing formats such as verbal exams etc. The most common disability my students have that require these accommodations, besides A.D.D., is Executive Functioning Disorder. This is defined as an inefficiency in planning, organization, strategizing, paying attention to and remembering details, and managing time and space. I would imagine many teenagers would qualify for this disability if tested.
Keep in mind, again, that I am not a special education teacher and I do not teach inclusion classes (Inclusion classes have mainstream students mixed with special ed. students. There is both a subject teacher and a special ed. teacher in the room). I teach “regular” English classes and I have no formal or informal training to handle students with special needs.
I get daily emails from parents reminding me that their child has A.D.D. or E.F.D. and will need a lot of extra time on an assignment, or will need to redo something they did poorly on because they have A.D.D. and need more chances to get it right.
During Back to School Night I had a parent literally corner me in the five minutes I have between classes (which I usually spend shaking hands with parents). She said the following, “My son Chuck has A.D.D. so he won’t be handing in most of hi
s homework.” She said this quite forcefully, as though I had to agree. Before I could answer her, she said, “Chuck is extremely gifted so he needs a lot of extra help. But don’t expect him to do any homework, you know, because of his A.D.D.” I just nodded and said, “Oh okay.” After that little interaction I didn’t expect Chuck to do homework, so when I entered all those zeros into the grade book it wasn’t a surprise to me. But it was quite a surprise to Chuck’s mom who promptly emailed me asking what all the zeros were for. Let’s just say she had to speak to the administration, because she felt those zeros shouldn’t count against her gifted son’s grade. Chuck, by the way, was generally too stoned to even lift his head off the desk.
On the first day of school one year, I received the following letter in my mailbox:
Dear Teachers,
My name is Vlad and I'll be your student this year. I like to let my teachers know that I have Asperger’s syndrome and what that means. According to Wikipedia, Asperger’s is one of the autism spectrum disorders or pervasive developmental disorders, which are a spectrum of psychological conditions that are characterized by abnormalities of social interaction and communication that pervade the individual's functioning, by restricted and repetitive interests and behavior. Here is a list of the specific symptoms that I might demonstrate in class:
• General social skills: I want to socialize but I do not understand how to interact.
• Relating to others: I do not understand emotions or how to use social cues accurately in a group situation. I may not understand if an activity or conversation is upsetting to another person and I will probably state that I find the activity boring or stupid.
• Difficulty working with others: I may not understand how to interact with my peers or how to play by common social rules. I generally cannot do group work because I end up arguing with everyone.
• Problems with two-way conversation: I have trouble with initiating and maintaining a two-way conversation. I may appear to talk at someone rather than with him. I can seem angry too but I’m not. Conversation topics may focus on my obsessive interests, like wizardry. I also speak inappropriately, often too loudly, but I don’t know it.