Teacher Misery
Page 9
• One student defecated on the stage in the auditorium, one in the stacks of the school library, and another on the staircase during school hours. This was confirmed through security camera footage. Students often shit in the bathroom sink (or shit somewhere else and move it to the sink). One student shit in a bag and left it in the classroom.
• A student stole one book each week from the school library and smeared feces on the pages before returning them. He was caught through his public tweets about it.
• A group of male students created a game called “Rappelling” where they would jump off the roof of a three-story house to see whose injuries would be the most severe. The kid who needed his head stapled back together won.
• Another group of male students decided to run through a crowded mall completely naked. One got arrested.
• The same group of students pooled all of their pocket change, bought hundreds of tacos and burritos at Taco Bell, and put them into the pockets of various garments at expensive department stores.
• Several groups of male students were caught punching each other in the testicles with great force during lunch. They claimed they were playing a game called “Sack Tapping.”
• “Forking” is a new trend among local teens. It involves sticking thousands of forks into the front lawn of an enemy’s house. My school was “forked.” Cleaning up after this was not a great use of the custodians’ time.
• A teacher who is hated by many students had her house “forked,” but attached to the forks were maxi pads with tomato sauce poured on them.
• For their senior prank, a group of students decided to spray-paint all of the classroom doors in different neon colors. They did this directly in front of security cameras while wearing their senior class sweatshirts with their last names written on them.
• A few years ago, students at my school thought it would be funny to drop LSD into the water bottle of their teacher. He began hallucinating in front of them and had to be hospitalized. It wasn’t funny.*
*Okay, it was a little funny.
FROM THE FRONTLINES
Part I
I asked a group of elementary, middle and high school teachers to describe the most challenging, absurd or outrageous incident they have had in the classroom. This is what I received:
“I was purposely tripped and pushed to the ground when I was six months pregnant.”
“A major drug ring was busted in my class. They found 3 lbs. of hash.”
“My student entered the class covered in blood and calmly sat down after trying to kill someone outside my door.”
“When my back was turned a student slammed his head extremely hard onto a desk because he wanted to quell the voices in his head.”
“The time a middle schooler was fighting, had his teeth knocked out, grabbed them out of his mouth and threw them, hitting the counselor in the head, and kept fighting.”
“Two boys in kindergarten pulled out their private parts and showed the class what they were working with.”
“A kid pulled out a molar with his bare hands.”
“Some kindergarteners play with themselves during naptime.”
“On my first day of class at a new school, a student took off all his clothes, peed, and sprawled out on the floor, refusing to get up.”
“During a fight between an 8th-grade girl and a 7th-grade boy, a co-worker tried to restrain the boy. The kid bit the teacher’s nipple through his shirt and he had to get stitches.”
“A kid dropped trou, laid cable in the hall and then stepped in it, tracking it all the way down the hallway.”
“I had to stop one kindergartener from shoving a frosted mini wheat up another student’s ass.”
“A 5th grader was playing with her feces in the bathroom and fell asleep in it.”
“7th-grade boys tried to gouge each other’s eyes out.”
“3rd graders bitch slapping each other.”
“I had a student store poop in his desk.”
“One of my kindergarteners stabbed another student with a pair of safety scissors that went right through his hand.”
“I had a student cut his legs while yelling that he was a vampire. Then he licked his blood and hissed at us.”
“In the middle of literature class, kids lit up a joint and began passing it.”
“A massive fight broke out because a girl blocked the TV for a second. One of the girls ended up topless and refused to put her shirt back on.”
“During a massive tantrum, a 3rd grader threw a chair at my head and I had to get stitches.”
REALLY REAL EMAILZ: STUDENT EDITION
From: Pablo the student
To: English Teacher
Subject: Test Today
Hi, the world cup is on tv today the same time as the final. Can I be excused so I can watch it? I really really really want to watch it!
From Pablo
From: Vern the student
To: English Teacher
Subject: My Grade
I'm going to be honest here, I'm extremely disappointed with my grade that I got on the final exam especially because this test is worth so many points, and it is going to effect my grade drastically. I studied really hard for this so I was not expecting this. I've worked really hard at this class, and feel like I personally deserve the A that I earned in this class, because of all the hours and effort I put in and this one test is going to bring my whole grade down, along with my GPA. So if the test brings down my overall grade is there anything I can do to bring up my grade, like anything? My grade is really upsetting me and I know that it isn’t my fault if I didn’t do well because I studied and did the work so maybe the teaching wasn’t that good. But please let me know if there is anything I can do.
Thanks,
Vern
From: Mildred the student
To: English Teacher
Subject: My Grade
Dear Ms. Morris,
I know you said that you would return our projects on Monday, but I need to know what my grade is now because if my project didn't pass, that would mean I'd have three failing grades already, and then I don't think I have a great chance of passing your class, so I wouldn’t need to do the paper that is due on Wednesday. So before Monday's class could you let me know if I passed the project so I know if I should do the paper? And if I didn't, could you explain why and if there's any way I can still pass your class?
I don't want to hear the bad news in class so please don’t wait, just email me. If I did as well as I hoped I did, then I can know ahead of time and get to school on time.
Thanks,
Mildred
From: Wanda, a former student
To: English Teacher
Subject: Wassup
Hey Ms. Morris, wanna chill? Can I getcha digits?
From: Franz the student
To: English Teacher
Subject: Email address
Hi Ms. Morris. I was just wondering if I could have your email address so I can send you my paper. Thanks!
Franz
(NOTE: Yes, this question was sent in an EMAIL.)
From: Wanda, your former student
To: English Teacher
Subject: Wassup
Wassup wit dat, Imma talk from da hood now. I email u and asked wassup and u never reply. Come on now dawg. Anyways do u have like another email and can I gettcha numbah plzzzzz and oh yea btw dun make me bring my ass up there and cut u up. JK. Imma tell you sumthing if you reply sumthing.
From: Archibald the student
To: English Teacher
Subject: Sorry
Dear Miss Morris,
They said I have to write you a letter of apology so I want to begin first by apologizing for disrespecting you. I know that it was rude of me. I should have never called you a “sexy thang.” I realize that this term is used as sexual harastment towards women. You are my teacher so I should respect you and everything. I’m sorry.
(NOTE: This was a “punishmen
t.”)
From: Boris the student
To: English Teacher
Subject: My grade
Umm so I know that I haven’t been coming to class and when I do I pretty much sleep the whole time but there is only a week left of school and I have a 23% and if I don’t pass I won’t graduate so can you please give me make up work. If you don’t I won’t graduate.
From: Thelma, someone else’s student
To: English Teacher
Subject: Second Opinion
Dear Ms. Morris,
I am a student in Mrs. Wagonwheeler’s 12th grade English class. My friend has you for the same class and I know you did the same paper as us. Mrs. Wagonwheeler gave me a bad grade on the paper and I worked very hard on it, and feel I do not deserve the grade I got. I’ve asked her if I can redo it but she keeps saying no. I would really appreciate it if you could also grade the paper because it makes up a big portion of my grade in the class. I put a copy of the paper in your mailbox, and I also attached it to this email. If you could email me back what grade you think I should get I would really appreciate it.
Thank you,
Thelma
From: Roy the student
To: English Teacher
Subject: Donation
Hi Miss, I’m asking my teachers to donate money for the signup fee for summer school. My mom don’t have enough money. If you want to leave it in your mailbox and I can pick it up later. Thank you!
(NOTE: Roy has only attended class twice the entire semester. This email was sent on the last day to register for summer school.)
From: Virgil the student
To: English Teacher
Subject: Protest
I am writing to protest the due date of the reading questions for next class. Considering this is one of the longest sections in the book, the speed seems excessive. In my personal life I have other things to do, and the Scarlet Letter is to me so dense and boring that it easily takes me an hour to read 20 pages; 40 pages would therefore take around two. I have other homework to do as well, and a personal life I’d like to maintain, and given time restraints I have prioritized all of these above your reading questions. I would not be as infuriated by this timing if you accepted late work, especially since this is homework. Finally, the reading questions themselves are ridiculous. You could say they shouldn't take much time, as there are only seven of them, but given that you seem to expect long answers for each one, the amount of work is frankly ludicrous. I will not be completing this assignment on time, and do to the reasons listed above, I expect you to accept my work late.
Virgil
From: Liesel the student
To: English Teacher
Subject: Comments on my papers
Dear Ms. Morris,
When giving feedback on my papers, I’d appreciate it if you would not put things in bold or use capital letters. It feels to me as if you are yelling at me, which I do not appreciate. I am trying my best to meet your requirements and I would greatly appreciate it if you could try to meet mine too.
Liesel
From: Thaddeus the student
To: English Teacher
Subject: tests i missed
Yo Miss Morris, i no i missed those other 2 tests from the begin of the yr so just count this one we bout to take 3 times (I wouldn't want to give u extra grading anywy)
Thnx Tad
From: Sigmund the Student
To: English Teacher
Subject: Beach Week!
Hey so like next week is beach week and I really wanna go so can I take the final early?
From: Brunhilda the Student
To: English Teacher
Subject: oops!
I brought you my college essay to edit yesterday and I know you said that you’d have it next week but I just realized that it’s actually due today and you have the only copy b/c I didn’t save it! Can you type it up for me with your edits and email it to me as soon as you can? I need it today!
Thanks!
From: Yurgin the student
To: English Teacher
Subject: Form!
Ms. Morris! I checked with my counselor this morning and she said she didn’t get the recommendation form I gave you yesterday! It is due today and I need it to get my transcript! Do the form TODAY!
Yurgin
II.PARENTS
“Teaching is not a lost art, but the regard for it is a lost tradition.”
Jacques Barz
THE CRAZY APPLE DOESN’T FALL FAR FROM THE CRAZY TREE
Earl was smart but lazy. He decided he hated me and my class after I gave an assignment that he refused to complete because it “violated his right to privacy.” The assignment was a research paper that every 12th grade student was required to complete. They were also required to hand in their paper through an internet-based plagiarism-detection service. The service merely asks the student to submit their paper, privately, and it checks their sources to make sure they are accurate. The reason the school began using this program is obviously because too many kids were cutting and pasting whole parts of their papers from the internet. They also copy from each other. I explained this to Earl. He fought me with an intense anger in class. He accused me of not trusting him. I said that I trust all of my students, but I was merely following school policy. He said I was “misguided.” I told him to speak to the head of the English department for any further grievances. The next morning, the department chair received the following letter on her desk:
To Whom It May Concern,
My name is Earl and I am currently a student in Ms. Morris’ third period class. Today, I am inquiring over the current policy that requires all students to use turnitin.com for their senior research paper. According to Ms. Morris, it is a fact that this is the policy for the entire English department. If this is so, I request my exemption from the use of turnitin.com or any other plagiarism recognition software due to my beliefs regarding cheating, human communication, technology and privacy.
A lot of people cheat. This is a cold, hard fact that many people have come to accept. While I do not condone cheating, I submit that education’s solution to cheating is to assume that everyone cheats. Thus, educational “tools” such as turnitin.com are used to patrol the already guilty students. Not only is this wrong upon many moral and ethical levels, but it fails to recognize the student as an equal and contributes to the breakdown of communication between students, teachers and administrators.
In our public schools, the aforementioned breakdown is a result of overzealous PTA members and bureaucratic administrators. Due to these inconveniences, teaching is no longer the undisputed priority of teachers. Now they are encompassed with menial tasks and ever expanding red tape beset by the image-focused administration. Instead of teaching, teachers spend their time filling out detrimental paperwork and are forced to spread the administration’s propaganda. Due to their limited time, simple yet important things like checking the sources of a student’s research paper are cut down and turned over to third parties like turnitin.com. Suffice to say, the mistrust of students has led to the technological implementations that oversee students, like this website, automated absentee messages, loss of credit notifications, online access to grade books and more.
In the 21st century, it is close to impossible to live in this country without the use of modern technology. While I am not a Luddite, I contend that technology has led to the breakdown of communication and social interaction. No longer do we talk face to face, but send text messages and emails. Upon this reason of thought, I cannot submit to the mechanical and robotic perils of turnitin.com.
Most importantly, this software entails the violation of privacy guaranteed to every United States citizen. Due to their wide database, strangers may be given access to my work. Simply put, I do not want John Doe from Anytown, U.S.A. reading a paper I wrote for my high school English class.
No one can deny that cheating is a prevalent issue in our society. While this may be the case, we cannot fo
rget the exceeding importance of human communication, and the right to privacy. The use of turnitin.com reinforces the misguided belief that students are not to be trusted. Nonetheless, I am asking you to exempt me from the use of this program and I also ask that you consider removing the policy completely.
Sincerely,
Earl
While some of what Earl said had merit, and I appreciated him taking a stand for overworked teachers everywhere, a lot of what he wrote was downright ridiculous. Regardless of how we felt about his argument, my boss decided to call his bluff. She called him into her office, along with me, and said that she read his letter and understood and respected his point of view. However, in lieu of the plagiarism detection site, Earl would need to print and photocopy every one of his sources, highlight each quote and create corresponding numbers for his bibliography instead. While this would require a substantial amount of work, compared to the ease of the website, she would have no problem with it, since it would not infringe on his right to privacy. After about ten seconds of silence Earl replied, “Fuck that. I’ll just use the site,” and with that he got up and left her office. For a young man with such conviction, he dropped his cause pretty quickly when faced with a little extra work.
A few days later I gave my classes their first journal assignment. Being a rookie teacher, I didn’t know about the creative/personal writing disclaimer that all teachers know to give. I only wanted to give my students a way to express themselves without being bogged down by harsh requirements. So I said, “The only requirement for journal entries is length and effort. The content is completely up to you. While I will give you a topic to start with, you may go in any direction you choose. Use stream of consciousness and don’t worry about spelling or grammar. Use your journal as a way to explore your mind.” (I now know that this must be promptly followed by this disclaimer: While I encourage you to be open and honest, I am still your teacher, and your journals must remain school appropriate. If you write anything alarming, such as wanting to hurt yourself or someone else, I have a legal responsibility to contact your counselor and the school administration. If you write anything that is blatantly inappropriate, I will have to take disciplinary action.)