Playing the Game

by JL Paul

  He groaned in frustration and reached for my hand. “Yeah, I did. And I hurt you once before and I’m hurting you now. Do you think I enjoy that? Do you really think that I’m some heartless bastard that doesn’t care how you feel? Damn it, Aubrey, I’m doing what’s best for you.”

  “Well stop trying to take care of me. People have been doing it all my life and I’m ready to be a grown up here,” I said, fire torching my veins.

  He pointed at me, eyes firm. “I will never stop trying to take care of you, Aubrey Rose. Never.”

  My head spun and it had nothing to do with the beer. “What are you saying, Jess, huh? Do you want me or not?”

  He studied me, thousands of emotions flickering in his eyes. He took a deep breath and stared at his folded hands on the table. “No, Aubrey. I don’t. It has to be no.”

  My heart shattered. I hurried to pick up the pieces before the pain became too unbearable and the tears began. Nodding, I turned my head, looking for the waitress so we could pay the check and escape this hell hole.

  “Aubrey, listen to me for a second. There are so many things stacked against us besides just our careers. Your family is number one.”

  I jerked my head up, jaw wide open. “What about my family?”

  “Does your mother know you’re with me? Would you tell her we were dating? Would you stand up to her when she objected?” His eyes bored into mine, challenging me to lie.

  I closed my eyes and contemplated his words. It would be hell dealing with my mother but I was beginning to get better at it. And Jess was worth it. Right?

  “I didn’t tell her, no. But I will. And I would stand up to her for you.” My words came out in a weak whisper and didn’t sound a bit convincing. But my heart was in so much pain that my lungs refused to work right.

  “Sure, Aubrey,” he mumbled as he waved for the waitress. He handed her a bill and told her to keep the change. “Let’s get you home.”

  I didn’t argue – just followed him to the truck. The ride home was done in uncomfortable silence. I kept as far to my side of the truck as possible to avoid any contact with him. I urged the truck to hurry me home so I could escape to my room and fall apart.

  When he finally pulled into my drive, he snatched my arm before I could flee the vehicle.

  “Aubrey,” he said hoarsely. “Think about what I said. You know I’m right.”

  I lifted my chin and stared into his eyes. “No, Jess. You’re totally wrong. This would have been good, and deep inside, you know it. Maybe you’re the one who’s afraid.”

  I shook his hand off my arm and ran into the house.

  Chapter Thirteen

  I ignored my phone for the next couple of days. Anyone who really needed to contact me had my home phone number anyway.

  I sat in the living room with my father on Tuesday night, watching the MVP game with not much interest - Jess wasn’t playing. I did perk up a little when Troy Neal’s name was announced. He stepped up to the plate as the commentators gave his batting average and on-base percentage. They couldn’t help but remark about the steroids scandal that had plagued him last year. That little tidbit of information totally caught my attention as I watched Troy take a few practice swings. I vaguely remembered the whole steroids deal – it was constantly on television – but I hadn’t really cared at that time. He didn’t look like he took steroids. And he didn’t seem like the type to take them, either. Granted, I didn’t know him well, but still.

  “Dad?” I asked in a soft tone.

  He tilted his face toward my voice slightly. “Yeah?”

  “Troy Neal took steroids?”

  He grunted as Troy fouled off the first pitch. “Nah, I don’t think so. Last I heard, the people investigating the whole matter made a big mistake. They exonerated him and apologized and all that.”

  I nodded, watching Troy dig in and then belt the next pitch to the wall. The outfielder scrambled to get a glove on it and heaved it toward the cut-off man. Troy trotted happily into third base as the crowd roared. “Good. He’s a nice guy.”

  He turned his head directly to me. “You met Troy Neal?”

  I smirked, amused at his star-struck eyes. “Yeah. He’s friends with Jess.”

  The mention of Jess’s name made the hurt and depression swirl inside my stomach. I blocked his words from my mind and tried to concentrate on my father.

  “Wow,” he said, a little flabbergasted. “And…um…how was your…date…with Jess?”

  Damn. Not exactly something I wanted to talk about at all, especially with my father! I bit my lip and looked at the TV. “Okay, I guess.”

  I knew his eyes were still on me – I could feel his heavy gaze. I tried to concentrate on the next batter but bitter, anguished tears were forming in my eyes.

  “Aubrey,” Dad said softly, too softly. “What’s going on?”

  I gave him a nonchalant shrug, eyes still on the TV. “I don’t know. He says he doesn’t think it’s fair to date because he’s on the road so much.”

  “Isn’t that why he broke up with you after high school? Because he was playing ball and wouldn’t be around?”

  I had to give the man credit; he was far more observant than I ever imagined. “I guess so.”

  “Come here, Aubrey,” he ordered. I sat on the arm of his recliner. He put an arm around my waist and gave me a squeeze. “No matter what your mother says about him, he is a good man. He obviously cares for you or else he wouldn’t have tried to protect you.”

  “Protect me?” I asked, stunned. Whose side was he on, anyway? I mean, I know he loved baseball but I was his daughter; his flesh and blood!

  “Yes. Can’t you see that?” He didn’t wait for my protest. “You probably wouldn’t, being female. And I don’t mean that as an insult. I mean, when a man loves a woman he wants to protect her; take care of her. Always do what’s best for her. I know a man in love and Jess Rivers has had that look about him since you dated him in high school. I’m sure it broke his heart more than it broke yours when he ended things. Now, that doesn’t mean I condone him breaking your heart, but I understand and I respect him for trying to spare you.”

  I gaped at him, looking like a sad imitation of a goldfish, I’m sure. The embarrassment of talking about this sort of thing with my dad sort of took a back seat to the feelings circulating inside my brain. Was he right? Did Jess love me that much that he just wanted to protect me? I couldn’t see it, could I?

  No, that couldn’t be true. I mean, when he had first uttered those three little words to me back in school, he’d promised me we’d be together forever. He’d told me we’d manage somehow. And look at us now.

  I spoke my next words in a low, even tone. “No, I don’t think so, Dad. That’s just not Jess. He cares about two things: baseball and Jess Rivers, that’s all.”

  I stood, before the tears came. I didn’t want my dad to see just how deep Jess’s rejection hurt. But he turned his attention back to the television as Troy Neal crossed the plate.

  “I think you’re wrong, Aubrey.”

  I ran up the stairs.

  ***

  I shuffled through the sheet music sprawled across my bed, contemplating my song for the finale. I had to sing my heart out if I wanted to get through Wednesday night’s show and make it to the final three. My mother’s suggestions were piled neatly on my desk, totally ignored. I didn’t want to be her Barbie doll – I wanted to be me.

  I glanced at each title briefly until one caught my eye. I snatched up the pages and read through the words, tears falling absently from my eyes. Yes. This was it. This was the one I would do Wednesday night. This one would be me. I cradled the music to my chest as I jumped from the bed and stood in front of my mirror, letting the words flow effortlessly from my mouth. I had to not only get the words right but the tone and inflection, also. I could do it. I gazed into the mirror, a little shocked at the steel glint in my eyes.

  “Forget Jess,” I ordered my reflection in a hard tone I was not accustomed to hearin
g. “You don’t need him. You don’t need your mother. You don’t need anyone.”

  My heart leapt, exhilarated. I was my own person. I was not a paper doll for my mother to dress up and live through in vicarious fashion. I was not Jess’s plaything. I was Aubrey Rose Quinn and it was about time to start acting like it.

  I sprinted to my closet and started throwing jeans, pants, shirts to the floor. I needed the perfect outfit. I didn’t need sweet skirts and proper blouses. I needed something me.

  And then I found them, in the back of my closet. I grinned, heart dancing gleefully. I remembered hiding them back there so my mother wouldn’t throw them out. My all-time favorite jeans. They fit me perfectly in the butt; not too tight nor too loose, and contoured to every line in my legs. They were ripped in the knees, frayed on the bottom, and faded to a lovely light blue. I hugged them like an idiot as I carried them to my dresser. I dug in a drawer until I found a plain, purple t-shirt that would match my highlights and I shoved the clothes into my bag. I located a belt and tossed it on my bed before returning to my closet to hunt for my favorite boots. I didn’t much care that it was summer and boots probably weren’t appropriate foot gear but I’d be on stage so I didn’t think it would matter.

  Once my clothes and my music choice were decided, I cleaned up my mess and hopped into bed. I closed my eyes, Jess still lingering in my mind, and drifted off to sleep.

  ***

  Wednesday morning, I headed to the studio for rehearsal. I ignored Gary and Samantha, as usual, and kept my chin up, listening carefully to Miguel’s instructions. We were to do another group number and then the remaining contestants would do their solo performances. The final three would be decided jointly by audience vote and judges’ approval. They would announce who would return Thursday night in the last few minutes of the show.

  Astonishingly, I wasn’t a bit nervous. Did I want to win? I plunged into the deeps depths of my heart for the answer and found that I really wasn’t sure. But I did have a back-up plan forming in my mind. It sort of surprised me when it popped inside my head but it shouldn’t have. It had always been there, lurking in the dark recesses of my mind for ages, waiting for the perfect time to spring itself on me. Maybe it decided to make itself known after my self-finding rant last night and figured now was the time to poke me and grab my attention.

  Yes, I could live my own life. I could do as Gwen and find my own way. I would have to tread lightly, though. I really didn’t want to hurt my mother.

  I sighed as I sat before my locker. Of course Jess had to pick that time to float back into my head. I didn’t have enough time to prepare for the hurt and despair. I would love him forever, I knew that. I couldn’t do anything to convince my heart otherwise.

  Picking up my cell phone, I frowned that I only had two voice mails. My frown deepened as I listened to not Jess’s voice, but Kendra’s. She’d flown back from the MVP game that morning with Troy and they wanted to come to the show. But I didn’t really want her there. Selfish, yes, but she was a painful reminder of Jess. I’d call her later. Maybe tomorrow.

  I finished dressing and left the studio amidst the snickers and hushed whispers of Samantha and Shelby, one of the remaining contestants. I should have been worried that maybe she was trying to sabotage my chances but I couldn’t bring myself to care. I would go out there later tonight and sing my heart out, doing the best I could no matter if I wanted to win or not. I wouldn’t let my conflicting emotions ruin that. It was only fair, after all. The twenty contestants who’d been booted off the show over the past few weeks would do anything to be in my shoes and I had to do this for them, too.

  ***

  My mother was livid when I stepped out of the dressing area after the group number dressed in my torn jeans and t-shirt. Her face fell in shock but recovered and turned an interesting shade of purple that nearly matched my hair. I patted her cheek and kissed it but it didn’t help.

  “Aubrey Rose,” she said in a hushed tone. Her eyes narrowed angrily as she inhaled a sharp breath. “I made you the most adorable outfit and you choose to wear these…rags? What is wrong with you?”

  “Mom,” I said as gently as I could. I was aware of Samantha’s curious gaze. “I need to do this tonight, okay? Just relax and let me have my way for once.”

  “For once?” She was beyond livid at this point. “You’ve fought me nearly every step of the way this entire show. You know how important it is to me!”

  “Yes, to you,” I said, a little sharper than I’d intended. “But have you ever asked me what I wanted? Did you ever stop to consider that maybe, just maybe, I wanted something else?”

  Her face paled as the blood drained from her cheeks. I blinked, suddenly frightened that my words may have affected her health. I took a step toward her but she brushed away my hand.

  “Just do what you want, Aubrey. You will anyway.” She swiveled on her heel and marched to the waiting area.

  I took a deep breath, not quite sure if I should try to talk to her or not, when Miguel grabbed my elbow.

  “You’re on next, Aubrey,” he said with a nervous smile. I nodded, tight lipped. I’d find my mother later.

  My name was announced and I sauntered out on the stage to a loud, rowdy greeting. I grinned, feeling a little more confident in my clothes. The intro to the song began and I closed my eyes, allowing images of Jess in high school and Jess at dinner Monday night flood my brain as I sang. The lyrics ran true, as though my heart had written them, and every ounce of hurt and love and disappointment shimmered in my voice.

  I didn’t see the judges. I didn’t see the audience. I didn’t see the cameras. I pictured Jess standing in front of me and I sang to him, putting all my effort into every word so he could hear my pain and know how far it went. I wanted him to know that I’d believed everything he’d told me in school. I wanted him to know that not a day had gone by that I hadn’t thought of him. I wanted him to know that I loved him like I would never love anyone else. And I wanted him to hurt as much as me.

  I bit out each and every note with all the raw emotion that tormented my heart and when I finished, the audible pause was deafening. I stood, blinking, coming back to myself and remembering that I wasn’t standing before Jess but standing before five judges who were about to decide my fate.

  The audience suddenly realized I was finished. The roar of applause startled me as the noise assaulted my ears and brought a tiny smile to my face. It took awhile for them to settle down as the others joined me on stage, waiting as the panel told us each what they thought. I was last, which was a definite plus as I needed to get my emotions under control. When I stepped forward, it was on steady legs with my head held high.

  Chelsea, Stephen, and Big D raved over my performance and I smiled politely. Their opinions no longer mattered to me. I turned to Marissa who nodded slowly. A wry smile graced her lips before she spoke.

  “Nice to finally meet you, Aubrey.”

  With a genuine grin, I looked to Richard. He laced his long fingers under his chin as he considered me.

  “That,” he began slowly, “was the best performance on this show.”

  It took every one of my facial muscles to keep my jaw from falling. I tried to keep a neutral face as he continued.

  “I see you, Aubrey, not some fabricated sweetheart the world fell in love with. The emotion, the clothes, the song…it’s you. And it’s perfect. That is what I am looking for.”

  “Thank you,” I whispered. He nodded, approval glinting in his eyes. I stepped back while the show cut to commercial so the audience votes could be tallied.

  Ignoring the nervous chatter of the other contestants, I took the water bottle a stage hand gave me and nearly drained it. When the commercials finished, we had to stand there under the hot lights, each of us wondering our fate, as the host gibbered away about some nonsense. I was certain he was stalling while the votes were still tallied and to give the audience a little drama – allowing their anticipation to grow.

  F
inally, the host stepped forward, announcing that the three finalists had been decided. He smiled at us while he delivered his ‘you all did wonderful’ speech with the huge ‘but’ at the end. He called Shelby’s name first. She smiled uncertainly, not sure if she was staying or leaving. He draped an arm over her shoulder and gently crushed her spirits. She kept a brave face as she exited the stage.

  Next was Gary. I turned my head, not in the least interested in his fate. But he made it and he stepped back in line, grin wider than the Grand Canyon on his face. It fell when he caught my eye.

  Samantha stepped up next, confidence oozing from every pore. She was quickly passed on to Thursday and that left me and Christopher, the last male contestant. I knew my popularity with the viewing audience had taken a drop after a couple of weeks of disparaging remarks from Marissa and Richard, so I did have a bit of nervous flutters in my stomach. They turned into excited fireworks when the host regretfully dismissed Christopher and turned to me with a brilliant smile. I’d made it. I was in the final three.

  Samantha and Gary were hugging me with false congratulations. It was only for the benefit of the camera. As soon as the lights flickered on, they dropped their arms and rushed off to the many friends and admirers in the audience.

  My mother sprinted to my side, happy tears coursing down her cheeks, our earlier argument forgotten. I accepted her congratulatory hugs as my dad, my sister, and Dane joined us.

  “I am so excited for you, Aubrey!” a familiar voice called over my shoulder.

  Wincing, I turned to find Kendra dancing happily from foot to foot. Beside her stood an equally smiling Troy Neal. And beside him…Jess.

  Chapter Fourteen

  The tremble of anticipation shaking my body changed quickly to one of anger. I glared at Jess, doing all I could to hurt him with my eyes. A tiny smirk curled his lips.

  “What are you doing here?” My mother asked the question playing in my head before I could even form the words.