Prepared to Fight

by E. J. Shortall

  “I can’t do that,” I said. “I’ve not been with the company that long, and I love my job and the people I work with. They’ve taken huge risks on me, giving me accounts… like your account… that someone with my lack of experience wouldn’t normally get. I can’t throw that back in their faces. I won’t. I need more experience under my belt, and I want to get that with Ashworth-Moore. I’m not going to risk losing a job that means so much to me.” I hoped my pleading tone was enough to convince him I meant every word.

  He stepped in front of me and stared into my eyes. “What better project to have in your portfolio than plans for GO and Nathan Oakes’ passion project. Think about it, Liv. I’m well known, influential. When the facilities open, people from around the world will want to use the buildings purely because of who I am. That’s a prestigious string to add to your bow.”

  “It’s just not a good idea. I’m sorry, but I can’t,” I whispered sadly. I wasn’t only thinking of my career, I was also thinking about my heart. Things had already tipped on a weird axis between the two of us. Spending any length of time together like that in a foreign country, away from the hustle and bustle of normal life, was just a recipe for disaster.

  Nate seemed to understand my meaning but didn’t look happy. His shoulders dropped and any hopefulness that had been there drained away. I hated being the one to cause that defeated look on his handsome face.

  “Please, just think about it. That’s all I’m asking,” he pleaded, reaching out to place a warm, large hand on my shoulder and squeezing gently.

  I looked at his hand on me, the darkness of his light tan and the smattering of dark hair a contrast against the white of my nightwear. I’d think about it. Hell, I’d dream about it, but I knew it wouldn’t do much good. As appealing as it sounded, my long term future was far more important. I couldn’t jeopardise it all for one job. Or for one person.

  ***

  I ignored Adam’s missed calls and sent him a simple text saying, Sorry, busy. Will see you on Monday. I did the same with Mum, telling her I would call her in the week. Nate’s proposition had taken me by surprise so much that after he’d left, I’d collapsed on my couch and done… nothing. I felt torn. One part of me was screaming that it would be a fantastic opportunity. The other, more sensible, part was calmly listing all the things wrong with taking him up on his crazy offer.

  Saturday afternoon was spent curled up watching on demand movies—which somehow all seemed to be fight related—and cheesy reality shows. I asked myself time and time again, were they truly real? Because surely nobody’s lives could be that filled with drama. I’d even caved in and ordered pizza. That then led to the guilt. What would Nate say? He would no doubt be disappointed in me. Then again, after Monday, what would he care? He would go off to wherever for however long he would be there, and by the time he came back, he would have forgotten who I was.

  I reminded myself that I wasn’t doing any of this for him. It was all for me. Still, he had shown faith in me, and I didn’t want to let him down. I ended up throwing the pizza, untouched, in the bin and actually cooked some pasta with a fresh tomato and herb sauce. I was so proud of myself.

  Sunday was spent in much the same way. This time, I defrosted some meat and made my version of what Nate had cooked for me. It wasn’t as tasty as his cooking, but it was edible, and I didn’t keel over and die afterwards. I missed being at Golden Oakes though. I just wasn’t sure if I was still welcome to use the facilities if Nate wasn’t going to be around and after I had pretty much turned down his offer.

  I’d kind of expected him to maybe push things more, try to persuade me to change my mind. But there had been nothing. No phone call, text message or email. I tried damping down my disappointment by saying it was okay. I’d said no, and he’d respected that decision. The other part of me, the side I didn’t want to admit had growing feelings for Nate, let me believe that by saying no, I’d also said no to any future contact with him. It was a depressing thought.

  ***

  Monday morning I was in my wardrobe rifling through my clothes, trying to decide what to wear for another day in the office. I still felt emotionally drained by Nate’s proposition and the fact I wouldn’t be seeing him anymore. A dark mist had descended on my mood and I wanted that displayed through my attire. Pulling down my trusty black trousers and a black, ruffle neck blouse, I held them up to my body and looked in the mirror, nodding my approval. All black, just like my mood.

  I grabbed a black lace underwear set out of the top drawer of my dresser and flung the lot on my bed. Having dried my hair, I pulled on my knickers and wiggled into my bra. Then I wiggled some more. It didn’t feel right. Stepping over to the mirror again, I checked my reflection and, for the first time, I noticed a difference. My bra was gaping a little on the cups. My knickers didn’t pull tight across my pelvis, and my stomach was definitely flatter. I smiled briefly thinking all my hard work at the gym was starting to pay off. It wasn’t a huge difference, but as I twisted this way and that checking my body from different angles, I could definitely see toned areas that had previously been a little ‘loose’.

  When I finally felt comfortable in my underwear, I tugged on my trousers and blouse. I again looked in the mirror and blinked at the sight in front of me. Trousers that not so long ago had been a snug fit, now gaped along the waist. The blouse that had previously been a perfect fit now hung in all the wrong places. I yanked them off and rushed back to my wardrobe needing something else. A dress caught my eye. A very professional, very elegant looking, cream-coloured shift dress with a thin red belt. I’d only ever worn it once, several years earlier, during my first year’s placement. I’d been younger and slimmer then.

  I pulled the dress off the hanger and held it up to me, looking in the mirror. This was who I wanted to be. The powerful, smart, beautiful woman everyone respected. I knew they were only clothes, but clothes talked. Clothes gave you confidence. They were like a costume… or a mask. If you had on the right outfit, you could be whoever you wanted to be.

  Suddenly, my black mood was behind me. I was eager to get my day started, to see if I could slip into the role of a high roller. I lowered the zipper and pulled the dress over my head. When it easily fell into place and I could zip it up, I sang a little happy chant, bouncing on my feet in glee.

  ‘Ha, take that Barbie-bitch,’ I thought as I slipped on some red, peep-toe heels. Liv was back and feeling phenomenal.

  ***

  Despite knowing that turning down Nate’s offer was the best thing for me to do, I couldn’t seem to get it out of my mind. All morning I’d been distracted, wondering where he was, what he was doing. I couldn’t help but question what we would have been doing at that moment if I had gone with him. The thoughts were getting me nowhere fast.

  “Liv, do you have a few minutes? Mr. Ashworth would like to see you in his office,” Trish said smoothly into my phone when I answered it just before eleven.

  “Sure, no problem. I’ll be there in a minute.” Rising onto shaking legs, I smoothed the skirt of my dress down and took a steadying breath. Mr. Ashworth never called for somebody at my level unless they’d seriously fucked up somehow.

  “Good morning, Olivia. Please come in. Take a seat. Can I get you anything?” Robert Ashworth asked brightly a couple of minutes later, gesturing with an outstretched arm to a seat opposite his.

  “Um, no. I’m fine, thank you.” I sat in the black leather chair and placed my hands in my lap, discreetly rubbing my sweaty palms along my thighs. What was going on? His friendly, welcoming approach was somewhat of a surprise and had caught me completely off guard. When you spoke to Robert Ashworth you needed to be sharp, quick and to the point. He had no patience for time wasters and drove home his points straight away.

  “I’m sure you are wondering why I’ve called you in here.” I nodded.

  “I have wonderful news for you. I would like you to go home and pack your bags because you’re going to France.” He pushed an envelope acros
s the desk towards me as I blinked rapidly. What did he just say?

  “A wonderful opportunity has arisen for you to study European architecture whilst working on a prestigious account that will benefit both the company and you individually, Olivia. Mr. Oakes was so impressed with the way you handled things for GO Sports & Leisure that he has personally asked that you accompany him to his property to design his new training facilities in the South of France.”

  I continued staring at Mr. Ashworth, absently blinking. I’d heard him, but I couldn’t comprehend what he was saying.

  “Olivia!”

  “Um, sorry. Could you repeat that please?”

  Mr. Ashworth looked irritated for a brief moment but then a touch of a smile tugged at his lips. “I’m sure this is all a bit of a shock.” The France bit, no, not really. The fact I was being sent out there, yeah, a huge fucking shock. “But I want you to know, you have our total backing. Don’t let us down, Olivia.”

  That was is it? No, would you like to go? No, how would you feel about going? Apparently it was a done deal. Apparently, I was on my way to France whether I liked it or not.

  I walked back to my office in a bit of a daze. I’d turned Nate down because I didn’t want it affecting my job. He was obviously not good at accepting no for an answer and had gone behind my back and straight to my boss. When I dropped into my chair, I was furious. How dare he? I’d said no, he should have accepted my decision and moved on. What gave him the right to force my hand like this? I could still turn it down. But the way Mr. Ashworth had spoken, it sounded like I was expected to do this. If I didn’t, would I still have a job?

  “Liv, what the fuck is going on?” Adam came barrelling into my office and straight to my desk, bracing himself with rigid arms on the edge. “Everyone’s saying you’re leaving.”

  “Oh, for the love of God,” I shrieked, throwing my hands into the air in exasperation. “I am not leaving!”

  Without even looking inside, I passed Adam the envelope that had been given to me and proceeded to tell him about the rather unsavoury way Nate had gone about hiring my services.

  “So, let me get this straight. You join him in France, all expenses paid, for however long it takes you to complete this project?” Adam’s face looked grim as he handed me back the envelope.

  “That about sums it up,” I replied, sagging back into my chair.

  “You can’t do it, Liv.”

  “Why not? Don’t you think I’m good enough?” Hearing that from my best friend hurt.

  “No, it’s not that.” He sighed and rounded the desk. Crouching down in front of me, he continued. “I’m worried that he’ll take advantage of you. It’s all kind of weird don’t you think? Let me go. I’ll tell dad that it’s better for the company if I do it. I’ll spin some PR bullshit or something to get him to change his mind. I don’t want you doing this, Liv.”

  I pushed back in my seat and walked over to my window. “You don’t want me doing it? This whole thing is bullshit, Ad. Why can’t people leave me to make up my own mind?”

  “I just want what’s best for you.”

  I shot round. “Do you? Do you really? Or are you just trying to get your hands on a big, prestigious project? What if I want to do this? What if I want to go but I’m just worried?”

  My head throbbed with the pressure of everything. I felt like I was being pulled towards fifty different paths, and I wasn’t sure which was the right one to take.

  “I don’t want you to go.” Adam moved to my side and touched my arm tenderly. Swallowing hard, he stared at my face with pained, deep blue eyes. “I don’t want you to go because… I love you, Liv. The thought of you being out there alone with him, it kills me.”

  My eyes widened. “What?”

  “I love you. I’ve loved you for a very long time.”

  “No, no, no.” I broke away from his touch and rushed to the other side of the room. I needed space, needed room to breathe. “Why are you saying this now, Adam? You’re just trying to confuse me so I don’t go.” Unshed tears stung the backs of my eyes.

  “No! I’ve wanted to tell you. I’ve needed to tell you. But, fuck, Liv, I needed to know there was even the smallest chance you might have felt the same way.” His voice trembled but he kept his eyes locked to mine, pleading for what… understanding? Acceptance? Reciprocation? He knew I didn’t feel that way about him.

  “Why? Why now, huh? I’ve just been handed what could possibly be the biggest career maker and you land this on me.” I buried my face in my hands. I would not cry. I never cried. I was stronger than that. Sucking in a deep breath, I lifted my head and looked Adam in the eyes. “Why are you trying to ruin our friendship?”

  He took tentative steps across the room until he was standing before me again. “It’s not like that, Liv. I would never risk our friendship. I just can’t let you go off to another country with another man and not let you know how I feel. It’ll drive me fucking crazy every day you’re gone, not knowing what you’re doing, if you’re okay. If you’re with him.” He closed his eyes, trying to hide the pain in them.

  I couldn’t deal with this, not now. Balling my hands into fists, I struck Adam’s chest over and over, hammering my hurt and frustrations into him “You can’t do this to me, Adam, not now. It’s bullshit. You’re my best friend, my rock. It can’t be any other way between us.”

  “Says who?” he yelled, grabbing my fists and holding them against his pounding heart.

  “Says me.”

  Our gazes remained locked, our breathing rapid. There was nothing more to be said. I couldn’t be who Adam wanted me to be. That was a line in our relationship I would never cross. But by declaring his feelings, had Adam crossed it anyway?

  Finally he dropped my hands and stepped back. “Fine, go play with your famous, rich boy but don’t come crying back to me when he breaks your fucking heart.” And then he was gone, storming out of the room and slamming the door behind him.

  “Arrgh!” I screamed, sliding down the wall until I sat with my knees drawn into my chest, my face buried in my hands.

  I was still sitting there, in shocked outrage, five minutes later when Trish gently knocked and poked her head around the door. She’d heard everything and told me to go home. I had a lot to think about and needed space and a clear head to do it.

  There was no way I could go home feeling the way I did. I’d go stir crazy. So instead, I decided to take a walk to the coffee shop. The fresh air and time away from everything would give me a chance to think, uninterrupted.

  ***

  I sipped on my flat black coffee, grimacing at the bitterness—oh how times had changed. Weeks of abstinence from my favourite energy pick me up had turned me against the stuff. Still, I continued sipping and listened to my mum drone on about another plant that was wilting. I’d called her hoping to get some words of wisdom. I should have known better.

  “What’s wrong sweetheart? You’re quiet.”

  I sighed. Did I really want to burden my mother with my problems? Did I even really have any problems, or was I just blowing everything out of proportion?

  “I’ve been asked to go and work in France and Adam says he loves me,” I blurted out.

  “What!” I heard a crash and a curse and then she was back. “Say that again.”

  I recapped what Nate had offered me, and how he’d gone behind my back by contacting Mr. Ashworth when I’d turned him down. I then told her miserably about my run in with Adam.

  “Wow! Sweetheart, no wonder you sound so down.”

  “What should I do, Mum? I’m so confused right now.”

  “What do you want to do?”

  “I don’t know. Part of me is really excited about the project. I mean I could learn so much whilst I’m out there. It’s a great opportunity. But I feel I need to stay here and prove myself with Ashworth-Moore.”

  The door opened and a group of teenage girls walked in giggling, distracting me momentarily. “And what about Adam?” Mum asked.

>   “God, he’s a completely different problem. I love Adam, you know that. He’s my rock. But I don’t love him that way. I don’t have romantic feelings for him. He’s more like my brother.”

  “Do you want my advice, sweetheart?”

  “God, yes,” I breathed. I needed someone’s because my own voice of reason had deserted me.

  “Do it, go to France. Unless you have concerns about this Nathan’s motives, this is a once in a lifetime opportunity for you. You will get so much more out of it than just the architecture. And who knows, maybe some time away from each other will be just what you and Adam need. They say absence makes the heart grow fonder. If you’re not seeing Adam every day, there’s a possibility that maybe your feelings towards him might change. Or for him, not being around you might help him see the love he has for you is still only of the friendship kind. Maybe he just needs to meet someone new.”

  I closed my eyes. “When did you get so wise, Mum?”

  “I have my moments,” she laughed.

  We chatted for a few more minutes before she had to go and replant ‘Harry’ who had apparently outgrown his pot.

  Everything had been thrown at me so quickly, I honestly didn’t know which way was up anymore. But the more I thought about it, as I quietly sipped on my coffee, the more appealing going to France became. I had one main concern, however, and that was about my feelings for Nate. I knew I was starting to feel more for him and that something had definitely shifted between us Friday night. I wasn’t sure I would be able to bury that so I could remain professional about the job. If I said yes, I would have to be Olivia, the architect. Anything else was unacceptable.

  I absentmindedly looked over the table-top coffee menu, lost in my thoughts, when I felt a presence beside me. “Everything is fine in moderation, Olivia.” I knew that voice.