Teacher Misery

by Jane Morris

  “But while he labored a pert partridge near, observed him from the covert of an oak, and whistled his unnatural delight. Know you the cause? 'Twas then a single bird, the first one of its kind. 'Twas never seen before the sister of Daedalus had brought him Perdix, her dear son, to be his pupil. And as the years went by the gifted youth began to rival his instructor's art. He took the jagged backbone of a fish, and with it as a model made a saw, with sharp teeth fashioned from a strip of iron. And he was first to make two arms of iron, smooth hinged upon the center, so that one would make a pivot while the other, turned, described a circle. Wherefore Daedalus enraged and envious, sought to slay the youth and cast him headlong from Minerva's fane,— then spread the rumor of an accident. But Pallas, goddess of ingenious men, saving the pupil changed him to a bird, and in the middle of the air he flew on feathered wings; and so his active mind— and vigor of his genius were absorbed into his wings and feet; although the name of Perdix was retained. The Partridge hides in shaded places by the leafy trees its nested eggs among the bush's twigs; nor does it seek to rise in lofty flight, for it is mindful of its former fall.”

  How does the poet structure these lines to add meaning to the events of the poem?

  a) He includes a flashback of the story of Perdix to show that Daedalus wanted to kill Perdix, and now Perdix enjoys a kind of revenge by seeing Daedalus mourning the death of his son.

  b) He includes a flashback of the story of Perdix to show that Perdix now lives in the shade but Icarus died trying to reach the sun.

  c) He includes a prediction that foretells that Daedalus will soon have to bury Perdix as well as his own son.

  d) He includes a prediction that foretells that Perdix will be fated to live an obscure life when he should have been a famous inventor.

  I have several advanced degrees in English and I’m only 85% sure the answer is A. So, how’d you do? Now try writing a literary analysis about the poem. Go on. Do it.

  IV. Damn Those Teachers and Their ‘93 Nissan Sentras!

  According to a report issued by Pearson entitled, “Preparing for a Renaissance in Assessment” our current standardized tests aren’t good enough though Pearson actually wrote many of them. The report notes that “without a systematic, data-driven approach to instruction, teaching remains an imprecise and somewhat idiosyncratic process that is too dependent on the personal intuition and competence of individual teachers.”[39] How do they plan on fixing the problem of imprecise and incompetent teachers? Replacing them with computers! The PARCC uses computer algorithms to robo-grade student essays. The report states as a fact that the PARCC consortium will use automated essay scoring.

  Speaking of the general putdown of teachers, Pearson’s chief education advisors and authors of the PARCC Peter Hill and Sir Michael Barber (two men who have never taught in an actual classroom for even one day) also argue that the discipline of teaching must progress into a more closely controlled profession which will make it much harder to become a teacher and much easier to fire one too. This would require eliminating the practice of “teaching as a largely under-qualified and trained, heavily unionized, bureaucratically controlled ‘semi-profession’ lacking a framework and a common language.”[40] After Pearson gets finished with the totally hopeless teaching world, it will be magically transformed “into a true profession with a distinctive knowledge base, framework for teaching, and well-defined common terms for describing and analyzing teaching at a level of specificity and strict control.”[41] Seriously, when have you ever heard a career that requires a Master’s Degree, several certificates which must be constantly renewed and a vast amount of training referred to as a “semi-profession?” Are there bad teachers? Of course! Just like any other profession, there are teachers who are burnt out, ineffective and/or just horrible people. But no other profession has those few failures color the public’s general feelings towards all of them. Pearson’s answer to the problem of teachers in general is to basically have all educational decisions made by their software and their system. Teachers will just be needed as a sort of supervisor or babysitter.

  IV. Beating the Dead Horse to a Bloody Pulp

  Whether or not you believe in standardized testing, you have to agree that our students are extremely overtested. Merely to take the PARCC exams, grades 3-8 will spend 10 hours testing. For high schoolers, it will take more than 11 hours. On top of that, high schoolers have to take a quarterly district exam, a midterm, a final, and several AP tests. Also, 10th graders take the PSAT and 11th and 12th graders take the SAT. The more ambitious students also take several SAT subject tests. Basically, the average high school student will spend between 20 and 30 school hours taking standardized tests. That is a lot of valuable instruction time that is wasted. Plus, it is just too much stress for a kid! According to education researcher Gregory J. Cizek, there is much research “illustrating how testing produces gripping anxiety in even the brightest students and makes young children vomit or cry, or both.”[42] In fact, vomiting during the test is so common that some tests come with instructions for the examiner on what to do with a test booklet if a student barfs on it.[43]

  In my classroom, the PARCC has made most students feel stressed out and inadequate. Even the highest achieving students find the tests exhausting and irrelevant. But for the struggling readers and writers in my classes, the consequences of these tests are much more serious. Many of my students read and write at a level that is many grades below where they should be. Several of my 10th graders read at a 3rd or 4th-grade reading level, for various reasons. The test is absolutely impossible for them. Most don’t even try, which is a typical response to being made to feel dumb. The ones that do try are extremely anxious and confused. They have a million questions though I cannot answer any of them. This test is sending them the message that college is not an option for them, which is not true. The experience is the same for many special education students. They get almost none of their testing accommodations during the test and it severely impacts their performance. As I said, the tests must be administered on Chromebooks, which have to be carefully unplugged and specifically assigned, and then carefully plugged back in and locked down. This takes an absurd amount of time, time that we do not have.

  V. Break Stuff

  Now that you know what a load of dung the Common Core tests are, you can go outside and throw things. Or you could join one of the many anti-testing movements that are rapidly growing. You have the right to opt your children out of any and all state standardized tests. United Opt Out and FairTest.org have guides for all fifty states. What happens to a child in a public school classroom is up to the parent. Do not let administrators scare you into taking tests. They may say that if you opt out the school will lose funding, it will harm the performance evaluation of your child’s teacher and your child will be kept back or punished. Most of these are empty threats, and legally they cannot do any of this.

  Many teachers have tried to support the opt-out movement by informing parents and students of their right to opt out and some have even refused to administer the test. Many face disciplinary action and possible termination. The power truly lies in the hands of the people on this one. Know your rights. Fuck those tests and fuck Pearson.

  WORDS OF WISDOM

  Several times a year, teachers are formally observed by administrators. They check to see that the teachers are following the curriculum, the school’s standards, controlling the classroom, etc. Specifically, on the observation form that the administrators use, it asks for comments on the following: mastery objective, agenda, evidence of rigor, key messages, relationships, active teaching strategies, differentiation, closure, engagement, routines, literary strategies and equitable practices.

  Here are some of the more interesting comments I’ve received from classroom observations made by administrators:

  • Why is there only one light on?

  • This is a wonky room with too much sunlight and a folding wall and too much extra space

 
• One of your curtains came down

  • Students drinking lemonade, Coke, Gatorade etc.

  • Open the blinds to let light in

  • Some of your blinds are not raised at the same level as the others

  • I can’t hear the student in the back who speaks low

  • One student is wearing a hat

  • One boy is drinking juice

  • Seats are too close together

  • Don’t sit with your legs like that (criss-crossed behind a desk)

  • Students are squirrelly

  • Calls students “guys”

  • When you write on the board, it isn’t in a completely straight line

  After one of my observations by the Ass. Principal, she asked me to meet with her to discuss how it went. She opened with the following comment, “I’ve been thinking about the issues you’ve been having with classroom discipline. You’re too nice. I’ve been doing this a long time and the best advice I can give you is to treat every student like a sack of shit, and then they will respect you.” At this point, I wasn’t going to argue with her. She had many, many years in the field. In the past when I tried to disagree with her she would put her hand up in a “stop” kind of way and say, “You’re a young teacher.” That was my cue to shut my ass up.

  Later that day she found me in class and asked if she could have a word with me. In the hallway she whispered, “Remember what I said before about treating students like sacks of shit? Please don’t tell anyone I said that.” Can you all keep a secret?

  FROM THE FRONTLINES

  Part 3

  I asked a group of elementary, middle and high school teachers to describe their most challenging or hilarious interactions with an administrator. Here is what I received:

  “The principal called me in to discuss the fact that parents had complained that I did not understand my subject enough to teach it. He cited a teaching group I am in as evidence which supports this. The group is state mandated for all teachers.”

  “Last week I sat on a hornet and was stung below the waist. I had a terrible allergic reaction and I was crying. They refused to let me go home.”

  “I was told to fail 1st graders who needed resources, then lie to parents about it so they would come back the next year.”

  “I worked at a charter school that was under investigation for money laundering. The principal said, ‘I’m about to retire so I’m not worried about them closing the school!’ to the entire staff.”

  “After my first evaluation, the assistant principal said to me, ‘I’m trying to think of something nice to say, but I just can’t think of anything. Are you sure you want to be a teacher?’ When I put in my resignation later that year she asked me what I was planning to do. I told her I still wanted to teach and she told me that I shouldn’t.”

  “I asked the assistant principal for ideas to help kids who couldn’t read. She told me to put them on a miracle computer program which was ‘better than a human teacher.’ Guess which kids made no growth?”

  “When I resigned my principal told me that my parents would be disappointed in me.”

  “When I asked the principal at my former school why male teachers got paid more than female teachers, and taught fewer classes, he told me ‘that’s just the way it is and there’s nothing you can do about it.’”

  “I had a male student choke me and they only suspended him for one day. They told me that I could not press charges because I had not filled out the proper paperwork. He was let back in the building the next day and I had the union call the administration. The admins told the union that they had detained him, which was a complete lie. He was roaming the halls freely.”

  “The fact that when we send kids to the administrator’s office for discipline there is never any punishment. The kids walk out laughing and don’t take anyone seriously.”

  “After demonstrating a lesson where students were engaged and obviously making progress, the principal’s only comment was, ‘Three students had their uniform shirts untucked.’”

  “My mother-in-law passed away and when I got back from the funeral I received an email from my principal that next time I would need to schedule my substitute ahead of time. So I guess I’ll just let my family know that they will have to schedule their deaths in advance.”

  “During my second year of teaching a tough female student pushed and threatened me. When she wasn’t suspended, I asked why. The principal’s response was, ‘That would have put her over on her days. You want her to graduate, don’t you?’”

  “The principal got mad that students were talking during a tornado drill and said into the loudspeaker, ‘If you talk during a real tornado you will DIE!’”

  “I shushed my class twice during an observation and I was told that that is an ineffective form of behavior management.”

  “Principal wrote that I ‘make good treats’ on my official evaluation.”

  “Principal observed me teaching a lesson on words that end in -ig and rhyme. She told me that I should have taken the opportunity to talk about weaves, because my students might not know what wigs are and I need to be culturally sensitive. These are 5-year-olds and weave does not rhyme with wig.”

  REALLY REAL EMAILZ: ADMINISTRATIVE EDITION

  From: English Teacher

  To: Every administrator in the building

  Subject: Office Action (Urgent)

  As a warm-up to introduce the class to each other on the first day of school, I asked the students to discuss what they would do with a million dollars. “Wally” called out that he would drive a bus into the school. The room became quiet. I asked him to clarify what he meant. He said that he has always wanted to drive a bus into the school and if he had a million dollars, he would buy a big bus and drive it into the front of the school. I told him that it isn’t funny to joke about such serious things, and he insisted that he was not joking.

  Follow-up: Three months later an administrator emailed me back and said, “Wally will be forced to attend academic support for a number of sessions.”

  From: Guidance Counselor

  To: Phil’s Former English Teachers

  Subject: Recommendation Question

  Phil Phart would like to take Honors English next year but was recommended for regular. Last year his grades in English were D, D, F. This year his grades were F, D, D. He scored low on his verbal PSAT and very low on his writing skills. I would appreciate any insights into the recommendation that he continue in regular English. I would also like to help him understand what skills he should work on to improve his grades in English.

  From: Phil’s former English teacher (not me)

  To: Guidance Counselor and Phil’s English Teachers

  Subject: Re: Recommendation Question

  Phil’s scores are not much higher than the lowest possible scores on the PSAT. He barely passed English. What evidence is there that he will do well in Honors? Just because a student wants a challenge does not mean they can handle it. Should students not need to qualify to be in a higher level class? Shouldn’t they be able to maintain at least a B in the lower class before being switched into the higher class? If not, then if Phil wants to be in the social club that Honors classes have become, let him. After all, where’s the rigor anymore?

  From: Guidance Counselor

  To: Phil’s Former English Teachers

  Subject: Re: Re: Recommendation Question

  Thank you. I will relay this information to Phil.

  From: English Teacher

  To: School Counselor

  Subject: Concern about Student’s Well-Being

  Hi. I am writing to express my concern about Ruth’s wellbeing. Today, she fell asleep at her desk, and I saw several cockroaches crawl out of her hair and down her neck into her shirt. This did not wake her up. I did not want to embarrass her, so I did not say anything. What can we do to check that her living conditions are suitable?

  From: School Counselor

  To: English Teacher


  Subject: Re: Concern about Student’s Well-Being

  Hi Ms. Morris. Thanks for letting me know. I’ll contact social services, but that usually leads nowhere. There is nothing more we can do.

  From: Harry’s Mom

  To: English Teacher

  CC: Harry’s Dad

  Subject: Concern about Student Breakfast

  Dear Ms. Morris,

  My husband and I are writing you concerning our son Harry and his inability to eat breakfast in your class. We have a very hectic morning, and there is simply no time for Harry to eat breakfast. Even if there was adequate time for him to eat, he is usually nauseous in the morning. We send Harry to school every day with breakfast hoping that he will eat it in class when he gets hungry. Yet he recently informed us that you have forbidden him from eating in your class, and that this is a non-negotiable rule. Please allow our son to eat breakfast in class from now on.

  Sincerely,

  Mr. & Mrs. Pitts

  From: English Teacher

  To: Mr. & Mrs. Pitts

  CC: Ass. Principal

  Subject: Re: Concern about Student Breakfast

  Hello Mr. & Mrs. Pitts,

  I am sorry that Harry is not able to eat breakfast in the morning. I agree that this is an important start to a student’s day. Unfortunately, it is a school mandated rule that students do not eat or drink anything (besides water) outside of the cafeteria due to various issues such as cockroaches and mice. Perhaps you can find a little extra time in the morning for Harry to eat?