Fifty Shades of Shameless Parody

by I. P. Freely

  Another whiring sound started inside the car, and slowly rising out of the hole was a - what was that? It kind of looks like a, oh my god - it was a dildo!

  When the whiring stopped, the dildo was protruding obscenely out of the car for at least a foot.

  "I call it the Carnocchio."

  Christopher started undressing me, right there in the street, until I was wearing nothing but my crocs. He lifted me up at the waist and lowered me onto the Carnocchio slowly, inching me down, and up again, and down, and up again, and down, until all 12 inches were inside me.

  "Hold on tight" Christopher said, as he marched back to his driver door, stepped inside, and started the engine.

  He lowered his window, poked his head out, and shouted, "We only have about an hour left to go! I'm going to turn the Carnocchio ON now..."

  Christopher must have pushed a button inside the car somewhere, because the Carnocchio started moving up and down like a raging beast. It must have been going almost back into the car, and back out again, what, 3 times a second? 4 times a second? My god. It was thoroughly pounding me, giving me the fucking of a lifetime, relentlessly. I can"t last 1 fucking minute of this thing, let alone 1 whole hour?! I was having an orgasm like every 5 seconds! That's, what..? 720 orgasms?! Carnocchio was a fucking animal!

  He drove off, Fucked Up Control Freak Christopher Driving Sturdy Red Car Down The Road With Naked Me Impaled And Bouncing On A Foot Long Dildo Clutching The Front Grill For Support With Every Earth Shattering Orgasm.

  AUTHOR'S NOTE: One wrong decision in life, and this could be you. Say no to drugs.

  ------------------------------------------

  We came to a stop 720 orgasms later, at some kind of airport. Christopher had driven right up to the entrance, so plenty of people were staring at me, a dribbling, lolling mess. I had lost my mind. I had completely lost my fucking mind. Yesterday, a virgin. Now, I had been fucked by the greatest fucking machine mankind had ever invented, for over an hour.

  "Did you enjoy yourself, Euthanasia?" he said, admiring me like a trophy attached to the front of his car, as if deciding whether to make the position permanent.

  "djkhguifdhgiunfgfvgbgbrdgb" I murmured back.

  "Sorry, what was that?" he said, clearly enjoying himself (by which I mean, he was masterbating).

  Clearly talking wasn't an option for me. I flailed my arms a little, which were dangling from my slumped shoulders. Christopher showed his first ounce of mercy, and pressed the button on the car key to lower the Carnocchio. I felt empty inside. As if I had lost something that was now a part of me. I would have to make Christopher drive me round like this all the time.

  Christopher scooped me off the bonnet and into his arms, and carried me inside the building, cradling me like a pet monkey.

  "ghyfstbbdwtohvddtubcnmc zdaegku" I moaned.

  It was at this point I lost consciousness.

  ------------------------------------------

  I awoke to Christopher slapping me hard on both my cheeks, telling me to wake up. He sounded a little annoyed. When he saw I was awake, he grinned.

  "Euthanasia, I want you to meet Bitchard Ransom, of Virgin-Ass Galactic. he's the only billionaire madman who may actually own his own Carnocchio, like, in real life. Am I right?" He slapped Bitchard on the back and gave a hearty laugh.

  "If you haven't done it already, search Google for the time he went water skiing with a supermodel on his back. Seriously."

  "Who are you talking to?"

  "The reader. They seriously have to go and google this right now. it's amazing."

  "OK", said you the reader (yes, you).

  "Bitchard Ransom has been kind enough to lend us his space rocket." He was grinning.

  "I don't understand, Christopher!"

  "We are going to space, Euthanasia!"

  CHAPTER 9

  Euthanasia In Space

  We clambered through the space rocket door, and Christopher closed it behind us. He climbed into the driver's seat and started touching buttons and flicking controls.

  "While I'm taking you up, your job is to go down. On me."

  "Very clever, Christopher."

  "I'm serious" he said, unzipping his pants and letting his cock hang out of his space suit.

  The way that space suit hung off his hips. Yummy! For some reason, I can"t ever stop thinking about pants hanging off hips. it's all I ever seem to go on about. Pants hanging off hips. Pants hanging off hips. Pants hips pants hips pants hips. Maybe one day I'll be attracted to a normal person in a normal way, but not today. Today I was going to suck that limp-looking cock for all I was worth. I was going to earn my keep. I would in fact exceed my keep. What is a keep, anyway? Never mind. Time to get stuck in!

  Suck suck suck. Lots of sucking. Christopher was in control of the rocket ship, I was in control of his rocket ship.

  "Mmmm... Life is good..." I moaned through a mouthful of his cock.

  Christopher's moans got louder, and his hips started to convulse.

  "PREPARE FOR TAKEOFF!" he bellowed down at me.

  Nothing could prepare me for what was about to happen next. I know what you're thinking happened next, but it was not that. It was absolutely, totally not what you'd expect. So unexpected was it, I can barely put it into words.

  Christopher... ejaculated... right in my mouth! Yuck!

  I sat bolt upright and spat his semen back at him agrily, in a kind of reverse mouth orgasm. Actually, that's pretty hot.

  "That was pretty hot, Euthanasia. We haven't even taken off yet, and I've already delivered my payload."

  "Yeah, right into my fucking mouth! That's horrible!"

  "Prepare for re-entry, Euthanasia. I'm not done with you yet." he said, winking at me.

  "Oh really?" I said, returning his wink.

  "I still want to see Uranus." he replied, winking at me.

  "And my Saturn's ring?" I replied, returning his wink.

  "I can"t wait to come into your milky way..." he said, winking at me.

  "Come here and fire your thrusters, baby." I replied, returning his wink.

  "I'm gonna re-enter your lower atmosphere." he said, winking.

  "Orbit me with your interplanetary probe." I replied, returning his wink.

  "I'm gonna fuck you with my modular add-ons" he said, winking.

  "Fuck me in my Virgin Galactic..." I replied, returning his wink.

  "I'm gonna whip you with my Van Allen belt." he said, winking.

  "I don't understand that one."

  "That's ok. Not all the readers will either, but for the ones who do, it will be the best joke in this whole damn book."

  Christopher pushed the Space Rocket Go button, and we took off. Yay!

  - 5 MINUTES LATER -

  "Wow! Space is amazing!"

  I was floating around and bumping in to things.

  Christopher was looking out of the little round window, and he said, "I can think of only one thing more beautiful."

  "What's that?"

  He turned to me. "Euthanasia. You, of course. Take your space suit off. I want to see your beautiful body."

  I slipped out of my space suit, and floated free, wearing nothing but my crocs.

  Apparently, zero gravity plays hell with women's breasts. Released as they were, my breasts were inexplicably listless. Damn it! This was embarrassing. There was nothing to stop one or both floating up and hitting me in the face, and both were floating round like a lava lamp. Sometimes in sync, mostly not, my breasts slowly swung and bounced around and rippled like two giant waterballoons being bounced on by two large invisible men in slow motion.

  "I think it's time I got you tied up, don't you?"

  He propelled himself from where he was floating, and aimed himself towards a cupboard just next to me. He was as elegant and graceful in space as he was on earth, while I just kept bumping into things. He opened the cupboard, and pulled out some kind of space gizmo.

  "What's that? Some kind of space gizmo?"

&
nbsp; "This is a string of anal beads."

  "Oh. They look huge."

  He spun me round so my ass was facing him, and he ordered me to bend at the waist. He squirted some kind of space lube on his fingers, and he started massaging my anus, to make it relax and get bigger I guess. Well this was embarassing. After about one earth orbit, he inserted the first bead of the string. It popped in easily. Christopher gave it a gentle tug, and it refused to pop back out. One by one he forced each bead into my anus. Each bead was bigger than the last, with the last one about the size of a tennis ball. One big push, and it popped in, my anus sealing around it like some hungry alien membrane. The end had a little T-bar to get them back out again, but for now these anal beads were going nowhere.

  Christopher grabbed me at the waist and started to lift me, and turn me, and spin me upside down slowly. My god, these new things inside me felt incredible!

  "As you will no doubt notice, as you move around up here, the gravity of earth pulls and tugs these new additions to your anal canal in different directions. How does it feel?"

  "Amazing! It feels like I'm having weird anal sex with everyone on earth!" (yes reader, including you)

  Christopher reached into the cupboard again, and pulled out some kind of space gizmo.

  "What's that? Some kind of space gizmo?"

  "This is the ISSnocchio. I'll get it set up."

  CHAPTER 10

  Christopher's Forever

  Christopher was looking nervous. Christopher never looks nervous.

  "What is it?" I asked, taking his hand in mine, looking all concerned.

  "I've got something I want you to have, Euthanasia." He reached into his jacket pocket with his other hand, and pulled out a box. A little box. A little box, about the size of a ring box. Holy crap!

  He bent down onto one knee, and looked up at me nervously. Oh my god, this was really happening!

  "Euth, I've really enjoyed our time together. And I want it to carry on, I really do. I want it to carry on for the rest of my life."

  Oh my god. The rest of my life with Christopher? Oh my god. I did a quick calculation in my head. 60 years x 365 days x 24 hours x 60 minutes x 12 times per minute = Three hundred and seventy eight million, four hundred and thirty two thousand orgasms on the Carnocchio!

  Christopher continued, "I was trying to think of something that would be some kind of symbol, some kind of symbol for how I feel, how I feel about owning you. And the more I thought about it, there seemed to be only one answer."

  Christopher opened the lid of the box.

  "What the hell is this?!"

  "It's a Jibbit. In the shape of a penis."

  "What the hell is a Jibbit?"

  "It goes into one of the holes on your crocs, as decoration. I thought you'd like it." Christopher's face was a picture of sadness. He looked like a little boy who"d just been told off.

  "Oh. I do, I do like it. I mean, I couldn't tell what it was at first. I like it now though." I lied.

  "It's stupid. I shouldn"t have got it."

  "No, it's sweet. How does it work?"

  "It pops into one of the holes, kind of like an anal bead, so it will never fall out." Only Christopher could make anal beads sound romantic.

  He leans forward, and takes my left foot and croc into his hand, and lifts them both slowly. Nimbly working the penis Jibbit in his fingers like a supple nipple, he lined it up with one of the holes at the front and pushed it inside. How is it this man can make even a Penis Jibbit Croc Insertion look sexy?

  I flushed.

  CHAPTER 11

  Making It Official

  "He gave you what?"

  "A penis-jibbit!" I said again, proudly. "Look!" I waggled my foot towards her, showing off the little pink Jibbit.

  "What the hell does that mean?"

  "It means he loves me! It means he wants me to be his forever!"

  "Really? That's what that means?"

  "Yeah! It totally means that!"

  "Cool! I'm so happy for you!"

  "Thanks! Let's hug!"

  "OK!"

  Housemate stepped forward and hugged me.

  'so, have you guys made it official yet?"

  "What do you mean?"

  "On facebook. Are you guys listed as "In A Relationship" now?"

  "No, do you think we should be?"

  "Of course! Nothing is official until it's listed on facebook!"

  "Cool! I'll do it now then!"

  "Yay! I'll go and get the fancy champagne Christopher sent over for us. It's really fancy I think, because he's rich, but it will probably taste like piss, like all champagne ever."

  I went to my room to get my laptop, then sat down on the couch next to Housemate. She handed me a glass of champagne, and I gulped it down. It did indeed taste like piss. Like all champagne ever. She refilled my glass as I turned my laptop on. Most of the bottle of champagne had gone by the time my laptop got past the Windows Login screen, making me type facebook.com with fumbling, drunken hands. We were giggling like two little schoolgirls pulling a prank on a boy.

  The page loaded, and I clicked on, um, hmmm... what the hell am I supposed to click on to do this? I clicked on Christopher's face in my newsfeed, and loaded his timeline. Hmmm. Nothing here. But what was I expecting? A big flashing button asking random people to claim that they"re in a relationship with him?

  "Arrgh! How the fuck am I supposed to do this?!"

  "Here. Give it to me." Housemate grabbed my laptop and started whizzing through settings pages and profile pages and lists, and all manner of backward fucking alleys on the facebook site, finally landing on the Relationship Status page. "Here you go." she said, handing it back to me.

  I clicked the dropdown menu, and scrolled until I saw Christopher's beautiful face in thumbnail, and I clicked to select it.

  Housemate did an impression of the Queen as she read out the facebook popup message from the screen in a fake posh voice, "Euthanasia, Would You Like To Confirm That You Are In A Relationship With Christopher Chase?"

  "Why yes Facebook," I replied, in an equally fake posh accent, "Why yes I would!" I clicked on Confirm with a magic-wandlike flourish, and was redirected to my facebook news feed. We both burst out laughing.

  When the laughing had ended, I asked Housemate, "What happens now?"

  "Now, we wait for Christopher to confirm it on his facebook. But right now, immediately right now, we open the second bottle! Congratulations!"

  The celebrating went on for another hour or so. We drank our way through another 3 or 4 bottles. As you can imagine, we were totally fucking wasted. Go on, imagine it. We were dancing round like lunatics, we were singing power ballads as loud as we could, and we were carressing each other's breasts with excitement. (Author's note: Only two of those were true).

  We slumped down onto the couch laughing, each a sweaty tired mess. Then we turned to each other and started making out. Why? Because this book wouldn"t be worth reading if there wasn't at least one scene of girl on girl action! After we"d had sex, or whatever it is lesbians do, my thoughts strayed back to Christopher.

  "Now that he got me this," I said, lifting my croc up to admire the thing in the light, "do I have to get him something?"

  "I don't know. Maybe. Like what?"

  "I know. I'll get him a Vagina Jibbit."

  CHAPTER 12

  The Shit Hits The Fan

  "I didn't want you to fall in love with me! I just wanted to fuck your brains out and whip you a bit. I don't know how this happened."

  "This all started when I clicked Like and became your facebook fan, you fucking cunt! Well I wish I could go back in time and never click it, because I would never have met you again and I wouldn"t have a broken heart right now! I see exactly what's happened. The shit has hit the fan! And I'm the fan! And you're the shit! you're the big shit that hit me, the fan!"

  "I'm sorry Euthanasia. I'm actually incapable of human emotions. I told you this a million times. The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Me
ntal Disorders says I'm a Sociopath. You fucking idiot, Euthanasia, I told you this like a million times!"

  "Well I'm sorry if I couldn't see the real you. I was too busy looking at the FUCKING STARS IN MY EYES, YOU FUCKING CUNT!"

  "Euthanasia. We can still be friends."

  "I don't want to be your friend. I don't even like you. I love you, but I don't like you. I love your penis, but I don't like you. Fuck off and die."